Squeezed on:

By

Duel%20cats.jpg If your honor has been besmirched, or if someone has 14 items in the “10 items or less” line, and “rock, paper, scissors” just won’t do, consider challenging the offender to a duel. If you are in Rhode Island, though, try flipping a coin. DO NOT CHALLENGE YOUR OPPONENT TO A DUEL.

Merely challenging a person to a duel will get you 1-7 years in jail, as will accepting the challenge, whether the duel is fought or not! And don’t ask your friend to set it up. That offense is punishable by up to 5 years in jail.

Undeterred, you decide to have the duel anyway, netting you another 1-7 years. Go alone. Anyone who helps you, acts as your second, or comes as your “surgeon,” is looking at up to 5 years.

Continue reading →
By
Posted in: Best Of
Squeezed on:
Updated:
Squeezed on:

By

airport%20luggage%20baggage%20search.jpg

Petaluma, California (and its residents) contributed generously to the wacky and weird happenings this year. As reported in The Argus Courier, here are a few:

In June, a Petaluma man apparently didn’t get the memo about what you can and can’t take in your carry-on luggage — he was stopped at a Salt Lake City airport security checkpoint for having a lighter in his bag. Of course, that prompted security to inspect further, finding a glass pipe they thought was used for smoking crack cocaine (the man politely corrected them that no, it was actually a meth pipe). But that’s not all — investigators pulled his checked luggage out and found sex toys and 46 DVDs of sexual videos, many containing child pornography.

Back in Petaluma that same month, a teen boy made a serious bid for “dumb criminal of the year” when he grabbed an iPod off the belt of a woman holding a baby at 24-Hour Fitness in the Great Petaluma Mill.
The victim — baby in arms — gave chase, but the teen jumped a fence and got away. However, since he had to sign in to get inside the members-only gym, the victim ID’d the perp’s membership photo, and police caught up with him at his home.

This fall, two men parked outside the Ross store at Petaluma Plaza learned that if you’re going to shoplift 100 items of clothing during repeated trips inside a store, it’s not a good idea to draw attention to yourself by changing clothes next to your vehicle in the parking lot.

[In July] another man decided to take advantage of the warm summer sun and strolled leisurely along the railroad tracks near Southpoint Boulevard. Were it not for the fact that he wasn’t wearing any clothes and had reportedly masturbated in front of a woman and her children, police might have let him enjoy the rest of his walk

By
Posted in: Wacky
Squeezed on:
Updated:
Squeezed on:

By

i%20love%20my%20car.jpg I don’t think so. Not like Mr. Sandy Wong, of Edmonton. As reported in the Edmonton Sun, here are a few details of his relationship with a BMW:

Wong was busted for masturbating while sitting on the roof of a 2007 BMW 328i sedan on display at the Home and Garden Show at the Northlands AgriCom.

According to psychiatrist Dr. Curtis Woods, Wong says he is “sexually attracted” to the BMW’s rooftop because “it’s curved like a woman’s body, the sex appeal, it felt good.” Court heard Wong also gets aroused by certain classic cars, motorcycles and women with big feet.

Shazam! The time? After pleading guilty to indecent exposure and mischief, he was sentenced to 90 days in jail and 2 years probation.

Squeezed on:

By

proofreader%20trust%20me%20bad%20proofreading.jpg

So you’re an attorney with a trial coming up, but are still recovering from back surgery. You want the court to continue the trial. You even have a doctor’s note! So you file a “Motion for a Continuance” with one teeny, tiny typo:

Plaintiff moves the court for a continuance of the trial for the reason that counsel for the plaintiff is recovering from dick surgery …

Now that has got to hurt! Click here – ouch! – to see the Motion and the doctor’s note (for the injured disk).

By
Posted in: Best Of
Squeezed on:
Updated:
Squeezed on:

By

f%20bomb%20drop.jpg Certainly a Judge must control the courtroom. How a Judge may do this, not surprisingly, is determined by the law. One tool is the power to hold someone in contempt. [Hint: It’s a power used, a lot, below.] According to the Supreme Court, if the sentence imposed for contempt is less than 6 months, there is no right to a jury trial. Now, to our man in Maryland.

In 1990, Mr. Johnson was convicted of malicious destruction of personal property, placed on probation, and given a 3-year suspended sentence. He had to stay out of trouble for 3 years. Unfortunately, in 1991 he was convicted of burglary, and sentenced to 10 years. So Mr. Johnson is in jail for a couple years, when he is called to court for violating his 1990 probation – with just 10 days remaining on the 3-year suspended sentence.

Althought the prospect of serving an additional 3 years – on top of the 10 years he was already serving – did not sit well with him, his probation agent told him that the State would not seek to tack on the additional 3 years for violating his probation. WRONG! The Judge added on the 3 years, and a lively, lengthy, colorful conversation ensued. And just when you think it might be over …

Continue reading →
By
Posted in: Best Of
Squeezed on:
Updated:
Squeezed on:

By

Evil-Doctor.jpg

Dr. Jean-Gilles Blain, a 72-year-old neurologist, will not be accused of being oversensitive. When a patient came to him for an EMG, complaining of numbness in her arm, here’s what he said, as reported on Canada.com:

He called her “fat” several times, told her she ate too much and said her problems were all in her head.

Blain later stuck his hand between her thighs, saying: “How can such a beautiful girl like you be such a fat balloon?” the patient recalled.

The doctor also fell asleep during the consultation and snored, she testified.

Such compassion. What did the Quebec College of Physicians do to Dr. Blain when the patient filed a complaint? No doctoring for 12 months. If that seems a little harsh, it’s likely because Dr. Feelgood was disciplined in 2001, and got remedial training, and was disciplined again in 2003, and got remedial training. To read more (just a little), click here.

Squeezed on:

By

drunk%20very%20person%20man.gif (For the uninitiated, that’s from Animal House.) I have no idea if Christopher Kelly is fat or stupid. I do know that on a recent night, he was incredibly drunk. Here are some highlights of his bender, as reported in This Is Lancashire:

When the story of Christopher Kelly’s escapes were told to magistrates, a probation service officer had to leave the court in fits of laughter.

The court heard that Kelly, 31, of Railway Street, Nelson, had got extremely drunk on lager and vodka during a night out in Morecambe.

Kelly lost his friends, who were celebrating a friend’s birthday and were also drunk, and wandered onto the beach where he got stuck in boggy sand and lost his shoes, trousers and jacket.[Really? He lost his pants in a sand bog? Hmmm.]

Cold and wet, he staggered across the road to Morecambe Town Hall where, seeing a window open, he climbed inside. There he went in various rooms, took a camera and a mobile phone which he tried to use to call his friends.

Then he soiled his underwear which he threw into a black bin bag. [Personally, I would have left that little detail out.]

He found a ‘Grim Reaper’ fancy dress outfit and put this on before leaving the town hall and wandering down Lord Street towards Poulton Square where he eventually arrived at the police station which was, at that time, unmanned. He stood there for three hours, still in the Grim Reaper gear, until police arrived.

Mr. Kelly admitted the crime. [This may have been made easier since some of it was recorded on CCTV.] The time? A six-month conditional discharge and payment of prosecution costs.

By
Posted in: Oops
Squeezed on:
Updated:
Squeezed on:

By

idiot%20on%20board%20stupid.jpg
This crew makes the Montana Board of Barbers and Cosmetologists look great! I’m talking about the Florida Department of Business and Professional Regulation. As reported in The Ledger:

It began in 2005, when Sydney Bacchus, who holds a master’s degree in biology from Florida State University, spoke at a public hearing on behalf of opponents of a proposed sand-mining operation in Putnam County.

You see the problem, right? Of course you don’t! But those pointy-headed bureacrats did.

Soon after the appearance, Bacchus received a “cease and desist” order from the Florida Department of Business and Professional Regulation. Bacchus, the department claimed, was practicing geology without a license.

Would it surprise you to know that the complainant is a genuine state-licensed geologist (and supporter of the sand mine)? I didn’t think so.

Then those geniuses on the Board tried to fine Ms. Bacchus up to $5,000, and have her reprimanded. So she sued the Board, and they caved, dropping the case against her. What do you think the Judge said when the Board asked that her suit [against the Board] be thrown out? Nope. Now the Board has offered her $100,000 to settle the case! To read more, click here.

Squeezed on:

By

judge%20mean%20evil%20nasty%20bad.bmp Former Texas Justice of the Peace Thurman Bartie is running for Jefferson County Commissioner. Why “former” JP? Because he was kicked off the bench. Okay, he resigned, then he was removed. According to the Texas Judicial Conduct Commission, among other things, Bartie “punched a juvenile in the chest, and hit another juvenile on the head with his knuckles.” Also, “on at least one occasion, [Bartie] brought juvenile twin brothers into his chambers and engaged in corporal punishment.” There’s much more. As reported in The Southeast Texas Record:

Bartie also had magistrate duties at the Jefferson County Correctional Facility and, according to the Tribunal Order, on several occasions told the inmates that he was planning to have sex with their wives while they were incarcerated.

In another incident referred to by the Tribunal, Bartie tried to intervene in a Port Arthur police investigation after his brother-in-law was stopped for driving while intoxicated. Records submitted to the Tribunal showed that Bartie asked officers to let him drive his brother-in-law’s vehicle away, but changed his mind when the officers found crack cocaine in the vehicle. [Nevermind!] Bartie ordered that his brother-in-law be released on a personal recognizance bond, which he himself later signed.

When a local reporter attempted to investigate the allegations that Bartie was abusive to litigants, the JP had the reporter removed from court, used obscene language and called the reporter a racist.

The Review Tribunal stated that records presented to them indicated that while on the bench Bartie threatened to hit juveniles on the head with his gavel … He also removed his belt and encouraged parents to whip or beat their children with the belt.

Just how offensive was Bartie’s language? I don’t know!

Justice Catherine Stone, who wrote for the Tribunal, found the language so offensive that it was omitted from the opinion and added that Bartie, “while sitting in his judicial capacity, used some of the most vulgar and offensive language imaginable.”

“The nature and frequency of the extremely obscene language employed by respondent are, standing alone, sufficient to warrant his removal from office and the prohibition from holding judicial office in the future,” Stone wrote.

To read the entire opinion of the Texas State Commission on Judicial Conduct, click here. You can read the Southeast Texas Record article here.