Squeezed on:

By

armor.jpg

So Matt McChesney, a School Resource officer at a middle school in Mesa County Colorado, is just strolling the hall in his body armor. His WHAT? The school resource officer needs body armor? This is my first question at back-to-school night.

Anyway, at least one eighth-grade boy knows where the body armor stops, and the body begins. We know this because the kid stopped in front of McChesney, and drilled him – real hard – right below the armor-line. Said Mr. McChesney in his report:

This was not an accidental bump in the hallway. This deliberate punch was delivered with considerable force which knocked the breath out of my lungs.

Shazam! What happened to the little miscreant? He was arrested, and sent home with mommy. He will likely be charged with second-degree assault on a peace officer.

(McChesney has since upgraded his body armor from the suit pictured above [Type II], to the suit pictured below. It’s go time, punk.)

Continue reading →
Squeezed on:

By

tickle.jpg This Thomas Blacine is one weird dude. (Though that is apparently urine in the photo below, it’s not Mr. Blacine.) He has been breaking into women’s homes, naked, and tickling them while they sleep. And videotaping them while they sleep. And peeing in at least one woman’s milk container!

Now he obviosly likes the way Linda Combs looks while she’s sleeping – because he’s hit her house twice! “I felt something on my leg and thought it was my cat and I look up and it was this naked guy, and he ran again,” said Ms. Combs. Surely she must be able to describe him?

“Well, not really. I would recognize him more if there was a shot of his skinny, white butt. The second time he was naked as could be.”

Continue reading →
Squeezed on:

By

Hungry1995.jpg Fifty-year old Jim Nelson had been living in a tent outside a ski resort in British Columbia. After fasting for 60 days to attain spiritual perfection, he bagged it, and went into town. When he reached an upscale home, he threw a rock through the window and made himself at home. In Court, here’s what Mr. Nelson admitted to (in addition to breaking into the house):

He opened the presents looking for chocolates, raided the fridge and cupboards searching for delicacies, pigged out on cups of tea, chili, cream cheese and tortillas. He then puked and defecated in plastic bags before slipping into a stupor and curling up on the floor.

So, guilty right? Wrong! Judge Moss acquitted Mr. Nelson, whose defense was “necessity.” Said the judge:

Your actions were disgusting and foul, certainly so far as the homeowner is concerned. But that kind of action in and of itself presents to me clear evidence that your mind was extremely troubled and that you should not be found guilty.

animalhouse310.jpg Really! For god’s sake, Jim, at least you could have used the toilet! The B.C. government, following in the footsteps of John “Bluto” Blutarsky, declared “Nothing is over until we decide it is.” Actually, they just appealed and … won. A new trial has been ordered. For more on Mr. Nelson, click here.

Squeezed on:

By

punching800_600.jpg

So Shelley Gallant was approaching the 12-mile mark of the Chicago Marathon last Sunday when, out of the blue, a man she didn’t know “came out of nowhere” and sucker-punched her in the face! And she crumbled to the ground. She stopped running right? Nope. She sat down, dazed, for about 30 minutes, and then ran another 8 miles before the race was terminated due to the heat. Oh, and she vomited 4 times. Tough lady. Does she want revenge? Nope. Said Ms. Gallant:

I don’t want to press charges. I just want to know what happened. Was he out of his mind? Why did he do that to me?

And what did police tell Mr. Gallant, who was at the race but did not see the attack? Only that the attacker “was apparently low on electrolytes.” Gee, thanks officer. Here are a few comments from runners who witnessed the attack:

We were running on the left side of the course when, suddenly, a runner on the other side of the course turned around and starting running in a curve towards our side of the course. He was wearing a red top and looked to be in his 20’s. He was yelling and screaming, and, without warning, ran up to a young woman, running nearer our side of the course, and punched her in the face. It was a wild hay maker that connected. She had no chance to defend herself and anyone with her would have had no way to protect her. She went down. In the few seconds it took for us to reach her, some runners had grabbed the berserk young man and others were giving aid to the young woman, who was in tears and utterly distraught. We saw no sign that she could have done or said anything to him that would trigger such a violent reaction…Pat Dooley, Cleveland

It was pretty appalling. What I distinctly recall is that he was running against the crowd as if to find someone behind him. He looked angry and was zigzagging around the runners. It seemed like this poor woman got in the way and within a second of crashing into her, he just punched her and she went down. He kept running and was tackled within 10 seconds or so. Once the cops arrived and the guy was restrained, he was crying….Martha-Victoria Diaz, South Loop

It was extremely strange…Either the guy lost his mind because of the heat, was off his meds, or was upset about something this woman did and attacked her. Anyone know what happened to this guy?….Ryan McQueeney, LaGrange Park

To read more, click here.

Squeezed on:

By

judge.gif One of Kansas Judge Rebecca Pilshaw’s bad days came as she was trying to empanel a jury in a murder case. Loyal readers know the Juice hates jury weasels. But nobody hates folks who try to avoid jury duty more than judges. There was a little of that going on. As reported in The Kansan:

One prospective juror said she wouldn’t believe anything the police said. Pilshaw dismissed her from service, but ordered her to attend every day of the trial because, “You need an opportunity to be exposed more to our law enforcement personnel.”

Then Judge Pilshaw lost it (at least, for a judge, this is considered losing it) and said:

Anybody else want to mess with me?

Actually, Pilshaw thought another juror did.

Later, a juror said her religious beliefs made it uncomfortable for her to judge someone else and that anyone on trial must be guilty of something. Pilshaw said she thought the woman simply didn’t want to serve on a jury, but had “said the magic words” to be dismissed.

Judge Pilshaw apologized the next day. Ironically, her outburst opened up the door, literally, for two more jurors to be excused! How? Because the Judge said that anybody who felt inimidated could leave, and two opportunistic jurors did. The defendant in the case was convicted of murder, appealed, and … lost. The Kansas Supreme Court held that the trial was not tainted by Judge Pilshaw’s conduct. And what about Judge Pilshaw? Her disciplinary case is pending. Here’s hoping she gets just a reprimand.

Squeezed on:

By

wizard.png His name: Robert Brett-Deans. But, when asked by the judge to confirm his name, Brett-Deans replied:

Hang on, I have had a name change. I said this the last time we was here. For future reference, I have changed my name to The Jason.

What did The Jason do? He’s been charged with one count of conspiring to commit false imprisonment and two counts of possessing the proceeds of crime. Although The Jason has no fixed address, police found £500,000 ($1,000,000 US) in cash, along with sledgehammers, balaclavas, superglue, rope and batteries. And where did the money come from? Wizardry, probably. Here’s what The Jason told the Court:

I’m serious about everything I do. I am also a wizard of the Round Table and I am a master manipulator. In other words, I can do magic.

There will be no white flag going up on my ship and I will also help you all so I can put your minds at rest. I’m not playing games with you all. I do not play games.

In mythical terms, be careful in everything that you might do because you might just find yourselves opening Pandora’s box and, as you might know, the only thing left in the box was hope.

To the police detectives, The Jason said “I wish you good luck because you will need it.” So is he fit to stand trial? Yes, according to a psychiatric report. Is he a wizard? If so, he’s not a very good one, since he was returned to jail pending his trial.

Squeezed on:

By

razor_blade.jpg (The above scene from “Diner” involves something else that ended up in some movie popcorn.) Sagrado Martinez took her kids to a movie in Tucson, Arizona. Little did she know that this would be a movie experience she would never forget – but not because of the movie. Everything was good, until she took a bite of popcorn, and bit into a razor blade! She was treated at the hospital for a cut to the palate of her mouth, and had to get a tetanus shot. Now – how the hell did a razor blade end up in a bag of popcorn? Is she going to sue? She’s thinking it over.

Squeezed on:

By

duck%20fight.jpg

Remember the neighborhood kid who used to stick a firecracker in a tadpole’s mouth and light it? Or the kid who smeared lightning bugs on each fingernail and proudly held up his hands? No? (And no, it wasn’t me!) Anyway, that kid would have felt right at home at the annual fiesta in Sagunto, Spain. The fiesta featured one strange tradition. In honor of the local patron saint, revellers would fight over specially-bred ducks that have had their wings clipped and can’t fly. Guess what happens to the ducks? They are torn to pieces, literally. The Supreme Court has banned the tradition, calling it a “bloody spectacle.” You can read more (not much) here.

Squeezed on:

By

brand%20new.jpg

Due to popular demand (okay, by me), Legal Juice now features an e-mail subscription option. On the home page, on the right, just enter your e-mail address in the “Subscribe by Email” box. You’ll then get an e-mail each day with a few sentences about (and a link to) each day’s entry.

Submissions! If you have a submission for Legal Juice, please send it to me via the “Suggest A Story” box on the right side of the home page. Let me know if you want props in the post, or if you wish to remain anonymous.

Search! You can, with the “Search This Blog” feature on the right side of the home page.

Continue reading →
Squeezed on:

By

horse081006_536x700.jpgIf you want your horse to race in North America, the name must be approved by the Jockey Club. Andy Hillis wanted to name his horse “Nutzapper” after hearing it used in a joke on the Tonight Show. So Hillis told the Jockey Club (as reported in Slate) that he wanted the name because (prepare to dab away the tears) “as a young boy in Canada, he loved to zap walnuts in boiling oil and sprinkle them on salads.” With this explanation, the name was approved. Then Hillis just had to crow to a reporter that he’d never been to Canada, and had made up the whole story.

The racing gods were not amused. They zapped the name almost immediately. Hillis sued and he … lost! Just like the Jockey Club knew he would, because they had recently won a similar suit. (“Nutzapper” is now known as “Awaiting Justice.” Lame.) So what are the Jockey Club’s naming rules?

No horse can have a name longer than 18 characters, a name that breaches a copyright or has obvious commercial significance, or the name of a “notorious” person. Emphatically forbidden are “names that are suggestive or have a vulgar or obscene meaning; names considered in poor taste; or names that may be offensive to religious, political or ethnic groups.”

Now that you know the rules, you might be surprised that the following names have been approved by the Jockey Club:

Nut Buster (1942)

Continue reading →
By
Posted in: Wacky
Squeezed on:
Updated: