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Oh no you didn’t just taze my 86-year-old granny. They did, at least that’s one of the allegations in a Complaint recently filed in federal court in Oklahoma by Lona Varner and her grandson Lonnie Tinsley against the City of El Reno, Oklahoma and a few of its police officers. Here are some of the allegations from the Complaint:

On or about December 22, 2009 the plaintiff Lona M. Varner was in her apartment at 1955 S. Shepard Ave, Apt. 703, El Reno, Oklahoma, in her hospital-type bed. She was also connected to a portable oxygen concentrator with a long hose.

Yes, granny was in bed, on oxygen … Enter Lonnie:

A severe winter storm was moving into the area and Ms. Varner’s grandson, LonnieD. Tinsley, came to the apartment to check on her at the request of his father, now deceased; because Lona Varner is 86 years-old and in marginal health, she takes several prescribed medications daily; Lonnie’s grandmother was unable to tell him exactly when she had taken her meds, he was concerned and called 911 to ask for an emergency medical technician to come to her apartment to evaluate her.

911, so here comes an ambulance, EMTs …. Nope.

As many as ten El Reno police … came to the apartment and pushed their way through the door.

Ms. Varner told them to get out of her apartment. Instead, the apparent leader of the police (Duran) instructed another policeman to “Taser her!” He stated in his report that the 86 year-old plaintiff“took a more aggressive posture in her bed,” and that he was fearful for his safety and the safety of others.

Really, can you make this stuff up? No doubt the officers involved will make that case.

Lonnie Tinsley told them, “Don’t taze my Granny!” to which they responded that they would taser him; instead, they pulled him out of her apartment, took him down to the floor,handcuffed him and placed him in the back of a police car.

The police then proceeded to approach Ms. Varner in her bed and stepped on heroxygen hose until she began to suffer oxygen deprivation.

The police then fired a taser at her and only one wire struck her, in the left arm; thepolice then fired a second taser, striking her to the right and left of the midline of her upper chest and applied high voltage, causing burns to her chest, extreme pain and to pass out.

Sweet Mary. If these allegations are true, The Juice can think of some tasering that ought to be done.

The police then grabbed Ms. Varner by her forearms and jerked hands together,causing her soft flesh to tear and bleed on her bed; they then handcuffed her.

What about Lonnie?

The police freed Lonnie Tinsley from his incarceration in the back of the police carand permitted him to accompany the ambulance with his grandmother.

Lona Varner was transported by paramedics to Parkland Hospital in El Reno wherethe burns to her chest and the torn flesh on her arms were treated.

Ms. Varner was transported in the early morning hours of December 23, 2009 fromParkland to St. Anthony’s Hospital in Oklahoma City where she was placed in the psychiatric wardat the direction of the El Reno police; she was held there for six days and released.

Wow! What a bizarre case. Thanks to The Bike Lawyer, Steve Magas (www.OhioBikeLawyer.com) for bringing this to The Juice’s attention via Courthouse News.

Here’s the entire Complaint on www.courthousenews.com.

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Clearly, the attorney asking the question needs to get out more. Not so for the responding attorney. From an actual case…

NTERROGATORY NO. 16: Please describe how “beer pong” is played, including the needed equipment and/or materials.

RESPONSE TO INTERROGATORY NO. 16: Defendants object to this Request as vague, ambiguous, overly broad, unduly burdensome, and not reasonably calculated to lead to discovery of admissible evidence. Subject to and without waiving the foregoing objections, Defendants state that the term “beer pong” appears to refer or relate to at least two different activities, each of which require different equipment and/or materials, and both of which are subject to substantially varying “house rules,” depending on the players and/or location of the specific instance of the activity.

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What would you do if you had a sweet tooth, but no cashish to satisfy it? Hopefully not what this gent in Louisiana did. As reported by The Advocate:

The suspected “Brownie Bandit,” a burglar with a sweet tooth, was arrested after a more-than-two-week run pilfering a Gonzales bakery of its stocks of sugary baked goods and other treats, police said.

Officers caught Jamon J. Simoneaux, 18, 2228 S. Burnside Ave., Lot No. 133, Gonzales, inside Jumonville’s Bakery after business hours Thursday with a bag full of chocolate-frosted brownies, the Police Department reported in a news release Friday.

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Really? Didn’t The Juice just tell you not to complain about the calzone? But no, you wouldn’t listen. As reported by the Sun Sentinel:

Flagler County authorities say a restaurant owner pistol-whipped and beat a customer who complained that his takeout order was incorrect.

Joseph Milano, the owner of Goomba’s Pizzeria, has been charged with aggravated assault and battery with a deadly weapon and released on bail.

According to a police report, security footage from the pizzeria shows that Milano struck Richard Phinney with a gun. He then jumped over a counter and started to assault Phinney and his roommate.

Phinney was at the pizzeria to collect a refund for a calzone, which he said was prepared incorrectly. He was taken to a hospital after the incident with a bloodied head.

Is it just The Juice, or would you like to try one of Goomba’s calzones too?

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Who would think to look inside bologna for drugs? It’s almost like you’d have to be tipped off … As reported by www.wwwlp.com:

30-year-old Juan Rodriguez of Holyoke was arrested Thursday for allegedly trafficking a kilogram of cocaine worth $100,000.

According to the news release from Holyoke Police Postal Inspector Brian Dailey contacted Lt. David R. Pratt regarding a package addressed to Felix Huertas at 193 Essex Street.

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Be honest. You’ve smacked or kicked a machine – a parking meter, a vending machine, a copier … But this guy took it to another level. Per The Salt Lake Tribune:

A Salt Lake City mortgage company employee allegedly got drunk, opened fired on his firm’s computer server with a .45-caliber automatic, and then told police someone had stolen his gun and caused the damage.

Maybe he didn’t do it?

Salt Lake County prosecutors say Campbell called police late on Aug. 12, claiming a man had stolen his gun and fired into the $100,000 computer server owned by RANLife Home Loans, located at 268 W. 400 South.

A probable cause statement alleges that Campbell told police he had been “mugged, assaulted with his own firearm and drugged” by a mystery assailant.

So don’t be so quick to judge. Wait, something is coming in over the wire …

… acquaintances of Campbell reportedly told police he had earlier been drunk, was armed and had threatened to shoot the computer and maybe himself.

Doh! Of note: “acquaintances” not “friends.” The charges?

… criminal mischief, a second-degree felony; carrying a dangerous weapon while under the influence and providing false information to police, both Class B misdemeanors; and public intoxication, a Class C misdemeanor.

No word on whether the server will make it …

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Perhaps the first rule of armed robbery is: Make sure the victim can’t identify you. Check this out, as reported by www.wcti12.com:

Doris Edwards, 54, is charged with assault, armed robbery and kidnapping. She’s in the Pitt County Jail under $500,000 bond. Last Tuesday, attorney William Wooten told police one of his clients had tied him up and robbed him. At first, police thought no money was taken from the victim, but it turns out the suspect stole a credit card.

She robbed her lawyer! In his office! Do you think this bodes well for her on the charge(s) the lawyer/victim was representing her for? Best of luck to her new lawyer.

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[Here’s a classic bungled break-in attempt.]

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Lots of people don’t like cats. Probably 99.99% of those people just ignore them. But not this woman. Fortunately, the cat’s owner had a security camera that caught the whole thing on video. Per The Courier Mail:

The bespectacled, grey-haired woman, who appears to be in her 50s, was filmed about 8pm local time Saturday walking along Stephanie and Darryl Mann’s street in Coventry.

In the recording, the woman spots the Manns’ four-year-old rescue cat Lola and strokes it tenderly before suddenly grabbing her by the scruff of the neck and calmly dumping her in a rubbish bin before closing the lid and walking away.

How do you do that? Let’s hope she doesn’t have kids… You can see the video by clicking here or on YouTube by clicking here (the woman enters at about 24 seconds). And what about the cat?

The couple found Lola some 15 hours later when they heard the cat meowing in the bin. Lola has since recovered from the ordeal.

Cruella remains at large.

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This may actually be the first case of “arm-wrestling rage.” And this was some serious rage. As reported by The Sun Sentinel:

According to the arrest report, Erick Lee Blanton was visiting a home in the 400 block of Sunrise Drive early Sunday morning when he challenged another man to an arm-wrestling contest and lost. The winner of the match told officers that Blanton then became upset [a gross understatement].

Blanton left the house, got in a red pickup, and allegedly drove it across the lawn and over a mailbox, trying to hit bystanders.

Certainly uncool, but then …

Witnesses told police Blanton also put the barrel of a rifle against the forehead of his erstwhile arm-wrestling opponent.

Yikes. Time to coin a new saying: “If you can’t beat ’em, at least scare the crap out of ’em.” The charges?

…four counts of aggravated assault with a motor vehicle and one count of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon…

Anger management issues?

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There are lots of ways to show your family some love. You might, say, try to visit your grandson in jail and bring Mary Jane. No doubt he would have appreciated it. We’ll never know. As reported in The Dayton Daily News:

Richard Heritz [age 85!], of West Chester Twp., stepped onto the grounds of the Warren Correction Institution Aug. 13 to visit his grandson. Gregory Heritz had been incarcerated at the prison for two years, and had eight more to come from a burglary conviction out of Butler County, according to prison records.

Before Heritz saw his grandson, he was pulled aside by state troopers, who were acting on a tip they had received. A few hours later, Heritz was behind bars as well, accused of attempting to smuggle marijuana onto prison grounds.

Snitch? The crime?

He is charged with attempting to convey drugs on the grounds of a detention facility, a third-degree felony, and possessing criminal tools, a fifth-degree felony.

The time?

If convicted, he could face up to seven years in prison and a $15,000 fine.

You can read more (a fair amount, including mug shot) here.