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judge.gif Why else would the Honorable Gregory Todd (Montana Thirteenth Judicial District, Yellowstone County) issue a Sentencing Memorandum incorporating dozens of Beatles song titles? To read this silly thang in its entirety, click here.

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It is a fact [or at least truthy] that most younger people don’t proofread. The Juice refers to this as “Spell Check Syndrome.” There’s a kid in Montana who is now likely cured of that malady. Here’s how it happened, as reported by The Helena Independent Record:

A Helena teen sent out a text message last week looking to buy marijuana, only instead of texting the drug dealer, he hit a wrong number.

Who received it? The Lewis and Clark County sheriff [Leo Dutton].

The text message said: “Hey Dawg, do you have a $20 I can buy right now?”

Little dude and his buddy got stung, but got off, thanks to a compassionate cop. Click here to read the rest of the story.

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Trust The Juice ladies. This is a good thing. Why? Because fornication is a crime. And ALL the fellas get caught up in the dragnet, while the married ladies get a pass.

609.34 Fornication.

When any man and single woman have sexual intercourse with each other, each is guilty of fornication, which is a misdemeanor. [emphasis added]

Not so fast there, married ladies. Don’t forget about adultery!

609.36 Adultery.

Subdivision 1. Acts constituting. When a married woman has sexual intercourse with a man other than her husband, whether married or not, both are guilty of adultery and may be sentenced to imprisonment for not more than one year or to payment of a fine of not more than $3,000, or both. [emphasis added]

So, if you’re keeping score at home, married men can fornicate, but married women can’t. And single men can commit adultery, but single women can’t. Time to change these laws?

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As a daily bicycle commuter, The Juice is usually sympathetic to cyclists done wrong. Usually … Per The Santa Cruz Sentinel:

[Two] boys, both 17-year-old Santa Cruz residents, went to a Mission Street music store and tried to sell [a] violin, which had been reported stolen during a car burglary on the Westside the night before, police said.

A store employee alerted police and an officer came to arrest the teens on suspicion of possessing stolen property. While that was going on, someone stole one of the boys’ bikes, which was outside the music shop, police said.

The boys were booked into Juvenile Hall. Their names were not released because they are minors. The stolen bike wasn’t found, but the violin was returned to its owner.

How about this defense: Would a thief leave a bike unlocked? I rest my case!

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Oh no you didn’t just taze my 86-year-old granny. They did, at least that’s one of the allegations in a Complaint recently filed in federal court in Oklahoma by Lona Varner and her grandson Lonnie Tinsley against the City of El Reno, Oklahoma and a few of its police officers. Here are some of the allegations from the Complaint:

On or about December 22, 2009 the plaintiff Lona M. Varner was in her apartment at 1955 S. Shepard Ave, Apt. 703, El Reno, Oklahoma, in her hospital-type bed. She was also connected to a portable oxygen concentrator with a long hose.

Yes, granny was in bed, on oxygen … Enter Lonnie:

A severe winter storm was moving into the area and Ms. Varner’s grandson, LonnieD. Tinsley, came to the apartment to check on her at the request of his father, now deceased; because Lona Varner is 86 years-old and in marginal health, she takes several prescribed medications daily; Lonnie’s grandmother was unable to tell him exactly when she had taken her meds, he was concerned and called 911 to ask for an emergency medical technician to come to her apartment to evaluate her.

911, so here comes an ambulance, EMTs …. Nope.

As many as ten El Reno police … came to the apartment and pushed their way through the door.

Ms. Varner told them to get out of her apartment. Instead, the apparent leader of the police (Duran) instructed another policeman to “Taser her!” He stated in his report that the 86 year-old plaintiff“took a more aggressive posture in her bed,” and that he was fearful for his safety and the safety of others.

Really, can you make this stuff up? No doubt the officers involved will make that case.

Lonnie Tinsley told them, “Don’t taze my Granny!” to which they responded that they would taser him; instead, they pulled him out of her apartment, took him down to the floor,handcuffed him and placed him in the back of a police car.

The police then proceeded to approach Ms. Varner in her bed and stepped on heroxygen hose until she began to suffer oxygen deprivation.

The police then fired a taser at her and only one wire struck her, in the left arm; thepolice then fired a second taser, striking her to the right and left of the midline of her upper chest and applied high voltage, causing burns to her chest, extreme pain and to pass out.

Sweet Mary. If these allegations are true, The Juice can think of some tasering that ought to be done.

The police then grabbed Ms. Varner by her forearms and jerked hands together,causing her soft flesh to tear and bleed on her bed; they then handcuffed her.

What about Lonnie?

The police freed Lonnie Tinsley from his incarceration in the back of the police carand permitted him to accompany the ambulance with his grandmother.

Lona Varner was transported by paramedics to Parkland Hospital in El Reno wherethe burns to her chest and the torn flesh on her arms were treated.

Ms. Varner was transported in the early morning hours of December 23, 2009 fromParkland to St. Anthony’s Hospital in Oklahoma City where she was placed in the psychiatric wardat the direction of the El Reno police; she was held there for six days and released.

Wow! What a bizarre case. Thanks to The Bike Lawyer, Steve Magas (www.OhioBikeLawyer.com) for bringing this to The Juice’s attention via Courthouse News.

Here’s the entire Complaint on www.courthousenews.com.

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Clearly, the attorney asking the question needs to get out more. Not so for the responding attorney. From an actual case…

NTERROGATORY NO. 16: Please describe how “beer pong” is played, including the needed equipment and/or materials.

RESPONSE TO INTERROGATORY NO. 16: Defendants object to this Request as vague, ambiguous, overly broad, unduly burdensome, and not reasonably calculated to lead to discovery of admissible evidence. Subject to and without waiving the foregoing objections, Defendants state that the term “beer pong” appears to refer or relate to at least two different activities, each of which require different equipment and/or materials, and both of which are subject to substantially varying “house rules,” depending on the players and/or location of the specific instance of the activity.

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What would you do if you had a sweet tooth, but no cashish to satisfy it? Hopefully not what this gent in Louisiana did. As reported by The Advocate:

The suspected “Brownie Bandit,” a burglar with a sweet tooth, was arrested after a more-than-two-week run pilfering a Gonzales bakery of its stocks of sugary baked goods and other treats, police said.

Officers caught Jamon J. Simoneaux, 18, 2228 S. Burnside Ave., Lot No. 133, Gonzales, inside Jumonville’s Bakery after business hours Thursday with a bag full of chocolate-frosted brownies, the Police Department reported in a news release Friday.

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Really? Didn’t The Juice just tell you not to complain about the calzone? But no, you wouldn’t listen. As reported by the Sun Sentinel:

Flagler County authorities say a restaurant owner pistol-whipped and beat a customer who complained that his takeout order was incorrect.

Joseph Milano, the owner of Goomba’s Pizzeria, has been charged with aggravated assault and battery with a deadly weapon and released on bail.

According to a police report, security footage from the pizzeria shows that Milano struck Richard Phinney with a gun. He then jumped over a counter and started to assault Phinney and his roommate.

Phinney was at the pizzeria to collect a refund for a calzone, which he said was prepared incorrectly. He was taken to a hospital after the incident with a bloodied head.

Is it just The Juice, or would you like to try one of Goomba’s calzones too?

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Who would think to look inside bologna for drugs? It’s almost like you’d have to be tipped off … As reported by www.wwwlp.com:

30-year-old Juan Rodriguez of Holyoke was arrested Thursday for allegedly trafficking a kilogram of cocaine worth $100,000.

According to the news release from Holyoke Police Postal Inspector Brian Dailey contacted Lt. David R. Pratt regarding a package addressed to Felix Huertas at 193 Essex Street.

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Be honest. You’ve smacked or kicked a machine – a parking meter, a vending machine, a copier … But this guy took it to another level. Per The Salt Lake Tribune:

A Salt Lake City mortgage company employee allegedly got drunk, opened fired on his firm’s computer server with a .45-caliber automatic, and then told police someone had stolen his gun and caused the damage.

Maybe he didn’t do it?

Salt Lake County prosecutors say Campbell called police late on Aug. 12, claiming a man had stolen his gun and fired into the $100,000 computer server owned by RANLife Home Loans, located at 268 W. 400 South.

A probable cause statement alleges that Campbell told police he had been “mugged, assaulted with his own firearm and drugged” by a mystery assailant.

So don’t be so quick to judge. Wait, something is coming in over the wire …

… acquaintances of Campbell reportedly told police he had earlier been drunk, was armed and had threatened to shoot the computer and maybe himself.

Doh! Of note: “acquaintances” not “friends.” The charges?

… criminal mischief, a second-degree felony; carrying a dangerous weapon while under the influence and providing false information to police, both Class B misdemeanors; and public intoxication, a Class C misdemeanor.

No word on whether the server will make it …