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With what? A fart. Yes, the police charged Clarksburg, West Virginia resident Jose Antonio Cruz with battery for farting on a policeman! As reported in the Charleston Daily Mail:

South Charleston police said they were fingerprinting Cruz at police headquarters Tuesday when Cruz moved near Patrolman T.E. Parsons, lifted his leg and passed gas “loudly” on the officer, according to a criminal complaint.

Cruz then waved the air in the direction of Parsons, who was preparing a breath test machine nearby.

“The gas was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature with Patrolman Parsons,” the complaint said.

Charges this serious cannot go unanswered.

Cruz acknowledged passing gas, but said he didn’t move his chair toward the officer nor aim gas at the patrolman. He said he had an upset stomach at the time, but police denied his request to go to the bathroom when he first arrived at the station.

“I couldn’t hold it no more,” he said.

A valid defense. So what happened to Mr. Cruz? Someone thought better of it (perhaps everyone), and the battery charge was dropped.

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Apparently it’s a crime to teach while you are under the influence of alcohol and prescription drugs. (“Teaching While Intoxicated”) As reported by The Desert Sun:

A Thermal middle school teacher was arrested on Tuesday on suspicion of being under the influence of prescription drugs and alcohol during the school day, officials said.

Administrators at Toro Canyon Middle School reported around 1 p.m. Tuesday that Tonya Neff, 47, was showing signs of intoxication, according to the Riverside County Sheriff’s Department.

“Our students were safe,” Coachella Valley Unified School District Superintendent Ricardo Medina said. “There was never any threat to the students.”

Note to defense lawyer: “… students were safe … never any threat to students …” Why take note of this?

Neff was arrested on suspicion of felony child endangerment …

True, The Juice is not a criminal lawyer. Still, as an old friend used to say, “it’s something to think about.” You can read more here.

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Could there be a worse use of the one phone call you are allowed from jail? Okay, maybe if you made a bomb threat. But this is right up there. As reported by The Naperville (Illinois) Sun:

Carly A. Houston was taken to the Naperville police station over the weekend, after she allegedly became embroiled in a heated, early morning dispute with a taxicab driver.

A police officer dutifully supplied the 29-year-old Chicago woman with a telephone, instructing her she could make one call to find a relative or friend who could come to the station to post her bail.

Instead, Houston used her call to dial 911, which immediately connected her to Naperville police dispatchers. She pleaded for help, complaining she was “trapped inside the detention facility,” police said Monday.

Snap! Trapped in jail …

[This] earned her another criminal charge … for making a false 911 report.

It was not a good morning for Ms. Houston:

[Her] troubles began about 1:40 a.m. Sunday, when police were called to the BP service station at 901 N. Washington St., police Cmdr. Mike Anders said.

A cab driver there told police he had picked Houston up near the city’s downtown, and that she had instructed him to drive north on Washington Street, Anders said.

When the driver asked for her specific destination, Houston allegedly “yelled, screamed, cursed and extended (both) middle fingers at the cab driver and threatened bodily harm” against him, Anders said. He stopped at the gas station, where employees and patrons were also “alarmed and disturbed” by her reputed behavior, he said.

You can read more, and see a photo of Ms. Houston here.

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The clothes belonged to a woman in Tacoma, Washington. As reported by The News Tribune:

A report of a naked woman tied to a tree in the Owen Beach area brought Tacoma police to Point Defiance Park on Tuesday.

I’ll bet …

A witness called 911 and reported seeing the woman, police spokesman Mark Fulghum said. A man was spotted nearby.

Several police officers responded to the park and traffic officers were posted at its entrances and exits, Fulghum said.

The officers talked with the man and woman and determined it was a “consensual rendezvous,” Fulghum said. No arrests were made.

“See you at the tree at noon. Oh, and don’t forget the rope …”

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How low can a thief go? Check out this theft, apparently involving three men, as reported in the North Royalton (Ohio) Police Blotter by the Sun Star Courier:

THEFT, STATE ROAD: A Sunoco employee reported the theft of a donation jar at 5:34 p.m. March 8.

The employee said he was assisting another customer with the lottery machine when three men walked in. One picked up a donation jar for missing children and another man stepped in front of security cameras.

But, as it turns out, not soon enough …

The officer reviewed security footage that captured the man picking up the donation jar containing $31. He recognized the man from previous criminal incidents.

The officer went to the man’s residence and showed the camera footage to the his parents, who admitted it appeared to be their son. He was cited for theft.

Readers, if you can top this, please let The Juice know, and it will be posted, with props to the source.

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Well, kind of. A 17-year-old Washington student stood before his class and presented his essay on why marijuana should be legalized. And? Oh no you didn’t… Per The News Tribune:

At the end of his speech … [he] pulled out a joint, lit it and smoked away. Then he ate the remains.

Yes! Victory! He ate it, so you can’t … what’s that?

For that he got a quick escort to the school office and then a ride to Remann Hall juvenile jail.

The boy … was arrested on suspicion of unlawful drug possession, a misdemeanor.

In case you were wondering, he has a 3.7 GPA. To read more (a fair amount), click here.

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Are you worse off if you mistext (text the wrong number) or sext? That would depend on what was in the mistext, and who you sent it to. One Mindy Lynn Neugebauer, 26, of Mangum [Oklahoma] would likely go with mistexting. Here’s why, per The Altus Times:

According to reports, agent Chris Counts of the Distirct III Drug Task Force received a text message that said, “if you want a hit of this stuff (reference to illegal narcotics) before it is all gone, you better get over here.” He texted back asking the address and got an answer. Counts checked the utility registration and found it to belong to Neugebauer.

Uh oh.

Officers went to the address and told Neugebauer about the text message, and she said she thought she had sent the message to a friend. She said the hits she was talking about were from a blunt marijuana rolled inside a cigar, and that was all she had in the residence.

Hmmm. Admit to something and hope they’ll buy it and go away. Successful? Nope.

She allowed officers to search the house where they found a loaded .22 caliber pistol in the bathroom closet, and a small plastic sack containing suspected cocaine under her mattress. A field test determined the presence of cocaine from the powder.

The evidence was submitted to the Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation laboratory for further testing.

Amazing how a mistyped number can change your life.

A felony warrant was issued for Neugebauer on charges of possession of a controlled substance and unlawful possession of a controlled drug with the intent to distribute. Bond was set at $25,000.

Source: The Altus Times.

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Why would you grow your weed outside and risk discovery when you can grow it in your house … er houses? As an added bonus, you can grow it year round. That’s exactly what some folks in New Jersey figured. Per nj.com:

Police uprooted a multimillion-dollar network of homes used to grow marijuana in the largest bust of pot production in New Jersey history… Within three days last month, police seized a total of 3,370 growing plants, 115 pounds of harvested pot and $65,000 cash.

Authorities said the total operation was worth $10 million based on potential output per plant.

Shazam! That’s a serious operation. But what about the juice? No, not me, the electricity required to grow all that weed. Isn’t that how they catch these folks?

The suspects also bypassed electrical meters to conceal how much power the homes were concealing and steal electricity.

Clever. So what brought this thing down? A lucky break.

The investigation started accidentally on Feb. 17 when Monroe Township Police Officer Thomas Lucasiewicz smelled marijuana coming from the chimney of a home on Spotswood-Englishtown Road. When he knocked, Thu N. Nguyen opened the door, and Lucasiewicz smelled unusable pot plants being burned in the fireplace, authorities said.

Nguyen was arrested and police found 1,064 pot plants growing in the basement and master bedroom.

That was only the beginning, and the bust led to search warrants for five more rented houses in four other towns: Millstone, Old Bridge, Manalapan and Manahawkin.

Five of the homes were being used to grow marijuana. One of the suspects lived in a sixth home, on Hidden Court in Old Bridge, where police seized $60,000 cash and vacuum bags used to package the pot.

You can read more (a fair amount) here.

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So this victim had his car window smashed, and his stereo, GPS, and tires stolen. But at least he could get to work on Monday. How, you might wonder? This is clearly one of the stranger crimes The Juice has encountered. Per lancasteronline.com (Pennsylvania):

A thief in Lancaster Township took the time to replace a set of wheels that he took off a vehicle, police said.

A resident of Riverside Avenue reported that a window on his vehicle was shattered overnight Sunday on Ranck Mill Road, police said. The vehicle’s four wheels were taken and were replaced with four wheels with worn tires.

A stereo and GPS also were taken, police said. Loss is $850.

Go figure.

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A Malaysian woman is almost certainly going to find out. Per The New Straits Times:

[A 28-year-old] woman is facing the death sentence after being caught with 1kg of heroin at an airport in Changsha, central China, last Saturday.

Do you know how much a kilo is? About 2.2 pounds. And it could have been A LOT LESS than that.

The … woman faces death by lethal injection if convicted as China’s Criminal Law stipulates that trafficking of more than 50g of heroin is punishable by death.

50 grams = 1.76 ounces. Here’s the source.