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The Juice is feeling it just thinking about pounding 20 beers. But that’s exactly what a 26-year-old Kalamazoo, Michigan man did. Fortunately he did not succeed with what he set out to do after the binge. He did do some damage though, including a pretty disgusting grand finale. As reported by mlive.com:

Kalamazoo Department of Public Safety Assistant Chief Brian Uridge said the man told officers he was feeling depressed, went to the top of the Radisson [Plaza Hotel & Suites] ramp at 100 N. Rose St. and drank 20 beers to “get enough courage to commit suicide,” Uridge said.

The man, whose name has not been released, then proceeded to drive out of the ramp and struck eight vehicles, causing $75,000 worth of damage.

You’re probably wondering about the grand finale?

The man then got on top of a car and defecated on it, Uridge said.

Perhaps it was a symbolic act, with the car representing his life, or him, or … who knows. At least he didn’t kill himself.

Uridge said the man was arrested at about 3 p.m. on suspicion of drunken driving with a blood-alcohol level of 0.17 or higher, which under state law is called “super drunk.” Police did not release the man’s BAC Friday.

Here’s the source.

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It’s 3:30 a.m. What’s the rush? That would be a good question to ask Mr. Warren Melamed. As reported by www.newschannel5.com:

Mount Juliet Police say the two ambulance drivers were taking a patient out of a home on a stretcher at 3:30 Saturday morning, when they say, Melamed, attempted to drive the ambulance away.

“They immediately laid the patient down and asked the gentlemen to get himself out from behind the wheel,” said Wilson Co. Emergency Management Director John Jewell.

Police say the Brentwood resident was angry because the ambulance was blocking him in, and he was trying to move it.

The Juice concurs with this neighbor.

“What’s the urgency at 3, 3:30 in the morning? Why do you have to leave that quickly that you can’t wait until they load this man up and get him where he needs to be,” said neighbor Amanda Hamblen. “That person having that emergency right then is the only person that matters.”

So, what happened to Mr. Melamed?

[He] was arrested and charged with a misdemeanor, unauthorized use of a class A vehicle.

Hmm. And who is this fellow anyway?

Online Melamed lists himself as CEO of Oral Health Management, a local chain of dentist offices. Calls Tuesday for comment weren’t returned.

Oh my. That’s not going to be good for business.

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This man, just convicted of sexual battery and facing 20 years to life, just walks right out of the courtroom, and the courthouse? Yup. As reported by The Times-Picayune:

Orleans Parish Sheriff Marlin Gusman said his office is reviewing just how a freshly convicted sex offender simply walked out of a criminal courtroom, down the steps of the courthouse and out of sight before anyone noticed.

Gusman’s office also released a photo of Teddy Magee, who faces 20 years to life in prison after a jury convicted him of second-degree sexual battery Monday, despite the victim’s support during the trial.

How did it happen?

Following the verdict, the woman grew hysterical, and as Criminal District Court Judge Benedict Willard and lawyers were discussing a possible appeal bond for Magee, the defendant apparently walked to the back of the courtroom and out the door.

So nobody was responsible for keeping tabs on a violent sex offender?

In a news release, Gusman said his office was looking into whether any policies or procedures were broken.

See, apparently there’s a simple explanation.

“One deputy was escorting the jury out, and you had the other with the situation about the woman doing what she was doing [acting hysterical]. All that was part of the process of what was going on,” Ehrhardt said.

Really? That’s it? A minor distraction, and a felon walks right out of the courthouse? You can read more here.

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The Juice is not aware of any stats on the quickest violation of a protective order. If any such compendium existed, this case would have to be near the top. As reported by sonomanews.com:

Deputies didn’t have to go far to arrest an individual who had violated a court order – he was still in jail. The man had been arrested earlier that morning on a domestic violence charge and was served with an emergency protective order forbidding him or any third party from having any contact with his wife. The man called his wife three times from the county jail, leaving messages on her answering machine. The man’s grandmother also called the wife and left a message saying she was going to bail her grandson out. The man, who was still in jail, had a probation violation and disobeying a court order added to the charges he’s facing.

A two-fer! Violations by calling directly, and through granny. Brilliant!

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Generally, when you get plastered, it’s a good idea to just sleep it off. Ah, but it’s very important where you chose to do so. Just ask this gent from Kentucky. As reported by wdrb.com (Louisville, KY):

According to the arrest slip, around 6:30 a.m. Saturday police responded to reports of a vehicle facing north in the southbound lane near the 4400 block of Shepherdsville Road. When police arrived at the scene, they found 21-year-old Cruz Santiago at the wheel.

Okay. They found him at the wheel. So what’s the problem?

Police say the 2008 Pontiac was running and in gear, and that Santiago was asleep at the wheel with his foot on the brake as the car inched forward. When confronted, Santiago said Santiago smelled of alcohol, had bloodshot eyes and was unsteady on his feet.

Big, big problem. Dude could have killed someone.

Santiago failed a field sobriety test, police say, and registered .184 on a portable breathalyzer test.

He was arrested and charged with one count of DUI.

You’ll find the source, including a mug shot, here.

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If you’re this lady, you plunder her home! And then do it again! The plunderer’s timing wasn’t the best, as reported by The Tampa Bay Times:

At first, on Wednesday, she helped herself to some craft supplies. And a knife. A purse. One hundred CDs. The window curtains.

Shellie Leonard wanted more, authorities said, and on Thursday she went back to her neighbor’s house on Dalwood Drive with plans to steal a computer and electronics. Her neighbor was incarcerated at the Pasco County jail.

But, and this is a big “but” …

But Thursday happened to be the day the neighbor came home — and caught Leonard stealing, the Pasco County Sheriff’s Office said.

Doh!

Leonard, 43, of 4004 Darlington Road in Holiday, was arrested and charged with two counts of burglary.

Leonard remained Friday at the Pasco jail in lieu of $10,500 bail.

Should be an extra charge for hitting someone when they’re down.

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This story is truly wacky. First, you have a Proctor, Minnesota man who took a La-Z-Boy chair and put a lawnmower motor in it, and a steering wheel. Per the Duluth News Tribune, “It has a stereo, cup holders and other custom options, including different power levels.” All tricked out and no place to go? Not exactly. Dennis LeRoy Anderson (62!) took his chair out on the town. And got lit. Then he took to the streets – and crashed into a parked car! How drunk was he? Really, really drunk (.29). Oh, and …

He has one prior DWI conviction.

Doh! In fairness, I should mention that Mr. Anderson offered an explanation for the accident:

Anderson claimed he was driving the chair fine until a woman jumped on it and knocked the chair off course.

Curse you woman! You know the crime (he pleaded guilty). The time?

Judge Heather Sweetland sentenced Anderson to 180 days in the St. Louis County Jail or at the Northeast Regional Corrections Center and fined him $2,000 plus court fees. She stayed the jail time and one-half of the fine for two years of supervised probation. As conditions of his probation, Anderson must submit to a chemical dependency assessment, follow all recommendations, abstain from alcohol and unprescribed drugs, be subject to random testing and undergo 30 days of electronic monitoring.

 

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Can you really get four years in prison for driving a riding mower through town? Yes, you can. As you might expect, there’s more to it than that. As reported by qconline.com:

For the sixth time in his life, William “Pete” White is heading to the Illinois Department of Corrections.

 A Mercer County judge sentenced the former Viola man Tuesday to four years in prison for driving with a revoked license back on July 18, 2011.

Mr. White, 43, was arrested for driving a riding mower through town.

Mr. White’s defense attorney, Dan Dalton, argued he never had seen someone sent to prison for driving a mower.

Maybe so. But how many folks who drive mowers through town on a suspended license have a record like this?

Judge Greg Chickris said he also considered other factors, such as Mr. White’s 57 prior convictions for various criminal felony and misdemeanor offenses, the first when he was 15 years old.

”

Note: That’s 57 convictions. Yikes.

He (Mr. White) was basically on a crime spree here,” Judge Chickris said. “He has a horrendous history of prior delinquency and criminal activity.”

This was Mr. White’s 11th conviction for driving on a revoked license, according to Mercer County Probation and Court Services Director Vicky Hansen. He has been convicted six times for driving under the influence of alcohol, she said.

Wow.

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It’s really nice when a 4-year-old brings snacks to school to share with his friends, right? Well, let’s just say the boy’s intentions were good. As reported by news4jax.com:

Police in Connecticut are investigating after they say a 4-year-old special needs student brought nine bags of marijuana to school and offered it to his friends during snack time.

Meriden police planned to seek an arrest warrant for the boy’s mother on charges of risk of injury to a child, possession of a controlled substance and intent to sell, according to the Meriden Record-Journal.

A teacher at Hanover Elementary School called police Tuesday after seeing the student produce the drugs, which appeared to be wrapped for sale, NBC Connecticut reported.

Here’s the source.

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It should go without saying that every kid ought to hear “the talk” from his parents. But a 42-year-old British dad apparently wanted to go the extra mile for his 14-year-old son – by hooking him up (sorry) with a prostitute! Alas, the woman dad approached was … a cop! And, of course, now dad is ashamed.

The father’s barrister Matthew Smith said: “There is a thorough sense of shame the defendant feels.

Said the Judge, per the BBC News:

What you were doing that night was to expose your 14-year-old son to a prostitute because you didn’t know she was a police officer.

You have a duty of care to your son and that is to look after his moral welfare not, as you might think, to break him into the ways of sex through a prostitute.

So dad pleaded guilty to attempting to solicit a woman to have sex with a minor. Jail time?

Judge Jonathan Teare said he was not sending the father to prison because of his previous excellent character and that he believed he did not mean any harm to his son.

Mr. Smith added that the boy would be allowed to continue to live with his father.

But …

[dad] will be placed on the sex offenders register for five years.

Go figure. A man of “previous excellent character” who retains custody of his son is put on the sex offenders registry? Huh? Here’s the source.