Squeezed on:

True. As reported in The Knox County Times, Camden-Rockport Middle School in New Jersey has banned farting, apparently due to a bunch of superfarting eighth-graders. This is from the Fire Cracker, the school’s newsletter:

Strange, but true, thanks to a bunch of 8th grade boys, intentional farting has been banned from CRMS. It started out as a funny joke and eventually turned into a game. This is the first rule at CRMS that prevents the use of natural bodily functions. The penalty for intentional farting is a detention, so keep it to yourself!

A few questions: (1) If the noise emanates from a group of kids, how will the [?] Fart Monitor know who uncorked it? (2) How will “intent” be determined? (3) Will the teacher supervising the detention get time-and-a-half? A clothes pin? Hey Principal Libby, lighten up. It’s just a phase!

Posted in: Best Of
Squeezed on:
Updated:
Squeezed on:

vampire.jpg

This is really gross and weird. Who likes sucking blood so much that he would do it for 2-3 minutes? Why would you let someone do that? As reported by The Arizona Republic:

A vampire-crazed man was sentenced Monday to three years probation for stabbing a friend who had refused to let him suck his blood.

Some “friend” he turned out to be …

[Aaron] Homer [age 24] stabbed the arm of Robert Maley, 25, of Chandler on Oct. 4 after Maley refused to let him suck his blood a second time, the police report said.

Maley had let Homer suck his blood before, but only because Homer was threatening to cut his ex-girlfriend or her friend. Homer sucked his blood for two to three minutes that time.

Two to three minutes!

On Oct. 4, Homer was demanding to suck his blood a second time.

“I said no, and he flipped,” Maley told police. “He said, ‘I’m doing it,’ and then boom . . . he stabbed me.”

Maley fled from Homer’s apartment on the 600 block of North Alma School Road, leaving a trail of blood in addition to fake blood that Homer or his girlfriend, Amanda Williamson, 21, had spread on the floor, according to the police report.

“They think they are vampires,” said Maley of Homer and Williamson. The pair, he said, are also into paganism.

Homer later admitted to police he stabbed Maley because he was making fun of their “religion.”

How do you get no jail time after admitting that you stabbed someone? Here’s the source.

Posted in: Best Of
Squeezed on:
Updated:
Squeezed on:

transvestite%20transvestites%20tranny%20trannies.jpg

Either these gents did an amazing job with their make-up and clothes, or their pursuer was looking through some mega-thick beer goggles, or both. Regardless, he could’ve handled the discovery that the ladies were gents a little better. As reported by The Marco Eagle:

Josue A. Hernandez, 27, of an unknown Immokalee address, according to reports, was at a bar on Boston Avenue in Immokalee when he learned the people he was socializing with and purchased drinks for, which he believed to be female, “were in fact men dressed in women’s clothing,” according to deputies. He then became irate, breaking bottles, starting fights with other customers and causing a disturbance, deputies said.

A large, fixed-blade, hunting-type knife was discovered in Hernandez’s waistband. The knife, which had a wooden handle and a 6-inch blade, was hidden under his shirt, according to reports. The knife is the kind “normally used for the skinning and gutting of deer and other large animals and was in no way a common pocket knife based on its blade length and design,” deputies said.

Fortunately, it appears he kept the knife sheathed. The charges?

Hernandez was arrested shortly before 1 a.m. Saturday and charged with disorderly intoxication and carrying a concealed weapon.

With all that bottle-breaking and fighting, he probably blew his shot at just plain “orderly intoxication.” Here’s the source, including a photo of the accused.

Posted in: Best Of
Squeezed on:
Updated:
Squeezed on:

flower%20garden%20gardening.jpg

There are folks who garden in more traditional garb (clothes), and then there are the Pierces of Boulder, Colorado. They were spotted gardening in front of their rental unit with very little on – Ms. Pierce was sporting pasties and a thong; Mr. Pierce was was just wearing a thong. Some uptight neighbors called the cops. As reported by the Daily Camera:

… the officers who responded confirmed what the Pierces already believed to be true: Their dress, though scanty, was legal.

As long as a person’s genitalia are covered, no law has been broken, Boulder police spokeswoman Sarah Huntley said.

Yeah! Take that, you uptight, puritanical … What’s that? You say there’s a nuisance clause in my lease? And I’m going to get kick out anyway?

… the Pierces received a letter form Annie Mount at Boulder Housing Partners, their landlord, warning that the behavior was a “nuisance” to the community and needed to be changed. A clause in the Pierces’ lease prohibits “nuisance” behavior, and violating the lease agreement can be grounds for eviction.

Kind of a vague term, no? Yes.

Betsy Martens, executive director of the Boulder Housing Partners, which administers Boulder’s affordable housing program, acknowledged that defining the word nuisance is one of the “most difficult concepts in the law.”

If Boulder tries the nuclear option, the Pierce’s won’t go down without a fight.

“We want our freedom,” Robert Pierce said. “We want exactly what the law gives you, and we don’t want to be harassed about it.”

Squeezed on:

lizard-couch.jpg

No doubt there are many ways to smuggle things into a country. But check out this lizard-smuggling story from KTLA-TV:

A man was arrested at LAX for trying to smuggle 15 live lizards into the United States by strapping them to his chest.

Special agents with the U.S. Department of Fish and Wildlife arrested Michael Plank, 40, of Lomita, as he tried to clear U.S. customs at the airport on a flight from Australia last week.

Agents say the lizards were concealed in a money belt that was strapped to Plank’s torso. Inspectors seized two geckos, eleven skinks, and two monitor lizards. Monitor lizards are a protected species under the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species. The lizards are valued at $8,500 according to U.S. Fish and Wildlife Special Agent Mona Ianelli.

The crime and the time?

Federal law required that travelers declare items brought to the United States from abroad, including wildlife. Concealing the illegal import of wildlife into the United States is a felony. The maximum penalty is 20 years in prison and a $250,000 fine.

Zoinks!

Posted in: Best Of
Squeezed on:
Updated:
Squeezed on:

staples%20staple.jpg

At any given time, most students dislike at least one of their teachers. That said, you can’t just go around putting STAPLES in a disfavored teacher’s coffee! As reported by WHSV (Virginia):

As of Tuesday, charges have been filed against a 15-year-old William Monroe High School student for allegedly putting staples in his teacher’s ice coffee.

In case you might be thinking the charge is a misdemeanor …

At a court hearing Monday, the teen was charged with felony adulteration of food, drink, drugs, cosmetics, etc. with the intent to kill or injure any individual who ingests, inhales or uses such substance.

And if you’re wondering how the staples went down, surprisingly, the answer is: unnoticed.

The victim of the assault, a ninth grade English teacher, unknowingly drank the staple-spiked coffee May 10 but was not seriously injured.

But that may not be the end of it for the teacher.

Maj. Randall Snead, with the Greene County Sheriff’s Office, reports authorities are monitoring the teacher’s condition since the damage caused by the staples may not be readily apparent.

Here’s the source.

Posted in: Best Of
Squeezed on:
Updated:
Squeezed on:

dirty%20dishes%20sinkful%20lots%20filthy.jpg

So this woman, Briana “don’t make me pounce on you” Pouncy, told her live-in boyfriend Joseph Boykins to do the dishes. He didn’t. When she came home to a sink full of dirty dishes, it was on. They argued, and she told Mr. Boykins to leave. When he refused, it got ugly. Per the Fort Worth Star-Telegram:

… police say she bit her boyfriend, broke a picture frame across his face [causing visible cuts] and swung at him with a sword …

Yikes.

Posted in: Best Of
Squeezed on:
Updated:
Squeezed on:

career%20criminal%20Life%20of%20Crime%20spongebob.jpg A 26-year-old man in Northern Ireland has 104 convictions. His crimes include, per The Belfast Telegraph,

… a string of offences including burglary, theft, assault and other dishonesty type offences.

And, per the police, “every single time he was granted bail he broke the conditions.” After a recent arrest, he asked to be let out on bail, and … got it! He was released …

… on the condition that he resides at an agreed address, adheres to a strict curfew, does not enter Belfast in the evening, does not drink any alcohol and takes a breathalyser test any time police request it.

Of course, this time was different, right? Surely he learned his lesson.

When the Telegraph called at his address in Co Down on two occasions this week we were told he was not there — during the hours of a strict curfew.

An occupant at the house said she had not seen him and was unsure of his whereabouts.

Doh! You can read more (a lot) here.

Squeezed on:

condom%20funny%20joke%20costume%20large%20big%20royal%20knights.jpg

Things must not be going well if you get to a place where you need to return a box of condoms for a refund. And, when the clerk won’t give you a refund, you call 911, claiming that you were robbed. As reported in the North Jersey Record,

Kadien Jackson, 21, of Blauvelt, N.Y., told police he made the bogus report to help him get his money back. Instead, he was charged with making a false report — a crime that carries prison time upon conviction.

“So, what are you in for?”

Posted in: Best Of
Squeezed on:
Updated:
Squeezed on:

pow.jpg

One can imagine the would-be abductors talking beforehand: “Hey, how about that kid?” “Sure, why not?” Here’s why not: Not only was he on his way home boxing training, but the kid is “the two-time Australian junior champion and two-time Queensland champion.” As reported in The Cairns Post:

It seemed innocent enough – three people in a mini-van asking for directions at a well-lit intersection at 8pm on Wednesday in the quiet rural community of Yungaburra.

“It seems so innocent,” 15-year-old Jackson said yesterday. “They stopped and asked for directions and I walked up to the campervan to help. The sliding door opened fast and I spun around to see what was happening.

Here it comes …

“Then this bloke grabbed me by the collar and tried to drag me into the van. He was really trying to drag me in but I pulled back with all my weight and then I hit him in the left ear.”

Bam!

It only took one punch from the two-time Australian junior champion and two-time Queensland champion to send the alleged abductors fleeing up Maple St from the scene.

Nice. Here’s the source, including a photo of the pugilist.

Posted in: Best Of
Squeezed on:
Updated: