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The Juice has reported many strange crimes. This one fits in there somewhere. As reported by The Brooklyn Paper:

The victim told cops that a man broke his window at around 5:35 am, then entered his apartment, near Fourth Avenue. Instead of swiping the the normal goodies, the quirky crook grabbed a white toilet and headed down the block, schlepping the heavy porcelain god.

To add insult to larceny, he later came back to tell the lawyer, “I’m going to slit your throat.”

Cops arrested a 53-year-old man the next day.

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Please, if you are prone to being grossed out, stop here. Remember, The Juice warned you. So, it started with what appeared to be a routine suspected DUI. Then it got weird, and gross. As reported by The Durango Herald (Colorado):

According to an arrest affidavit, the events began at 11:59 p.m. Feb. 11 when a Durango Police Department officer observed a vehicle turn right onto 32nd Street from Main Avenue without using a turn signal.

The officer, Chad Langley, pulled Kausalik [a 31-year veteran of the U.S. Postal Service who has been in Durango since 1982] over …

While speaking to Kausalik, the officer detected alcohol on his breath, according to the affidavit. Kausalik said he had not been drinking.

Kausalik performed voluntary roadside maneuvers, but not to Langley’s satisfaction, the affidavit says.

A preliminary breath test indicated he had a blood-alcohol level of 0.142, almost three times the 0.05 legal driving limit in Colorado.

Fairly routine stop thus far. Man appears to be drunk, smells of alcohol, denies drinking, fails field sobriety test, fails initial BAC test.

Langley arrested Kausalik and took him to the Durango police station … for a formal breath test.

Please, not the formal breath test…

At the station, Kausalik asked to use the restroom. Officer Langley twice found Kausalik asleep in the restroom.

He told Kausalik he could not stay in the restroom all night to avoid the breath test, and he needed to either take the test or choose a refusal.

Actually, there is another option, which could be considered a refusal of sorts …

Kausalik eventually left the bathroom looking at the floor, walking toward the officer.

Langley asked Kausalik what was in his mouth, and he continued to walk toward the officer, head down and expressionless.

When Kausalik was about 4 feet from the officer, Kausalik looked up, opened his mouth and took a deep breath.

“As I observed what he had in his mouth, I took a step back and began turning my head as he violently spit the contents of his mouth toward my face,” officer Langley wrote in the affidavit. “I felt the matter [FECES!!!!!] strike the left side of my face and head.” Kausalik also had feces on his hands, the affidavit says.

If you’re not completely grossed out, check your pulse. You can read the full story here.

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Hey, The Juice is a big fan of Thin Mints. But this lady in Florida? Check out what happened to the housemate she believed took her box of Thin Mints. As reported by WZVN:

[Hersha] Howard’s roommate, Jasmin Wanke, told deputies she was asleep when Howard burst into her bedroom and accused her of eating the cookies.

Wanke said she gave them to Howard’s kids because they were awake and hungry at 1 a.m., according to a Collier County Sheriff’s Office report.

“Oh, cool. Thanks for looking out for my kids …” Um, no. That’s what should have happened. Here’s what did happen.

The women began to argue, then Howard reportedly jumped on top of Wanke and struck her in the face.

The two continued to fight until Wanke’s husband separated them.

A few hits to the face – that’s it? Not by a long shot.

When Wanke walked out of the bedroom, Howard grabbed a pair of scissors and began chasing and threatening Wanke, the report said.

As women ran down the stairs, Howard reportedly dropped the scissors, picked up a board and struck Wanke.

Damn! Sounds like pro wrestling.

Wanke then ran to the kitchen, where Howard confronted and attacked her again, according to the Sheriff’s Office.

During the fight, Howard bit Wanke in the breast and continued to hit her until the two were separated again, the report said.

The women ran out of the house, then Howard reportedly picked up a sign and struck Wanke with it several times.

A board, then a sign? What about a chair? Where’s the husband during all this?

Wanke’s husband tackled Howard before deputies arrived and arrested her (and charged her with aggravated battery with a deadly weapon.

Finally!

She was taken to the Naples Jail Center for booking.

Here’s the source, including Ms. Howard’s mug shot.

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THEY TRIED TO ROB A GUN STORE – WITH AN OPENLY-ARMED EMPLOYEE. Who does that? And the kicker? These gents lost $40 in the process. As reported The Kansas City Star:

It all started about 2 p.m. when one of the robbers came into Guns Unlimited, 8113 N. Oak Trafficway, and asked for a box of .357 Magnum ammunition. The clerk told him it would cost about $50. The man, who looked to be in his 20s, said he needed to get more money and left.

Note that the clerk told him the cost would be “about $50.” So what does the dude do? He comes back with $40!

Just before 5 p.m., he returned with a partner and said he wanted to buy the ammunition. The clerk looked at his identification to check his age, rang up the sale and told the man he owed $50.19. The man slid two $20 bills onto the counter.

“You’re $10.19 short,” the clerk said.

The man pulled a blue .357 revolver with a 4-inch barrel from his waistband, pointed it at the clerk and said, “Give me your money!”

If you’re wondering how this ends with the robbers out $40 ….

[The clerk] zeroed in on the robber’s cylinder and saw it was empty as he reached for his own gun and pulled it from its holster.

Advantage, clerk.

“His eyes got as big as two dinner plates,” the clerk said. “Before I got mine pointed at him, he ran to the door at, like, 95 mph. I’m surprised he didn’t bust the glass out of the door.”

The clerk, who had started to squeeze his trigger, relaxed his finger as the robbers fled, leaving behind the two $20 bills.

And the would-be robbers? “[They] were last seen running south.”

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What’s worse than driving under the influence? is bad. Trying to weasel out of it. So props to this lady for her candor. As reported by The Bee Group Newspapers (Buffalo, NY):

Police responded to an accident on Transit Road. Officers asked the driver where she was coming from, and she said she was drinking at a nearby bar because “I work my butt off and I deserve it.”

I’ll drink to that! (Please – MADD – no more emails!)

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egg_mice.jpgNew Hampshire Federal Judge James R. Muirhead was not amused (okay, he was really amused) when prisoner Charles Wolff included a hard-boiled egg with his request for a better diet. Here is what the Judge had to say, in an Order issued about the filing of the egg:

No fan I am
Of the egg at hand.
Just like no ham
On the kosher plan.

This egg will rot
I kid you not.
And stink it can
This egg at hand.

There will be no eggs at court
To prove a clog in your aort.
There will be no eggs accepted.
Objections all will be rejected.

From this day forth
This court will ban
hard-boiled eggs of any brand.
And if you should not understand
The meaning of the ban at hand
Then you should contact either Dan,
the Deputy Clerk, or my clerk Jan.

I do not like eggs in the file.
I do not like them in any style.
I will not take them fried or boiled.
I will not take them poached or broiled.
I will not take them soft or scrambled
Despite an argument well-rambled.

No fan I am
Of the egg at hand.
Destroy that egg!
Today! today! Today I say! Without delay!

SO ORDERED (with apologies to Dr. Seuss).

Snap. And The Juice was having a bad day.

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As a regular bicycle rider (and commuter), The Juice must confess that, if he lived in Florida, he would be a serial offender of this absolutely ridiculous law. And yes, it’s still on the books.

Title XXIII – MOTOR VEHICLES – Chapter 316 – STATE UNIFORM TRAFFIC CONTROL

316.2065 – Bicycle regulations.

… (7) Any person operating a bicycle shall keep at least one hand upon the handlebars.

Might as well outlaw “things you do for kicks” … Here’s a link to the statute.

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If this is how she treats her sister, The Juice can only wonder how she treats her friends, let alone her enemies … As reported by The Northwest Florida Daily News:

The 15-year-old shared a bedroom with her sister for the last three years, according to the [Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office] report. The sister said she had $2,000 stashed in a hiding place in their room and that the 15-year-old had stolen it.

Do you get the feeling this is not going to end well?

During the argument, the sister admitted that she stole the money and said she had spent it on an Ipod touch and some other items, according to the report.

Uh-oh.

The 15-year-old pushed and slapped her sister during the argument. When the sister pushed her back, the 15-year-old went into the kitchen, grabbed a fork and stabbed her sister in the right side with it, according to the report.

Ouch. While it sounds bad, although it wasn’t a spoon, it could’ve been a knife! With such strong criminal lawyer instincts, clearly The Juice should not be spending his time as a personal injury lawyer.The charges?

The 15-year-old is charged with misdemeanor battery and felony theft of more than $300, according to the report.

Think their family meals will be fun?

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Most of the stuff speaks for itself – but not all of it. Per the Herald-Tribune (Sarasota, Florida):

A homeless man went to court and was arrested on Friday, but the notable part of the story is what he hid from the judge as he stood before him.

The judge sent Neil Lansing to jail, where corrections deputies conducting a routine search in a cell block found part of a condom sticking out of his rectum, the sheriff’s office said.

Conducting those “routine” searches must be a highly sought after assignment.

According to sheriff’s officials: inside the condom they found 17 round blue pills, one cigarette, six matches, one flint, one empty syringe with an eraser over the needle, one lip balm container, one additional unused condom, a receipt from CVS pharmacy and a paper coupon.

A CVS receipt and a coupon? Say what? Adding insult to injury …

Lansing, 33, now faces charges he possessed a drug and a tobacco product inside the Sarasota County Jail. He is being held there without bond.

Click here for the source.