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Here’s a very good example, per WTHR.com:

It was a day that kept getting worse for a Terre Haute man who put his car in a ditch and then tried to get it out with a “borrowed” tractor.

When officers arrived, they discovered a large farm tractor and car in a ditch, apparently after falling from the bridge. The driver of the tractor had fled the scene.

Yeah, no chance the police would figure out it was him, what with his car being in the ditch …

Troopers got a tip that the driver was hiding at a nearby farm house on Rio Grande Road. Officers went to the residence and took the driver into custody without incident.

Damn you tipster!

The driver was identified as Kevin Michael Whitesell, age 31, of Terre Haute, IN. Whitesell was taken to the Vigo County Jail. He faces charges of Driving While Intoxicated, Class A misdemeanor; and Leaving the Scene of a Property Damage Crash, Class C misdemeanor. Additional charges may be filed.

The blow-by-blow:

Police say at around 5:00 am, Whitesell crashed his 2000 Chevrolet Cavalier on Bluejay Road just west of Eppert Road. He then walked to a farm house on Rio Grande Road, approximately two miles from the scene, and obtained a 1998 John Deere 9100 Series four-wheel driver tractor.

So after walking 2 miles, it still didn’t dawn on him that this was a bad idea.

Whitesell then drove back to his car on Bluejay, hooked the overturned car to the tractor and began dragging the car (on its top) eastbound on Bluejay.

As Whitesell attempted to make a right turn onto Eppert, he lost control and drove the tractor over the west side of the bridge, dragging the car with it. The tractor was owned by Plant Farms and the owner of the car was Whitesell. Police say Whitesell was an employee of Plant Farms, but he took the tractor without his employer knowing about it.

Damn you Eppert Road!

Damage to the bridge was estimated at $10,000 to $20,000 and the tractor was valued at $150,000.

Zoinks! Here’s the source, with multiple photographs of the scene.

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Okay, so maybe that’s not exactly the defense employed, but it’s damn close. As reported in The South Asian Post:

An Indian man escaped a possible death sentence for drug trafficking after his lawyer told a court it was impossible to walk with a stash of heroin in his underpants.Mumbai police alleged Dhirendra Kamdar was carrying two kilograms of the drug in four, 500-gram packets in his underwear when they picked him up as he walked from a guest house to get a taxi to the city’s airport. But when the case came to trial, Kamdar’s lawyer Ayaz Khan said it was impossible for anyone to walk one kilometre with such an amount of drugs concealed in his smalls, the Daily News and Analysis newspaper said.Khan demonstrated his theory to the judge using four identically-sized bags filled with sugar, and was acquitted of the charge on lack of evidence.

500 grams equals about 1.1 pounds. So the total was almost 4.5 pounds. That would definitely alter your gait.

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Certainly regular readers know the Juice is not a fan of dress codes. Check this out, from Georgia’s Thomson-McDuffie Junior High School website:

In order to foster a climate conducive to [blah, blah, blah] … the following guidelines have been developed with input from councils, faculty, administration, and students.

… sunglasses are not to be worn on campus. … No grills are to be worn.

No shades or grills? That’s cold.

Proper and acceptable undergarments must be worn and must not be visible to others. Cleavage must not show.

How will the school know if the undergarments are “proper and acceptable” if you can’t see them! Brilliant!

Shoes or sandals must be worn. … and athletic sandals are not allowed at school.

No “athletic sandals?” Say what?

Shirts or blouses must have sleeves; shirts and blouses must be tucked in. … Belt line must be visible at all times. Any shirts or blouses that cannot be tucked in may not be worn.

NFW. You have to tuck your shirts and blouses in! Please, transfer me!

Shorts/pants must be long enough to touch the top of the kneecap. Shorts/pants must be fitted at the waist and not be baggy or frayed at the bottom.

Really? The kneecap?

All students must wear identification badges properly at all times.

Is it me, or is this starting to sound like a detention facility?

Personal grooming should be done at home, not at school.

I can’t brush or comb my hair?

The principal of the school has a right to prohibit any item of clothing he deems to be inappropriate.

Wow. That is just laughably unenforceable.

Now that you know the crimes, the times …

Penalty for failure to comply with dress code: First offense – correction (if possible) or ISS and 3 hours detention. Second offense – correction (if possible) and one (1) day of Saturday School. Third offense – three (3) days ISS and required parent conference. A Fourth offense is considered Defiance and will result in three (3) days suspension minimum.

Here’s the school’s website.

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At least that’s how Gaylon Linn Murphy drew it up. As reported by The LA Times:

Murphy, 52, apologized for his actions, which began when he tore a hole in his Gucci jeans during a visit to a Home Depot store. He then attempted to claim the retail price of the jeans, valued at between $500 and $1,500, from both the building supply store and a local restaurant where he had dined. The double-dipping attempt was uncovered by an Irvine detective.

Never double dip. The sentence? Mr. Murphy received three years of unsupervised probation and 30 days of community service. What did he have to say for himself?

“It was wrong. It wasn’t intentional, but it happened, and I paid for it.” Not intentional?!

What what what? Here’s the Times article. (The static in the clip below disappears after 10 seconds.)

v

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Okay, so The Juice is overstating it a little bit. Sanchez Brumfield was charged with killing a man in Louisiana. He’s being tried for first-degree murder. While in a holding cell in the courthouse basement, he was seen masturbating by the deputies who were monitoring him by camera. How is this relevant in the murder case? It’s not, but the prosecutor argued that, if Brumfield is convicted, the jury should consider it in deciding whether to give him life in jail, or the death penalty. What what what? What possible relevance could masturbating have in the life or death decision? Here’s what prosecutor Aaron Brooks said, per The Advocate and WBRZ News 2:

“He will make a lousy prisoner if he’s given a life-sentence,” Brooks said. “And this stunt proves that.”

Huh? What do you do with that kind of reasoning? Just what the judge did – he rejected it. Here’s the source.

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Q. [By Atty. Bodzin] This is your loan file, what do Mr. and Mrs. Fitzgerald do for a living?
A. [By Mr. Wider] I don’t know. Open it up and find it.
Q. Look at your loan file and tell me.
A. Open it up and find it. I’m not your fucking bitch.
Q. Take a look at your loan application.
A. Do it yourself. Do it yourself. You want to do this in front of a judge. Would you prefer to
[do] this in front of a judge? Then, shut thefuck up.
Q. Sir, take a look–
A. I’m taking a break. Fuck him. You open up the document. You want me to look at something, you get the document out. Earn your fucking money asshole. Isn’t the law wonderful. Better get used to it. You’ll retire when I’m done.

Q. … We’re going to adjourn this deposition if this happens again because you are offending every single person.
A. Don’t speak for anybody in here except yourself fuck face.
Q. I’m speaking for myself and I’m speaking for the Court Reporter.
A. If she had a problem with me she would say something. She knows it’s [not] directed toward
her. It’s directed to you because you’re a piece of shit and a piece of garbage and I’m the only
person in your life that is fucking up your world and I enjoy it. I enjoy it and when you sit there
and say I’m perpetrating a fraud I’m just better at the law than you are and you can’t get in the
fucking door and it’s pissing you off. Keep trying.

What what what? [Funnier for South Park fans.] Just how bad was the rest of the deposition? Per the court:

The above [which includes one more excerpt] are only a few examples of Wider’s hostile, uncivil, and vulgar conduct, which persisted throughout the nearly 12 hours of deposition testimony. In fact, Wider used the word “fuck” and variants thereof no less than 73 times. To put this in perspective–in this commercial case, where GMAC’s claim is for breach of contract and HTFC’s counterclaim is for tortious interference with contract–the word “contract” and variants thereof were used only 14 times.

So what did the court do with this? Click below to find out.

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Lots of folks take their gaming seriously. But this? From the Colorado Springs Police Blotter:

May 6, 2010, Time: 5:04:00 PM, Title: Assault

Officers were dispatched to Astrozon and Powers for a disturbance with a bat and a gun. When Officer Paladino arrived on scene the suspect, James Williams, ran at his cruiser and jumped on the hood.

Hello Officer!

When [Williams] jumped off he was tased by Officer Paladino.

Hello Mr. Williams.

The investigation showed Williams had gone after several people in the mobile home park with a bat, bit his mother on the ankle, intentionally rammed several cars, hit a pedestrian and a tree. He was followed from the scene by victims and confronted at Astrozon and Powers. Williams got out of his car and using a BB gun broke out the rear window of a vehicle.

Dude was busy. What about the Wii?

The disturbance started over a Wii game.

Doh!

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No, you did not win some strange lottery [which you never entered, so exactly why would you believe you won it?]. There is no Nigerian bank or company involved. All you have to do is contact a certain Florida medical supply company and claim the package they received. Of course, there will be certain consequences … Per the Orlando Sentinel:

Winter Park police are trying to find whoever mailed a package of marijuana to a medical-supply company.

Someone at the company, which police did not name, called police Wednesday to say the package had arrived unexpectedly. Detectives found about 70 pounds of pot with a street value of $200,000 inside, they said.

Anyone with information about the sender can call Crimeline at 407-423-8477 or police at 407-644-1313

You thought there wasn’t a catch? Here’s the source.

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Some fetishes I get, and some I don’t. I don’t get this one. As reported in The Courier Mail:

After a night out at a pub in Boggabri, in northern NSW [New South Wales, Australia], a group of people went to a private home on March 27.

So far, so good.

“Police will allege that a man went to the home’s bathroom and set up his mobile phone to record people going to the toilet,” police said in a statement.

”

Uh oh.

About 1am a 29-year-old woman went to the bathroom to use the toilet and discovered the phone.

”The woman viewed the recording, seized the phone and left the gathering.” Dude probably forgot to turn the ringer off.


Police were alerted to the matter and yesterday arrested a 36-year-old man at the property.

 He has been charged with filming a person in private without consent and is due to face Narrabri Local Court on May 25.

Not cool.

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Say you’re divorced, and your ex-wife calls to tell you one of your kids is being held for ransom. I think most folks would pay up. Just suppose, though, that your ex-wife called to say that one of your children was again taken hostage, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again! For real. This woman told her ex-husband that one of their kids (sometimes their son, sometimes their daughter) had been kidnapped SEVEN TIMES over a five-year period! And you know how many times he paid? Six! For a total of £530,000 ($808,000 US!). As reported by The Telegraph:

In the summer of 2001, she told her estranged husband, named only as Pedro GM, who was living in a different town, that strangers had entered her home and taken her daughter Sara, demanding payment of 30,000 euros (£23,000) for her safe return.

A year later, she claimed that the girl had been taken again, this time to settle a drug debt, and asked her husband to cough up 48,000 euros (£38,000) for her release.

In 2003 she again approached her husband, this time claiming that their son Emilio had been snatched after she failed to pay 36,000 euros (£28,000) she owed to a clothing wholesaler. He once again paid the money and the child was “returned” unharmed.

In 2004, she faked another kidnapping, again of her teenage son Emilio, claiming that drug dealers were demanding 54,000 euros (£43,000) for a package of cocaine that the boy had lost. Once again, the father paid the ransom demand to his wife to pass on.

In December 2005 and January 2006 she again claimed that their son had got himself in trouble and was being held to ransom, but this time she said he had been taken by members of a gypsy family who wanted blood money totalling 180,000 euros (£142,000) because he had taken the virginity of a 13-year old relative.

Finally, in Sept 2006 she and her friends concocted a story claiming that Emilio had again been abducted from outside their home in the Madrid suburb of Fuenlabrada. On this occasion, the boy himself called his father, claiming his attackers were torturing him and were threatening to kill him unless a ransom of 252,000 euros (£200,000) was paid.

How were they caught?

Minutes later [after the boy called his father] he was spotted in the street having a drink with friends, said the private detective hired by Pedro G M to investigate the case.

I think it’s only appropriate to end this post with some quotes about greed.

“To be perfectly honest, what I’m really thinking about are dollar signs.” Tonya Harding

“Earth provides enough to satisfy every man’s need, but not every man’s greed” Gandhi

“I’m a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.” Zsa Zsa Gabor

“Greed is a fat demon with a small mouth and whatever you feed it is never enough.” Janwillem van de Wetering

“How did I get involved in a terrible film like Best Defense? The door opened and four men came in carrying a check.” Eddie Murphy (Note that, although it might seem criminal, Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress is a civil claim.)

And my favorite:

“Money doesn’t talk, it swears.” Bob Dylan

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