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Tumid? Seriously, does anyone know what “tumid” means? Some legislators did, because they put it in Section 3303.14 of the Columbus (Ohio) Code:

“Nude” or “state of nudity” means a state of dress or undress that exposes to view: …

2. Human male genitals in a discernibly tumid state, even with a complete and opaque covering, or

3. A covering or device that when worn, depicts, represents, or simulates human female genitals, human female areolae or nipples, or human male genitals in a discernibly tumid state.

(Emphasis added by The Juice.) If you still don’t know what “tumid” means, click here.

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It pays to know and understand the Constitution, especially the 5th Amendment. A man in Fort Walton Beach, Florida would be well-advised to read it, or at least catch a few episodes of Law & Order. As reported by the Northwest Florida Daily News:

A man stopped for driving with an inoperable brakelight on Nov. 23 was questioned when the officer noticed the man’s pants were unbuttoned and unzipped. The condition of the man’s pants was obvious when he was asked to step out and look at the lights for himself.

Yeah, probably the first guy ever to have a partially unzipped fly…

When the officer questioned him, the driver said he had just left his girlfriend’s house and had picked up the 36-year-old female in his car to give her a ride home.

Okay…

After the officer advised the man that he believed a sexual act was performed in the vehicle, the man said the female had offered to perform that sexual act for $20. The man added that he had paid the $20 but had not yet gotten the act.

Really? It’s not like you were tied to a chair, with a hammer about to smash your toes. How about this answer: nuh-uh.

The defendant had $20 in her pocket, according to her Fort Walton Beach Police Department arrest report.

She was charged with soliciting for prostitution.

Really? What about the loose-lipped, would-be john? Not cool.

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When you’re a burglar, going to the same well twice is going once too often.

A Madrid man faces multiple felony charges after he allegedly stole coins and cash during two separate home invasions, St. Lawrence County sheriff’s deputies said.

Yeah, they were separate home invasions, but invasions of the same home!

Jeffrey R. Lavare, 29, of 401 Haig Road, was charged with two counts of second-degree burglary, fourth-degree grand larceny and petit larceny.

Deputies said Lavare entered a residence located on the Elliot Road and stole coins value at more than $1,000. Deputies said he returned to the residence at a later date and stole coins and cash valued at about $350.

You’ll find the source here, at North Country Now (Potsdam, New York).

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Like many shoppers before him, Mr. Walter Tessier walked into a grocery store (in Amsterdam, New York) and bought a lobster. He later returned to the store claiming that the lobster was bad, and exchanged it for a bag of king crab legs. So whatsamatta? Just this: the lobster shell was empty! As reported by The Times Union:

When confronted, the man with a passion for seafood ran from the store with the bag of crab legs in hand, they said.

Deputies said they caught up with him at his home only to discover that he had already eaten the crab legs.

Walter Tessier, giving new meaning to the phrase “eat and run” … (We actually had a case involving a woman who admitted to eating a crab she had just purchased – while she was driving! Not surprisingly, she rear-ended our client.)

Tessier was charged with petit larceny and given an appearance ticket to return to court at a later date.

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Per the St. Petersburg Times:

To prove he’s incompetent to stand trial on multiple felony charges, Robert Sinclaire Lee hid a razor in his mouth and used it to cut his wrist in court.

He smeared feces on his face.

And Monday, he entered a courtroom with feces hidden in his jail jacket pocket.

Did it work? Nope. Why not? Well, among other evidence of malingering,

Prosecutors also have jail phone call recordings on which Lee laughs about acting “crazy.”

Who knew that prisoner’s phone calls were monitored, other than EVERYONE (except Lee)? To read more, click here.

So what happened at the trial? Guilty. You can read more here.

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I would imagine that 911 operators get a lot of strange calls. Still, I’ll bet they don’t get calls like this too often. As reported by the St. Petersburg Times:

Joshua Basso said his cell phone ran out of minutes Wednesday, so he called the one number that he knew is always free — 911 — with an unusual request.

He wanted someone to have sex with him.

Is there [pardon the pun] stimulus money for that? [Oh!]

When 911 operators hung up on him, he called back four times, police said.

Fifteen minutes after his last call, police arrested Basso at his home, at 4202 N Nebraska Ave., on charges of making a false 911 call. He was taken to the Hillsborough County Jail, where he remains without bail.

No bail?

Basso has been arrested a dozen times in Hillsborough on charges including grand theft of a motor vehicle, violation of probation, domestic violence battery, possession of marijuana, trespassing and burglary, jail records show.

Add one more to that cornucopia of criminal charges. Here’s the source.

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It sounds crazy, right? A light saber beating a taser? But it happened. It all started one night … as reported by kgw.com (Portland, Oregon) …

Officers were dispatched to the [Toys R Us] store shortly before 10 p.m., Wednesday on reports that the man had already assaulted three customers with [two ‘Star Wars’ light sabers]. None of them was injured.

Before officers arrived, dispatchers were told the man had walked out into the parking lot, still swinging the swords. Police found the man in the lot talking incoherently.

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You have to be pretty hammered to think that the candor pander has any chance of working when you’re driving drunk. As reported by www.beenews.com (New York):

A man was arrested for driving while intoxicated after patrol observed his vehicle 
pass 
through a steady red light at Seneca Creek Road and swerve several times on 
Union Road.

The 
man told patrol, “I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been drinking,” then produced a Rite Aid 
rewards card 
for ID instead of his driver’s license.

Doh!

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FbombTHfinal.jpgCook County, Illinois Judge Stanley Sacks, during the trial of a Chicago police officer convicted of reckless driving, said:

Pardon my language, but big fucking deal.

So… judicial. For this little doozy, Chief Judge Timothy Evans re-assigned Sacks to non-judicial duties for four months.

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Yup. When Rachel Monk, a 24-year-old Scottish woman with cerebal palsy, wanted to get a tattoo, the first establishment she and her family tried was up a flight of steps. Since Ms. Monk is in a wheelchair, she was referred to another tattoo parlor. At that establishment, called Body Creation, the owner told her

We don’t do people like you.

Me thinks they will now. A discrimination claim was filed. The Disability Rights Commision awarded Ms. Monk £2,500 ($5,000), stating

It was abundantly clear, once one took the trouble to communicate with Rachael, that she knew her own mind, was proud of the small heart (tattoo) already displayed on her right arm, and wanted that tattoo she had chosen for her left upper arm… [Mr Dean] did not attempt to make any assessment of Rachael’s vulnerability or capacity He simply ignored her and made assumptions based upon her physical abilities.

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