Articles Posted in Juice Drops

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How can a judge’s clerk make himself immortal? By cleverly inserting his name in an opinion. Props to the Southeast Texas Record’s John Browning for sharing this story. And speaking of the story, here’s how law clerk Bob Bragalone put his name in Judge Belew’s published opinion: He started each paragraph of the opinion with a letter in his name. From Meridian Savings Assocation v. Sadler, et al., 759 F. Supp. 336 (USDC ND Tex 1990):

Before the Court is Defendant Sadler’s Motion to Reconsider …

On November 2, 1989, Intervenor, Resolution Trust Corporation …

By this Court’s Order entered February 20, 1990 …

Before the RTC filed its Motion …

Realizing the importance of the judgment …

Arguing that the Court’s February 20, 1990 Order …

Given these facts, it is this Court’s responsibility …

As stated by the Fifth Circuit …

Like many other areas of the law …

Of these eight factors …

No suggestion has been made that …

Essentially, the Court’s new order …

Well done sir. Here’s the source.

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Sort of. A 17-year-old Washington student stood before his class and presented his essay on why marijuana should be legalized. And? Oh no you didn’t… Per The News Tribune:

At the end of his speech … [he] pulled out a joint, lit it and smoked away. Then he ate the remains.

Yes! Victory! He ate it, so you can’t … what’s that?

For that he got a quick escort to the school office and then a ride to Remann Hall juvenile jail.

The boy … was arrested on suspicion of unlawful drug possession, a misdemeanor.

In case you were wondering, he has a 3.7 GPA.

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Here’s a very good example, per WTHR.com:

It was a day that kept getting worse for a Terre Haute man who put his car in a ditch and then tried to get it out with a “borrowed” tractor.

When officers arrived, they discovered a large farm tractor and car in a ditch, apparently after falling from the bridge. The driver of the tractor had fled the scene.

Yeah, no chance the police would figure out it was him, what with his car being in the ditch …

Troopers got a tip that the driver was hiding at a nearby farm house on Rio Grande Road. Officers went to the residence and took the driver into custody without incident.

Damn you tipster!

The driver was identified as Kevin Michael Whitesell, age 31, of Terre Haute, IN. Whitesell was taken to the Vigo County Jail. He faces charges of Driving While Intoxicated, Class A misdemeanor; and Leaving the Scene of a Property Damage Crash, Class C misdemeanor. Additional charges may be filed.

The blow-by-blow:

Police say at around 5:00 am, Whitesell crashed his 2000 Chevrolet Cavalier on Bluejay Road just west of Eppert Road. He then walked to a farm house on Rio Grande Road, approximately two miles from the scene, and obtained a 1998 John Deere 9100 Series four-wheel driver tractor.

So after walking 2 miles, it still didn’t dawn on him that this was a bad idea.

Whitesell then drove back to his car on Bluejay, hooked the overturned car to the tractor and began dragging the car (on its top) eastbound on Bluejay.

As Whitesell attempted to make a right turn onto Eppert, he lost control and drove the tractor over the west side of the bridge, dragging the car with it. The tractor was owned by Plant Farms and the owner of the car was Whitesell. Police say Whitesell was an employee of Plant Farms, but he took the tractor without his employer knowing about it.

Damn you Eppert Road!

Damage to the bridge was estimated at $10,000 to $20,000 and the tractor was valued at $150,000.

Zoinks! Here’s the source, with multiple photographs of the scene.

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Okay, how do you feel about strip “throw rocks at cars on the highway from an overpass” poker? Yes, that’s what two dipshits in Washington have been charged with. As reported by KOMO News:

State troopers have arrested two people suspected of damaging at least 14 vehicles by throwing baseball-sized rocks onto them from a railroad trestle over Interstate 5 as a part of a stripping game.

Washington State Patrol Trooper Guy Gill said 23-year-old Joshua N. Sizemore and 18-year-old Amanda L. Madison were tossing large rocks from the trestle near Bridgeport way about midnight.

The rules of this “game?”

Investigators said the couple was playing a stripping game, the rules … involved Madison shedding a layer of clothes for every left headlight the two managed to bust. The same rule applied to Sizemore and right headlights.

The Juice’s blood is boiling. How were they caught?

Sizemore and Madison were tracked down by troopers on the ground with assistance from a State Patrol airplane which captured video of the couple throwing rocks. Investigators said Madison was in her underwear when police caught up with the couple.

Oh, and one of the cars that was hit was a police car!

“I think we very possibly could have saved a life,” said Trooper Eric Hatteberg.

Double true.

Both Madison and Sizemore were booked into the Pierce County Jail for investigation of malicious mischief and assault.

Here’s the source.

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I immediately thought of “Fight Club” when I read this story. As reported by Forbes.com:

For a time, Beverly Hills doctor Craig Alan Bittner turned the fat he removed from patients into biodiesel that fueled his Ford SUV and his girlfriend’s Lincoln Navigator.

Quoting Fawn Leibowitz’s “Animal House” friends, “Ewwwwww!” But is it legal?

Using fat to fuel cars might be environmentally friendly, but it’s definitely illegal in California to use human medical waste to power vehicles, and Bittner is being investigated by the state’s public health department.

To read more (a fair amount) click here. (One guess – What is the main ingredient in the soap in “Fight Club”?)

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Oh no you didn’t just drop the f-bomb in court, Lord Justice Nicholas Wall. He did, to make a point. As reported by the Sun:

Lord Justice Nicholas Wall used the words of English poet Philip Larkin to stress the devastating impact on children when couples keep warring after they split up.

The Appeal Court judge, dealing with a residence order, said he hoped he would give the mother and father a fright because they had both come “within a whisker” of losing their nine-year-old son.

As he ruled the boy could live with the mother, he said the parents had harmed him by their “ongoing mutual dislike and recriminations” for each other following the break-up.

The judge issued a statement overturning a decision by Luton County Court, Beds, at which custody of the boy had been given to his maternal grandparents.

So what about the f-bomb? “Quoting poet Larkin’s 1971 work This Be The Verse, he said:

“They f[uck] you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do.

“They fill you with the faults they had, and add some extra, just for you.”

Why the f-bomb?

He said: “These four lines give a clear warning to parents.”

Let’s hope so. They’ve certainly put Lord Wall on the map. Here’s the source.

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Perhaps the Apple iTouch has been out so long that it’s no longer “hot.” A 15-year-old Ohio boy would beg to differ. Seems he bought an iTouch in November 2008. As alleged in the Complaint filed in Federal Court in Ohio:

On December 4, 2008 …Plaintiff … was sitting at his desk with his Apple iTouch in the off position in his pant’s pocket. [He] heard a loud pop and immediately felt a burning sensation on his leg.

Uh oh.

[He] stood up and realized his Apple iTouch had exploded and caught on fire in his pocket.

[He] immediately ran to the bathroom and took off his burning pants with the assistance of a friend. [Give that kid a, uh… Zune.] The Apple iTouch had burned through [his]pants pocket and melted through his Nylon/Spandex underwear, burning his leg. [He had second degree burns.]

Yikes. The Juice wishes the boy a speedy recovery. Props to tomsguide.com for catching wind of this case. (You can read the Complaint by clicking here.)

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What else would you put in a mail slot on a door other than a letter? A penis, or course. Such was the case with Mr. Bryan Owens. And it wasn’t easy. As reported in The Sun:

Prosecutor Paul Caulfield said: “He had adapted the draft excluder to make a hole wide enough for him to stick his penis through so others could see it.

Owens was originally cautioned for the offence last September when a woman spotted him flashing his member on her way to work.

Despite the warning he was then collared doing the same thing a month later.

The defense? None. Mr. Owens pleaded guilty. Said the judge: “You have clearly got a problem which you need to overcome.” Indeed. The sentence was two years of supervision and five years on the sex offender registry. Here’s the source.

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Son of a biscuit! She did crash that funeral. As reported by FoxCarolina.com:

According to a[n] incident report, Nicole Leonard walked into the church while the funeral was going on and started dancing near the casket.

Sure, that’s weird, but read on.

The report said that Leonard then started waving a wand around the casket before opening it and laying her hands on the deceased. Leonard then started tapping the deceased man’s head with the wand, which was described as a car antenna.

You might be wondering, as I did, what her connection was to the deceased. None!

“(It’s) kind of ironic and weird in its own right, especially for someone with no connection to the family or the deceased in any way that we can find,” [Laurens County Sheriff Ricky] Chastain said. [He happened to be at the funeral.] “(She) just picked this funeral at random to stop in and do what she did.”

Surely Ms. Leonard can clear this up.

According to the incident report, when Leonard was asked why she did it, she said that she thought it was the right thing to do at the time.

See? It all makes sense. (She was charged with “disrupting a funeral.”)

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Oh no you didn’t just cite Ludacris, federal Judge Terence T. Evans. Okay, maybe “cite” is a little misleading, but still … from footnote 1 in U.S. v. Murphy

The trial transcript quotes Ms. Hayden as saying Murphy called her a snitch bitch “hoe.” A “hoe,” of course, is a tool used for weeding and gardening. We think the court reporter, unfamiliar with rap music (perhaps thankfully so), misunderstood Hayden’s response. We have taken the liberty of changing “hoe” to “ho,” a staple of rap music vernacular as, for example, when Ludacris raps “You doin’ ho activities with ho tendencies.”

I like it. Here’s the full cite (with a link to the case): U.S. v. Murphy, 406 F.3d 857 (7th Cir. 2005).