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In some countries, it’s legal to change your name to just about anything. That’s what George Garratt decided to do. His new legal name? Hold on. The Juice needs to take a deep breath. Okay, here it goes …

Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined.

Whew. That’s a mouthful. Why would the Captain do that? Per The Telegraph:

“I wanted to be unique. I decided upon a theme of superheroes.”

Oh, so that’s the theme. Here’s the source, including a photo of the Captain. And if you like stories about strange names, check this out.

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Maybe you can get away with giving a fake name to the cops for a little while, but in this day and age, not for long. Although in this case, technology was not even a factor. From the Murfreesboro (Tennessee) Post:

When most people get pulled over by Murfreesboro’s finest and are asked to produce identification, they do so willingly.

But David Prochaska, 21, of Tomahawk Trace, thought differently when he was pulled over Wednesday and claimed to not have an ID on his person. He also gave a fake name and social security number.

That’s not the only difference between Prochaska and most people. He also has his initials tattooed on his neck.

Doh!

After noticing D.J.P. on the suspects neck, Murfreesboro Police Officer Ramona Thomas, searched Prochaska only to find a receipt in his pocket with his real name on it.

“It was also determined that Mr. Prochaska had four active warrants of his arrest,” Thomas reported.

Doh!

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So, how can a 34-year-old man, who admitted to a four-month-long sexual relationship with a 13-year-old girl not see the inside of a cell? He was originally sentenced to 3 years but, on appeal, the court reduced the sentence to 1 year and 4 months. Why? The court concluded there was “real love” between Vicenza butcher Antonio de Pascale and the girl. Truly frightening, as are the comments of Judge Simonetta Matone of Rome:

The law must ‘always look to be reasonable in these cases. Every relationship is a relationship and the real maturity, whether physical or psychological, of the minor must be weighed, with the help of experts.’

What? No! No weighing, your honor. I wonder where she would draw the line. Twelve? Ten? And why is it likely that de Pascale won’t do any time? Because Italy currently has a general amnesty for anyone sentenced to less than 3 years. A fitting end to an outrageous case. To read more (a little), click here.

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Although words can cause a lot more pain than a physical injury, a 21-year-old man who called a woman “fat” might disagree. As reported by the Lincoln [Nebraska] Journal Star:

Police say a 24-year-old man is missing a chunk of his right ear that was bitten off by a woman who didn’t like being called “fat.” Police spokeswoman Katie Flood said officers were called to a Lincoln hospital around 3:25 a.m. Wednesday to talk to the injured man.

Flood said officers later learned that the injured man and two others had been arguing with other people at the birthday party. Flood says the man told 21-year-old Anna Godfrey that she was fat.

Officers said Godfrey then tackled the man and took a bite.

And what about the ear?

Flood said the ear chunk was not found.

Zoinks. The charge?

Godfrey was arrested on suspicion of felony assault and remained in custody Wednesday.

To the South Park fans out there, remember, words are like bullets.

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So you’ve always wanted to be a police officer. And, you’ve always wanted to be a little, um, bigger. Turns out you can’t satisfy both of your wants, at least if you live in Papua, Indonesia. Why not? As reported in the Jakarta Globe:

An applicant “will be asked whether or not his vital organ has been enlarged,” said Papua police chief Bekto Suprapto, quoted on local website Kompas.com.”If he has, he will be considered unfit to join the police or the military.”

What’s the big deal? (sorry!)

The ban was applied since the unnatural size causes “hindrance during training,” said police spokesman Zainuri Lubis in Jakarta, quoted by news portal Detik.com.

Of course, a hindrance! And, just in case you’re curious …

Papuans use a local technique to achieve the enlargement, according to a sexologist … wrapping the penis with leaves from the “gatal-gatal” (itchy) tree so that it swells up “like it has been stung by a bee.”

Hmm. Now it’s starting to sound like a hindrance …

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It’s an age-old story: two girls are involved with the same dude. What to do … Conclude that they should both dump this two-timer? No. Go to the dude and tell him he has to choose between them? No. Flip a coin? Arm wrestle? First come, first serve? No, no and no. Fight? Yes. So, from the Colorado Springs Police Blotter:

April 25, 2010 – Assault

Summary: Officer Barry Worstell was dispatched to Memorial Central reference an assault. On the above date and time the suspect, Carriel Mackey age 18 and the victim, April Graham age 20 agreed to meet and settle their differences reference a male both of them were involved with. During this meeting Mackey produced a sharp object and cut Grahams face multiple times. Graham was treated at Memorial Central for the lacerations and received multiple stitches. Two of the most notable lacerations were a four inch cut along the right side of the head nearly missing the jugular which went all the way to her skull and the second was across her nose cutting the cartilage and laying it open. Mackey has not been located.

Absolutely brutal.

At approximately 0100 hours, on 4/26/10, Officers from the Sand Creek Division arrested Ms Mackey at her residence. Ms Mackey was booked into the Criminal Justice center on charges of 1st degree Assault.

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A Good Samaritan in New York intervenes in a mugging and gets stabbed. As he is lying on the sidewalk bleeding to death, more than 20 people pass by him, and do nothing. Strike that. One guy did take pictures with his cell phone. It’s just wrong that the one person who did care about his fellow man, and acted on it, died.

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The Juice is a believer in some old-fashioned notions, like men holding the elevator door open for women. Too bad a fellow in Boston, Mohammed Warsame, is not likeminded. Here’s why, as reported by The Boston Herald:

A Roxbury man was slopped with a plate of pasta, punched, kicked, spit on and beaten with handbags by two women who told investigators they needed to “teach him a lesson” for not holding an elevator door for them, police said.

Holy crap!

When Boston police arrived at 1050 Tremont St. late Saturday night to break up the lift tiff, they said they found noodles dripping off the back of Mohammed Warsame.

Kenyana McQuay, 27, and Waltia Funches, 28, told officers Warsame “was rude to them” because he didn’t hold the elevator door open as they walked into the building, and so “they had to use their fists, their bags and their feet to teach him a lesson.”

Warsame said he threw water bottles at the two women to try and fend them off.

Certainly etiquette sticklers like these ladies would treat the police with respect, right? Wrong.

Police, who described McQuay and Funches as “extremely agitated,” “uncooperative” and “verbally abusive toward officers,” summonsed both women to Roxbury District Court on assault and battery charges.

Here’s the source.

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Are you sure about that? As reported at metro.uk:

Police had put out an appeal for information on a black robber after six strikes on banks and pharmacies in the space of a month.

After a tip-off police tracked down 30-year-old Conrad Zdierak – trouble was though he was white.

The Springdale Police Department in the US claim he wore a silicon mask called The Player. He would also wear sunglasses to hide his blue eyes. Lieutenant Michael Mathis admitted police were completely taken in by the mask and said he had never seen anything like it.

He told the Mail Online: “He wore what I’m calling a ‘Hollywood quality’ mask. These things cost $600 to $700.” Zdzierak remains in custody on a £2m bond.

That’s a lotta pounds ($3 million US).

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barbie_head_1.jpg So MCA Records put out a song called “Barbie Girl.”(If you haven’t heard the song, lucky you. Not only does it SUCK, it becomes stuck in your head.) Anyway, it doesnt’ paint poor little Barbie in the best light, so Mattel sued MCA for using Barbie’s name without permission. MCA then agreed to place the following language on the album: the song is “social commentary and not created or approved by the makers of the doll.”

MCA’s response: fuhgeddaboutit. “It’s akin to a bank robber handing a note of apology to a teller during a heist. It neither diminshes the severity of the crime nor does it make it legal.” MCA’s response? Not pleased with Matell’s use of the words “bank robber,” “heist,” “crime,” or “theft,” they countersued for defamation!

The Judge ultimately found for MCA Records, and offered this little nugget: “The parties are advised to chill.” The case is Mattel v. MCA Records, 296 F.3d 894 (9th Cir. 2002).

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