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Regular readers know that the Juice is not fond of folks who try to weasel out of jury duty. But this is one of the more idiotic methods I’ve seen employed (but did it work?). As reported by the Bozeman Daily Chronicle:

Erik Slye, a Belgrade auto painter in his mid-30s, was summoned to appear for jury duty on Jan. 26 by District Judge John Brown’s court. Slye, who had previously told the court that he could not take time off from work to serve on a jury, responded with a written tirade of insults and profanities that landed him in front of the judge last week. His wife now says she wrote the affidavit, even though her husband signed it.

So what did it say? [From The Smoking Gun]

Apparently you morons didn’t understand me the first time. I CANNOT take time off from work. I’m not putting my familys well being at stake to participate in this crap. I don’t believe in our “justice” system and I don’t want to have a goddam thing to do with it. Jury duty is a complete waste of time. I would rather count the wrinkles on my dogs balls than sit on a jury . Get it through your thick skulls. Leave me the F__k alone.

You sent this to the court? What the hell were you thinking? And what did the Court have to say?

… the note landed Erik Slye in front of Judge Brown. On April 21, Brown had Slye read the entire note aloud in court.

Um, er, oh. Did I say that?

“Mr. Slye, do you think I’m a moron?” Brown asked after he was finished.

Erik Slye said no, and apologized to Brown and the clerks of the court.

The result?

[Judge] Brown excused Erik Slye with a warning.

Slye’s wife apparently learned nothing from the ordeal.

Asked if she had any advice for others trying to get out of jury duty, she offered only this: “Freedom of speech doesn’t apply to jury affidavits.”

You can read a few more jury weasel posts here and here.

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Let’s just say that, suddenly, I’m much happier with “John.” The name? “Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii.” Really. Per the Taranaki Daily News:

[Family Court Judge Rob Murfitt] was so worried about the effect on the girl [who was the subject of a custody hearing] he ordered her to be temporarily placed under the guardianship of the court so a suitable name could be chosen.

Here are some other names Judge Murfitt cited in his opinion:

Number 16 Bus Shelter

Benson and Hedges (twins)


Midnight Chardonnay

Fish and Chips (yes, twins)

Yeah Detroit

Spiral Cicada


Fat Boy

Cinderella Beauty Blossom

Twisty Poi

Keenan Got Lucky

Sex Fruit

Said the Judge:

While the ideal of seeking a unique name could not be criticised “these parents have failed in exercising the first and important task of parenthood”. He said it was not “a time to be frivolous or to create a hurdle for their child’s future life.”

Why does the New Zealand government have any say in what people name their kids?

Section 18 of the Births, Deaths and Marriages Registration Act 1995 allows the Registrar to refuse registration if:

(a) it might cause offence to a reasonable person; or

(b) it is unreasonably long; or

(c) without justification, it is, includes, or resembles, an official title or rank.

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Did you know that eight is a very lucky number in China. Know why? Per the BBC:

The number eight is considered auspicious in China because it sounds similar to the word for “to make money”.

There are five Chinese guys who are most likely cursing the number eight right about now. Here’s why:

A Beijing court has jailed and fined five men for fighting over a “lucky” licence plate containing the auspicious number 8888, Chinese media report.

License plates are issued a little differently in China than they are in the States.

The men used knives and clubs to beat anyone who came near a machine issuing the number plates at a Beijing vehicle registration centre, Beijing News said.

The incident occurred in July last year as number plates ending with the numbers “8888” were about to be issued, the reports said.

Several people were injured, one of them seriously, it added.

That’s the crime. The time?

Three men were sentenced to one year in jail. All were ordered to pay $8,000 (£5,000) to compensate the victims.

The ringleader, identified only as Xu, had paid four accomplices 10,000 yuan ($1,500) to guard the machine.

How about this vanity plate: H8TE 8.

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Perhaps this doctor was absent when they discussed the “doctor/patient relationship” in medical school. If the evidence that led to his “summary suspension” holds up when there is a full-blown hearing, it’s goodbye “Dr. Perry,” and hello “Mr. Perry.” As set forth in the “Order of Suspension” issued 2 days ago by the Tennessee Board of Medical Examiners:

Evidence was presented to the Board that [Dr. Larry E. Perry, while in the examination room with a female patient, exposed his penis and urged the patient to perform oral sex on him. The patient refused to do so initially, and then offered to do so if [Dr. Perry] would increase the amount of Xanax that he was prescribing for her. [Dr. Perry] agreed to increase the patient’s Xanax dosage from twice a day to three times a day and the patient then performed oral sex on [Dr. Perry].

And if that’s not enough …

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As a daily bicycle commuter, it pains me to blast a fellow cyclist. All I can say about this gent is … DUDE! From The Cairns Post:

A drunken cyclist wobbled along a highway before falling off his bike into a ditch in front of police.

Police say the 26-year-old Feluga man’s blood alcohol concentration was more than five times the limit when they breath-tested him after he crashed on the Bruce Highway at Tully.

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If you watch football or basketball, no doubt you’ve heard announcers say that a team will continue running a certain play until their opponent is able to stop it. Well, it seems a bank robber in Florida subscribes to the same theory. Per The South Florida Sun-Sentinel:

Authorities are on the lookout for a robber with some brand loyalty: He’s struck the same bank so many times, the tellers recognize him.

“It’s him again,” one of them said during the latest heist on Saturday, according to the Broward Sheriff’s Office.

The man has targeted the BankAtlantic branch at 4211 W. Commercial Blvd., four times since Feb. 1.

Officials described him as a portly man with dread-locks.

You’re probably thinking “is this guy nuts?” But consider this:

He has worn a different outfit for each heist.

On Saturday, he wore black pants, a black T-shirt, dark gloves with red stripes and a black hat with red and yellow stripes. He ordered two tellers to stuff cash into a white, plastic grocery bag, then casually walked away, the Sheriff’s Office said.


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OMG, that is a sausage in your pants! A bunch of them, as it turns out. Per The Cairns Post:

A man has been caught stuffing sausages down his pants in a bizarre alleged theft at an Innisfail supermarket.

The 38-year-old Innisfail man was charged with stealing after he was seen leaving IGA Innisfail about 6.15pm on Friday.

Police allege he had items of meat concealed in his shorts and several other items in his pockets.

If you buy your sausage at the IGA Innisfail, you’ll be glad to hear that …

The items were not returned to sale …

Whew! Here’s the source.

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Are we really still in this state of paranoia, such that Middle Easterners can’t take photos in the United States without arousing suspicion? Sadly, the answer is “yes,” for at least one police officer in Athens, Georgia. Per the Athens Banner-Herald:

An Athens-Clarke police officer questioned four Middle Eastern men he saw taking photos of the downtown police station about 6 p.m. Friday, but the men had valid visas and said they were tourists, so he didn’t detain them.

Whew. That was a close one, no? No.

The men, all from Cairo, Egypt, and in their 40s or 50s, were standing back to back in a square at the corner of Lumpkin and Washington streets, capturing a panoramic view of the area with their cell phone cameras, the officer wrote in his report. Two men also specifically took a photo of the nearby police station, the officer wrote.

When the men saw the officer, they walked away but stopped at a Clayton Street clothing store, where the officer asked why they were taking photos of the police station.

The men said they were on their way to a conference in Alabama and were just taking snapshots of Athens while they were here, but couldn’t relay much more information because of a language barrier, the officer wrote.

Hmm. The old “no hablo ingles.” Interesting.

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Aram Berberian had been a Rhode Island lawyer for 31 years when he sent this letter to a member of the Kent County, Rhode Island Courthouse police:

Frank A. Carter, Jr., Esquire
Providence County Supreme Court
250 Benefit Street
Providence, R.I. 02903
Dear Brother Carter:

On 15 October 1980 I intend to present to the Security Officers at the Kent County Courthouse a hand grenade which I will have smuggled into the courthouse. Since you have evidenced an interest in the subject matter, would you care to be present when I make the presentation? If so, I would be pleased to telephone to you the proper time.

I have already informed Officer Keagan of my intention so that he would have ready appropriate medication for his heart.
Yours truly,
Aram K. Berberian

Brilliant! Berberian also sent the letter to several others, including the clerk of the Superior Court, posted it on the Courthouse bulletin board, and hand-delivered it to a courthouse police officer, who gave it to his superior, Officer Dodd (who Berberian had sued over … metal detectors in state courthouses!).

Come October 15th, while speaking with a court security officer in the cafeteria, Berberian said

Gee, today is the 15th, I forgot I was supposed to bring a hand grenade into the building today. Give me a few minutes, I will go and get it. I have some business in Judge DeCiantis’ courtroom.

Berberian then went back to the courtroom where he was trying a domestic matter. Soon thereafter, the Chief of the Courthouse Police (Captain Dodd) entered the courtroom. Per the court:

When defendant noticed that Dodd had entered the room, he interrupted the examination of a witness, turned to Justice DeCiantis, and said, “Your Honor, one moment. I have something I want to give Captain Dodd.” The defendant approached Dodd and removed from his clothing a metal [**5] object that appeared to be a hand grenade. As he did so, defendant said: “Be careful with it. Don’t pull the [*930] pin. It might explode.”

It didn’t. Remotely, the pin was pulled by the Fire Marshal, and nothing happened. The grenade “was filled with an inert metallic substance incapable of exploding.” What was Attorney Berberian’s fate?

Continue reading →

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It’s strange enough that the dude stole a ferret, but even stranger how he got it out of the pet store. By putting it down his pants! Per The Florida Times-Union:

A Jacksonville Beach police arrest report said a 17-year-old saw a man take a ferret from the pet store, stuff it down the front of his pants and walk out of the store. The teen alerted store clerks to the theft, then followed the man to a nearby parking lot on First Avenue North.

Lifting a line from a recent Juice favorite, Zombieland, it was time for the teen to “nut up or shut up.” And nut up he did.

The teen tried to retrieve the ferret from the shoplifter, but the man punched him and they both fell to the ground. As they tussled on the ground, the man shoved the ferret in the teen’s face and squeezed it.

The ferret, a small domesticated type of weasel, lunged at the teen and bit him, leaving two puncture holes in his ear, the arrest report says. The ferret was not injured.

Well done young man. And what happened to the thief?

… Rodney Bolton, was arrested … and charged with stealing the $129 ferret from the Pet Supermarket at 609 Beach Blvd. in Jacksonville Beach. He was also charged with battery with a “special weapon,” police said.

Too bad the “special weapon” didn’t deploy as it was being stolen from the store …