Legal Juice

Now imagine - if you can - a law that both Bill O'Reilly and Keith Olbermann would agree goes too far. That law outlaws throwing snowballs! And the offending municipality is ... Grand Forks, North Dakota. Here's the law:

9-0123. Throwing rocks, snowballs, and other objects.

(1) It is unlawful for any person to throw or cast, or encourage, aid or assist others in throwing or casting any rock, stone, snowball, or other object into, upon, against, or at any building, structure, automobile street, alley, or other public or private property.

(2) It is unlawful for any person to throw or cast, or encourage, aid or assist others in throwing or casting any rock, stone, snowball, or other object upon or at any person or persons. (Ord. No. 4125, § XIX, 3-20-06)

They have outlawed snowball fights! And even throwing a snowball at ANYTHING! Absurd.

And what about this: you would also technically be breaking the law if you skipped a stone (or a rock!) in a creek. Check it out:

It is unlawful for any person to throw ... any rock, stone ... into ...any ... public or private property.

Well done! A beautifully crafted law. Click here (click on Chapter IX, then Article I, then scroll down to 9-0123) to see this wacky law.

Now, if I titled the post "Vanessa Bryant, Vanessa Bryant ...." would you know who I was talking about? No. But like Prince, Shaq, and Magic, everybody knows who Kobe is. Now they're also going to know a little more about his wife Vanessa, thanks to a lawsuit filed by the couple's former housekeeper, Maria Jimenez, for wrongful termination, among other things. Here are a few of the allegations from the Complaint:

Among other abusive comments, Vanessa called Maria "lazy," "slow," "dumb,""a fucking liar" and "fucking shit." [expletives inserted]

On another occasion, Vanessa derided Maria after Maria said she needed to see a doctor but the Bryants had not paid for her medical insurance. "You're a fucking liar," Vanessa said. [expletive inserted]

Uncool, but check this, um, shit out:

On the final incident, Vanessa screamed at Maria for putting an expensive blouse in the Bryants' clothes washer. Then Vanessa demanded that Maria put her hand in a bag of dog feces to retrieve the price tag for the blouse.

Snap! There's PLENTY more. To view the entire Complaint, click here.

Lots of folks in the United States think our drug laws are too harsh. Maybe, but check out how it is in Malaysia, per The New Straits Times:

KOTA BARU: A 44-year-old Thai carpenter was sentenced to death by the High Court yesterday after he was found guilty of trafficking in cannabis four year ago.

Mohamad Che Soh of southern Thailand was charged with trafficking in 17,062g of cannabis in front of Linda Restaurant in Bukit Bunga, Tanah Merah, at 8.30pm on Jan 4, 2005.

Earlier, Mohamad's lawyer, Wan Jawahir Wan Haron, appealed to judge Datuk Muhamad Ideres Muhamad Rapee to reduce the sentence, saying that his client had repented but it was rejected by the judge.

And ...

MUAR: A 40-year-old labourer was sentenced to death by the High Court yesterday for trafficking in 45.08g of monoacetylmorphine four years ago.

Harun Mukri was found guilty of committing the offence at No. 33 Kampong Parit Tegak, Parit Sulong, Batu Pahat, at 11.30am on July 24, 2005. Judicial commissioner Datuk Ahmadi Asnawi said the prosecution had proved its case beyond reasonable doubt.

He was also sentenced to three years' jail and three strokes of the rotan for another charge of possessing 5.43g of methaphetamine at the same place and time. The court, however, dismissed a third charge of being in possession of 83.8g of cannabis.

Yes, April S. Uwanawich (am I the only one who reads this name and thinks "You Want A Witch?"), was born on 7/7/77. And she is a fortune-teller in Pennsylvania. Just one small problem - it's against the law. As reported in The Pottstown Mercury:

A person is guilty of the charge if they "tell fortunes or predict future events … pretend to effect any purpose by spells, charms, necromancy or incantation, or advise the taking or administering of what are commonly called love powders or potions," reads the statute.

Persons violate the law if they "stop bad luck," "give good luck," "win the affection of a person," or "tell where to dig for treasure," in return for "gain or lucre."

Lucre? How about this stick-up line: You're lucre or you're life! So what did Ms. Uwanawich do?

According to court records and Uwanawich's statement in court to Judge Anthony Sarcione, a woman named Yun Su of Bridgewater, N.J., met her at the "psychic reading" storefront she had operated in Downingtown. There, Su told her that she had been unlucky in love and wanted to find happiness.

Between February and August 2008, the two met many times. Uwanawich said they would go out to dinner or the movies and shop together.

At some point, Uwanawich told Su that she was cursed and that she would have to take deliberate steps to have that cloud lifted from around her. Specifically, she was to put a box under her bed and put coins and cash into the box on a daily basis. Then, after several weeks, Uwanawich went to Su's home and took the box, which she said she needed to "burn the curse," according to the criminal complaint filed by Downingtown Detective Pamela Fentner.

Su turned over the box, which contained $16,320.

I know this will shock you ...

But the disposal of the box did not make any changes in Su's life, and she pressed Uwanawich for more help.

Like she needed to be pressed?

This time, Uwanawich told Su that she should buy urns for $7,000 apiece to help lift the curse. Su bought one, and then ran out of money.

Of course. It's axiomatic that the more expensive an urn, the greater its curse-killing power.

According to [Uwanawich's attorney], when Su confronted Uwanawich with her displeasure of the situation, Uwanawich offered to pay the money back. She turned over about half of the $23,320, but then Su went to police and Uwanawich was charged [with fortune-telling, theft by extortion, theft by deception, and receiving stolen property] on Aug. 4, 2008.

So what happened? Ms. Uwanawich paid all of the money back, in addition to a fine and court costs. She avoided the pokey. Here's the source.

Two drunks guys (Dean Gardener, 19, and Jason Fender, 22) decided to hassle two cross-dressing men. Big mistake. True, the drunk "bully" got one punch off, but that was it. Per The Daily Telegraph:

But the fight is over in a matter of seconds as the other cage fighter, sporting a wig and a sparkling black dress, floors both the assailants with two lightning-quick punches.

(This incident starts at about the 1:00 minute mark in the video below.)

Shazam! Did you see those lightning bolts? (at 1:21 and 1:22 in the video)

The attackers are arrested by police as they stagger down the road. Officers later learned the cross-dressers were actually cage fighters on a fancy dress stag night out.

So that's the crime. The time?

Both men admitted using abusive words and behaviour. They were electronically tagged and given a four-month community order and a curfew from 7am to 7pm.

Here's the source.

Rule number one for a bank robber preparing a note for the teller: make it legible!

Hokc ogll sht es wlll ikkk you! Now!

I totally made that up. In her defense, Stephanie Martin's note probably wasn't that bad. Here's what happened, as reported by kptv.com in Oregon:

Hillsboro police said Stephanie Martin walked into a Wells Fargo bank in Hillsboro and handed the teller a note that read, "Need $300 or I'll kill you. I'm serious."

The teller told Martin she couldn't read the handwriting, police said. Martin then walked to a counter and re-wrote the note on a bank slip, according to Lt. Mike Rouches, of the Hillsboro Police Department.

The teller then hit the silent alarm and the bank's manager asked how he could help Martin, Rouches said.

Note, what note?

Martin then said she wanted to open an account with the bank, according to officers.

They bought it, right?

Police and FBI agents arrived at the scene and arrested Martin

Since EVERYBODY knows about silent alarms, dye packs, etc., there is only one possible explanation: drugs.

... police determined [Martin] was under the influence of drugs ...

Click here for the source, and a picture of Ms. Martin.

I'm not sure how I missed this May 2009 story, but it's none the worse for wear. Bradley Dean Milne, age 33, had a helluva ride. As reported by the Northern Territory News:

Darwin Magistrates Court heard that the couple were planning to drive to East Arm Wharf in the Mazda ute to have sex.

The key word there is "planning." They didn't quite make it ...

Police prosecutor Leigh Cahill said Milne "became aroused" and the woman gave him oral sex while he was driving until they reached the traffic lights at the Berrimah Rd intersection.

Zoinks! But wait ...

They turned right onto Berrimah Rd, and the woman straddled Milne while he kept driving, swerving into the kerbside and back into the middle lane.

Then, after a call from a witness, came the buzz kill, and a truly classic defense offered up by Mr Milne:

When police stopped the car and Milne was asked why he had been drinking - with a blood alcohol concentration of .097 per cent - he said: "Come on, mate. What would you do? We were going to the wharf but we didn't quite get there."

And check out this defense offered up by Mr. Milne's lawyer:

Mr Rowbottam told the court that Milne had not been paying attention to his intoxication, and had been surprised at the reading. "He wasn't concentrating on that - he was concentrating on his amorous situation," he said.

Really? That's what you offer as mitigation? The charges were:

... not wearing a seatbelt, driving without due care and drink-driving when a witness called police after seeing his car swerving all over the road.

The time? No time, just a $1,400 fine and a six-month license suspension.

What? You've never heard of "kick the kitty?" Perhaps that's because it was only recently invented by Nicola Collinson. To see how it's played, though, you'll need her cell phone because she made a video of herself doing it on her phone! Or, perhaps you know one of the people she sent her video to, one of whom sent it to the RSPCA.

What was in the video? Just Nicole picking up a kitten, throwing it into the air like a ball, and then drop-kicking it. And if that's not bad enough, she chased it down and punched it, and drop-kicked it again! Can you can guess her defense? She said she was drunk (I believe that) and doesn't remember anything (bullshit). Here's how the prosecutor described it:

This is what can only be described as a quite wicked case. It was only a kitten and it came (to her) looking for affection. It was suggested that at some stage it might have scratched (her) and that all this happened is really quite shocking.

This defendant took hold of the kitten and drop-kicked it, as if it were a rugby ball. The kitten got to it's feet and went away and it was chased by the defendant who picked it up again and brought it back and did the same thing again. Not only was it drop-kicked but it was also punched.

It was absolutely deliberate, there can be no suggestion it was accidental. And what makes this all the worse is that someone was making a video on a phone camera. You hear laughing and joking.

The video was then sent round to various friends bragging about what happened. But one person was so incensed that they sent a copy to the RSPCA who were able to track who made it.

Ms. Collinson pleaded guilty, and is awaiting sentencing. She almost ended up in the clink pending sentencing. Here's what the judge said:

Having looked at that video of what you did we seriously considered custody. It is appalling that any human can do such a thing to another animal. It is unthinkable and no excuses can be accepted. But we are going to ask for reports in the community band [? - no clue]. We feel you are desperately in need of help.

Um. Yeah.

Attention all cats - WARNING: the following story may be disturbing to your kittens. As reported by wcbstv.com:

A man accused of forcing his 7-year-old daughter to stab the family cat by holding a knife in her hand has reached a plea agreement that would send him to prison for 18 months. Danield John Collins, 39, pleaded guilty Thursday to one count of domestic violence/animal cruelty and two counts of neglect of a dependent. He was being held on $40,000 bond.

If a judge accepts the plea deal, Collins will be sentenced to 18 months in prison and prosecutors will dismiss an intimidation charge. Sentencing was set for Aug. 28.

Collins was arrested March 13 after police said he forced his daughter to stab Boots, the family's 8-month-old cat. The girl and Collins' 11-year-old son said their father ordered them to stab the cat because he wanted them to "learn to kill."

Police said the boy tried to hide the cat from his father, but Collins found the animal and strangled it as his children watched.

Collins said at Thursday's hearing that he was intoxicated when the cat was killed and remembered little about that day's events - other than falling on the cat at some point. He did not dispute his children's account of his actions.

Perhaps Mr. Collins shouldn't drink anymore if this is how he acts when he's feeling uninhibited?

So you say you like to cut your grass in the nude. Hmmm. Then what were you doing, topless, walking down the road? As reported by the Rock Hill Herald [North Carolina]:

Angela Jonas [age 50] ... told officers she likes to cut her grass in the nude, a York County sheriff's report says.

One neighbor complained in the report that Jonas has walked down the road topless several times before. Police tried several times to speak with Jonas when they first arrived, around 7:30 p.m., asking repeatedly why she was walking down the street "naked from the waist up." She could not give a clear answer, officers said in the report.

She was charged with indecent exposure and remained in jail Wednesday morning on $1,000 bond.

Really? You're gonna keep her locked up for that? Uncool. Here's the source, including a photo of Ms. Jonas.