Legal Juice

People always ask how I find the stories for Legal Juice. I found this one on the back page of the "A" section of yesterday's Washington Post. I was skimming a full-page ad for a new allergy drug called "Xyzal." Ignore, if you can, the idiotic name "Xyzal." In the not-so-fine print, I read the following:

Do not take Xyzal if you are allergic to Xyzal ...

I had to read it again, and again, because it was SO STUPID. I'm trying to think of an equally stupid analogy, but I can't!

But there's more. The "don't operate heavy machinery while taking this drug" warning is very common. But what about driving your car?

"Patients taking Xyzal should avoid operating machinery or driving a motor vehicle."

You can't take this allergy drug and safely drive a car? Doesn't this eliminate MOST PEOPLE IN THE DEVELOPED WORLD? And just to be sure it wasn't a misprint, I checked the company's website, and found the exact same warning! Brilliant!

So said 27-year-old professional soccer player Bob Malcolm after being arrested for driving while intoxicated. Here's a man who truly believes in accepting responsibility for his actions:

I recognise that footballers are role models and that, as such, they should set a positive example. On this occasion, I have failed to do that.

Okay. Sounds good.

"But I must say that I was very upset and frustrated with the poor performance of the referee in our match at Plymouth the evening before."

Doh! What were the circumstances of his arrest? As reported in the Daily Mail:

The drama happened on the M1 northbound at Tibshelf, Derbyshire, at around 6.30am on December 27 last year.

A shocked motorist told police he nearly smashed into Malcolm's car, which was straddling the middle and fast lanes of the motorway.

The other driver pulled over, woke up Malcolm, persuaded him to move to the hard shoulder, and then phoned 999.

Malcolm's blood alcohol level was more than double the legal limit. In addition to blaming the ref, Malcolm did have one more comment to try and distance himself from the crime:

"I would also like to stress that at the time of the incident, I was not driving my car. "I had pulled over to the side of the road and was sleeping. Once again, I apologise for what has been a major error of judgment."

Wow. And how exactly did you get there, Malcolm? By getting shitfaced, and then driving to your parking spot in the middle of the road? NO EXCUSES. Just cop to it, and people will respect you a lot more. (I'm sure that ref is looking forward to his next match with you.) Here's the article.

You live in Georgia, and you Lose a City Council election (the right to be in the run-off, actually) to a transgender candidate. Naturally (if you're Georgia Fuller, anyway), you sue for fraud. One small problem, Loser lady, City Coucil Member Michelle Bruce IS AN INCUMBENT. Doh! This doesn't stop Fuller from arguing that, as she calls him, "Michael Bruce," has an unfair advantage running as a woman! We're talking about a town of 12,000 people, which Michelle has been serving for 4 years! Said Michelle:

I'm Michelle. I'm the same Michelle they elected four years ago. They're just distracting the voters from the issues. Everybody in my district knows me, everyone in Riverdale knows me. I've done a real good job representing the people. I am for the people.

Because I think Fuller's lawsuit is one of the most idiotic I've ever seen (considering how many cases I review daily for this blog, that's saying something), Bruce get's the last word: "People want a candidate that will listen to them, protect them, save them money and be there for them. And I always will be." Hopefully, Ms. Fuller has moved on. Here's the story from PrideSource.

You've probably heard this expression before: "I may not agree with what you say but I will defend to the death your right to say it?" Fuhgettaboutit. Not in these times. Reinforcing that notion, as reported by wkrn.com ...

A Nashville man says he and his 10-year-old daughter were victims of road rage Thursday afternoon, all because of a political bumper sticker on his car.

Give me an "O" ..

He said Harry Weisiger gave him the bird and rammed into his vehicle, after noticing an Obama-Biden sticker on his car bumper.

Duren had just picked up his 10-year-old daughter from school and had her in the car with him.

"He pointed at the back of my car," Duren said, "the bumper, flipped me off, one finger salute."

But it didn't end there.

Duren told News 2 that Weisiger honked his horn at him for awhile, as Duren stopped at a stop sign.

Once he started driving again, down Blair Boulevard, towards his home, he said, "I looked in the rear view mirror again, and this same SUV was speeding, flying up behind me, bumped me."

Duren said he applied his brake and the SUV smashed into the back of his car. He then put his car in park to take care of the accident, but Weisiger started pushing the car using his SUV.

Duren said, "He pushed my car up towards the sidewalk, almost onto the sidewalk."

Damn!

Police say Harry Weisiger is charged with felony reckless endangerment in the incident.

Here's the source.

With what? A fart. Yes, the police charged Clarksburg, West Virginia resident Jose Antonio Cruz with battery for farting on a policeman! As reported in the Charleston Daily Mail:

South Charleston police said they were fingerprinting Cruz at police headquarters Tuesday when Cruz moved near Patrolman T.E. Parsons, lifted his leg and passed gas "loudly" on the officer, according to a criminal complaint.

Cruz then waved the air in the direction of Parsons, who was preparing a breath test machine nearby.

"The gas was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature with Patrolman Parsons," the complaint said.

Charges this serious cannot go unanswered.

Cruz acknowledged passing gas, but said he didn't move his chair toward the officer nor aim gas at the patrolman. He said he had an upset stomach at the time, but police denied his request to go to the bathroom when he first arrived at the station.

"I couldn't hold it no more,'' he said.

A valid defense. So what happened to Mr. Cruz? Someone thought better of it (perhaps everyone), and the battery charge was dropped.

Apparently it's a crime to teach while you are under the influence of alcohol and prescription drugs. ("Teaching While Intoxicated") As reported by The Desert Sun:

A Thermal middle school teacher was arrested on Tuesday on suspicion of being under the influence of prescription drugs and alcohol during the school day, officials said.

Administrators at Toro Canyon Middle School reported around 1 p.m. Tuesday that Tonya Neff, 47, was showing signs of intoxication, according to the Riverside County Sheriff's Department.

“Our students were safe,” Coachella Valley Unified School District Superintendent Ricardo Medina said. “There was never any threat to the students.”

Note to defense lawyer: "... students were safe ... never any threat to students ..." Why take note of this?

Neff was arrested on suspicion of felony child endangerment ...

True, The Juice is not a criminal lawyer. Still, as an old friend used to say, "it's something to think about." You can read more here.

Could there be a worse use of the one phone call you are allowed from jail? Okay, maybe if you made a bomb threat. But this is right up there. As reported by The Naperville (Illinois) Sun:

Carly A. Houston was taken to the Naperville police station over the weekend, after she allegedly became embroiled in a heated, early morning dispute with a taxicab driver.

A police officer dutifully supplied the 29-year-old Chicago woman with a telephone, instructing her she could make one call to find a relative or friend who could come to the station to post her bail.

Instead, Houston used her call to dial 911, which immediately connected her to Naperville police dispatchers. She pleaded for help, complaining she was "trapped inside the detention facility," police said Monday.

Snap! Trapped in jail ...

[This] earned her another criminal charge ... for making a false 911 report.

It was not a good morning for Ms. Houston:

[Her] troubles began about 1:40 a.m. Sunday, when police were called to the BP service station at 901 N. Washington St., police Cmdr. Mike Anders said.

A cab driver there told police he had picked Houston up near the city's downtown, and that she had instructed him to drive north on Washington Street, Anders said.

When the driver asked for her specific destination, Houston allegedly "yelled, screamed, cursed and extended (both) middle fingers at the cab driver and threatened bodily harm" against him, Anders said. He stopped at the gas station, where employees and patrons were also "alarmed and disturbed" by her reputed behavior, he said.

You can read more, and see a photo of Ms. Houston here.

The clothes belonged to a woman in Tacoma, Washington. As reported by The News Tribune:

A report of a naked woman tied to a tree in the Owen Beach area brought Tacoma police to Point Defiance Park on Tuesday.

I'll bet ...

A witness called 911 and reported seeing the woman, police spokesman Mark Fulghum said. A man was spotted nearby.

Several police officers responded to the park and traffic officers were posted at its entrances and exits, Fulghum said.

The officers talked with the man and woman and determined it was a “consensual rendezvous,” Fulghum said. No arrests were made.

"See you at the tree at noon. Oh, and don't forget the rope ..."

How low can a thief go? Check out this theft, apparently involving three men, as reported in the North Royalton (Ohio) Police Blotter by the Sun Star Courier:

THEFT, STATE ROAD: A Sunoco employee reported the theft of a donation jar at 5:34 p.m. March 8.

The employee said he was assisting another customer with the lottery machine when three men walked in. One picked up a donation jar for missing children and another man stepped in front of security cameras.

But, as it turns out, not soon enough ...

The officer reviewed security footage that captured the man picking up the donation jar containing $31. He recognized the man from previous criminal incidents.

The officer went to the man’s residence and showed the camera footage to the his parents, who admitted it appeared to be their son. He was cited for theft.

Readers, if you can top this, please let The Juice know, and it will be posted, with props to the source.

Well, kind of. A 17-year-old Washington student stood before his class and presented his essay on why marijuana should be legalized. And? Oh no you didn't... Per The News Tribune:

At the end of his speech ... [he] pulled out a joint, lit it and smoked away. Then he ate the remains.

Yes! Victory! He ate it, so you can't ... what's that?

For that he got a quick escort to the school office and then a ride to Remann Hall juvenile jail.

The boy ... was arrested on suspicion of unlawful drug possession, a misdemeanor.

In case you were wondering, he has a 3.7 GPA. To read more (a fair amount), click here.