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Willie Cheatham (his real name!) found himself out with his girlfriend, and out of cash. So he called his father about borrowing some money, then took a cab to his house. Per the court:

When he arrived, the men began arguing about the defendant’s habit of borrowing money and about his girlfriend, whom the elder Cheatham called a ‘slut’ and a ‘whore.’

Very, very bad move by the elder Cheatham.

Several minutes later, the defendant [Willie Cheatham] took a knife from the kitchen and proceeded into his father’s bedroom, where he stabbed his father sixty-eight times with two different knives. Also, at some point, the defendant hit his father with a glass vase, fracturing his skull. The defendant took $78.00 from his father before taking a taxi back to the bar where his girlfriend was waiting.

So what do you think happened to Willie?

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Just ask Lennart Widahr, who secretly lived (through two marriages) as a transvestite. He applied to the Swedish National Tax Board (yes, the Skatteverket) to change his name to “Pia.” Oh no they didn’t! That liberal, welfare state? They shot him down. The only way he can change his name to a female name, per the court, is to have a sex change operation. Damn! So they’re encouraging a sex change operation over a name change? Good thing Sweden is not a world power. (Please, Swedes, don’t go nuts with the e-mails.)

You know that Pia (hey, I’m not bound by the Skatteverket, not that I’m encouraging Mr. Widahr to skirt the law) appealed the decision. And he lost.

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Sometimes a little effort goes a long way. Just ask one lawyer, Mr. Puricelli (who represented a man successfully in a civil rights case), who got upbraided for repeatedly failing to fix typos in his court filings. The judge described Mr. Puricelli’s written work as “careless, to the point of disrespectful,” and agreed with the defendants that it was “vague, ambiguous, unintelligible, verbose and repetitive.” What were some of the mistakes? Per the judge:

Throughout the litigation, Mr. Puricelli identified the court as “THE UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT FOR THE EASTER [sic] DISTRICT OF PENNSYLVANIA.” Considering the religious persuasion of the presiding officer, the “Passover” District would have been more appropriate.” [Judge Jacob Hart, presiding]

Mr. Puricelli, on the other hand, felt the court didn’t understand his side of the story. When the defendant asked the court to reduce Mr. Puricelli’s fees [that they were required by law to pay] due to his typos, Mr. Puricelli wrote this reply to the court:

Had the Defendants not tired [sic] to paper Plaintiff’s counsel to death, some type [sic] would not have occurred. Furthermore, there have been omissions by the Defendants, thus they should not case [sic] stones.

Do you think the judge reduced Mr. Puricelli’s fees?

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Back by popular demand, (and subpoena by the Judge of Tigerton Dells), it’s the second installment of “The Adventures of Wickstrom.” (click here for Part One.)

We rejoin “Judge” Wickstrom at the conclusion of his second consecutive nine-month sentence for assuming to act as a public official (judge and clerk). And what, you ask, does Wickstrom do with his newfound freedom? He immediately sues a laundry list of Wisconsin state officials for putting him in prison, including two Attorneys General, the Shawano County District Attorney, several other public officials, witnesses in the criminal case, and “all spouses and kin and/or acquaintences [sic] of the [specifically named] Defendants.” When the state judges refused to grant Wickstrom motion for summary judgment, Wickstrom added the judges to the list of defendants too!

While Wickstrom’s “thirty-four-page, twenty-seven-count complaint lacked the descriptive clarity and precision typically characteristic of pleadings,” it was his filing of “numerous writs, notices, affidavits, and motions” that truly demonstrated his legal acumen. What Wickstrom didn’t understand, however, was that most real judicial orders neither have spelling errors such as “Realease” or “Premptory” in their titles nor are signed by the defendant in a case.

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Ms. Eunice Spry may be the worst foster mother ever. Over the course of 20 years, here is some of the abuse she subjected three foster children to:

She forced sticks down their throats.

She starved the kids for a month, keeping them in a locked room, with no clothes.

She made them eat their own vomit, and rat droppings.

She beat them with metal bars and sticks.

She made them drink bleach.

She used sandpaper on one child’s face.

She force-fed one child so much “washing-up” liquid that he could differentiate brands by taste.

She forced one child to remain in a wheelchair for 4 years after a car crash just so she could collect more money from the government.

She held one child’s hand on a hot light bulb until it turned into a “gooey mess.”

And what did Ms. Spry have to say about this?

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nokian901.jpgA New Zealand doctor took a number of photographs of his … genitalia, with his cell phone. You might ask, “Why?” According to the judge, the reasons “still remain largely inexplicable.” (Maybe he’s nuts – sorry!). Our doctor, whose name the court has not released, tried to send the photos to a female friend with the caption “before.” (I don’t think we’ll ever know what “after” would have been.) Well, the e-mail address was incorrect, so it bounced back. When the doctor tried to delete the photos, he caused them to be archived!

Another sexually explicit e-mail the doctor sent led to the discovery of the “self-portrait.” An Employment Court proceeding followed and, as they say in New Zealand, the doctor was sacked. He appealed. How do you think he fared?

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A California (you were thinking Idaho?) patrolman attended a transvestite party where he paid an entrance fee of between $50-$100 with the expectation of receiving sexual gratification. Damned if he wasn’t getting his money’s worth – participating in sexual acts – when the police raided the party and caught him in the act!

When the party was raided, what do you think happened to Patrolman Warren?

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Wisconsin Secession: “The Adventures Of ‘Judge’ Wickstrom: Part One”
Talk about a sore loser! What should you do if you were “overwhelmingly defeated” in an election for a town’s highest public office? If you are James Wickstrom of Fairbanks, WI, that’s an easy question: secession! And although “the history of secession in this country should have suggested to Wickstrom that his efforts would be futile,” Wickstrom “seceded” from Shawano County, Wisconsin.

He immediately “formed” his own municipality. He printed a public notice in the local newspaper announcing the creation of the “Constitutional Township of Tigerton Dells” and a meeting date to hold elections for officers. Not surprisingly, Wickstrom was “elected” both clerk and municipal judge of Tigerton Dells. But Wickstrom didn’t stop there. He issued liquor and cigarette licenses, filed documents with legitimate state and local offices indicating his judgeship, and even threatened to sue—in his “official capacity”—the Shawano County Clerk “if she did not cooperate with his demand for official printed ballots.”
So what happened to Wickstrom? Was he laughed out of Tigerton Dells? Sentenced to community service?

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Suspected of smoking in the boys room, you are escorted to the principal’s office. Tactically, it’s probably not smart to call the principal a “fucker, a fag, and a fucking fag.” That’s what Mr. L was alleged to have done. And the punishment? Suspension? Expulsion, maybe for a repeat offender? No, young Mr. L was charged with a crime – “Interference with Staff, Faculty or Students of Educational Institutions” – a class three misdemeanor!

His public defender, Eric Vanatta, after asking his client “what the fuck he was thinking” [okay, I added that part], decided to attack the constitutionality of the law, arguing that it violates his client’s right to free speech under both the United States and Colorado Constitutions. He does so by tracing the origin of the word, and discussing, in a hilarious way, how pervasive the word is in our culture. No fucking way (cuff me) I can do this justice. So here it is, the entire Motion to Dismiss the Constitutionality of Fuck, “Fucker” and “Fucking Fag”

from Colorado v. C.L., a Child (Dist. Ct. of Larimer County, Co.)

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So the Idaho Senate decided to pass an “English only” law (Senate Bill 1172). Perhaps they should have looked at their own STATE SEAL that contains the Latin phrase “Esto Perpetua” (which means “let it be perpetual”).

The Juice proposes a new state motto. Instead of “Let it be perpetual,” just “Let it be.”