Legal Juice

This story is truly wacky. First, you have a Proctor, Minnesota man who took a La-Z-Boy chair and put a lawnmower motor in it, and a steering wheel. Per the Duluth News Tribune, "It has a stereo, cup holders and other custom options, including different power levels." All tricked out and no place to go? Not exactly. Dennis LeRoy Anderson (62!) took his chair out on the town. And got lit. Then he took to the streets - and crashed into a parked car! How drunk was he? Really, really drunk (.29). Oh, and ...

He has one prior DWI conviction.

Anderson claimed he was driving the chair fine until a woman jumped on it and knocked the chair off course.

Judge Heather Sweetland sentenced Anderson to 180 days in the St. Louis County Jail or at the Northeast Regional Corrections Center and fined him $2,000 plus court fees. She stayed the jail time and one-half of the fine for two years of supervised probation. As conditions of his probation, Anderson must submit to a chemical dependency assessment, follow all recommendations, abstain from alcohol and unprescribed drugs, be subject to random testing and undergo 30 days of electronic monitoring.

So this 46-year-old woman in Florida had a boyfriend for about a year. Then she had to, um, go away for a little while (to jail). Well, really, did you expect her boyfriend to just sit around and wait? When his girlfriend's 25-year-old daughter was there? They didn't wait. Seems they got real close when mom was in jail. That worked out okay, until mom got out of jail, and moved backed into the family home. Snap!

As reported in The Orlando Sentinel, both mom and daughter were involved with boyfriend. Apparently this didn't sit too well with mom.

Johnson [the mom] told officers that after they left she went to go to bed, but her daughter "struck her with a closed fist on the forehead because she was jealous," according to her arrest affidavit.

But another witness at the scene, a juvenile, said Johnson entered the room where Richard Bowman [the boyfriend] was staying and grabbed his crotch. She would not let go, the witness told Fixl and that's when she struck her mother, according to the report.

Richard Bowman also told police Johnson grabbed him and would not let go. At one point, she said she was going to "rip them off," according to Bowman's account.

You can see mother and daughter, and read the entire story, by clicking here.

Of course the Juice would never condone vandalism, but ... how about that artwork! No doubt the City of Ottawa will think twice before installing a sign with an empty panel. A skilled vandal took the opportunity to fill that empty panel with ... well ... look at the picture above and figure it out for yourself. To read more (a fair amount), here's the Ottawa Citizen piece on the sign.

Talk about chutzpah. Check out this burglary, as reported by Sweden's "The Local" and "Helsingborgs Dagblad"

A thief in southern Sweden took time off during a weekend break-in to surf pornographic websites on a company computer ... local newspaper Helsingborgs Dagblad reports.

Already faced with the prospect of having to procure a new welding machine, the owner also suffered the indignity of being called out for lax sweeping procedures. A message on the company's computer screen spelled out the burglar's considered opinion:

"You need to clean up. Regards, Thief."

Police have so far been unsuccessful in their attempts to track down the hygiene-conscious bandit.

This story is wacky for 2 reasons: it involves a robbery due to some bad beef jerky, and the alleged robber works 2 doors down from the scene of the crime! As reported by The Cleveland Plain Dealer:

Police say a Cleveland barber got so upset by what he considered bad beef jerky that he returned to the store where he bought it and tried to rob the owner.

Police say the 28-year-old barber walked into the store where he bought the snack, just two doors down from his barbershop, and tried to rob the owner Thursday night.

The owner told the man he recognized him and chased him outside with a baseball bat.

The first police officer who arrived on the scene was also familiar with the barber because he cuts the officer's hair.

Police arrested the man at his girlfriend's house a few miles away.

The barber told police the stick of beef jerky he bought sickened him and his dog.

It's easy to play Monday-morning bird smuggler. But do you have any better ideas? From the L.A. Now blog (by Scott Glover) of the Los Angeles Times:

A man who allegedly flew from Vietnam to Los Angeles with 14 live birds hidden in his pants was one of two men indicted on smuggling-related charges today by a federal grand jury in Los Angeles.

Duc Le, 34, and Sony Dong, 46, are charged in an eight-count indictment with conspiring to smuggle dozens of birds into the United States, including red-whiskered bulbuls, magpie robins and shama thrushes.

Both men were arrested last month after investigators determined that Dong had 14 birds fastened to pieces of cloth around his calves, said Asst. U.S. Atty. Mark Williams. A subsequent search revealed dozens more illicit birds, officials said.

Now, dear, don't be ... oh my! He is driving backwards - down the highway! As reported by tdn.com (Washington State):

Police arrested a driver Thursday night who was cruising along Interstate 5 — in reverse.

The 41-year-old man drove at least three miles backward on Interstate 5 before his arrest around 8:30 p.m. Thursday, Cowlitz County Sheriff’s deputy Ryan Cruser said.

Police said they saw the man laughing as they approached the vehicle, which came to a stop in the middle of three northbound lanes at milepost 55 — not far from a rest area by the Cowlitz County-Lewis County border, according to Cruser.

The man refused to roll down his windows when police approached his rented 2009 Dodge Avenger, Cruser said. Police broke the window to arrest him.

Deputies used a Taser to subdue the driver when he began to struggle during the arrest, said Sgt. Blair Schmidt with the Washington State Patrol.

Alcohol and drugs are not believed to be a factor in the incident, Cruser said. Police plan to have the driver, a resident of Canada whose name wasn’t released, evaluated for possible mental problems.

It's 4:30 a.m. in Lincoln, Nebraska, and this guy needed some cigarettes. He was probably drunk (from drinking Bud Light.) Why would I guess that he was drinking Bud Light? Well sir, as reported by the Lincoln Journal Star:

A man who robbed a north Lincoln Kwik Shop on Monday morning brought a disguise — he was wearing a Bud Light box on his head.

The man had a green rag wrapped around his hand, implying he had a weapon, when he entered the store at 4400 Cornhusker Highway around 4:30 a.m. He made off with nine packs of Newport cigarettes, valued at nearly $50, police Capt. Bob Kawamoto said.

No, it's not the "give us cash to protect yourself from us" kind of protection. Without even being there, Chuck Norris has singlehandedly ended a series of break-ins at a bakery in Split, Croatia. From the Croatian Times:

Store bosses have seen off burglars by placing a life-sized photo of Hollywood action star Chuck Norris in the window.

The posh bakery shop in Split, Croatia, had often been broken until they put up the poster of the karate champ with a sign saying: "This shop is under the protection of Chuck Norris."

Now the bakery hasn't had a single burglary for more than a month. "People seem to respect him," said a sales assistant.

Sure, everyone has either heard about, or engaged in, a love tumble in a strange place or two. But, as Maxwell Smart often said to the Chief, "would you believe" a couple in British Columbia was caught having sex IN A GARBAGE TRUCK!? As reported in the Courier Mail, there were " ... reports of people walking suspiciously behind a business ..."

"When the officer was out of his car having a look around, checking doors he could hear noises coming from the dumpster," said Sgt. John Price.

The officer called out and got no response, so he pulled out his flashlight and took a look inside.

"He peeked over the edge and in the bottom of the dumpster, a man and a woman (were) full-on nude, intertwined, oblivious to his presence," Price said, confirming the pair were in the act.

I think this dog skipped a lot of classes at the Police K-9 Academy...

A motorized barstool! Think about it. You hop on it at home, drive right into (and up to) the bar, down a few, then drive back home. Brilliant! The proud owner, Kile Wygle, said it can go 38 mph! Luckily for him, he was "only" going 20 mph when he crashed. Unluckily, he was busted for "driving" under the influence (and with a suspended license!). And, as reported by News Talk 610 WTVN:

Wygle was treated for minor injuries at Licking Memorial Hospital where he joked with Trotter about drinking 15 beers before the crash. He refused the blood-alcohol test.

The headline from the story by WXYZ in Detroit sums it up nicely: "Teacher By Day, Inmate By Night." For 30 days anyway, when Mr. Donald Colpaert is not teaching social studies to middle schoolers in Macomb County, he's in jail. Here's an exchange between WXYZ reporter Heather Catallo and Mr. Colpaert:

"I’m wondering why you’re still teaching if you’re in jail? I’m not in jail. I’m bringing lunch for my friends. No, you’re going back to your work release position. How can you be a role model for your students? Are you familiar with what’s going on at all with the case? Why don’t you tell us? I don’t really feel like explaining it. The court’s done a pretty good job of that."

According to court records, the secretary says Colpaert started harassing her husband with phone calls and text messages after she decided to patch up her marriage.

During a hearing to obtain personal protection orders against Colpaert – the secretary and her husband submitted several of Colpaert’s email messages to Macomb County Judge Ed Servitto.

In one from October – Colpaert writes to another school co-worker about what he was allegedly planning to do at a party that the secretary was going to attend with her husband. One message states: "me and some of my friends will be waiting outside." and "the s**t is definitely gonna hit the fan." In another message Colpaert allegedly told the party hostess "I cant [sic] and WILL NOT promise that nothing will go down at your house."

As for the text messages that Colpaert allegedly sent to the secretary’s husband – they’re so obscene we can not describe them on television.

When the judge granted the PPOs for the school secretary and her husband, according to the hearing transcript, he had some strong words for the teacher. Judge Servitto said "I can’t believe you’re an educator." He also told Colpaert: "I don’t know that you should be a teacher. I don’t know. It just amazes me"

What’s truly amazing is that Donald Colpaert violated the PPO within minutes of leaving Servitto’s courtroom.

According to police reports, in the court hallway-- Colpaert told the secretary’s husband, "we could have settled this man to man, it’s on now, it’s on."

After those comments – a judge sent Colpaert to jail for 30 days for violating the PPO.

The Van Dyke Public School District did suspend Donald Colpaert for 3 days without pay for violating a directive they had given him to stop contacting the secretary. An attorney for the district tells Action News at this point, that’s the highest level of punishment that can be leveled against a tenured teacher.

When you think of a crime spree, don't you think of a string of similar crimes? Irishman
Richard William O'Flynn, in Australia on a 2-year visa, defied convention with his spree. As reported by livenews.com.au:

His most bizarre act was to take a goldfish into a Ticketek office in the CBD and demand money so he could pay for food to feed it.

On another occasion he and a male friend got drunk and entered a cake store, where he demanded a "gay cake" for their "gay wedding". O'Flynn then picked up a cake decorating knife and threatened the assistant, asking for money. When she told him she would call the police, he and his friend left the store, the court was told.

O'Flynn... also pleaded guilty to wilful damage for kicking a car during an argument in Bundaberg.

He also pleaded guilty to using [the telephone] to menace, harass or cause offence after repeatedly calling a real estate agent and abusing her because she left a flyer in his mailbox.

Judge Griffin described O'Flynn's behaviour as "disgraceful" and said Australia would be better off without him. [O'Flynn is returning to Ireland at the end of the month.]

"We will all be altogether pleased to see you go," Judge Griffin said.

For offenses involving socks, two British men were sentenced to 18 months in jail (for "conspiring to commit acts of gross indecency"), and put on the sex offenders' registry for 10 years. Really. Per The Southport Visiter:

Two men swindled hundreds of people in Southport out of their socks back in the 1990s.

Claiming to be collecting the socks for good causes, the men approached unsuspecting victims in the resort’s bars and clubs and paid revellers up to £5 for their footwear.

They made sure to take pictures of the victims with their socks and then meticulously tagged each pair with the donor’s name before wrapping them in sandwich bags.

... 4,000 pairs in binbags in a cupboard. Officers described their astonishment when they found they had to wade through an 18 inch deep “carpet” of smelly socks. “They were everywhere and anywhere,” an officer said.

“They were all over the furniture, hanging from lampshades and even in the microwave, frying pan and cooker."

“It was like there had been an explosion in a sock factory and socks had blown all over the place. In my 25 years with the police I have never seen anything like it.”

This man clearly belongs in the Streaking Hall of Fame. As reported by The Times of India:

Students at the varsity were stunned to see a youth walk stark naked right past them, said MSU officials. "Though it was a holiday due to Moharram, there were several students on the campus as the youth festival is on. Girls looked the other way as he walked towards the Law faculty, unabashedly," said an official.

"Security personnel tried in vain to stop the youth, who had entered through the gate opposite MSU's Experimental School at noon," the official said. "Five security guards accosted him only to be snubbed by the youth, who asked them to call higher officials. The guards even gave him a sound thrashing, so much so that their batons broke," the official narrated.

...this did not deter the youth who ran to Experimental School and supposedly vanished out of the gate.

And if that wasn't enough excitement on campus for the day ...

Meanwhile, the dust was just about to settle on the matter when another incident took the campus by the storm. A group of monkeys wreaked havoc after a baby monkey was electrocuted in the morning when it came in contact with a live wire.

The apes started attacking passers-by walking near the site of the accident. The crisis ended when fire brigade officials disentangled the monkey's body from the electric wire, after which monkeys picked up their deceased offspring and left.

Here's the story from ABC News (that's the Australian Broadcasting Corporation):

A Darwin man has been fined $2,000 for filming himself masturbating while speeding along the Stuart Highway.

The man is already in jail until August after pleading guilty to carrying cannabis in the car boot and two plants on the back seat.

Brenton Alan Erhardt, 39, pleaded guilty in the Darwin Magistrates Court to dangerous driving.

He was pulled over by police on the Stuart Highway in July speeding at 147 kilometres per hour, south of Daly Waters. He admitted to officers he filmed himself masturbating while driving from Adelaide to Darwin.

He also pleaded guilty to driving unlicensed, carrying two cannabis smoking pipes, administering the drug and carrying a loaded rifle. Magistrate Sue Oliver says the driving was bizarre to say the least and conduct she expects of someone much younger.

Just what is the condition imposed by Judge Tom Broadmore for granting bail to Mr. Ben Hana (who was charged with cannabis possession and obscene exposure)?

That he wear underwear.

"He wears high-risk clothing. It's a way of life rather than a deliberate attempt at lewdness."

Judge Tom Broadmore was sceptical of Ms Dixon's explanation: "I was walking down Courtenay Place and I'm sure he was exposing his genitals. It's just not something the public should have to tolerate."

Ms Dixon suggested making the wearing of underwear a bail condition as a "precautionary measure".

The judge agreed to bail on condition that Hana not enter licensed premises, other than supermarkets, not drink alcohol and that he wear underpants or boxer shorts while in public.

Yes, you read that correctly. A police officer and a cow. As reported by CBS.com, a Bulington County, New Jersey police officer has been charged with ...

...four counts of animal cruelty after allegedly engaging in sex acts with cows between June and December of 2006.

As you'll see, this defense is not available to everyone... As reported by The Times:

The driver was a belly dancer who had stopped in her car in a restricted parking zone in London. She had left her vehicle stationary with the engine running, and walked off with some props into the building where she was to perform. She was issued with a [ticket] ...

She explained that her conduct was necessary because in her car she had snakes that she was about to use in her “exotic dance routine”. She needed to leave the engine running, she explained, in order to keep her reptiles warm to stop them from falling asleep. If they fell asleep they would, the appeal was told, be difficult to rouse quickly enough for their impending stage performance with the dancer.

Yes, the kid was busted for farting in school, and otherwise "disrupting" his class. From TheLedger.com, here's the story:

A student at a Florida school has been arrested after authorities say he was "passing gas" and turned off his classmates' computers.

According to a report released Friday by the Martin County Sheriff's Office, the 13-year-old boy "continually disrupted his classroom environment" by intentionally breaking wind. He then shut off some computers other students were using.

The Spectrum Junior-Senior High School student was arrested Nov. 4. A school resource officer placed the boy under arrest after he confessed about his behavior, according to the report. He was charged with disruption of school function and released to his mother.

These folks were caught (and some were busted for) having sex in all kinds of places. As reported by The Mirror, the places are ...

On a cop car

For some people having sex in public just isn’t daring enough and they must take it that extra mile by, for instance, having sex on a police car. But not just any old cop car, one that has bobbies in it.

A randy Dutch couple – known for their clogs and proclivity to fornicate in full view of emergency service personnel - decided the bonnet was the place to bonk and say they didn’t notice the two cops sitting in the car (eating donuts and watching, no doubt).

The police got out of their car and politely asked the couple to stop and go somewhere else, as the law doesn't specifically prohibit people from having sex on top of a cop car but does state that police officers need to be available for duty.

In church

Sometimes the Holy Spirit takes over in church and people leap to their feet to praise the Lord. A couple in Cesena, Italy, put a whole new spin on worship when they 'took communion' in the confessional booth during morning mass.

The police were called after members of the congregation heard ‘grunts and moans’. The couple – who were drunk – were cautioned for obscene acts and disturbing a religious function, which ‘religious function’ was disturbed we ask?

At school

That hotbed of hormones is a well known breeding ground for dangerous sexual liaisons but it’s not so controversial if two teachers get together on campus, unless they do it in front of a security camera.

That’s exactly what one stupid, married principal in North Carolina did. Not once, but many times with various women. He had the presence of mind to do it behind closed doors but neglected to turn off, or avoid, the security camera pointing directly at his desk. Video was later released forcing him and his co-stars to resign.

In a car park (parking garage)

A car park isn’t a particularly unusual place to find a copulating couple but this month two love cheats were exposed in Scotland when they “got carried away”. Gillian Stalker and John McDougall denied 'dogging' after having sex in a car and moving the romp outside into the car park at Irvine beach in Ayrshire.

Gillian Stalker, 40, said she was aware of another man watching them from his car but denied police claims that the area was busy with dog walkers and children and said neither she nor her lover would normally have sex in public.

The self-employed saleswoman told the court: "John and myself had engaged in some sexual activity in the car. "But as there was not much room, and also because it was a nice day, we decided to continue outside and in a public place."

She said she and McDougall did not take much notice of the man watching them "as we were getting a bit carried away, as you do in a situation like that".

In a bank

The French are well known for their sexual passion and one couple just couldn’t hold back when they found themselves alone in the bank.

The duo was caught by a group of teenagers armed with a mobile phone across the street. Be warned, the video is explicit, but the woman’s reaction when she realised she’s been sprung is priceless. She faints.

In the cockpit

In 1916, the first ever known case of sex on a plane resulted in a plane crash – probably because it was the pilot who was immersed in the action. Is this why it’s called the cockpit?

The National Transportation Safety Board has also attributed one fatal accident to a pilot being distracted by extra-curricular activities noting that she made an “improper in-flight decision to divert her attention to other activities not related to the conduct of the flight.”

Clear evidence that while joining the mile high club may be fun it’s not such a great idea if you’re in charge of keeping the plane up.

At work

One quite night in England a Polish contractor working late on a children’s hospital decided the stress of the day was just too much and he needed to relieve himself. There beneath him lay Henry, a vacuum cleaner with a great big cartoon smile on its face. Who could possibly resist?

A passing security guard saw the man in flagrante and asked him to clean himself, and the vacuum, up before leaving the premises.

On a crane

Have you ever looked at a crane and thought ‘Pwoar, I’d really like to get down on that’? Thought not. But Florida couple Justin Dunn and Nicole Albert climbed up on a crane in broad daylight to bump and grind.

The couple got off with just a warning, as Dunn's father owned the crane and it was private property. They were told to try to be more discrete in the future.

In jail

In Boston Legal lawyers are prone to frenzied expressions of affection on the law books so perhaps we should expect high jinks of a David E. Kelly kind in real life?

Prison tends to evoke unfortunate images best left untouched but nothing as outrageous as a Seattle public defender getting caught having sexual relations with a triple-murder defendant she was representing.

Train tracks

This September a couple in South Africa decided that having sex in the path of a fast-moving train was a good idea...

When the train pulled into the station and the conductor shouted out the window for the couple to move they decided to finish off rather than save their own lives.

Here's the source.

So, Bernard Wood was free on bond for breaking into 2 homes in the same neighborhood on successive days in June. What does he do with his time while out on bond? He returns to that same neighborhood, and breaks into another home! Only this time he left a card with his name on it, saying "I did it." That's actually only a slight exaggeration. Here's what happened, per the Lynchburg, Virginia News & Advance (11/16/08):

“He ate the chicken like it was a cob of corn ... And then he just left it there.”

...he washed down [the] chicken with a bottle of orange juice ...

It didn’t take much detective work to match his greasy fingerprints on the orange juice bottle to those on file [from the June robberies].

Mr. John Renshaw built a 2-story, 2-bedroom house inside a ... barn! Totally inside a barn! Why? Because he knew he couldn't get a permit to build it, and, per The Telegraph,

[Council officers] think he attempted to use a loophole in the law that states that properties built without planning permission are allowed to stand if they have been lived in and undetected for at least four years.

... the High Court recently ruled the four-year period only begins when any sheilding is removed, meaning that even if he had managed to hide the house and live in darkness for four years, he faced having to knock it down the moment it was unveiled.

Seriously, it sucks so much, a Michigan man couldn't resist. A car wash, a vacuum, an arrest... From The Saginaw News:

Police say a Michigan man has been arrested after "receiving sexual favors from a vacuum" at a car wash.

The Saginaw News reports the 29-year-old Swan Creek Township man was arrested Thursday in Saginaw County's Thomas Township, about 90 miles northwest of Detroit.

Police Sgt. Gary Breidinger says a resident called to report suspicious activity at the car wash about 6:45 a.m. An officer approached on foot and caught the man in the act. The suspect, whose name wasn't immediately released, is being held in the Saginaw County Jail.

Seriously, he said to shoot her, and she did. The charges? None. Here's the story from The Denver Post:

Authorities said a woman who shot her husband in the knee won't face charges because he begged her to do it. The Arapahoe County Sheriff's office said a 35-year-old woman accused her husband of being drunk and becoming violent during an argument.
She took control of a handgun during the dispute and claimed her husband begged her to shoot him and told her to 'finish it' after she fired a shot.

The sheriff's office said the 34-year-old husband was uncooperative with deputies before he was taken into custody and hospitalized. He was now being held at the Arapahoe County jail after his wife accused him of forcing her into the bathroom and holding a gun to her head before the shooting. He faces charges of felony menacing, third-degree assault and false imprisonment.

So maybe that's not exactly the defense employed, but it's damn close. As reported in The South Asian Post:

An Indian man escaped a possible death sentence for drug trafficking after his lawyer told a court it was impossible to walk with a stash of heroin in his underpants.Mumbai police alleged Dhirendra Kamdar was carrying two kilograms of the drug in four, 500-gram packets in his underwear when they picked him up as he walked from a guest house to get a taxi to the city's airport. But when the case came to trial, Kamdar's lawyer Ayaz Khan said it was impossible for anyone to walk one kilometre with such an amount of drugs concealed in his smalls, the Daily News and Analysis newspaper said.Khan demonstrated his theory to the judge using four identically-sized bags filled with sugar, and was acquitted of the charge on lack of evidence.

Okay, maybe going to McDonald's when you have the munchies isn't such a bad idea. But let's say, for whatever reason, you try to pay for your food with ... pot! I guess it didn't occur to the hungry gent to sell the weed, and then buy some food? As reported in the Treasure Coast Palm:

A McDonald's cashier called 911 at 12:22 a.m. Monday after Shawn Alexander Pannullo, 27, of the 4800 block of Second Street, Vero Beach, wanted to trade some marijuana for food, according to the arrest affidavit.

The cashier from the McDonald's, located in the 5000 block of 20th Street, provided a description of Pannullo's vehicle. A deputy spotted the car and found marijuana inside, the affidavit said.

Pannullo was charged with possession of cannabis and posted $500 bail Monday.

The report didn't indicate what Pannullo ordered at McDonald's or if he paid for the meal through other means.

A 26-year-old man in Northern Ireland has 104 convictions. His crimes include, per The Belfast Telegraph,

... a string of offences including burglary, theft, assault and other dishonesty type offences.

... on the condition that he resides at an agreed address, adheres to a strict curfew, does not enter Belfast in the evening, does not drink any alcohol and takes a breathalyser test any time police request it.

When the Telegraph called at his address in Co Down on two occasions this week we were told he was not there — during the hours of a strict curfew.

An occupant at the house said she had not seen him and was unsure of his whereabouts.

He crashed his Hummer into their - um, his - house! At about 2:30 a.m.! As reported by delawareonline:

According to New Castle County police, the tenants, a 50-year-old man and his 53-year-old wife, awoke around 2:30 a.m. to a loud crash at their home on Lute Court in the Harmony Woods development in Ogletown.

They looked outside to see "headlights shining into the bedroom" and quickly went to check on their 6-year-old son sleeping in a separate bedroom. They then heard what sounded like a person attempting to kick in the front door.

As the woman was on the phone, calling 911, Ott allegedly shouted, "Tell the police it's the landlord that tore up the building."

He then fled the scene, according to police, leaving a footprint on the front door.

Officers investigating the incident later went to Ott's home on Old Baltimore Pike and found his Hummer, damaged, with a pine branch lodged in the bumper.

...charges of attempted burglary, harassment, leaving the scene of an accident, reckless driving, failure to report an accident and endangering the welfare of the three occupants of the home.

How do you get free porn? Well, here's what a guy in Longmont, Colorado tried, as reported by The Longmont Times:

... the man provided a badge and a business card without a name, and told the clerks he was a detective with the Longmont Police Department’s “age verification unit,” which does not exist. The man claimed he would verify the ages of the performers in the videos ...

From the Police Blotter of the Daily Nexus, at the University of California, Santa Barbara:

Sun., Aug. 2, 2:47 a.m. — Officers working the late shift received a call concerning a man loitering at the 7-Eleven convenience store on Hollister Avenue.

According to the employee, the 35-year old man was leaning his face against the front windows, pressing his lips against the glass and leaving slobbery smooches for the clerk.

When the deputy arrived, he asked the late-night lover what his name was. The man was quick to answer: “God,” he told the officer.

Unfazed, the officer asked what the man was doing. “Purples fives in my eyes,” he replied.

The psychedelic poet continued, uttering more strange answers when questioned. When asked his address, he mentioned a “Thermo Nuclear Device” and at one point began speaking in numbers.

And when he wasn’t articulating the outlandish and bizarre, he would stand with his eyes closed and refuse to answer any questions.

The officer could not detect the presence of alcohol, but judging from his weird behavior, arrested the 35-year old man for public intoxication of a controlled substance and transported him to the Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending sobriety.

As Police Cmdr. Kelly McMillin said: "you couldn t make up something stranger than this." So here's what happened, per knbc.com. Old Edward Bishop went and stole himself a pickup truck. Not so exciting, but ...

...while [Mr. Bishop was] sitting outside a convenience store, a man with a gun hopped in and ordered him to start driving.

The pickup ran out of gas and the gunman ordered Bishop to get out and push, but Bishop ran away and called police.

No, it's not another butt cleavage, low rider pants story. And actually, it was meth, not crack, that Brian James Verdoes snuck into jail. How was he caught? From the Worthington Daily Globe:

While in the jail, Verdoes exhibited strange behavior, lying on the floor with his legs raised in the air. He had requested to use the bathroom, and then changed his mind when told he would be watched.

Verdoes was transferred to the Nobles County Jail, and the agent told jail staff he believed Verdoes was hiding contraband in his rectum. He was placed in isolation, where he was required to ask staff when he needed to use the bathroom. More than 24 hours later, the agent was informed Verdoes had not used the bathroom, but staff said they observed him lying on his back with his feet in the air.

The agent obtained a search warrant asking that Verdoes be brought to Sanford Regional Hospital Worthington to be examined by medical staff and have any foreign objects removed from his person. After being informed of the warrant, Verdoes agreed to use the bathroom and passed a plastic bag containing 1.8 grams of meth. He was examined at the hospital, but no evidence of any more foreign objects was found.

Bad things, at least in this instance in Brigantine, New Jersey. As reported in The Press of Atlantic City:

... Kevin Dorsey, 36, was visiting his girlfriend's West Brigantine Avenue apartment and had the .40-caliber handgun out when he somehow shot it into the floor at about 12:40 a.m. It kept going through the ceiling downstairs, then grazed the right arm of a woman who was in the first-floor kitchen.

"Then it hits a kitchen cabinet, hits the floor, deflects 90 degrees and strikes the refrigerator," the detective continued. "That changes the trajectory again, and it winds up about 15 feet away, striking the boyfriend - who's sitting on the couch."

They charged Dorsey with aggravated assault and several firearms violations, including unlawful possession of hollow-point bullets and illegal possession of a gun by a felon. They tacked on several drug charges because in a long search of the apartment, which the woman finally consented to, they found marijuana, cocaine and other illegal drugs. Police determined that the drugs belonged to Dorsey.

Before you jump all over 19-year-old Calvin Morett [not pictured above - that dude is a "model"], remember that you were once 19 too. It seems Mr. Morett was not content to throw his cap in the air. Instead, he came to graduation dressed as a 6-foot penis, and sprayed students and school administrators with silly string (per The Albany Times Union). It didn't go over well. He was apprehended when he tripped on his, um, costume. He was charged with, and pleaded guilty to, disorderly conduct. The punishment for this "crime?" Three apologies (one of which will be published in the local paper), $95 in court costs, and 24 hours community service. What did Mr. Morett have to say for himself?

... he recently told a local television station that he thought the prank was worth whatever punishment he would face because he made people happy.

A 9-year-old kid made a bomb! And threw it on his neighbor's porch, where it exploded! When the neighbor came to the door, the boy flipped him off and ran. As reported by Gannett New Jersey:

The boy made the bomb using three simple household items, police said: a plastic soda bottle, drain cleaner and aluminum foil.

Mixing drain cleaner and aluminum foil creates a gas which, when capped, will eventually explode.

No, not that. Read on... So 65-year old Pamela Fox thought 50-year-old neighbor Marija Andric harmed her flowers. Ms. Fox then allegedly "poured a caustic substance over the borders and lawn of [Ms.] Andric," per The Telegraph. But that wasn't the end of it.

Mrs Fox confronted Miss Andric, who opened her door to find Fox pointing an aerosol spray at her face.

Olive Lycourgou, prosecuting, at Reading Crown Court, Berks, said: "Miss Andric put her hands up to protect her face. Mrs Fox leaned in and bit off the end of Miss Andric's little finger." After the alleged assault she said Fox spat blood out of her mouth and ran away. Surgeons were unable to reattach the finger.

Yes, I know that gas prices are even higher in Europe than here. Even so ... [As reported by the AP]:

A German man doused his BMW with gasoline and torched it on Friday in protest at skyrocketing fuel costs, police said. The unemployed 30-year-old man drove the black 1995 BMW 3-series sedan onto the lawn outside Frankfurt's convention center grounds at about 7:30 a.m., police spokesman Karlheinz Wagner said.

He then jumped out, emptied a canister of gas over the vehicle, and set fire to it, Wagner said. By the time the fire department got to the scene, the car was entirely burned out.

The Bavarian man, whose name was being withheld because he has not been charged with a crime, told police that gas prices were so high he could no longer afford to drive the vehicle.

As in many countries, gasoline prices have risen steadily in Germany; a liter of regular gasoline now costs about euro1.55, or $9.40 per gallon.

Police were investigating whether the man could be charged with violating German environmental laws with the stunt, Wagner said. Penalties range from fines to five years in prison.

Perhaps Tennessee resident David Dewayne Sanders is not aware of his constitutional right not to incriminate himself. As reported in The Murfreesboro Post,

[Detective] Beene approached Sanders last week on South University Street and asked if he had any drugs on him.

“Sanders said that he did and retrieved a plastic bag of crack cocaine from his buttocks,” Beene reported.

... you will probably think about this story. Over several months, this guy noticed that some of his food kept disappearing. So he had cameras that transmitted images to his cell phone installed. As reported by the AP:

One of the cameras captured someone moving inside his home Thursday after he had left, and he called police believing it was a burglar. However, when they arrived they found the door locked and all windows closed.

As reported in The Cincinnati Enquirer:

A Columbus man has been charged with crawling under a table at a library on University of Cincinnati's campus, spraying a substance from a syringe on a woman's shoes and then photographing them.

Dwight Pannell, 43, was booked into the county jail Wednesday on charges of voyeurism, assault and criminal trespass.

"He admitted taking pictures of her feet," [University Police Captain] Patterson said. "He said he was doing so because it was a new camera."

According to a July 18, 2000, story in The Enquirer, Pannell was accused of attacking a woman with a syringe at Ohio State University's main library. He was charged with assault and possession of criminal tools. The woman was treated at a hospital and released.

He will be forever known as the "duct tape bandit." Why? Kasey Kazee, unarmed, entered a liquor store in eastern Kentucky - with his head and face almost completely covered in duct tape. The manager tackled him and held him until the police arrived. Incredibly, despite the fact that the duct tape was removed from his face at the scene, Mr. Kazee initially denied he was the "duct tape bandit." He had a change of heart, and pleaded guilty. He was just sentenced to 10 years in prison. Here's an article from his arrest and one from his recent sentencing.

An 18-year-old stole an SUV, but couldn't shake the cops. So he ditched it, and ran into the woods. Bad move, because he ran into a bunch of wild boars. The boars were pissed, scaring the thief so much that he started yelling for help. The police gladly responded, and arrested the young man. Here's the source.

It's 2:30 a.m. in Hartman, Arkansas. Do you know where your 12-year-old is? No worries. He's just drinking your beer, with his 10-year-old friend, then taking the truck out for a spin. Why? Per the AP, to find a girl they met at the rodeo! Here's what happened:

The boys made it about 10 miles before the 12-year-old lost control of the truck... the truck hit and jumped over a guardrail, sending it careening 50 feet down a steep hill into a forest.

"I opened the door and the first thing (the 12-year-old) said to me was, 'I'm drunk and I had a wreck,'" James said. "I looked at him and I thought 'You're kind of young to be out drinking. And you sure shouldn't be driving.'"

Okay, maybe that sounds just a little insane. But consider this - he was driving! As reported in the Reading Eagle,

Messerly was driving his employer’s minivan on the bypass in West Reading about 3 p.m. April 4 when he climbed out of the driver-side window, stood on the roof and was catapulted into the woods when the van crashed into a guide rail, borough police said.

When they arrived, the officers were confronted by a nude Messerly, who came toward them and ignored orders to stop. Two of the officers used Taser stun guns on Messerly to try to stop him.

Messerly fell to the ground, but got up as the officers approached him. A third officer hit Messerly in the back with a Taser, which briefly stunned him.

Messerly still refused to heed the officers’ orders and started toward them again.

One of the officers sprayed Messerly in the face with pepper spray, another hit him in the back with a baton and another reactivated one of the Tasers.

Messerly still refused to cooperate.

After a second shot of pepper spray to his face, another hit to his back with a baton and a fifth jolt from a Taser, Messerly was taken to the ground and handcuffed.

... Messerly ... told police he had used crack cocaine the night before the April 4 accident and had not slept since then, according to [Court] documents.

... driving under the influence, risking a catastrophe, indecent exposure, resisting arrest, public drunkenness and related offenses.

So this woman is on a Delta flight that lands at Logan International Airport in Boston. As she would make sure everyone knows, she is FAMOUS! As reported in The Boston Globe:

The general manager of WHDH Channel 7 was arrested after an allegedly drunken, obscenity-laced tirade at Logan International Airport in which she threatened to call a news crew and put a state trooper "on TV and ruin [his] life," according to a police report.

Randi Goldklank flailed her arms and screamed at State Police when they took her into custody after her Delta flight landed Sunday night, according to the report. She had to be helped off the plane by two crew members, according to the report, and struck a trooper in the chest, breaking the prescription glasses in his pocket.

... she was overheard by police telling medical personnel that she had had "about three dozen drinks." Goldklank smelled of alcohol and was so intoxicated that police had difficulty booking her, the report stated

"I'm a big shot in Boston and I'll have your [expletive] jobs."

"You think you're a [expletive] tough guy, just you watch and see what the [expletive] happens to you when I get out of here."

'You think I’m cute and I think you're cute, just drive me home.'

Goldklank defended her behavior to the Boston Herald Monday night and told the paper she was inappropriately touched by a male passenger seated beside her.

There was no mention of the male passenger in the State Police report. Trooper Eric Benson, a department spokesman, said this morning that “there has been no complaint made to the State Police alleging any such improper contact.”

"Down on the floor!" - or something like that - said the knife-wielding, would-be robber of the Cigarette Outlet in Des Moines, Iowa. Although employee #1 complied, #2 (Ruth Wright) didn't, and grabbed a couple cans of chewing tobacco. Per the Des Moines Register:

Wright threw two cans of chewing tobacco at the man, one of which bounced off his face. A customer tackled the robber, but the robber broke off and ran out the door. Wright then called the store’s manager, who contacted police.

People always ask how I find the stories for Legal Juice. I found this one on the back page of the "A" section of yesterday's Washington Post. I was skimming a full-page ad for a new allergy drug called "Xyzal." Ignore, if you can, the idiotic name "Xyzal." In the not-so-fine print, I read the following:

Do not take Xyzal if you are allergic to Xyzal ...

But there's more. The "don't operate heavy machinery while taking this drug" warning is very common. But what about driving your car?

"Patients taking Xyzal should avoid operating machinery or driving a motor vehicle."

Yup. A 30-year-old Toronto man was riding the bus. After making eye contact with the man next to him, the friendly guy said "hello." This was too much for the unfriendly guy, who, as reported in The National Post, then asked

Why do you say hello to me? I don't know you.

The victim apologized on the bus, and again when they got off, but the man pulled out a knife and stabbed him. The victim was taken to hospital and received numerous stitches.

By who? A principal! According to Anita White, a teacher at New Braunfels Middle School in San Antonio, Texas, here's what principal John Burks said to her and three other teachers:

He stated if the scores were not to his liking, he would kill us all and then kill himself. He was very emphatic, he was not laughing, he was not being funny.

The last thing he said (was) you just don't know how ruthless I can be.

Joe Scola, of Gloucester, Massachusetts, heard the front door of his restaurant slam. As reported in the Gloucester Daily Times,

When he glanced outside, he saw his waitress returning from a break. She asked him, "Who's that guy carrying the meat down the street?" Scola recounted yesterday.

"What are you doing with my food?" Scola said he asked the suspect. "I'm really hungry, man," the suspect replied.

"I slammed him with the ham in the face," Scola said from his kitchen yesterday. The would-be thief, stunned and with a gouge on his face, dropped the meat and ran.

"I felt bad," Scola said of the suspect's injuries. "If he had come in and said he was hungry, I'd have given him a breakfast."

How do we know this? Because Daniel Kuch, of Pasco, Washington, had his friend shoot him, and then told the police he was shot while jogging. Could work really be that bad? Apparently Kuch wanted to avoid an upcoming drug test. Both Kuch and his friend were busted. Kuch will likely be charged with false reporting, and the shooter for reckless endangerment.

Show up for questioning about stolen clothes, including a jacket, wearing the stolen jacket! As reported at SheboyganPress.com,

Felipe M. Medina, of Sheboygan, was charged Thursday with a misdemeanor count of retail theft.

The criminal complaint said Medina took a pair of blue jeans, a black T-shirt and a black jacket from a Kohl’s store on Nov. 27 in Sheboygan. Police Capt. James Veeser identified Medina as the suspect after viewing the store surveillance tape.

A detective asked Medina to come to the police station Wednesday. He admitted in a police interview that he took the clothes and was currently wearing the stolen jacket, the complaint said.

He faces up to nine months in jail if convicted.

Charles Chambers went to the Anderson County (South Carolina) Sheriff's Office "to demand the return of nearly $2,000 officers seized from him during a drug arrest last June," per the AP. After they told him to pound sand,

... an officer noticed he got into a car that matched the description of a vehicle stolen about three hours earlier.

Another officer pulled the man over and told him to stop the car. The officer said Chambers stuck a screwdriver in the ignition to shut it off because the vehicle's key switch had been removed.

Authorities say Chambers was charged with possession of a stolen automobile, driving under suspension and a tag violation.

Per the St. Petersburg Times:

To prove he's incompetent to stand trial on multiple felony charges, Robert Sinclaire Lee hid a razor in his mouth and used it to cut his wrist in court.

He smeared feces on his face.

And Monday, he entered a courtroom with feces hidden in his jail jacket pocket.

Prosecutors also have jail phone call recordings on which Lee laughs about acting "crazy."

As reported in the City News:

It is a tale that could only happen in the age of the Internet and it's become the focus of worldwide attention. A German woman has won a court battle to force an Internet service provider to reveal the names of the men who may have gotten her pregnant. That's unusual enough, but the circumstances surrounding this case are even more bizarre.

She doesn't know who the guy is because the six men on the 'possibility list' all won the chance to have intimate relations with her as part of an Internet auction. The Stuttgart woman offered up her services to the highest bidders in April and May of last year. She only knew the 'winners' by their screen names.

When she found out she was expecting, she decided she had to know the father's name. But when the ISP refused to provide their identities, the reluctant mother-to-be took legal action. "The woman wanted to discover which one of the men had made her pregnant," a court spokesman explains. "So she needed their contact details."

After hashing out the arguments, a judge has now ruled that it's the child's right to know who the real dad is and that the Internet provider must give her the names of the men involved.

But this legal battle is far from over. Once she learns their I.D.s, there's no indication whether the men involved will cooperate with her search. And that may take her back before yet another judge. "If they're not willing to go along with the gene test, she'll have to take them to court," the spokesman admits.

Sixty-one-year-old Janusz Nowak of Sosnowiec, Poland was sick and tired of people vandalizing his bus stop. So, he pasted the following notice on the pavement:

"Dear Vandals - please stop destroying the bus-stop."

A police spokesman said: "Although the man had good intentions and wanted to express his indignation towards hooligans' behaviour in the neighbourhood he unfortunately broke the law himself."

Ah yes, the happy couple. James McManus and Corina McCarthy became engaged in December 2005, and they lived... Actually, she dumped him, and returned the "relatively expensive" engagement ring. She changed her mind, again, and they got engaged, again, with the same ring. Then she dumped him, again. Mr. McManus took quite a hit [$!] when he sold the ring.

Ms. McCarthy changed her mind (altogether now) again, leading to their third engagement. This time, though, Mr. McManus ended it. As reported in The Leader-Post, "he cancelled the engagement and ring [while it was being made] and had to pay for the work already done." Okay. You took another hit, Jimmy, but it's only money. You can move on, right?

Nope. They became engaged, again! (Nooooooooo!) And they actually got married! And lived happily ever after? No, they were married for nine days! What about the ring? Ms. McCarthy wouldn't give it back. So Mr. McManus sued her - and the testimony?

McManus said McCarthy would not marry him unless he purchased another ring. He said he made it clear on at least three occasions that the ring was to be returned to him in the event their relationship ended. She denied any such discussion took place.

"While this would seem to be a very unusual conversation for engaged parties to have leading up to their marriage, it does not at all strike me as strange in the circumstances of this case and given the history of this very volatile up-and-down relationship."

True. As reported in The Knox County Times, Camden-Rockport Middle School in New Jersey has banned farting, apparently due to a bunch of superfarting eighth-graders. This is from the Fire Cracker, the school's newsletter:

Strange, but true, thanks to a bunch of 8th grade boys, intentional farting has been banned from CRMS. It started out as a funny joke and eventually turned into a game. This is the first rule at CRMS that prevents the use of natural bodily functions. The penalty for intentional farting is a detention, so keep it to yourself!

New Yorker John McDonald was charged with second-degree assault for attacking a cab driver in Aspen, Colorado. Why? Apparently he was pissed because the cabbie wouldn't take him somewhere to buy cigarettes. So, said the cabbie, McDonald popped him in the face, breaking at least one bone. (What, that's a crime?) When McDonald was charged, bail was set at $5,000. He posted it, and left.

Fast forward to January 15th. Per The Aspen Times:

McDonald, who rode a Greyhound bus from New York to Aspen for his court hearing, told District Judge James Boyd that he was broke and needed the $5,000 bond money he put up to get out of jail. Boyd checked repeatedly with McDonald to make sure the suspect knew he was going to be taken into custody.

“I’ve never seen it because most people don’t want to go to jail,” Deputy District Attorney Gail Nichols said. “But obviously he doesn’t mind. Essentially he’s revoking his own bond, and hey, why not? Now he has a place to live.”

Here's a wacky story from Patna, India:

Villagers at a wedding in eastern India decided the groom had arrived too drunk to get married, and so the bride married the groom’s more sober brother instead, police said.

“The groom was drunk and had reportedly misbehaved with guests when the bride’s family and local villagers chased him away,” Madho Singh, a senior police officer, told Reuters.

The younger brother readily agreed to take the groom’s place beside the teenage bride at her family’s invitation, witnesses said.

“The groom apologized for his behavior, but has been crying that word will spread and he will never get a bride again,” Singh said by phone.

If you're David Binner of Doylestown, PA, the answer is:

Go Fuck Yourself.

Williams said there was a similar case elsewhere in Pennsylvania where a judge ruled that use of the F-word does not amount to disorderly conduct.

“The F-word isn’t what it used to be,” he said. “It doesn’t have a sexual connotation anymore.”

Williams explained: The word has to have a sexual connotation to be considered obscene, and it needs to be obscene to be considered disorderly conduct.

It is possible, as demonstrated by a pair of Norwegian vandals. As reported in the Fayetteville Observer:

[The vandals]overlooked a small but crucial detail when they started smashing up a train station elevator: They were inside it.

And the elevator at the Lillestroem Train Station, north of Oslo, appeared to be the vengeful sort, sealing its doors and holding the two for the police.

“Vandalism is always sad, but a lot of people do see the humor in this,” said Ellen Svendsvoll, of the National Rail Administration. “They got what was coming to them.”

The two vandals, identified only as men in their early 20s, went into the elevator late on April 21, waited for the doors to close, and started to kick them, she said. They kicked so hard that the doors jammed, and the elevator stopped, sending an alarm to security guards. The guards tried to lower the elevator, which only jammed the doors more, so they called the police and fire department.

The firemen freed the two suspects, while the police waited outside.

Here are some choice 2007 legal-related highlights from an article in the Arkansas Times:

Worst citation: A Little Rock bicycle rider was cited in May for shouting “Turn on your lights!” as two police cruisers sped past him on Seventh Street near the state Capitol. One of the policemen stopped and wrote the cyclist a ticket for expressing “dislike” of how the police were doing their jobs. Dismissed, of course. Is there such a thing as a ticket that an officer can give himself for being a prick?

Worst nap: Police arrested a Camden motorist in May and charged him with DWI when he fell asleep at the wheel after placing a to-go order in the drive-through lane at McDonald's.

Worst class to attend if you're a raccoon: An agri/shop teacher killed a live, caged raccoon with a nail gun in November at the start of a Huntsville High School class on wildlife skinning. School authorities saw no need for a reprimand or anything, and in fact with all the attention the coon-killer teacher became something of a folk hero at Huntsville, one admirer showing support by killing and skinning a dog and hanging the carcass on the gatepost of another Huntsville teacher who was thought to have reported the original coon-killing to the Humane Society.

Worst geezery: A state appeals court in March upheld a lower court's ruling that an 85-year-old Hot Springs psychologist should pay about $1,000 a month in alimony to his estranged wife, a psychiatrist, age 52. The court said the man squandered the couple's marital assets (earned mostly by the wife), using the money to buy cars and expensive lingerie for young Chinese women and to give them large sums of cash, instead of using it to pay bills. Last straw was said to be a box with a snake inside that turned up on the wife's driveway, with a note inside saying, “Die, Bitch.” From guess who.

Worst packing: David Huckabee, son of the erstwhile governor, was arrested in April when Little Rock National Airport authorities found a loaded pistol in his luggage as he attempted to board a plane. He said he forgot it was in there.

Worst trunk surprise: Police found a missing car and returned it to its owner, a North Little Rock woman, in February, without bothering to check out the smell coming from the trunk, which the woman found to contain the body of her slain husband, who had also been reported missing.

Best news for sadists: In opposing a legislative measure in March to prevent the torture of household pets and horses, the outdoor editor of the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette warned homeowners that if the bill passed they could be arrested if their pussycat hassled birds at a yard feeder. Such nonsense, fanned by the Farm Bureau, frightened legislators into voting to let the sicko torturers, abusers, and starvers of Arkansas animals proceed with their fun.

Best hole: A sheriff's deputy lunched at the International House of Pancakes at Benton in March, then went into the men's room and blew a hole in the ceiling with his service revolver, then exited to explain to customers and employees that the bang they'd heard wasn't a gunshot but rather the sound of a commode lid falling. Then he made a rather hasty departure. The Benton Courier ran a big picture of the hole.

You can read the entire Arkansas Times article (long, and with some entertaining entries) here.

All of these laws are on the books. Click on the statute and see for yourself.

No tattoos? Yup, no tattoos!

It shall be unlawful for any person to tattoo or offer to tattoo any person. As used herein to "tattoo" means to insert pigment under the surface of the skin of a human being, by pricking with a needle or otherwise, so as to produce a permanent indelible mark or figure visible on the skin. Provided, however, that the provisions hereof shall not apply to any act of a licensed practitioner of the healing arts performed in the course of his practice. §21-841

Profane swearing consists in any use of the name of God, or Jesus Christ, or the Holy Ghost, either in imprecating divine vengeance upon the utterer, or any other person, or in light, trifling or irreverent speech. §21-904

Every person guilty of profane swearing is punishable by a fine of One Dollar ($1.00) for each offense. §21-905

... nothing contained in this Act shall prohibit any parent, teacher or other person from using ordinary force as a means of discipline, including but not limited to spanking, switching or paddling. §21-844

Again with the duels!

Any person guilty of fighting any duel, although no death or wound ensues, shall be guilty of a felony punishable by imprisonment in the State Penitentiary not exceeding ten (10) years. §21-662

Whoever maliciously procures any process in a civil action to be served on Saturday upon any person who keeps Saturday as holy time, and does not labor on that day, or serves upon him any process returnable on that day, or maliciously procures any civil action to which such person is a party to be adjourned to that day for trial, is guilty of a misdemeanor. §21-912

Barbers Anderson and Banks are opening up a barbershop. While the space was being remodeled, an old, ornate sign was uncovered. As reported in The Argus, the sign reads "J. Barker", "dispensing chemist" and "practical phrenologist," and is carved in ornate gold leaf writing. Since the sign has historical significance,

They were then told by planning officers from the city council they must keep the old sign as it is protected by conservation laws - even though it advertised the wrong kind of business.

Last week the barbers received a letter from the Royal Pharmaceutical Society of Great Britain saying it was illegal to advertise themselves as a "dispensing chemists" when they weren't. The letter said it would take further action unless the sign, which contravened the Medicines Act 1968, was taken down.

The council has made us break the law. It feels like we are in a nowin situation and it is all a bit bizarre. We never wanted the sign in the first place but were told we had no choice. Now we are being told we have to take it down and pay for another one. We are told we have to preserve the cultural heritage of the area but all the other shops in the area have the signs they want above the door.

Petaluma, California (and its residents) contributed generously to the wacky and weird happenings this year. As reported in The Argus Courier, here are a few:

In June, a Petaluma man apparently didn’t get the memo about what you can and can’t take in your carry-on luggage — he was stopped at a Salt Lake City airport security checkpoint for having a lighter in his bag. Of course, that prompted security to inspect further, finding a glass pipe they thought was used for smoking crack cocaine (the man politely corrected them that no, it was actually a meth pipe). But that’s not all — investigators pulled his checked luggage out and found sex toys and 46 DVDs of sexual videos, many containing child pornography.

Back in Petaluma that same month, a teen boy made a serious bid for “dumb criminal of the year” when he grabbed an iPod off the belt of a woman holding a baby at 24-Hour Fitness in the Great Petaluma Mill.
The victim — baby in arms — gave chase, but the teen jumped a fence and got away. However, since he had to sign in to get inside the members-only gym, the victim ID’d the perp’s membership photo, and police caught up with him at his home.

This fall, two men parked outside the Ross store at Petaluma Plaza learned that if you’re going to shoplift 100 items of clothing during repeated trips inside a store, it’s not a good idea to draw attention to yourself by changing clothes next to your vehicle in the parking lot.

[In July] another man decided to take advantage of the warm summer sun and strolled leisurely along the railroad tracks near Southpoint Boulevard. Were it not for the fact that he wasn’t wearing any clothes and had reportedly masturbated in front of a woman and her children, police might have let him enjoy the rest of his walk

Posted by John Mesirow | Permalink | Email This Post

Posted In: Wacky

I don't think so. Not like Mr. Sandy Wong, of Edmonton. As reported in the Edmonton Sun, here are a few details of his relationship with a BMW:

Wong was busted for masturbating while sitting on the roof of a 2007 BMW 328i sedan on display at the Home and Garden Show at the Northlands AgriCom.

According to psychiatrist Dr. Curtis Woods, Wong says he is "sexually attracted" to the BMW's rooftop because "it's curved like a woman's body, the sex appeal, it felt good." Court heard Wong also gets aroused by certain classic cars, motorcycles and women with big feet.

Would I make this stuff up? (It would save a lot of time.) But no, it's true. A summons was issued by an Italian court for Signor Topolino (Mickey Mouse) and Signor Paperino (Donald Duck), who "are kindly instructed to appear before the Naples Tribunal on December 7." How could this happen?

In what the newspaper [Corriere della Sera] describes as a "bizarre" bureaucratic blunder, the Disney cartoon characters have been named as witnesses in the trial of a Chinese man accused of peddling counterfeit toys and decals bearing the images of the pair.

Corriere dell Sera, Italy's most respected newspaper, denounced the error as emblematic of Italy's justice system where delays - which it says are caused by lack of proper staffing and other resources - often result in cases being dismissed on technicalities.

Here are some highlights (from Barrie Segal’s book "The Parking Ticket Awards"):

Disabled driver Peter Stapleton was given a fine after stopping to re-attach his artificial leg which had fallen off while driving. After he refused to pay the fine the ticket’s cost spiralled to £465.

Truck driver Michael Collins was given a parking ticket after a burst water main had caused the road to collapse, leaving his 17-tonne truck stranded.

Nicky Clegg was driving with her 82-year-old mother and 11-year-son when a tree fell and crushed the front of the car. They all escaped without serious injury but when Ms Clegg returned to the mangled wreck the following day she found she had been issued with a parking ticket.

Robert McFarland’s horse was given a parking ticket under the heading, “Vehicle Description: Brown Horse”.

In July 2005, Dennis Williams was convicted at Carmarthen Magistrates’ Court for littering after throwing his parking ticket on the floor just as a street warden was walking past on litter patrol. The warden then promptly booked him for littering.

A Brooklyn priest was given a ticket after rushing to park outside a hospital to administer the last rites to a dying woman.

Similarly, David Holmes got a parking ticket outside a hospital when he drove himself there after having a heart attack.

A warden gave a ticket to the Dundee Utd disabled fans’ coach for parking outside the ground.

A young mother was given a ticket after pulling over because her three-year-old son was choking. Instead of helping her, a passing traffic warden just gave her a ticket. [Cold!]

Last year a parking attendant at a hotel car park was found to be charging people using the car park for the Snowdon Mountain Railway £4 if they spoke in English but only £2 if they spoke Welsh.

Funeral directors McKenzie and Millar were amazed to find their hearse given a £60 parking ticket by Edinburgh City Council as they waited to load a coffin into their vehicle.

A motorist who received a ticket in an NCP car park, despite returning to her car an hour early, was told the attendant had fined her because he had “reasonable cause to think she would stay longer than the four hours for which she had paid”.

Lawyer (and doctor) Lawrence Dry took on a medical malpractice case. This was a case that he had reviewed and rejected just a month before. Only this time, not recognizing it as that case, he agreed to take it on. Big, big mistake. Here's where it gets a little crazy. When a lawyer blows a sure winner, he gets sued for malpractice (rare). Or, when a lawyer brings a clearly frivolous case (which is also very rare, despite the propaganda to the contrary), the lawyer has to pay the other side's costs - if a court so rules.

Now try and imagine a situation where the lawyer gets nailed for losing a clear winner, and for bringing a frivolous case. Yeah, makes your brain hurt, but it happened to Mr. Dry. Seems he filed suit without having an expert to back up his theory (WHICH WAS THE WRONG THEORY, INVOLVING THE WRONG DOCTOR). He later dismissed the case voluntarily. This didn't sit well with his client. Nor did it sit well with the doctor, who had been defending himself for 2 years. So they both sued Dry and ... won! How? Dry apparently had a solid case for the blindness he suffered due to the surgery - but against a different doctor (the anesthesiologist, not the surgeon Dry sued). And the surgeon who was sued had a case against Dry because Dry never produced an expert supporting his theory that the surgeon was responsible for the client's blindness. The surgeon recovered $80,000 from Dry, while the former client recovered $750,000 from him.

Apparently so, according to witnesses and cell phone videos from a Fishkill, New York concert. As reported by MTV news:

During the show, which took place on June 3 and was caught on fans' cell phone cameras, Akon allegedly threw a 15-year-old fan into the crowd. According to the Journal, a small object sailed by Akon's shoulder as he was about to start performing a song onstage, which prompted him to say, "Oh, wait a minute. What was that?" He then urged the crowd to "point him out, point him out. Who is he?"

Audience members identified the alleged culprit, after which a security guard asked Akon if he wanted the boy brought onstage. Akon responded, "So go get him. Bring him out to me."

As the fan was brought to the stage, Akon removed his shirt and chain and then grabbed the boy, tossed him over his shoulder and threw him into the crowd, saying, "Now we can start the show, y'all ready." A moment later, Akon looked down at the crowd and said, "He's OK, he's all right," then shortly later chastised the audience for a perceived lack of support. "See, now you got me feeling by myself," he said in the cell phone video footage. "I thought I had fans and support." According to TMZ.com, after the child was thrown, he fell on another teen who later said she had been diagnosed with a concussion.

This is truly a bizarre crime. There's a very popular game (6 million people play it each month) called Habbo. Per the BBC:

Habbo users can create their own characters, decorate their own rooms and play a number of games, paying with Habbo Credits, which they have to buy with real cash.

If you think that's wacky, check out this story (from the same BBC article):

Virtual theft is a growing issue in virtual worlds; in 2005 a Chinese gamer was stabbed to death in a row over a sword in a game.

Shanghai gamer Qiu Chengwei killed player Zhu Caoyuan when he discovered he had sold a "dragon sabre" he had been loaned.

Scottish Gran Elsie Melville just wants to see her four grandchildren. Daughter Donna Melville said that gran is "domineering and interfering" (she called the SSPCA on her own daughter!) and gives the kids too much candy. (As reported in The Herald: "Mrs Melville was accused of taking two carrier bags of sweets to the children. The two oldest children had suffered dental problems and had had teeth removed.") So Donna cut her mom off. Gran filed a civil action, in which she is legally referred to as "the pursuer."

What did the Perth Sheriff Court decide?

The dental health of the children is undoubtedly important, but I regard it as significant that the pursuer has given an undertaking not to give them sweets during contact.

The children would benefit from contact with the pursuer, especially emotionally. However, such contact should not involve an over-indulgence in the provision of confectionery, nor disparaging or interfering remarks by the pursuer.

I don't know why she was going on so much about sweets - that's what grans are for.

I want the kids to see that I love them. I'm going to make them sandwiches and yoghurt when they come round.

Tru dat. Read about it here.

Irish dockworker Denis McKenna must really love his sister. He was always making the ultimate sacrifice of missing work to take her to the doctor. Only one problem - he was seen wearing a "golf jumper" when he was supposed to be taking his sister to the doctor. So a private investigator was hired. A few months later, McKenna told his supervisor he had to take his sister to the doctor. The next morning, another boss was waiting outside McKenna's home when he saw him ... put his golf clubs in the trunk and take off.

This fellow followed McKenna to the club, approached him on the second tee, and told hm to enjoy his game. Now, having been caught, McKenna must have gone back to work, right? Nope. His car was still in the club's parking lot at 3:00! So the next day, he was fired. (This wasn't the first time McKenna missed work to "look after his sister," and his boss and co-workers were tired of it.)

So McKenna was canned the next day. And he fought it. And he ... won! Why? Because he said his sister had indeed been set to go to the doctor's, but changed her mind! [Okay, so he couldn't have gone to work in the morning, once his sister "changed her mind?"] And the tribunal said the company failed to provide McKenna with an appeal against his dismissal. For his troubles, McKenna was awarded €1,000 ($2,100 US)!

...deal crack! A 79-year-old New York man was arrested and charged with possessing and selling crack cocaine out of his apartment. As reported at WNYT.com, Charles Ritchie "is part of a mid-level drug ring with clients spanning Southern Albany and Greene Counties. The operation has been going on, report police, for at least two years." What does Ritchie say? "I don't deal." What do the neighbors say? "He's such a nice, quiet man ..." No, not this time. Said neighbor Stephen Pelletier:

People coming in and out at like 2:00, 3:00 o'clock in the morning. I get up and go to work at 4:00 in the morning. There was people in and out all the time at that time.

... to atone for stoning 2 dogs to death, then hanging them! Read more here.

So the government spent £650 ($1,365 US) on fingerprint analysis just to show that a 16-year-old had handled a stolen Cornetto ice cream. Yes, that's "handled," not "stolen." What's the punishment for handling stolen ice cream? A conditional discharge (meaning the Cornetto Kid just has to stay out of "trouble" for a little while.) Wow. That was worthwhile.

And what about the 15-year-old who was prosecuted for writing his name on a community center wall with a Twix bar? After he was arrested, processed, interviewed, and hired a lawyer, the case was dismissed after the court was told that it was indeed a chocolate bar the boy used, not a pen. "A Twix bar you say? They're delicious. Case dismissed." [Okay, it didn't go exactly like that, but the case was dismissed.] You can read more (not much) here.

In England, in Paul Kavanagh's case, 15,000! He's been at it since 1995. On one day in February of this year, he made 65 calls! After all these years, how did they catch a guy who used unregistered cell phones? He gave the police a huge clue when he told one of his victims that he "liked the way [her] hair is today." And, as reported in the Sunday Metro, he often called a gym that he had a clear view of from his home. Why did he get 2 1/2 years? Said the Judge:

It seems to me to simply have been the case that the defendant was taking drink and cocaine and making these calls for the purposes of sexual gratification and I must say to my mind for the purposes of cruelty.

Holy Shit! No, actually, the name of the Canadian band is "Holy Fuck." The band, featured on this month's cover of the magazine "Exclaim," was told by the venue Coachella that their gig was canceled because of their name.

Funny thing though. Holy Fuck played there before! And remember, Canada has much more relaxed laws and attitudes about "bad words" than the U.S. The Toronto band Fucked Up performed live on MTV Canada, although they were introduced as "Effed Up." According to the MTV Live producer, you can't even say "effed" on MTV in the U.S. Some other groups making the rounds: Total Fucking Destruction (their CD is available in Wal-Mart, really), Fucked Up, Fuck the Facts, Fuck, and Fucking Wrath.

In response to an Associated Press poll which found that 67 percent of the respondents were bothered "a lot" by hearing swear words, Fucking Wrath drummer John Cerar replied:

“Who cares? We’re a metal band. If someone has a problem with it, fuck it.”

In Florida, a minor can't be prosecuted for having sex with another minor. So if you are the 16-year-old girl and the 17-year-old boy who engaged in "sexual behavior" (it's not described beyond that), you won't get in trouble, right? Wrong! And you won't believe what they got busted for.

It all started when they took digital photographs of themselves engaging in "sexual behavior." They then sent the photographs from the girl's computer to the boy's e-mail account. They didn't show the photographs to anyone. Still wondering why they got busted? For violating Florida's child pornography law! And they are the "children!" Per Cnet news.com:

Each was charged with producing, directing or promoting a photograph featuring the sexual conduct of a child. Based on the contents of his e-mail account, the boy was charged with an extra count of possession of child pornography.

"Why me?" the 64-year New York homeowner had to be thinking after burglar Luis Hidalgo broke into his home and bit his ear off! So badly that it couldn't be reattached! And Hidalgo punched and kicked the homeowner, and whacked him in the head with a karaoke machine. Okay, so why this house? Mr. policeman?

"This guy just randomly picked this house," said Sgt. Anthony Repalone, a police spokesman. "There were no proceeds and there's no connection between the victim and the subject. Obviously, his behavior was such that there may have been some drug involvement."

This is eerily similar to a recent Juice post, though with a much less compelling rationale, and no bags of poop. How would you like to return to your home on a Sunday morning and find some dude passed out on your couch? In his underwear? Having raided your refrigerator? A couple in Pierson, Florida was not too pleased. So they woke the dude up, and he went right back to sleep! When a cop came - he still couldn't get the dude up! Two more cops came and took him to jail, where he is being held on $5,000 bail.

If you want your horse to race in North America, the name must be approved by the Jockey Club. Andy Hillis wanted to name his horse "Nutzapper" after hearing it used in a joke on the Tonight Show. So Hillis told the Jockey Club (as reported in Slate) that he wanted the name because (prepare to dab away the tears) "as a young boy in Canada, he loved to zap walnuts in boiling oil and sprinkle them on salads." With this explanation, the name was approved. Then Hillis just had to crow to a reporter that he'd never been to Canada, and had made up the whole story.

The racing gods were not amused. They zapped the name almost immediately. Hillis sued and he ... lost! Just like the Jockey Club knew he would, because they had recently won a similar suit. ("Nutzapper" is now known as "Awaiting Justice." Lame.) So what are the Jockey Club's naming rules?

No horse can have a name longer than 18 characters, a name that breaches a copyright or has obvious commercial significance, or the name of a "notorious" person. Emphatically forbidden are "names that are suggestive or have a vulgar or obscene meaning; names considered in poor taste; or names that may be offensive to religious, political or ethnic groups."

Nut Buster (1942)
Pussy Galore (1965),
Blow Me (1945)
Get It On (both 1971 and 1986)
On Your Knees (1977 and 2005)
Spank It (1985)
Go Down (1963)
Jail Bait (1947 and 1983)
Barely Legal (1982 and 1989)
Date More Minors (1998)
Cunning Stunt (1969)
Lagnaf (1978) ["let's all get naked and ...]
Golden Shower (1955)
Cherry Pop (1961 and 1978)
Cum Rocket (1969)
Ménage Á Trois (1974)
She's Easy (1978)
Adultress (1979)
Strip Teaser (1980)
Rhythm Method (1982)
Bodacious Tatas (1985)
Tit'n Your Girdle (1988)
Kinky Lingerie (1991)
Hard Like a Rock (1995)
Sexual Harassment (1997)
X Rated Fantasy (1999)

The above comes from a great article in Slate by T.D. Thornton that you can find here.

Oh no you didn't K-Mart. You didn't just charge Mary Bach tax on that toilet paper. Everybody knows that, unlike other paper goods, toilet paper is not taxed in Pennsylvania. No, Ms. Bach is not making a federal case out it - just a teeny, tiny $100 state court case. Now maybe you think a lawsuit over 14 cents is trivial. Perhaps you didn't know that Ms. Bach went back to the store just to see if they corrected the problem. They didn't. So she's owed 28 cents.

Why sue for $100? Because that's the amount allowed under Pennsylvania's Unfair Trade Practices and Consumer Protection Law. And if you think I'm ridiculing Ms. Bach, you're wrong. I salute her. If nobody watches these little things, companies will get away with them. And if you multiply the little things by the number of purchases, they're not little things any more. To read about this and other dragons Ms. Bach has slayed in the past (and there have been a few) click here.

Maybe you wouldn't be so impressed if I told you that Elizabeth Okazaki pretended to be a student for 4 months at UCLA, even obtaining a BruinCard that allowed her to use the recreational facilities (where she stored some of her stuff!) and the libraries. She just got busted, and booted. But her prior stint?

She posed as a physics graduate student at Stanford University for four years! Apparently Stanford is a real destination for fake students. They recently discovered that a woman who lived in a dorm and attended classes for a year was a fake student! Crazy. You can read more, mostly about the UCLA story, here.

Ethel Schaper, age 87, loved to read. Up until she died a couple weeks ago from a stroke, she read about 2 books every week. When Camilla Trinchieri was going through her mom's things, she found a book her mom had checked out of the library. So Ms. Trinchieri took the book back to the library, and the librarian said that she owed 50 cents! Said Ms. Trinchieri:

I told him that maybe he didn't hear me right, that my mother had just died, otherwise I'm sure that she would have returned it on time.His only reply was that, 'That will be 50 cents.'

Surely, upon learning about this, the powers that be would apologize? Nope. The response from the Harrison Public Libary: incident confirmed, no further comment. Before you foreswear ever going to the Harrison Public Library again, know that there is at least one beating heart there. A few days after the incident, an employee of the library called Ms. Trinchieri to apologize, and offered to return the 50 cents.

How the hell was this done? Somebody just waltzed into Victoria's Secret in Flagstaff, Arizona and stole 350 bras! Mind you, the store was open. And for some reason, the anti-theft tags did not trigger the alarm. The haul has a retail value of about $15,000. For more on this (not much), click here.

(No, that's not the shirt!) Ilinois high school senior David Clark will have to think twice, though he's worn the shirt before, without incident. But not this time. So what did it say? "I [heart] My Wiener" with a picture of a dachsund under it. See, David's dachsund was hit by a car and killed a few months back. The shirt is David's way of honoring his dog.

Unfortunately, Principal Wes Choate didn't see it that way. He gave David 3 choices: change shirts, turn it inside out, or leave. When faced with these stupid choices, David made the best one: he left - even though it meant getting a zero in each class. David Sr. makes a good point about the arbitrary dress code, which prohibits

students from wearing any clothing that is disrupting to the educational process, interferes with the maintenance of a positive teaching and learning climate or compromises reasonable standards of health, safety and decency.

They make the rules up as they go. It depends on what mood they are in that day. If you can't wear that [his son's] shirt, you shouldn't be able to wear one that says 'Coke.'"

No doubt the taser is effective in protecting police officers. It's equally clear that it is way overused - when there is NO imminent threat to police officers. And I'm not just talking about this dude at the Kerry speech. Just go on YouTube and search "taser."

Back to the latest victim - Shawn Manrose of Omaha, Nebraska. He came home drunk one night, without his keys. A neighbor saw him trying to get into the front door of his home, and called the police. Shawn says he told them it was his house, and that he wasn't a burglar. He admits that he used profanity and would not take his hands out of his pockets. But does that mean he should have been juiced? Well he was, and then he was busted for obstruction of justice and resisting arrest. The verdict? Guilty! The sentence? Seven days in jail. Shawn is out on bail pending appeal.

This statement by prosecutor Marty Conboy highlights the misuse of tasers: "Unfortunately this young man, at his own house, if you look at it objectively, could have avoided a lot of this problem by complying with some simple requests of the officers." Yes master. Whatever you say master. Here's the question, Marty: Was the kid a threat to the officers? It sure doesn't seem like it. It seems more like they were pissed off because he wouldn't follow their orders, and because he cussed at them. So they tased him. It's a bad road we're going down. You can read more here.

What mission? Apparently to become an irritant to everyone in town. He's having some success, too. George Gerhold was a policeman in North Jersey for 25 years. Perhaps he shouldn't have retired. Here's what he's been up to since then, per NewJersey.com:

Police Chief William Smith confirmed that Gerhold has driven down his cul-de-sac when children are playing in an effort to chase them away. Smith said it's technically illegal for kids to play on the street and Gerhold seems determined to enforce the letter of the law. But deliberately driving a car on the street when children are there? "He waits until the kids are in the street" the chief lamented.

In July 2007, he signed nearly 40 citizen complaints for what he claimed were parking violations on his dead-end street by visitors to a townwide garage sale. When some of the alleged violators showed up in court Tuesday to fight these complaints and the $54 fine, Gerhold wasn't there. And instead of dismissing the complaints, the judge postponed the hearing!

In another case, Chief Smith said, Gerhold charged a landscaper with criminal trespassing after branches the landscaper cut on a neighbor's tree fell into Gerhold's yard. The landscaper picked up the branches, but Gerhold filed his complaint anyway – and won the case. "I couldn't believe it," the chief said.

"Give me your phone and your keys," said the mugger, or something like that. Then, he took her shoes off, and LICKED HER TOES! Shazam!

Other than the slobber on her toes, and most likely being totally freaked out, the woman was unharmed. The mugger/toe licker was busted a few blocks away. You can read more (very little) here.

Cab Driver Tewfik Boukhelal jumped out of his cab - while it was moving! This was not okay with his two passengers, especially the one who was knocked unconscious as she too jumped out of the moving cab. Why did he do this? Because Mr. Boukhelal thought the passengers (1) had released a substance, and (2) were going to steal from him. Say what? I'm having a really hard time reconciling these thoughts. Headache coming. (See below.)

The Judge hearing the case remarked that it was "the most bizarre case of dangerous driving" he'd ever seen. The penalty? No more driving for Mr. Boukhelal, at least for the next 18 months. He was also put on probation for 12 months, given 160 hours of community service, and must retake the driving test. No worries, though. He found a new job as a translator. You will find the rest of the story here.

If you are Matthew Dietrich of Berks County, Pennsylvania, you are PISSED! You just paid Christopher Katz $500 for a pound of marijuana. But when you open the bag - BROCCOLI! So what do you do? Kick his ass? Just leave? Not Mr. Dietrich. He was going to get the last laugh. Or was he? (Cue the creepy, mysterious laugh.) Young Mr. Dietrich called 911, joining the brotherhood of really stupid criminals. He told the police that he was beaten up and robbed by Mr. Katz, who then joined the brotherhood too, telling the police about the failed drug deal. Said Lansdale police Sgt. Robert McDyre:

It is bizarre, isn't it? 'You'd think [Dietrich would] just say, 'I can't believe I'm that stupid' and leave.

Only in New York? No, Juice readers know that weird things happen pretty much everywhere (see the 200+ archived Legal Juice posts). Back to New York. A robber (with a knife) in Westchester robbed an 18-year-old - but not of the $10 the young man had. Said Captain Joseph DeCarlo:

He tells the kid to go into the pizza parlor and get change. Then the kid comes out, he takes his $4 and he leaves.

From the Santa Clara Police Department "Police Blotter"

The suspect parked his own vehicle at a car wash. He made contact with the manager and handed him his business card. The suspect got into a freshly cleaned customer's car that was coming out of the other end of the wash. He fled in the victim [sic] vehicle. A few hours later, S.J.P.D. located the car and the suspect. The suspect was arrested and booked into County Jail. His bizarre actions appear to be methamphetamine related.

Have you ever been hit by a sausage? No? Then maybe you shouldn't be so quick to judge authorities in Manchester, England who are prosecuting a 12-year-old boy for throwing a cocktail sausage at a neighbor. And it hit him on the shoulder! And this crazy judge said he couldn't believe such a case had been brought before him! What the hell is wrong with those English judges? Clearly this boy must be stopped. To read more (though not much more on this story) click here.

Okay, so she didn't exactly marry the monkey (though she's paying $1,300/month to support him.) Rockville, Maryland resident Elyse Gazewitz was on trial yesterday for illegally having a monkey as a pet. Since the animal was taken from her in May, she has had to pay boarding fees of $1,300/month to the Catoctin Wildlife Preserve in Thurmont, Maryland. Don't worry, though, the judge granted her visitation rights. You can read more here.

So the parent of a 5-year-old kid had an argument with another parent - on the playground, of course. As a result, Mr. Joseph Moldrich, one of the parents, hatched a scheme to get the kid of the other parent kicked out of school. He would make threatening phone calls to the teacher, pretending to be the other parent! Pure genius, no? No. Here are a few of the messages Moldrich allegedly left (he said he's going to plead guilty):

You fuck off Oakleigh South.

. . . We know where you live.

. . . Kill, kill, kill.

You fucking, you no leave and me kill you.

Maybe Wayne Simpson should have just called the customer who he said gave him her cell phone number. Said Wayne:

I honestly thought she fancied me. I certainly fancied her. She was gorgeous. She pulled up a chair very close to me and sat there staring into my eyes and fluttering her lashes.

Apparently not. She called the cops, who did not charge Wayne. Then she called his job, and they canned him. Unfortunately for Wayne, he can't file an unemployment claim because he was with the company less than a year. He is going to sue them, though, for his lost earnings. If you want to read more, click here.

Actually, the Royal Mail said the week David Portman took off to mourn his dog's death was just the last straw. In his 5 years as a mailman, Portman missed 137 days. Claiming that his absences were either work-related or genuine injuries not of his doing, and that he shouldn't have been fired for mourning the loss of his dog, Portman filed a claim for unfair dismissal. (The injuries/illnesses included a broken foot, sprained ankle, whiplash, and asthma.)

Who do you think won? Wrong! (or "Right!"). Portman won - a sum in excess of £10,000 (over $20,000 US). Said the Sheffield tribunal:

The vast majoirty of the claimant's absence days were occasioned through injuries sustained in accidents at work' which should have been discounted by the Royal Mail... None of the claimant's absences were for other than wholly legitimate and genuine reasons.

There's no doubt that Grosse Point, Michigan high school choir director Ellen Bowen (yes, that's her picture) is very accomplished. In her 20+ years at the school, her students have won three national championships and many state awards. They have also performed with the Detroit Symphony Orchestra. Then what's the problem? Man, does this lady have a temper! Never mind that she was just convicted of assault for chasing a former student, in her car, and then bumping the former student's car. (She got community service and anger management counseling!) Here are some of the incidents that were either confirmed by the school, or that were in her school records:

She suggested at a rehearsal that she would "bring in a shotgun to take out" misbehavers.

She threw a stapler at students.

She was suspended at least three times for swearing at students.

She was reprimanded at least three times for swearing at students.

She suggested to a class that a sick student was pregnant.

Remember Chuck Barris from The Gong Show? What he wouldn't give to be able to gong his Trump Plaza neighbor Dorothea Wietzner out of the building. According to Mr. Barris, here are some highlights:

Said Dorothea to Chuck: "What you need is your head cracked open. I'll get you, just you wait ... I'll get you, you cockroach. You faggot. Your wife's mother's a slut."

Per Chuck: "The first thing she ever said to me was this: 'You better shut your door quietly or I'll sue you... Her screaming has changed from just cursing and shouting to yelling vile obscenities and death threats.

She berated Chuck for marrying a non-Jew.

When asked if she threatened to slice off part of Chuck's body, she answered: "I might have said that. You know, I'm honest, because I was in a state of paroxysms of hatred for this man who had copied ideas of mine from my telephone conversations. He used my doctor when I had herpes.

What now? The board has to start all over again! This time, though, if successful, Dorothea could be out by early 2009 - though I wouldn't count on it! (You can read more here.)

Spirit Airlines pilot Wayne Giles, age 46, was not exactly an ideal neighbor. Here's a sampling of what he did to his neighbors over a six-year period:

throwing shit [really], old fruit, and eggs at an elderly couple's home;

sending anonymous letters, for more than 5 years, graphically detailing sex acts.

So what's the possible penalty? A felony conviction (which would result in the loss of his pilot's license) and 0-17 months in jail. (He could face 5 years if the Judge finds cause to exceed the sentencing guidelines.) Said prosecutor Lisa Gorcyca:

There were multiple credible threats to both families. He scared them for years, but the maximum is only five years. It doesn't seem fair, that for 6 years he terrorized his neighbors, but the maximum penalty by law is five years.

So the Largo, Florida police respond to a call about a problem at a bar, and they find Dana Shelton. But there's no problem, and they tell Shelton to move along. Unless you are completely plastered, you realize this is a good thing. Not Shelton. He called 911 - the Largo police - to report that he was "surrounded by Largo police." A definite head-scratcher. Said Largo Sgt. Melanie Holley:

Our officers were standing there scratching their heads. He called, standing there in their presence. It's one of our 'truth is stranger than fiction' cases.

The Juice thanks Cindy Hill for submitting this story.

If you go into the right bathroom in Japan, you will find an envelope with a note and a 10,000 yen ($81 US) note. So far, the "mystery lavatory man" has left such a gift in 425 bathrooms throughout government offices across Japan. The reason is unknown, although the notes provide a clue:

Enclosed is a gift of ¥10,000. Please use this for your ascetic training and devote yourself to good deeds, keeping a pure heart and not holding evil thoughts in your precious human heart.

Kathryn Smith, 49, of Connecticut, had been dating Stephen Schnell for about 4 years. Schnell knew Smith and her 20-year-old son Nicholas Taylor were not doing too well, so he often gave her cash, took the two of them out to dinner, and bought Smith cigarettes. How did Smith and her son repay him? By hiring a hit man to kill him!

The crazy thing (aside from the fact that the up-front payment to the hit man was $50!) is that Smith somehow thought she would get $100,000 from Schnell's retirement plan - which he didn't even have! Fortunately, the would-be hit man, an old flame of Smith's, went straight to the police. Smith pled guilty to conspiracy to commit murder. Her son entered an Alford plea (a weasel's way of pleading guilty).

How does Schnell feel about his former girlfriend? "I'm pushing for the 12 [years - the maximum sentence]; she deserves it. For everything I did for her and for her to do that to me, she deserves every day. Sentencing will take place in August.

To read more, click here.

So this Israeli guy is convicted of attempted murder and, incredibly, is put on house arrest until his sentencing hearing. Don't worry, though, because he had to wear an electronic ankle monitor, until, that is, he took it off and put it on his dog's neck! Yup. When the police came to get Nabil Farumi to take him to his sentencing hearing, only Spot Farumi was there (sporting the latest in canine neckware). Nabil was nowhere to be found.

Props to Cindy Hill for sending this article to the Juice.

Guantanamo has nothing on Send Prison in Surrey, England. Maybe these prisoners have legal rights. Maybe they were actually charged with crimes (and convicted too!). And maybe people actually know they are behind bars, but, brace yourself, this prison bans sex toys! One female prisoner, who desperately wants her Rampant Rabbit vibrator (she claims she's a "sex addict"), refuses to accept the status quo. She claims the policy discriminates against heterosexuals. Here's what she said in a letter to the prison governor:

Homosexual acts of every kind are carried out blatantly yet are disregarded by officers. It is openly condoned. If the Prison Service has a duty of care, how come any request for sex-related essentials such as a harmless dildo for stimulation has been termed ridiculous?

A mom in Lincoln, Nebraska went a bit too far. She drove her 12-year-old and 6 other kids (3 who are 12,and 3 who are 13) to a 7th grade English teacher's house, which they proceeded to TRASH as follows:

Using toilet paper, syrup, adhesive tape, dishwashing soap and eggs, they vandalized her house, yard, trees and driveway.

Why was Martin Rodrigues, age 37, held in jail? Because he asked a young girl to walk on his jacket and leave her footprints on it. The alleged crime? Inciting a child to engage in sexual activity. The problem? The Judge said what Rodrigues had done was not "sexual activity" under the Sexual Offences Act (doh!), so he tossed the case.

However, pursuant to a prior court order, Rodrigues may not take pictures of girls feet. Seems he was pestering children while attempting to photograph their feet in a local park. Perhaps some counseling might be in order? You can read more here.

/>Not by a long shot. First of all, Raymundo Flores was charging $5 and $10 for his merchandise. Actually the price is probably about right - FOR POT! Mr. Flores, an illegal immigrant from Mexico, was charged with selling $5 and $10 bags of marijuana to 3rd, 4th and 5th graders in Mission, Texas. Said police chief Leo Longoria, "It's a scary thought, but that's the info we received." Probably pretty good info too, since bags of marijuana were found in the truck with the ice cream.

Yes, that includes high-fives, handshakes, a pat on the back, and hugging (no matter how brief). Them's the rules at Kilmer Middle School in Vienna (Fairfax County) Virginia. Per Principal Deborah Hernandez of the zero tolerance policy for physical contact: "You get into shades of gray. The kids say, 'If he can high-five, then I can do this.' " Please, Ms. Hernandez. That's a cop-out, and you know it. It's just easier to say "no physical contact" than it is to draft a reasonable rule.

To read more about this silly rule, and the silly justifications, click here.

It's obvious that some people, like Principal Ethna Haines, get carried away with their power. Fortunately, the legislative branch is their to keep them in check. The Havant Borough Council has totally BUSTED this crazed megalomaniac - for painting her school to yellow! Before taking this bold stance against colorfulness, people used to ask of the Council, "Haven't they got anything better to do?" Now we know that they do. This!

Of her outrageous decision to paint a school for 2-9 year-olds yellow, Ms. Haines said: "Other parts of our building are already painted yellow and we use the colour to make the school a bright, positive experience for small children." Said the contractor who defiled the school: "I think the colour really brightens the whole place up and the children love it."

Thank goodness for the voice of reason, the Council. Per Council officer Sarah Hain: "The bright yellow colour for the walls seriously detracts from the character and appearance of the conservation area and adversely affects the outlook of neighbouring occupiers." Mercy! By a vote of 7-5, the Council agreed. Ms. Haines has 4 months to change the color to a dark-stained timber. "Pish," she said. [not really, but she should have.] She did say that she's going to appeal the decision, and has no plans to paint the school a darker color. Here's hoping she wins. To see the school, click here.

Milwaukee Alderman Michael McGee has been arrested three times in the past 18 months, and has been involved in several other incidents.

He was arrested (that's #1) for shouting an obscenity at Blockbuster employees. In the aftermath of a protest following the Blockbuster incident, he did not contest "a municipal charge of resisting and obstructing an officer."

He was arrested again (that's #2) after threatening to kill Kimley Rucker, a woman with whom he had an affair and who later gave birth to his child. Rucker's attorney claimed McGee threatened her in open court, saying "if you drive by my house, I'm going to kill your ass."

He was investigated for perjury, when, under oath, he denied any "romantic" relationship with Rucker. (remember her!)

Currently, he is under arrest (that's #3) and being investigated on charges of public corruption. According to sources, the arrest was made earlier than planned because investigators suspected the potential for violence.

Okay, so would you vote for this man in the recall campaign? Do you think he won?

Continue reading "Would You Vote For This Man? Did He Win His Recall Election?" »

So, is she (1) Jaclyn Vivian Meridth, the 38-year-old former furniture-factory worker who paints her nails red and chaperones youth events for her church, or (2) Roberto Rebollera Neria -- aka Jaclyn Meridth, aka Ilma Martinez -- a document forger and suspected illegal immigrant, possibly from Mexico? You'll have to read here to find out. It's quite a story.

Not only did she claim it, she pleaded guilty to trying to extort $2 million from Starr to keep their alleged relationship years ago a secret! Zoinks!

“Be creative,” the creative writing teacher instructed her students. “There will be no judgment and no censorship.” But when 18-year-old Allen Lee—a student with a 4.2 grade-point average who never got in trouble at school—submitted his essay, he ended up being charged with two misdemeanor counts of disorderly conduct.

Here’s an excerpt from the essay:

Blood, sex and booze. Drugs, drugs, drugs are fun. Stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, s..t...a...b...puke. So I had this dream last night where I went into a building, pulled out two P90s and started shooting everyone, then had sex with the dead bodies. Well, not really, but it would be funny if I did.

Given the military’s emphasis on the chain of command and following orders, it is surprising that the Marines didn’t want Lee! Wasn’t he simply following his teacher’s instructions?

So what happened?

Continue reading "This Is What You Get For Following the Teacher’s Instructions?" »

Okay, so I hate dress codes. I especially hate vague dress codes. How are students supposed to know if they are complying with "etc?" The folks who drafted the new dress code for Neosho High School (in Missouri) might want to take another look at this thang. Here are a few "specific examples of articles that are inappropriate for all students:"

Clothing and/or appearance that disrupts the educational process or poses a threat to the safety of others (chains, sharp objects, excessive jewelry, cut gloves, etc.

Unnatural hair color (fuchsia, green, blue etc.) is not acceptable.

EDUCATE, PEOPLE. School board, do you honestly think this is going to change anything? Address the underlying problem, not the appearance!!! Aaaargh.

Yes indeed. Washington [state] resident Roy "Billy" Day did not appreciate being dumped. So he camped out (literally) in his ex-girlfriend's attic. (He had a sleeping bag and a fan up there!) He then cut a hole in the ceiling, jumped down and assaulted his ex and her daughter. He hit his ex more than 20 times.And he punched her daughter too. Mr. Day is being held on $500,00 bail. Click here to read the entire story.

Dude really wanted the motorcycle, so he came equipped - with a blow torch, gas cannisters, a screwdriver and a claw hammer. Problem was, he was a little bit to loud. The homeowner's 4-year-old son heard some noise, and woke his dad. So dad chased him down the street, then realized he was buck naked. By then the would-be thief was well on his way - without his tools or the motorcycle, though he had managed to melt the lock on the motorcycle.

Neighbors had seen a man with a dark jacket and gloves (see police artist sketch below) dragging a wheelie bin through the neighborhood, looking around to see if he was being watched. Hmmmmmm. If you have any information on this crime, call the South Wales Police at 029 2022 2111 (collect!). (You can read the entire story here.)

It all started with a $25 ticket for walking a dog without a leash. As reported in The Washington Post, per Washington, DC resident Peter McMahon:

When I got to the station on April 12 at 6:45 a.m., I was promptly arrested. Throughout the day I was put in five cells, handcuffed three times, fingerprinted twice, made to wear leg shackles and photographed before being released at about 5 p.m.

In this post-9/11 world, we ask a lot of airport security personnel – they are, after all, our first line of defense against airborne terrorist attacks. We expect them to be vigilant watchdogs, keeping their eyes and ears open for signs of anything unusual in our nation’s airports.

But this is ridiculous.

Ms. Renee Koutsouradis had boarded her flight from Las Vegas to Tampa, and was waiting for the plane to leave the gate, when she was summoned to the front by flight attendants. She was escorted off the plane and down onto the tarmac, where she was informed that “something was vibrating” in her bag (guess what it was). The court explains what happened next:

On the tarmac, in the presence of three Delta male employees, and apparently in view of some of the other passengers still seated on the plane, the gate agent asked Koutsouradis to open her bag and take the batteries out of the vibrator. Koutsouradis alleges that, at this time, one of the Delta male employees . . . made sexually explicit statements toward her, causing the other men to laugh. She claims [he] licked his lips and said “What do [you] need that for?”, “Doesn’t your husband satisfy you?”, and “Come on Baby, let me satisfy you.”

Continue reading "Honey, Did You Pack Any Liquids, Perishables, Or Sex Toys?" »

Missouri resident Thor Davis was no stranger to the state troopers. When Davis was pulled over

... [Trooper] Hines recognized [him], as he had previously stopped Davis for motor vehicle license violations. Hines ... asked to see his driver's license. Davis told Hines that he did not have a license, and did not need one because, "he was an ambassador of God, and had immunity." At trial, Davis said, "I freely admit that I do not have a driver's license. I will tell the Court that I do not intend to get a driver's license because I feel that it is against my religious beliefs." Davis declared he was merely "traveling in a conveyance" rather than "driving a motor vehicle." When asked by the judge whether he was claiming that he was not "turning the wheel, and operating the brake pedal, and operating the accelerator," Davis replied, "No, I'm not." (emphasis added).

his religious beliefs, as expressed in the Bible in Leviticus 18:3-5, Exodus 22:32-33, 34:10-17, and Deuteronomy 7:2, prohibit him from making any covenant or contract with any other god but God. He reasons that the state of Missouri is a god, and that an application for an operator's license is a contract, which he is prohibited from making, because such act would amount to the crime of treason against his government and his King (God) (emphasis added).

Continue reading "Ambassador of God? Just Get A Driver's License Already!" »

As a personal injury lawyer, I cringe when I hear the term "frivolous lawsuit" because it's used by the insurance industry (and other corporations) to create the false impression that lawyers are filing scads of bogus lawsuits, crowding the court dockets, and somehow getting rich as a result!? The term is used (with much success) to create an environment that prevents victims from obtaining the compensation they deserve.

Well, I think this one qualifies. Rajaram Kripashankar Srivastava has filed a claim stating that he owns the Indian state of Maharashtra (which I just learned is home to 96+ million people, and covers 119,000 square miles) and the Arabian Sea (big, very big). Seems that, on their way out, the Brits transfered the rights to Maharashtra and the Arabian Sea to his mother. Indian authorities are investigating the claim.

You take off all of your clothes - everything - then go lie down in the middle of an interstate highway. That's just what Shadrach Harding of Centralia, Illinois did. You'd think a dude in that position would go quietly when the police arrived. Not Shadrach. He put up a fight, and was charged with a felony - aggrevated battery. A sympathetic judge, completely naked under his robe [not], sentenced Shadrach to one year probation.