Squeezed on:


Hmm. A woman convicted of forgery appeared in court to receive her sentence. She asked the judge for a postponement due to health reasons, and presented a doctor’s note. Hmm. As reported by the San Luis Obispo Tribune:

Michelle Elaine Astumian was free on $45,000 bail and pleaded no contest in January to felony counts of forgery and using a fraudulent check.

The 41-year-old woman arrived Monday for sentencing in a San Luis Obispo County courtroom and presented a note with a doctor’s signature asking for a postponement.

The Juice knows what you’re thinking: “hmm.”

Prosecutor Dave Pomeroy called the doctor, who said the note is a forgery.

No! Who would do such a thing?

The judge immediately ordered Astumian into custody and she collapsed to the floor. An ambulance took her to a hospital.

Immediately into custody? So …

Pomeroy [said] … that Astumian will be sentenced later, but he doesn’t know when.

Victory! Sort of? Here’s the source.

Squeezed on:


How can you stay in a luxury accommodation for free? You can follow this gent’s lead, as reported by The Panama City News Herald:

According to the Bay County Sheriff’s Office, the three businesses were approached by a man who claimed to have $20 million to invest in the purchase of motels or condominiums.

Hey, The Juice never said it was legal …

However, prior to purchase, the suspect insisted on staying in the penthouse or motel room to check out the property.

In each case, the man stayed on the property for a weekend or a week, sometimes bringing family with him, and then disappears without making any offer to purchase a property or pay for his stay.

Doh! No offense to the victims, but, really?

Sheriff Frank McKeithen encourages any property owner to request a financial statement from any individual expressing an interest to invest in beach property to confirm that, in fact, that person is a qualified buyer for the property.

Here’s the source.

Squeezed on:


What’s in a name? Plenty, if you’re talking about beer names and the Michigan Liquor Control Commission. You’re in trouble when the standard you’re using, as here, is whether the product is “deemed … to be detrimental to the health, safety or welfare of the general public.” A little vague, perhaps?

As reported by www.mlive.com:

Flying Dog Brewery is suing the state Liquor Control Commission, alleging the agency is censoring its free speech by rejecting labels for the bottler’s “Raging Bitch” 20th Anniversary India Pale Ale.

So Michigan has a problem with “Raging Bitch” beer. What Flying Dog beers has it okayed, you might be wondering?

[Flying Dog] markets approved labels, including “Doggie Style” Classic Pale Ale [and] “In Heat Wheat” Hefeweizen Ale … at many chain and specialty stores in West Michigan.

And don’t forget about this one …

… the state has allowed sales of alcoholic beverages with a vulgar term on the label. Among those are a Grand Rapids brew “Dirty Bastard,” crafted by Founders.

If you’re wondering why “Doggie Style,” “In Heat Wheat,” and “Dirty Bastard” are okay but “Raging Bitch” isn’t, The Juice also wonders. To read a lot more, including Flying Dog’s connection to Hunter S. Thompson, click here.

Squeezed on:


Burglary is one thing, but punching an elderly woman in the process? Not cool, and in this case, not effective either. Turns out granny can take care of herself, and then some. As reported by thisisnottingham.co.uk:

Joan Parmenter, 79, discovered Luke Clay with his brother, Lee Clay, in her front room at 11pm on Friday, February 18.

Luke hit her right temple and she responded with an “almighty punch” to his jaw. He landed face down on her couch amongst her collection of toy animals from her travels around the world, she said.

The Clays then fled from her home, but ran into the path of a car, which had to make an emergency stop.

Miss Parmenter ran out of her house after the burglars and shouted “stop him!” Sophie Buckthorpe, who had been in the car, called police. Both men were later arrested and admitted they were the burglars.

You can read more (a fair amount) and see a photo of our heroine here.

Squeezed on:

turd%20poop%20funny%20shit%20cartoon.gif Judges put up with a lot of crap, figuratively, and, well, sometimes literally. Tyrone Clarke, of Trinidad & Tobago, came to court with two bags of “human feces” in his pockets! As reported in the Trinidad & Tobago Express:

On January 8, Maharajh-Brown, who was presiding in the Eleventh Court, screamed and fled the courtroom after Clarke dipped into his side pocket and pulled out a plastic bag which he threw.

The first bag missed Maharaj-Brown, but hit the wall behind her, causing the bag to burst and spill onto the wall and Maharaj-Brown.

As Clarke dipped his hand again into his pockets, [police prosecutor] Carty quickly rose from his seat and positioned himself in the middle of Maharaj-Brown and Clarke, in a bid to protect the magistrate.

You know the crime. The time? One year, six months and 28 days hard labor. Oh, and there are still those charges of arson and malicious damage that brought Mr. Clarke to court.

Posted in: Best Of
Squeezed on:
Squeezed on:


Think of the last place a man would want to be kicked? Well, the same goes for being tased. Just ask the Arizona police officer who got zapped there. Per The Arizona Daily Star:

A Nogales police officer who claims his former sergeant used a Taser on his genitals last February has filed a federal lawsuit against the Police Department and former sergeant.


According to the lawsuit, Sgt. Sergio Bon “aggressively” pushed a clipboard holding citations at Officer Pedro Molera when Molera placed the clipboard on Bon’s desk on Feb. 8, 2010. Bon then unholstered his Taser, removed the front cartridge and pointed it at Molera, the lawsuit states.

When Molera responded “Are you going to use it? Go ahead,” Bon placed it on Molera’s penis over his clothes and squeezed the trigger for a “couple of seconds,” the lawsuit states.

[Police Chief] Kirkham previously confirmed Bon, an 18-year veteran, resigned as a result of the incident, and acknowledged Bon would likely have been terminated had he not submitted his resignation.

You can read more here.



Squeezed on:


No need for a sobriety checkpoint. This Florida woman gets a huge assist in her own arrest, as reported by wtsp.com:

A Tampa Bay-area woman faces several charges after authorities say she passed out while she and three children waited at a Burger King drive-thru.

The Pasco County Sheriff’s Office reports that employees called authorities Tuesday night after watching 27-year-old April A. Musson fall asleep in her car. Children — ages 1, 3 and 5 — were also in the vehicle.

Why so sleepy? The sheriff’s office says deputies found an oxycodone pill and marijuana on Musson, and she told them she had smoked marijuana earlier that day.

Here’s the source, including a photo of Ms. Musson.