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If you’re wondering “Is there a ‘right’ Mercedes to steal?” – the answer is a resounding “yes.” It would be a Mercedes that doesn’t have a lion in the back.. Per The Telegraph:

Caesar, Circus Probst’s ferocious five-year-old star, was being transported a Mercedes van when the vehicle was stolen.

The thief drove off, but abandoned the vehicle with the engine still running after crashing into a road sign. It was unclear whether the thief’s sudden awareness of the animal in the back of the van had inspired him or her to abort the mission.

Unclear? I think we can probably dispense with the guesswork. Although, that must be one quiet lion …

Police recovered the van in the early hours of Wednesday morning in Wuppertal, in western Germany.

They towed the van away, unaware of its feline freight, and it was not until midday on Wednesday that the circus lion was returned to its rightful owners, more than 12 hours after the adventure began.

In case you’re concerned about Caesar’s well-being …

“Caesar is fine. We’re not worried about him,” said Laurens Thoen, a circus spokesman.

“Since yesterday (Wednesday) afternoon he has been in his enclosure at the circus.”

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criminal.gif As reported in The Murfreesboro [Tennessee] Post:

A retired Murfreesboro woman reported a man identifying himself from Publisher’s Clearing House notified her she received a $200,000 prize but she needed to pay $857.75 in taxes before receiving the money. She sent a $857.75 money gram to a Smyrna address. Once the money gram was received, the callers asked for $1,200 more for interstate taxes. Instead of sending money a second time, she called police.

You know that old saying, “Fool me once, shame on you …” Or, as President Bush phrased it [really]:

“There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.” —President George W. Bush, Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002

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lodging%20state%20prison%20next%20right%20funny%20road%20sign%20wacky%20street.jpg Sure, turning yourself in is great but … you might want to wait until you sober up! This advice comes to late for William Olson, age 38, of Great Falls, Montana. He drove himself to the Highway Patrol, and turned himself in. For what? Per the Great Falls Tribune:

According to charges, Olson was driving in a Toyota 4Runner with his four children, who range in age from 3 to 13, on Morony Dam Road on Sunday.

Olson turned onto a gravel road, then sped up and pulled the emergency break in an attempt to make the vehicle spin, documents state. Olson told police he was trying to impress the kids, documents state.

Oh he impressed them, just not in the way he intended.

Instead, the vehicle rolled. The children were not in safety seats, and received minor injuries in the crash …

So after he turned himself in, the officer interviewing him smelled alcohol. Olson blew .094 (legally impaired!). And this is his 4th DUI charge! Doh! Here are the charges he’s facing, in addition to the DUI:

driving a vehicle with expired registration, driving a vehicle with plates assigned to another vehicle, failure to give notice of an accident, reckless driving, two counts of failure to have a child properly restrained, four counts of negligent vehicular assault, and obstructing justice.

Shazam!

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I think it’s fair to say that virtually every kid on earth is told not to play with fire. Many kids ignore it, and manage to escape unscathed. Such was not the case for an 11-year-old boy in Sweden. He was 9 on that fateful day. Per The Local (Sweden):

An 11-year-old boy has been ordered to pay 1.9 million kronor (US $276,000) in damages after causing smoke and water damage to a Stockholm home, the Aftonbladet newspaper writes.

The boy, who was nine at the time, was visiting another family in the suburb in southern Stockholm when he got hold of a cigarette lighter and proceeded to set light to some paper in a wardrobe with devastating consequences.

The insurance company agreed to meet the costs incurred by the family for the damages to their home – 1.9 million kronor – and then proceeded to sue the boy in court.

Well that should make for some really good public relations …

The court has now ruled that the boy is responsible for his actions – the debt can not be claimed from the other members of his family.

“According to Swedish law children can be liable for damages to the same extent as adults,” said Mårten Schultz, an expert in liability law, told the newspaper. “The debt is the child’s, it is the boy that has to pay up,” he confirmed.

Are they going to garnish his allowance? Here’s the source.

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I would imagine that 911 operators get a lot of strange calls. Still, I’ll bet they don’t get calls like this too often. As reported by the St. Petersburg Times:

Joshua Basso said his cell phone ran out of minutes Wednesday, so he called the one number that he knew is always free — 911 — with an unusual request.

He wanted someone to have sex with him.

Is there [pardon the pun] stimulus money for that? [Oh!]

When 911 operators hung up on him, he called back four times, police said.

Fifteen minutes after his last call, police arrested Basso at his home, at 4202 N Nebraska Ave., on charges of making a false 911 call. He was taken to the Hillsborough County Jail, where he remains without bail.

No bail?

Basso has been arrested a dozen times in Hillsborough on charges including grand theft of a motor vehicle, violation of probation, domestic violence battery, possession of marijuana, trespassing and burglary, jail records show.

Add one more to that cornucopia of criminal charges. Here’s the source.

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You’ll have to excuse the pun (you’ll see what I’m talking about), but this was extremely uncool. From the Times Herald-Record:

A man who stuffed his 98-year-old mother’s dead body in a freezer chest and then cashed her Social Security money was sentenced to six months in jail on Friday.

Roland “Jack” Auslander, 70, stuffed Herta Auslander in the freezer at their Cooks Falls home after she died of natural causes, cashing her social security checks for at least 18 months and forging her signature. Troopers found the body in October 2008. Auslander was arrested five months later after hiding in Pennsylvania and Delaware County, and pleaded guilty to the charges in Sullivan County.

He only faced charges related to grand larceny and defrauding social security. There is a pending misdemeanor charge in Delaware County of unlawfully disposing a body.

Auslander appeared for sentencing with his attorney Gerald Orseck, wearing a sling around his arm and a surgical glove on his hand. Orseck asked Judge Frank LaBuda for probation because Auslander is gravely ill with cancer. He recently had surgery to remove melanoma from his hand.

Auslander told probation officers that he kept his mother in the freezer because he couldn’t bear to part with her. The county’s probation department recommended probation. But LaBuda said he did not find Auslander’s explanation credible. He ordered a mental health examination to go with the six-month jail sentence and five years probation.

“Anyone who buries his mother in his own freezer is not thinking right,” LaBuda said.

District Attorney Steve Lungen argued for prison because of Auslander’s extensive criminal history that includes 22 arrests and a prison sentence for drug dealing. He could have faced up to 2 1/3 to 7 years.

“The bottom line is that he put his mother in the freezer because he couldn’t bear to part with her Social Security checks,” Lungen said.

Auslander won’t have to report to the Sullivan County Jail until Friday. He stood outside the courtroom afterwards, saying he was heavily medicated when he packed his mom away.

“I accept responsibility for what I did,” Auslander said. “I wouldn’t have entered a plea otherwise.”

Here’s the source.

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It’s called a “car wash,” not a “man wash.” No doubt these four guys knew that, but decided to give it a shot anyway – NAKED! As reported by the Courier Mail:

Four young men who were caught cooling off naked inside a central Queensland car wash have been warned their prank could have had much more serious consequences.

The two 19-year-olds and two 23-year-old men paid $17 for the full service during a night out in Biloela early Sunday morning, then stripped off and ran around inside as their girlfriends filmed them.

Police patrolling the area put a stop to the “fun” before the wash hit full-cycle.

Good thing because …

A service station attendant said the high pressure sprayers had the potential to remove skin and “could’ve blown their eyes out of their sockets”.

Think what it could have done to their b_ _ _ _ _ _ ks! Said the fuzz:

“They were stopped before it went too far. They could have been seriously injured.”

Um. Yeah. So that’s the crime. The time?

… the men were warned of the danger of high-pressure cleaners and issued with notices to appear in court for public nuisance and willful exposure.

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So the parent of a 5-year-old kid had an argument with another parent – on the playground, of course. As a result, Mr. Joseph Moldrich, one of the parents, hatched a scheme to get the kid of the other parent kicked out of school. He would make threatening phone calls to the teacher, pretending to be the other parent! Pure genius, no? No. Here are a few of the messages Moldrich allegedly left (he said he’s going to plead guilty):

You fuck off Oakleigh South.

. . . We know where you live.

. . . Kill, kill, kill.

You fucking, you no leave and me kill you.

Some calls were made with a fake foreign accent, some with a woman’s voice. Wow. Moldrich has been in jail since he was arrested on June 29th. He has not even asked for bail. Should’ve followed the Juice motto: What happens on the playground, stays on the playground. You can read more here.

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Regular readers know that the Juice is not fond of folks who try to weasel out of jury duty. But this is one of the more idiotic methods I’ve seen employed (but did it work?). As reported by the Bozeman Daily Chronicle:

Erik Slye, a Belgrade auto painter in his mid-30s, was summoned to appear for jury duty on Jan. 26 by District Judge John Brown’s court. Slye, who had previously told the court that he could not take time off from work to serve on a jury, responded with a written tirade of insults and profanities that landed him in front of the judge last week. His wife now says she wrote the affidavit, even though her husband signed it.

So what did it say? [From The Smoking Gun]

Apparently you morons didn’t understand me the first time. I CANNOT take time off from work. I’m not putting my familys well being at stake to participate in this crap. I don’t believe in our “justice” system and I don’t want to have a goddam thing to do with it. Jury duty is a complete waste of time. I would rather count the wrinkles on my dogs balls than sit on a jury . Get it through your thick skulls. Leave me the F__k alone.

You sent this to the court? What the hell were you thinking? And what did the Court have to say?

… the note landed Erik Slye in front of Judge Brown. On April 21, Brown had Slye read the entire note aloud in court.

Um, er, oh. Did I say that?

“Mr. Slye, do you think I’m a moron?” Brown asked after he was finished.

Erik Slye said no, and apologized to Brown and the clerks of the court.

The result?

[Judge] Brown excused Erik Slye with a warning.

Slye’s wife apparently learned nothing from the ordeal.

Asked if she had any advice for others trying to get out of jury duty, she offered only this: “Freedom of speech doesn’t apply to jury affidavits.”

You can read a few more jury weasel posts here and here.

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Let’s just say that, suddenly, I’m much happier with “John.” The name? “Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii.” Really. Per the Taranaki Daily News:

[Family Court Judge Rob Murfitt] was so worried about the effect on the girl [who was the subject of a custody hearing] he ordered her to be temporarily placed under the guardianship of the court so a suitable name could be chosen.

Here are some other names Judge Murfitt cited in his opinion:

Number 16 Bus Shelter

Benson and Hedges (twins)

Violence

Midnight Chardonnay

Fish and Chips (yes, twins)

Yeah Detroit

Spiral Cicada

Kaos

Fat Boy

Cinderella Beauty Blossom

Twisty Poi

Keenan Got Lucky

Sex Fruit

Said the Judge:

While the ideal of seeking a unique name could not be criticised “these parents have failed in exercising the first and important task of parenthood”. He said it was not “a time to be frivolous or to create a hurdle for their child’s future life.”

Why does the New Zealand government have any say in what people name their kids?

Section 18 of the Births, Deaths and Marriages Registration Act 1995 allows the Registrar to refuse registration if:

(a) it might cause offence to a reasonable person; or

(b) it is unreasonably long; or

(c) without justification, it is, includes, or resembles, an official title or rank.

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