Squeezed on:


What, you think Santa isn’t feeling the recession too? As reported by The Providence (Rhode Island) Journal:

A man dressed in a Santa Claus suit and armed with a gun robbed the East Providence Yacht Club on Pier Road on Sunday night, according to police.

A bartender had been getting the bar at the yacht club ready for the evening when a man, described as large and wearing a Santa hat, white beard, a red Santa suit jacket and jeans, walked in and produced a shotgun or rifle-type gun from a Santa bag.

The bartender fled through the bar entrance and escaped to a nearby establishment.

Police said an undetermined amount of cash was missing from the bar register when police arrived. The incident is under investigation.

Here’s the source. And here’s a video of the story from the local tv station.

Posted in: Uncool
Squeezed on:
Squeezed on:


Your wife leaves you, and this is what you do? As reported by the Bee News (New York):

A Poinciana Parkway man wanted to file a missing 
persons report for his wife, 
who was staying with family and no longer wanted to 
speak to him. The man said 
she had to come home, because he didn’t know how to 
cook for himself.

Even if she comes back, think the food will be any good?

Squeezed on:


The Juice seriously doubts that Mr. James Lewis will ever complain about his wife’s cooking again. Why no more complaints? In 2 words: fifty stitches. As reported by wral.com:

Deputies responded to an assault call Friday morning on the 5000 block of Justice Branch Road and found paramedics treating James Lewis, 85, for head injuries. Lt. Stevie Salmon of the Halifax County Sheriff’s Office determined that Lewis and his wife, Rosie Lee Lewis, 71, had argued over what she had cooked for breakfast.

The couple continued to bicker as Rosie Lewis cooked another meal, Salmon said, and the argument escalated to the point that James Lewis raised his cane as if he were ready to hit his wife. Rosie Lewis then hit him on the head several times with an iron frying pan, knocking him to the ground, Salmon said.


James Lewis was taken to Halifax Regional Medical Center, where he received 50 stitches to close his head wounds, Salmon said.

And Ms. Lewis?

[She] was charged with assault with a deadly weapon, and authorities said she was being held without bond because the charge stemmed from a domestic dispute.

Click here for the source, including a photo of Ms. Lewis. And check out this wacky food complaint story. And this one.

Squeezed on:


Sure, some people don’t get along with their in-laws. And some parents don’t get along with their kids’ spouses. But this? A whole ‘nother level, as reported in The Las Cruces Sun-News:

A 44-year-old woman who allegedly ripped her daughter-in-law’s nipple off during a drunken argument could be facing criminal charges, the 3rd Judicial District Attorney’s Office confirmed Wednesday.

Ouch, ouch, ouch!

It’s believed to be the first time a local victim has suffered a body part being torn from them, said Chief Deputy District Attorney Amy Orlando.

Ya think?

The victim told officers she, her husband, his mother and one of her husband’s friends had spent Saturday night drinking …

Wait, alcohol was involved?

Sometime after 3 a.m., the victim’s husband had started arguing with his mother, and because it was becoming “very intense,” the victim went to stand in between the two to separate them.


When the victim began arguing with her 44-year-old mother-in-law, the older woman allegedly “grabbed (the victim’s) right breast and began to squeeze and pull on her nipple.” The victim yelled to stop, but her mother-in-law allegedly continued to pull until the younger woman began punching her in the face, according to the police report.

The victim then told police she threw her mother-in-law into the yard, but the older woman allegedly kicked in the back door and had to be physically removed again. It was when the victim was putting her mother-in-law’s belongings in the yard that she felt fluid on her breast and realized there was blood on her shirt.

When she untucked her tank top, her nipple fell on the floor, she told police.

YEOW! Can you fix that? …

… doctors were already in the process of reattaching the nipple to the 30-year-old victim’s breast [when Las Cruces police officers responded to Memorial Medical Center on Sunday morning].

Whew. You can read more here.

Squeezed on:


Whatever happened to “live and let live?” Something surely happened to it in Lakemoor, Illinois. Just ask Ms. Tina Asmus, who used two toilets and a sink as planters in her yard. For this abominable crime, she was fined $25 under the village’s public nuisance ordinance, as reported by The Northwest Herald. Fortunately, Ms. Asmus fought the fine. And?

While McHenry County Judge Michael Caldwell said on Wednesday that the planters were “not something that appeal” to him, he cited his decades of experience as a village attorney to say the ordinance was not designed to apply in instances like this. Instead, it was meant to stop old, nonfunctional cars from sitting in driveways and prohibit unauthorized scrap metal recycling yards.

You go Judge. The Juice agrees with Ms. Asmus’s attorney.

“It may be that some of [her neighbors] don’t like it,” [Mr. George] Kililis said. “But frankly, that’s their problem.”

And check this out:

One of the toilets also had “God bless my neighbors” written on it, as well as a smiley face.

Well played, madam. Here’s the source, including a photo.

Squeezed on:


It should go without saying that it’s a bad idea to return to the scene of the crime. What about returning to the scene of the crime, about a day later, to commit the same crime, in the same/similar clothing, WITH A NEWS TRUCK 15 YARDS AWAY?! It happened in Texas, and the camera was rolling.

You can read more, and watch a portion of the video of the crime, here.

Squeezed on:


Why would anyone break into a store that gives everything away for free? From the CBC …

The Free Store, located near 84th Street and 118th Avenue, opened earlier this year. People pay a $2 fee to drop off unwanted items, and store customers can take whatever they want for free.

Co-owner Brandon Tyson came into the store on Thursday night and found two men inside. They’d kicked out the front window, leaving a lot of glass to clean up.

“For the most part, being a free store, we wouldn’t expect someone to come and rob us because they can come back and get it all free the next day,” Tyson said. “But I guess apparently some people do.”

“For the most part”? No, for the WHOLE PART!

Tyson chased the two would-be thieves out of the store, caught one of them and called the police. He said the men were drunk.

Alcohol was involved? Shocking! Here’s the source.

Squeezed on:


The Juice is thinking this might have gone down differently if the doctor had expressed interest in the drugs this pharmaceutical salesman was peddling. But he didn’t. Here’s how it went down, as reported by The Independent:

Pakistani authorities have arrested a doctor on suspicion of violating the country’s contentious blasphemy laws after he threw away the business card of a man who shared the name of the Prophet.

Naushad Valiyani, a Muslim doctor in Hyderabad, in Sindh province, was arrested after a complaint to police alleging he had insulted the Prophet.

The case began when Muhammad Faizan, a pharmaceutical representative, gave Mr Valiyani his business card. When the doctor threw it away, Mr Faizan filed a complaint, noting that his name was the same as the Prophet’s.

Here’s the source.

Squeezed on:


It pays to know and understand the Constitution, especially the 5th Amendment. A man in Fort Walton Beach, Florida would be well-advised to read it, or at least catch a few episodes of Law & Order. As reported by the Northwest Florida Daily News:

A man stopped for driving with an inoperable brakelight on Nov. 23 was questioned when the officer noticed the man’s pants were unbuttoned and unzipped. The condition of the man’s pants was obvious when he was asked to step out and look at the lights for himself.

Yeah, probably the first guy ever to have a partially unzipped fly…

When the officer questioned him, the driver said he had just left his girlfriend’s house and had picked up the 36-year-old female in his car to give her a ride home.


After the officer advised the man that he believed a sexual act was performed in the vehicle, the man said the female had offered to perform that sexual act for $20. The man added that he had paid the $20 but had not yet gotten the act.

Really? It’s not like you were tied to a chair, with a hammer about to smash your toes. How about this answer: nuh-uh.

The defendant had $20 in her pocket, according to her Fort Walton Beach Police Department arrest report.

She was charged with soliciting for prostitution.

Really? What about the loose-lipped, would-be john? Not cool.

Squeezed on:


If you can, put aside for a moment how creepy this is. Think of the logistics involved! Here’s the report:

A South Korean who stole 1200 pairs of expensive shoes from funeral homes while posing as a mourner has been arrested, police in Seoul said.

How did he do it?

The man identified only as Park, 59, took off his own shoes before entering mourning rooms and donned more expensive footwear when he left.

1,200 times? And what was he going to do with them?

He intended to sell them through his own second-hand shoe business, police in southern Seoul’s Suseo district said.

Making the thefts even more difficult …

Koreans normally remove outdoor footwear when indoors, especially at funeral homes.

So how did Mr. Park get caught?

Police said they caught Park stealing three pairs of shoes, worth a total of two million won ($1950) when new, at one funeral home.

They then raided his warehouse and found 1200 pairs stored according to size in preparation for resale.

Shazam! Here’s the source, including a picture of the shoes.

Posted in: Best Of
Squeezed on: