Legal Juice

Throughout the years since our nation’s inception, the American courtroom has been the stage for some rather formidable legal battles. Marbury v. Madison, Brown v. Board of Education, and Bush v. Gore come to mind. Sometimes, however, it is highly unlikely that some of the biggest match-ups ever make it to the Law School curriculum. Such is the case of a recent Seventh Circuit decision (remember, these Judges are just below the Supreme Court) between two competing individuals: Pull My Finger® Fred and Fartman.

As described by Circuit Judge Wood, Fred “is a white, middle-aged, overweight man with black hair and a receding hairline, sitting in an armchair wearing a white tank top and blue pants.”

In contrast, Fartman “is a white, middle-aged, overweight man with black hair and a receding hairline, sitting in an armchair wearing a white tank top and blue pants.” Did I say “In contrast”? My mistake...

OK, OK, so neither Fred nor Fartman are actually individuals who appeared in the courtroom. Each are, however, plush dolls who “fart” when one squeezes their respective extended fingers. They also make crude jokes following their flatulence, such as “Did somebody step on a duck?” and “Silent but deadly.”

A copyright infringement case against the producers of Fartman, JCW Investments, Inc., d/b/a Tekky Toys v. Novelty, Inc. provides some rather humorous reading. As the Judges come to the surprising revelation that “there is a niche market for farting dolls, and it is quite lucrative,” they must embark upon rather philosophical debate about the difference between the “idea of” and the “expression of” the “comic archetype [of] ‘a typical man wearing jeans and a T-shirt in a chair doing the ‘pull my finger’ joke’”.

Alas, Fartman’s legacy comes to a disappointing end as the Court decides that he is, in fact, too close to being Fred’s twin to have not violated the copyright. Quite humorously, though, and in a possible foreshadow of the Judges’ own venture into that “niche market for farting dolls,” Judge Wood posits his own expression of that comic archetype:

Novelty could have created another plush doll of a middle-aged farting man that would seem nothing like Fred. He could, for example, have a blond mullet and wear flannel, have a nose that is drawn on rather than protruding substantially from the rest of the head, be standing rather than ensconced in an arm-chair, and be wearing shorts rather than blue pants.

For a picture of Pull-My-Finger Fred, click here. To read the entire decision, click here.

Okay, so that's a slight exaggeration, since the sound barrier on land is about 761 mph (it varies with the atmospheric conditions). But perhaps The Juice is in a state of shock after reading that a nun in Italy was busted for going 110 mph! Really, and with 2 other nuns in the car. Why? Well, as reported at news.com.au, they were ...

... on their way to visit the Pope after a bathroom fall.

Demon driver Sister Tavoletta, 56, was at the wheel of the Ford Fiesta, while two other nuns aged 65 and 78, who have not been named, were with her when shocked police pulled them over.

When stunned officers asked them why they were speeding, Sister Tavoletta said: "We had heard how the Pope had fallen over and we were on our way to make sure he was OK."

The nuns were stopped on a dual carriageway at Quincinetto, near Turin - just an hour's drive from Pope Benedict XVI's summer holiday chalet at Les Combes.

They had heard that Pope Benedict XVI had slipped and fractured his wrist at the Salesian convent where they live and immediately got into a car to try to visit him.

A Turin police spokesman said: "The officers involved were amazed to see three nuns in the Ford Fiesta when it stopped - it had been clocked at 110 mph.

"Hopefully, Sister Tavoletta will be making sure she confesses her bad driving the next she goes to confession but in the meantime she will have to pay the 375 Euro (A$659) fine she was given."

She said: "I will be taking this matter before a judge to get the penalty removed and the nun's licence reinstated."

When you think of petty crime, what do you think of? The Juice thinks of stealing something of little value. Here's a petty crime you probably wouldn't have thought of, out of New York, as reported by northcountrynow.com:

Jon L. Larue, 21, 5701 County Rt. 10, was charged with petit larceny by St. Lawrence County Sheriff’s deputies after they received a complaint from Perry’s Bottle Redemption Center in Oswegatchie.

They told deputies that they had given Larue cash for the seven rolls he brought in, but what he said were dimes were actually pennies.

After charging him with the misdemeanor count, deputies released Larue on an appearance ticket calling for him to be in Oswegatchie Town Court on June 13.

In a 6-week span, this New Jersey man was charged with driving while intoxicated FOUR times! Each time, he was charged and released. As reported by The News of Cumberland County (at nj.com):

[Anderson] Sotomayor [age 45] began his alleged traffic crime spree on April 2, when Ulrich said he collided with a school bus. Though not charged with DWI for that accident, he was charged with improper passing, leaving the scene of an accident and failure to report an accident.

A week later on April 9, Officer Phillip Martinez charged him with DWI on the 300 block of Axtell Avenue after he collided with a police vehicle.

Two days later on April 11, Officer Luis Rodriguez charged him with DWI after responding to an accident during which Sotomayor had struck a utility pole by the intersection of Main Street and Landis Avenue.

Two weeks later on April 25, Officer Adam Shaw charged him with DWI and several other offenses after stopping him by the intersection of Delsea Drive and Park Avenue. He said Sotomayor was swerving and had a cold, opened 40-ounce bottle of Budweiser on the floor behind the passenger seat. Sotomayor asked Shaw to either give him a ride home or follow him home as he drove, an offer which Shaw declined.

Just over two weeks later on Saturday, May 12, officer Adam Shaw again pulled over Sotomayor on the 200 block of Grape Street. Sotomayor refused to take a breathalyzer test and was again charged with DWI. He was released on a summons pending his case in municipal court.

... Sotomayor ... received his fourth DWI charge on Saturday and was again released without bail, said Captain Thomas Ulrich of the Vineland police department.

“Bail is a matter for the Court System. The Police Department or its officers do not set bail. In this case, bail was not approved,” responded Ulrich.

You seriously threatened a judge on the phone, and on Facebook? Brilliant! As reported by Courthouse News Service:

Ezra Osman [age 28] is the ex-husband of Iris Guillen, who works as clerk for 312th Family Court Judge David Farr, according to Harris County court records.

After Osman called the court repeatedly on May 9, Guillen told Judge Farr that Osman was harassing her, records state.

"The judge picked up the extension and told the defendant that if he continued to tie up the phone lines he would be in trouble," according to the charging document signed by an assistant district attorney. "The defendant then told the (judge), 'Fuck you, mother fucker. I'm gonna' come down there and fuck you up.'"

Guillen later showed a Harris County sheriff's deputy that Osman had made a threatening post on his Facebook page. It said: "Got my ninjas ... so heads are going to roll started with that punk ass judge," according to the assault charge.

Osman is currently jailed on a $20,000 bond.

As a regular bicycle commuter, it pains The Juice to have to say this, but it's not looking too good for this fellow cyclist. As reported by The Union Leader:

Police [in Somersworth, New Hampshire] arrested a Maine man riding a bicycle Friday in connection with a bank robbery across state lines.

Scott Marshall, 46, of 132 Airport Road in Sanford, Maine, was charged with being a fugitive from justice after police noticed he matched the description of a man who robbed Kennebunk Savings Bank in Berwick, Maine.

Officer Gary O'Brien, who responded to the reported robbery around 9:21 a.m., apprehended Marshall, who was riding the mountain bike on Market Street. Police found an undisclosed amount of cash and a bank bag, which led to the arrest, according to a release.

If you don't recognize the title of the post, go watch "Animal House." Now. Since you've seen the movie, or at least the clip, The Juice can tell you that Dorfman has nothing on these two. As reported by the Volusia County (Florida) Sheriff's Office:

Volusia County Sheriffs investigators have put the brakes on a two-man vandalism spree believed to be responsible for damage to nearly two dozen vehicles in the DeLand area over the past month. The two people arrested this week by investigators -- 20-year-old Keith Dekoeyer and 21-year-old Christopher Jackson -- said they were drunk during their escapades, acted out of boredom and for the most part hit vehicles at random.

But mad at his boss over some workplace issues, Jackson told Dekoeyer one night to drive to his boss’ apartment complex on Ayesbury Circle. Once there, Jackson got out and slashed all four tires on his boss’ truck and then the two fled the area. The very next night, they drove by the apartment complex again and saw that the victim had replaced his tires. Jackson thought it would be funny to slash the new tires, so he did. But after Jackson started bragging to co-workers, word got back to the victim, who contacted the Sheriff’s Office.

On Wednesday, Investigator Amy Smith confronted Dekoeyer with the evidence -- including the fact that a Jeep Wrangler had been spotted fleeing from a couple of the crime scenes -- and he confessed to his role. At the same time, Sheriff’s investigators who had Jackson under surveillance spotted him driving down the road and pulled him over as he drove into the Winn-Dixie in DeLand to report to work. Jackson was arrested Wednesday for driving on a suspended license. During questioning, Jackson initially denied being involved with the vandalisms, but later confessed to Investigator Smith. He was arrested Wednesday for driving with a suspended license and taken to the Volusia County Branch Jail in Daytona Beach. After bonding out, Jackson was re-arrested on Thursday and taken back to jail on a felony charge of criminal mischief connected to the first incident on April 23 involving his boss. Dekoeyer also was arrested on Thursday and charged with being a principle to criminal mischief.

Sure, things would go a lot more smoothly for you if you could just pepper spray people who don't listen to you. But you can't. Or, can you ... Okay, you can, but it'll cost you, as a Georgia teacher discovered. As reported by 11alive.com:

According to a Macon police news release, officers were called to the Elam Alexander [Academy] ... last Friday.

The release says a school video captured [teacher Barbara] Neeley spraying the 14-year-old boy. Police say two boys were disrupting a classroom and Neeley told them to return to their seats.

She warned she would pepper spray them if they didn't sit down. They didn't, and police say Neeley sprayed them. One boy closed his eyes and was not affected; the other boy was treated by a nurse and his parents were called to school.

Bibb schools spokesman Chris Floore said Barbara Neeley resigned from Elam Alexander Academy on Wednesday, after school officials completed their internal investigation of the pepper-spray incident. Neeley still faces a charge of cruelty to children, according to Macon police.

It was hard to decide whether to put this story in the "Uncool" or "Gross" category. The Juice went with "Uncool," though it was a tough call. As reported by The Bastro Enterprise:

A video that went viral on the Internet appeared to show someone in a University of Alabama jacket abusing an unconscious Louisiana State University fan after Alabama beat LSU for the BCS football championship, Jan. 9.

Downing, of Smiths Station, Ala., was later booked on charges of sexual battery and obscenity. He was videotaped Jan. 9 "placing his genitals on an LSU fan's face. The LSU fan appears to be heavily inebriated and practically unconscious," a police statement said.

It is abundantly clear that you just don't mess with Malone. That dog can flat-out smell, as a gent with a full cavity discovered. As reported by kvia.com (El Paso, Texas):

The seizure was made at approximately 1:30 p.m. Monday at the Paso Del Norte pedestrian crossing. A 35-year-old U.S. citizen from El Paso entered the port from Mexico and was selected for a secondary exam by CBP officers. CBP drug sniffing dog "Malone" alerted to the man. During the course of an interview with CBP officers the subject admitted that he had heroin concealed within his body. The subject removed a single oval shaped pellet from an internal cavity. The contents of the 136 gram bundle tested positive for heroin.

CBP officers took custody of the subject and turned him over to U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement HSI special agents for arrest. Federal prosecution was accepted and HSI agents booked the subject, Paulo Alfredo Macias, into the El Paso County Jail where he is currently being detained without bond.