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urine%20cup%20drink%20glass%20straw.jpg Ohio resident Alan David Patton went to great lengths to collect urine … so he could drink it. So a father and his son were trying to use a restroom at Sports Ohio. Per the Columbus Local News:

The father told police there were trash bags covering the toilets and paper cups in the urinals, as well as typed signs in the restroom directing people to use the urinals with the cups in them.

While in the restroom, the father told police he opened a stall and saw a man, sitting on the toilet with a black bag on his lap.

Um, er, nevermind. Mr. Patton was arrested and charged with criminal mischief.

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mad%20angry%20cow%20unhappy%20pissed%20off%20upset.jpg If nothing else, that’s gotta bring some seriously bad karma. As reported by the AP,

Police [in Rogers, Arkansas] are conducting an internal investigation into an allegation that a lieutenant used his stun gun to shock a cow and shared a videotape of the incident with other department employees.

Police Chief Steve Helms said Tuesday the inquiry began after he received a complaint from the group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. A letter dated Feb. 11 from PETA representative Stephanie Bell complained that Lt. David Mitchell filmed himself using the electronic stun device on the cow.

Bell said in the letter that Mitchell distributed the video as a joke among friends and co-workers and she notes that animal cruelty is a misdemeanor crime in Arkansas.

Helms didn’t immediately return a call for comment on Wednesday. City Attorney Ben Lipscomb said Tuesday that the alleged incident happened 2 1/2 years ago, which would be beyond the statute of limitations for misdemeanors. Lipscomb said there would be no point in pursuing a criminal investigation.

Helms said a captain in the department will conduct the investigation and Mitchell will remain on regular duty.

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Hey man, I just find the news. I don’t make this stuff up. I’m not sure I could. Darin Cassler of Burlington, Vermont was arrested for starting a pillow fight, albeit a large one. As reported by The Burlington Free Press:

The pillow pugilism broke out Friday afternoon on Church Street and involved perhaps 50 people, according to a video organizers posted on the social-networking site Facebook. The “fight” wrapped up in less than two minutes, and then a police officer strolled up to the scrum, removed Cassler from the crowd and led him away by the left arm, according to the video.

Asinine. The charge?

[Cpl. Paul] Glynn issued Cassler a citation for disorderly conduct, a misdemeanor that carries a maximum sentence of 60 days in jail and $500 in fines. The statute requires a person to have acted with “intent to cause public inconvenience, or annoyance or recklessly creating a risk thereof” by engaging in “fighting or in violent, tumultuous or threatening behavior,” making “unreasonable” noise, using “abusive or obscene language” in public, disturbing a legal assembly or meeting, or obstructing vehicle or pedestrian traffic.

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Forget about flying first class. Men may soon be asking for “Martz” class. Why? Pilot Martz was flying a helicopter while receiving oral sex from a porn actress! How do we know this? It’s on video! (“The video shows the woman disrobing before engaging Martz in a sex act while the San Diego landscape is passing by the [ahem] cockpit windows,” as reported by the San Diego Union-Tribune.)

In his defense (in filings relating to his pilot’s license) Martz “… said … that the video showed he had his hands on the flight controls while receiving oral sex.” Shazam! I guess if you’re going to fight it, you have to offer something up. So what happened?

[The] judge has upheld the revocation of the license …

Is there any future (in flying) for Mr. Martz?

[He] … will have to reapply for his license next year when the revocation ends.

Did his past record play a part? Perhaps …

Martz is a commercial pilot with a history of FAA violations, including two license suspensions and two revocations going back to the 1980s.

Furthermore…

Lawyers for the federal agency argued Martz’s conduct was careless and reckless. His attention was diverted from flying; the woman’s position prevented him from reaching flight controls; and she could have caused him physical harm that would have precluded him from operating the helicopter, according to Ian Gregor, an FAA spokesman.

And, um, you’ve read Martz’s defense. [Also, “Martz has argued that since the 2005 incident, he served a suspension last year on an unrelated matter and had corrected any defects in his flying skills.”] “Hence, careless and recklessness cannot be made as a finding of fact,” according to Martz’s filing.

Um, yes, they can. The end? Not necessarily. “Martz can appeal the ruling to the NTSB.”

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You know the expression “throwing money out the window?” How about “money to burn?” Well, a man in Taiwan DID BOTH, and was arrested and “charged with public endangerment and destruction of currency,” as reported by news.com.au.

The man tossed the bills [$1 million Taiwan ($30,000 US)] from a taxi in a crowded part of Taichung city on Sunday as people stopped to pick up the cash, Changhua police official Lin Shih-ming said.

That’s not all.

He is believed to have thrown heaps more money on an earlier road trip starting in the capital Taipei.

And …

The man also burned about T$400,000 and had two more sacks of cash …

Why? “He might have had a nervous condition, as his state of mind wasn’t normal,” Lin said. Indeed. And where did the money come from?

“… apparently [from] the proceeds of a property sale …”

Throwing any chance of a good tip right out the window [bah da bing], the taxi driver turned our monied friend over to the police.

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boxing%2520glove.jpgDefendant Richard Glawson can forget about jury sympathy. After the judge refused the prosecutor’s request to have Glawson shackled, he sucker-punched an elderly juror, then had to be pulled off of him. Sure, hindsight is 20/20. In this case, though, foresight should have been easy enough. glawson.jpg

Here’s what Glawson (see photo) is accused of doing during a two-day crime spree: robbing a house, starting a shootout at a mall, carjacking a woman, breaking into another home, shooting a disabled man’s dog, carjacking two more vehicles, and shooting a police officer in the hand. What the hell do you have to be accused of to warrant shackles?

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Seriously, you banned karaoke, Lilburn, Georgia? And it lasted 2 years? I’m guessing those lawmakers must have hatedFootloose.” All that dancing and music … As reported in The Atlanta Journal Constitution:

Sing your hearts out, Lilburn. Now, it’s allowed. Two years after the city put the kibosh on karaoke in an effort to curtail crime, leaders have relaxed their liquor law to permit karaoke and other forms of “interactive” entertainment, including trivia, darts and pool, at restaurants that sell alcohol.

Why the change in tune? [Ouch.] To attract and keep businesses and young adults.

“Lilburn has matured, and we want to keep it vibrant,” said Mayor Diana Preston. “Our focus is keeping our business community strong and that means a diversity of businesses.”

And, she said, Lilburn — which bans bars — wants to accommodate its young adults, who enjoy pub atmospheres.

Lilburn officials had tightened up its alcohol ordinance in 2007 amid controversy over Sports Fan Bar and Grill. The City Council had argued that crime follows bars, and they believed Sports Fan was a bar masquerading as a restaurant.

So leaders clamped down on common bar activities such as karaoke. The action stirred debate, with some accusing Lilburn of closing the tap on good times. Sports Fan shut down last year.

The City Council approved the ordinance revisions Monday night. Lilburn’s liquor laws now compare to Gwinnett County’s.

Thor Johnson, president of the Lilburn Business Association, said the change has been a long time coming. “Chain restaurants will not move into a community like this because restrictions we’ve had in the past,” Johnson said.

But what about crime? Preston said that’s no longer a concern given the number of police officers and the creation of the alcohol review board.

City Clerk Kathy Maner acknowledges that Lilburn officials are “walking a fine line. [Leaders] want to make Lilburn a business-friendly city as well as make sure their citizens are protected.”

Oyster Barn Grill & Bar had pulled its pool tables and video games during the 2007 clamp down. New owner Bob Carmen said he’s indifferent to the revisions and doesn’t plan to add entertainment options. “We frankly found the law to be provincial, but our objective is to be a good popular restaurant,” he said.

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Yes, a 2-year-old girl left a Hollywood Video store in New York with more than $1,000 of video games in her stroller! Sure, some might argue I should also mention that, per the Albany Times Union,

Police said [the girl’s stepfather] Miguel Angel Rodriguez, 20, hid …[the] games in the stroller, then left the Hollywood Video store …

Not to worry, though, an intrepid store employee was on the case, following the gentleman into the parking lot.

Police said the employee took the games back, but Rodriguez refused to wait for police to arrive. Instead … he pushed the stroller into the nearby Wal-Mart where he tried to blend in with the crowd of last-minute Easter shoppers.

Fuhgeddaboutit.

The video store employee followed Rodriguez into the Wal-Mart, talking to police on his cellphone as he guided them to the suspect, police said. Rodriguez was still holding onto the stroller when police said they arrested him in front of dozens of shoppers.

The charges? Attempted grand larceny and acting in a manner injurious to a child. Using a 2-year-old? Uncool. Very uncool.

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For real. Apparently it wasn’t the first time Michael Rainey’s cat mistook neighbor Joseph Loflin’s yard for a litter box. As reported by Click2Houston.com:

“‘Your cat has been back there defecating in my back yard,'” [former police officer] Loflin said he told his neighbor. “I used the slang word, the four-letter word to describe what the cat was doing.”

The “slang word?”

Both men agree that Loflin used the “s” word. Rainey said his 13-year-old daughter was nearby.

Not the S-bomb! Now it’s on.

“I said, ‘Look, I’ve asked you twice. This is the third time. Don’t use that language in front of my daughter,'” Rainey said he told Loflin. “That’s when he responded, ‘There’s nothing wrong with the word, and if I want to use the word, I’ll use the word.'”

Uh huh. So there’s a 13-year-old out there who hasn’t heard the word “shit” before? He probably thinks his daughter isn’t on Facebook … So how did the police get involved?

“I didn’t call him a filthy name,” Loflin said. “I didn’t call him … I didn’t use any profanity towards him. I used it as a noun, then I used it as an adverb to describe what his cat was doing. I think it was greatly taken out of context.” After Loflin threatened to get a trap, Rainey called the police. The police wrote Loflin a ticket for disorderly conduct because of language.

The Juice is glad to hear that Mr. Loflin will fight this asinine ticket.

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If you want your horse to race in North America, the name must be approved by the Jockey Club. Andy Hillis wanted to name his horse “Nutzapper” after hearing it used in a joke on the Tonight Show. So Hillis told the Jockey Club (as reported in Slate) that he wanted the name because (prepare to dab away the tears) “as a young boy in Canada, he loved to zap walnuts in boiling oil and sprinkle them on salads.” With this explanation, the name was approved. Then Hillis just had to crow to a reporter that he’d never been to Canada, and had made up the whole story.

The racing gods were not amused. They zapped the name almost immediately. Hillis sued and he … lost! Just like the Jockey Club knew he would, because they had recently won a similar suit. (“Nutzapper” is now known as “Awaiting Justice.” Lame.) So what are the Jockey Club’s naming rules?

No horse can have a name longer than 18 characters, a name that breaches a copyright or has obvious commercial significance, or the name of a “notorious” person. Emphatically forbidden are “names that are suggestive or have a vulgar or obscene meaning; names considered in poor taste; or names that may be offensive to religious, political or ethnic groups.”

Now that you know the rules, you might be surprised that the following names have been approved by the Jockey Club:

Nut Buster (1942)
Pussy Galore (1965),
Blow Me (1945)
Get It On (both 1971 and 1986)
On Your Knees (1977 and 2005)
Spank It (1985)
Go Down (1963)
Jail Bait (1947 and 1983)
Barely Legal (1982 and 1989)
Date More Minors (1998)
Cunning Stunt (1969)
Lagnaf (1978) [“let’s all get naked and …]
Golden Shower (1955)
Cherry Pop (1961 and 1978)
Cum Rocket (1969)
Ménage Á Trois (1974)
She’s Easy (1978)
Adultress (1979)
Strip Teaser (1980)
Rhythm Method (1982)
Bodacious Tatas (1985)
Tit’n Your Girdle (1988)
Kinky Lingerie (1991)
Hard Like a Rock (1995)
Sexual Harassment (1997)
X Rated Fantasy (1999)

The above comes from a great article in Slate by T.D. Thornton that you can find here.

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