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The scale of this formal postal worker’s thievery is truly mind-boggling. As reported by 9news.com, he stole about 11,000 packages over a 2-year period!

Schmauder targeted packages sent from retailers like Amazon.com, looking for DVDs and CDs he could re-sell. Additionally, Schmauder stole Victoria’s Secret lingerie which he gave to his wife. He admitted to stealing as many as 50 packages a night for two years.

What did he do with all that stuff?

Schmauder resold the stolen items to Angelo’s Movies, Music and Gifts, a Littleton store which bills itself as the largest independent music store in the Denver area. Receipts showed Angelo’s paid Schmauder $85,174 for 11,829 items.

Sweet Mary! The sentence?

U.S. District Court Judge Christine Arguello sentenced Schmauder to 30 months, or two and a half years, in federal prison, the maximum according to sentencing guidelines …

You can read more (a fair amount, including information on his mental illness defense) and see a video of the story here.

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If you don’t follow Legal Juice on Twitter (@LegalJuice), the bird gets it. And rumor has it that Mr. Wile E. Coyote is ending his longstanding relationship with Acme for “a more reliable supplier.” When asked if maybe he’s the problem, not the equipment, Mr. Coyote maintained his characteristic silence.

And don’t forget to like Legal Juice on Facebook.

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Rule number one: Make sure the getaway car has enough gas to get away! Rule number two: Don’t commit your crime in full view of surveillance cameras. A man in Albany, Georgia broke both rules, and will no doubt pay a hefty price. As reported by WALB:

An Albany car dealership has a big mess to clean up. Thanksgiving night a man broke in to the Five Star Nissan showroom, stole a vehicle, and shattered glass windows as he drove right out the building.

You already know how he was caught.

He ran out of gas in Early County though [and was hanging out by the car!] and is now in police custody.

To read more (a fair amount) click here.

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This simple plan failed in the execution (of the plan, not the flies …). As reported in The Nanjing Morning Post:

Police in Nanjing, Jiangsu province, recently arrested three men who cheated restaurants of money after putting dead flies in their food.

Wu, Wang and Zheng, all in their 20s and jobless, extorted money from three restaurants using this modus operandi, threatening to smash the eatery if they are not compensated.

Smash the joint? Crude, but definitely faster than filing a lawsuit. So how were they caught?

They were arrested after a restaurant owner spotted them putting a fly in their food and phoned the police.

Should have eaten the evidence …

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Most of you are too young to remember that Henny Youngman punchline. Anyway, why do so many people who have done something wrong, like this gent, call the police? As reported in Al-Watan Arabic Daily:

A Kuwaiti man filed a missing person’s report on his Moroccan wife at Maidan Hawalli Police Station. 
Police managed to identify the wife’s hideout and summoned her for interrogation.

The woman’s story, however, shocked police. She said her husband offered her to another man to have sex in exchange for dropping his loans. Hence, the woman said, she ran away and insisted that she would not return.

So much for “You’ve made your bed, now lie in it.

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No worries using the phone in the police station lobby under normal circumstances. Unfortunately for a certain young man in Eugene, Oregon, these were not normal circumstances! As reported in The Register-Guard:

A man suspected of bank robbery, who apparently just wanted to phone his parents, was arrested Wednesday. His mistake: making the call from the Eugene police station lobby. “I just assume that he didn’t believe that we’d recognize him,” Detective Ralph Burks said.

Note to self: Doh!

Police arrested Nathan Alan Bramlage, 23, about two blocks from the police station after an officer spotted him in the lobby and apparently recognized him from a surveillance tape of the bank robbery, which had occurred the previous day.

The officer alerted detectives, who trailed Bramlage on foot and arrested him without incident. He was booked into the Lane County Jail on charges of second-degree robbery as well as violating probation on an earlier charge of delivering heroin.

The arrest was made a little more than 24 hours after police responded to the Wells Fargo bank at 99 E. Broadway in downtown Eugene. A man had approached a teller, claimed to have a gun and left with an undisclosed amount of cash, police said. The bank also is just a few blocks from the police station where Bramlage came to use the public phone in the lobby.

With everything so close together, how about that minimal carbon footprint? Here’s the source.

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Outrageous, right? But true. As reported by UPI:

Police in Australia have set what they describe as “very generous limits” for an upcoming auto race [The Bathurst 1000]

The limit?

… no more than a case of beer a day for adults.

Holy shiznit. You know Aussie’s like their beer if a case a day is a “limit.” For The Juice, it would mean death by alcohol poisoning. And if you’re not a beer drinker:

Racing fans who do not like full-strength beer have other choices. They can bring in 36 cans of beer with alcohol content of 3.5 percent or less, a case of pre-mixed cocktails or up to 4 liters (about 8 quarts) of wine.

Zoinks. That’s a lot of booze!

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If Pennsylvania residents Kimberly Holzlein and Jill Hillard ever offer you ANY food or drink, don’t take it! Why not? Per The Citizens Voice:

The two were charged with neglect of a care-dependent person while they were employees of ARC of Wyoming County.

The charges stem from accusations that Holzlein and Hillard served feces as pudding and urine as lemonade to a mentally challenged woman in their care during the summer of 2008 at an ARC group home in Tunkhannock Township.

They pleaded guilty. The sentence?

… up to a year in prison … [with] a minimum of 30 days.

Here’s the source.

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Let’s just say this story involves seeking comfort from an animal, specifically, a donkey. You have been warned. As reported in The Sunday News:

In an incident that left the people of Filabusi dumbstricken, a 71-year-old widower was last week arraigned before the courts after he was caught raping a donkey.

The accused, Edwin Ndlovu, resides at Lunyame Village [in Zimbabwe] under Chief Bekezela Sibaya. He was charged for contravening section 74 of the criminal law (Codification and Reform Act) chapter 9:23, Beastility.