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All of these laws are on the books. Click on the statute and see for yourself.

No tattoos? Yup, no tattoos!

It shall be unlawful for any person to tattoo or offer to tattoo any person. As used herein to “tattoo” means to insert pigment under the surface of the skin of a human being, by pricking with a needle or otherwise, so as to produce a permanent indelible mark or figure visible on the skin. Provided, however, that the provisions hereof shall not apply to any act of a licensed practitioner of the healing arts performed in the course of his practice. §21-841

The Juice is in trouble with this next one:

Profane swearing consists in any use of the name of God, or Jesus Christ, or the Holy Ghost, either in imprecating divine vengeance upon the utterer, or any other person, or in light, trifling or irreverent speech. §21-904

No “holy shit?” No “damn you to hell?” No “sweet Mary, mother of God?” What about “holy crap?” Not to worry too much, though. The penalty:

Every person guilty of profane swearing is punishable by a fine of One Dollar ($1.00) for each offense. §21-905

Kids, watch your butts because:

… nothing contained in this Act shall prohibit any parent, teacher or other person from using ordinary force as a means of discipline, including but not limited to spanking, switching or paddling. §21-844

Damn, switching or paddling? Well, at least the fraternities have one less thing to worry about.

Again with the duels!

Any person guilty of fighting any duel, although no death or wound ensues, shall be guilty of a felony punishable by imprisonment in the State Penitentiary not exceeding ten (10) years. §21-662

Oh no you didn’t just try and serve me with those legal papers on Saturday.

Whoever maliciously procures any process in a civil action to be served on Saturday upon any person who keeps Saturday as holy time, and does not labor on that day, or serves upon him any process returnable on that day, or maliciously procures any civil action to which such person is a party to be adjourned to that day for trial, is guilty of a misdemeanor. §21-912

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Okay, The Juice ran out of material, so he just flat-out made this up. Ha! No, loyal readers, sadly this is a true story. From The Toronto Star, we have this story of a tremendous waste of government resources.

On a Monday evening in October 2011, 62-year-old Kathryn David returned to her home near Mt. Pleasant Rd. and Eglinton Ave. She pulled into the shared driveway between her home and that of her neighbour, Kevin Cooper. According to the judge’s decision, she got out of her car to move Cooper’s hose that went along the side of Cooper’s house and under a tall wooden gate to the backyard. Eventually, she tugged on the hose, causing it to catch on a patio chair in Cooper’s backyard and tear.

No big thing, you might think? What if The Juice told you this, this awful act was caught on videotape? Right, still no big thing, or … was it?

The incident was caught on video surveillance cameras set up by Cooper and he called the police to report property damage. David was then handcuffed and taken to a police station in the back of police car, says her lawyer, Erec Rolfe.

What? Why?

That is standard procedure, says Toronto Police spokesperson Victor Kwong, adding that “if the public wants us to be police and not be judge and jury, we go ahead with the charge regardless of dollar amount. And then it’s up to the courts to decide whether to mediate this or go to trial with it.”

The Juice isn’t blaming the cops, just the geniuses who set up this ridiculous, overly-inclusive procedure.

“The criminal charges were laid against our neighbour following a detailed police investigation and an independent decision by the Crown prosecutor to pursue those charges,” said Cooper and his wife Sylvia by email late Tuesday night.

So what happened?

“Fortunately for the Toronto Police Service, the Supreme Court of Canada has said that stupidity in relation to the law and negligence is not a case for malicious prosecution.” said Provincial Court Justice William Wolski before dismissing the charge, according to a transcript. “Why these charges were laid is still a mystery to me.”

Next case! Here’s the source, including a photo of the scene of the crime.

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It’s a big world, and there are lots of different fighting styles – boxing, kung fu, jujitsu (jiu-jitsu), MMA, taekwondo, to name a few. And then there’s this gent’s fighting style, unlikely to be replicated by anyone, ever. As reported by The Santa Cruz Sentinel:

A 24-year-old Santa Cruz man was arrested Sunday after police got a call complaining that a drunken man was being disruptive and challenging people to fight, police said.

Officers arrived near West Cliff Drive and Pelton Avenue near Lighthouse Field about 1:45 p.m. and found that Dimitri Z. Storm had encountered an opponent who took him up on his challenge to fight, Sgt. Dave Perry said.

Nothing out of the ordinary so far.

When the man didn’t back down, Storm dropped his pants, exposing himself, and then inserted a finger in his own rectum, Perry said.

Whoa. That’s going to make it kinda hard to fight, don’t you think?

Police also found him with a small pair of brass knuckles and arrested him on suspicion of indecent exposure, with a prior, being drunk in public, fighting and possession of brass knuckles, records show.

Maybe he was reaching for the brass knuckles and missed, badly? You’ll find the source here.

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This is not a question a court security officer should be asking. But hey, what are you supposed to do with that thing when you go to the restroom? Clearly, not this. As reported by The New Hampshire Union Leader:

According to New Hampshire State Police, officers from Troop D responded to Concord District Court at 1:30 p.m. Friday to investigate a report that a court security officer had a sidearm that was unaccounted for.

Uh-oh.

Court Security Officer Julie Bickford reported that her sidearm was missing from her holster, and that she believed that she might have misplaced the gun while using a bathroom.

Not to cast aspersions, but really? You just up and lost your gun? While on duty?

The courthouse was searched by troopers, a K-9 team, and court security personnel, but the weapon was not located.

Let’s go to the videotape …

State police reviewed Concord District Court security tapes and identified a female, Courtney Rojek, 24, of Pittsfield, seen exiting the women’s bathroom with a handgun in her hand within minutes of Bickford exiting the women’s bathroom.

Police said Rojek was seen placing the semi-automatic handgun on a table in the vestibule just outside the bathroom, and motioning a male subject over to her, identified by police as Jacob Noury, 33, of Barnstead.

On video, state police say Noury was seen handling the handgun and then placing it in Rojek’s waistband. Rojek and Noury are then seen exiting the court and leaving in a vehicle.

Did it really not occur to them that there are cameras in the courthouse?

Arrest warrants were initiated for Rojek and Noury for Class A felony charges of theft of lost or mislaid property and Class b felony charges for possession of a firearm in a district or superior court facility.

State police, along with Chichester police, located both Rojek and Noury at a tattoo parlor owned by Noury on Route 4 in Chichester Saturday evening. Both were taken into custody without incident.

A search warrant was requested and granted for Noury’s residence in Barnstead. A search was conducted and the missing sidearm, a Glock 40mm semi-automatic pistol, was located inside the residence, according to police.

Noury and Rojek were held on $10,000 cash bail at the Merrimack County Jail. They are due to be arraigned Monday, in Concord District Court.

It’s not known whether Officer Bickford was disciplined, though it’s hard to imagine the consequences of losing your gun, while on duty in the courthouse, would not be severe. Here’s the source.

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So you don’t like our clothes. What are you going to do, call the “clothes police?” Well, pretty much. And in Kuwait, they’ll come, and you’ll go. As reported by The Arab Times:

Acting on information [snitch!] police rushed to a shopping center in Salmiya and took into custody three unidentified young women who were scantily dressed, reports Al-Rai daily.


According to security sources some shoppers who were curious at the behavior of the women who were dressed in a vulgar manner and when the owner of a shop requested the women to leave and not to create chaos in his shop, the women refused saying they have the right to choose how to dress.

Chaos? No, Black Friday at Best Buy is chaos.

The director of the shopping mall then called the Operations Department of the Ministry of Interior.

 A case of ‘obscene act’ has been filed against the women.

Appreciate your freedom, folks.

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In addition to squirrel hunting and self defense … add to the list of things an AK-47 is handy for … disciplining your children! As reported by the Star Tribune:

A St. Paul man who recently purchased an assault rifle out of fear of an impending gun ban threatened his teenage daughter with it because she was getting two B’s in school rather than straight A’s, according to a criminal complaint filed Friday. Kirill Bartashevitch, 51, was charged in Ramsey County District Court with two felony counts of terroristic threats after alleging pointing an AK-47 at his daughter and wife during an argument over high school grades on Jan. 13.

Bartashevitch had recently purchased the rifle because he thought that such guns soon will be banned, the complaint said. He admitted to St. Paul police that he had pointed the gun at his wife and daughter but said it wasn’t loaded and that he had checked the chamber beforehand.

He was just trying to scare them is all. What’s the big deal?

“Any gun owner in America will tell you that’s incredibly irresponsible,” said Ramsey County Attorney John Choi. “You just don’t point guns at people.” Threatening someone with a gun is a crime of violence regardless of the type of weapon or whether it’s loaded, Choi said.

Uh, um, sorry?

The incident took place at the family’s house on Englewood Avenue. The girl’s concerns came to light four days later at Central High School when a social worker received a report from a parent who was monitoring her son’s electronic communications and read a message from the girl.

“Mom on Facebook saves the day!”

According to the complaint, the argument began when Bartashevitch berated his daughter for not making straight A’s at school. The girl swore at her father and stated that she “hated” him. He then pointed his new AK-47 at the girl, the complaint said.

The mother said that when she tried to protect the girl, her husband pushed her to the floor.

And what does the dad do for a living? He works for the Minneapolis Public Schools. Maybe he can be reassigned as an armed guard … Here’s the source, including a photo.

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Judges can do many things to end up facing discipline. They can skip out on work too much. They can treat parties poorly. They can disrespect lawyers who appear before them. Or, as a Pennsylvania disciplinary court found regarding Allentown District Judge Maryesther Merlo, all of the above, per The Morning Call.

Regarding attendance:

Merlo had a habit of calling out of work when dozens of hearings were scheduled and litigants, police and attorneys were assembled in her courtroom, her staff testified. According to the decision, Merlo missed 116 days of work from September 2007 to December 2009.

“This is not to mention that on the days when [Merlo] did come to work, she was never on time — she was always late,” the court added.

Former Lehigh County President Judge William H. Platt and Court Administrator Gordon Roberts testified their efforts to address her work habits fell on deaf ears. The disciplinary court noted Merlo’s explanation that her absences were excused because she never took vacation was belied by the fact she did take 49 days of vacation during the period at issue.

Excellent work habits. How did she treat parties and witnesses?

In one case, Merlo described a young man who appeared in court with his mother on a traffic offense as “a dog who needs to be retrained.” In another case, she ordered deputy sheriffs to arrest a woman who had been counseled by her lawyer not to testify to avoid incriminating herself, according to the decision.

[There was also testimony about] bizarre courtroom behavior, including an episode in which she ordered a defendant to call himself “scumbag.”

And the court examined Merlo’s conduct in 10 cases and found six in which her demeanor constituted a violation of the rules of conduct. Witnesses testified Merlo’s behavior was often demeaning, intimidating and offensive.

Okay. But what about Judge Merlo’s side of the story?

In each of the six cases, the court found the witnesses who complained about Merlo’s behavior to be more credible than the judge.

Doh! That hurts.

The state disciplinary court examined Merlo’s demeanor during truancy hearings, noting her practice of continuing cases to give the kids “a second chance” interfered with the district’s efforts to discipline students with attendance problems. Her own tardiness set a poor example for the students, the court noted.

Suzette Arcelay, a school counselor, testified Merlo’s behavior was often rude and erratic, including an episode in which Merlo told her to “shut up.”

Judge Merlo has the option of appealing the findings. You can read more here.

Update: Judge Merlo was removed from the bench. She has appealed this decision to the Pennsylvania Supreme Court. You can read more about it here.

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A pack of cigarettes! She stole a pack of cigarettes! 22 years ago! People! Where is your sense of proportionality? As reported by wesh.com:

A mother of two sits in jail Monday unable to post bail after being put behind bars for the 1991 theft of a pack of cigarettes.

Jail? You couldn’t release her on her own recognizance for this?

“Back in 1991, I shoplifted cigarettes from Walmart,” Hall said.

So how’d they catch her now?

That 22-year-old crime followed her to Port Canaveral Thursday, where she was wrapping up a dream vacation with her husband and two kids.

The family had cruised aboard the Disney Dream, and authorities were waiting for her when they got back. “I was pulled to the side and told I had a warrant,” Hall said.

Authorities said Hall had failed to pay the $85 in court costs when she was 18; and when authorities checked the ship’s passenger list for terrorists, they found a warrant for Hall.

And to this even more ridiculous, check out the exemplary life Ms. Hall has led since her days as a career criminal …

Since the theft, she had put herself through college, receiving a degree in architecture, and now she helps design jet engines for Pratt & Whitney in Connecticut.

Clearly she’s a flight risk, right? What is wrong with these people? Here’s the official explanation:

The Brevard County Jail will not let her post bail because it’s an Orange County charge and she has to be transferred. However, because of the weekend and holiday, that might not be until Thursday.

That’s a bunch of bureaucratic bullshit. The Juice is not pleased with this “case.” Here’s the source, including a video news story.

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There she goes again, doing stuff for other people. Sure, the breaking-into-homes-to-clean-them part isn’t cool, but this? As reported by fox19.com:

Susan Warren also known as “The Cleaning Fairy” was back in police custody today but this time it wasn’t for breaking into homes to clean them; this time she was shoveling driveways without permission.

My snow! Not my snow! You beastly, wicked woman!

Elyria Police went to a home on Brandtson Avenue today for a report of a “suspicious female” shoveling a driveway without the homeowner’s consent.

Really? You couldn’t figure out that she was looking for some money by shoveling the driveway?

During questioning, the officer discovered that 53-year-old Susan Warren had a warrant through Cuyahoga County Sheriff’s Office for probation violation.

Oops.

In November of 2012, Warren was sentenced to one year of probation for breaking into a Westlake home, cleaning it and leaving a $75 bill for the homeowner on a napkin.

She said that it wasn’t uncommon for her to go into homes and clean them and that she never had a problem before that.

Now it’s getting a little creepy. But back to the snow shoveling …

Although Warren was arrested on the warrant, no charges were brought up for shoveling the snow.

And that’s as it should be. Click here for the source, including a photo of Ms. Warren.

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If something’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right. Okay, so maybe that doesn’t really apply to robbing banks. But still, the same sunglasses? Every time? As reported by The Belleville News-Democrat:

A serial bank robber responsible for more than a dozen bank robberies spanning seven states, including two in the metro-east, is now behind bars, according to FBI officials.

The robber dubbed the “Ray Bandit” for his tendency to wear Ray Ban-type sunglasses was identified as Jeremy Evans of Carol Stream in DuPage County.

Tendency?

The description of the “Ray Bandit” in all these robberies was similar: a white male, approximately 5-foot-8 to 6-foot tall, heavyset, wearing disguises ranging from a beard, either black or blond hair usually covered with a hat of some type, a plaid shirt and Ray Ban-type sunglasses.

So the dude changed all these other things, but wore the same shades each time? Brilliant! You can read more (a lot) here.

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