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What’s up with the whole paddling thing? It makes about as much sense as any other hazing ritual. (“Thank you sir may I have another?”). Why all the “paddle” talk? A paddler from across the pond is in the soup because of his paddling ways. As reported by kotatv.com:

Police spokesperson, Tarah Heupel said Tuesday that 54-year-old [United Kingdom resident] David Spencer offered to sell the clerk a paddle on Saturday. When she turned him down, he told her she could spank him six times for one dollar. Finally, she allowed him to spank her once so he would leave her business but then he spanked her a second time without her permission.

Just couldn’t walk away David. Bad move. Why?

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Since this is life, not South Park, this bird will not be back (unlike Kenny). And his passing did not sit well with the owner. Let’s just say he was fired up. As reported by The St. Petersburg Times:

A man angry that his roommate’s dog ate his bird retaliated …

Bad dog. So how did the man retaliate?

According to arrest reports, [Christopher E. Thrap, 35] went into the locked bedroom of a man who rents a room from him and took numerous personal items, including a mattress, television and clothes.

Thrap put the items [worth about $5,600] on the lawn and set them on fire, arrest reports show. He told police he was angry that the man’s dog had eaten his “expensive bird,” an arrest report states.

Any relief he felt was no doubt short-lived.

[Mr. Thrap] was arrested by Clearwater police Saturday evening and charged with burglary and felony criminal mischief. On Sunday afternoon, he was being held in the Pinellas County Jail on $5,000 bail.

You’ll find the source here.

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If you’re a dog person, and your dog is sick, you’re going to be upset. But what if the vet tells you that your dog is fine? This story from The Hamilton Spectator (Ontario) illustrates that sometimes, hell oftentimes, things don’t make sense.

Police say the two downtown Hamilton residents took their dog to the vet’s office on Highway 8 in Greensville just after 6 p.m. and – although he and his assistant were closing up and leaving for the night – the vet agreed to open up and examine a growth on the dog’s body.

No good deed goes unpunished …

When he returned from the examination room a few minutes later and told the couple the growth was nothing to worry about …

They were ecstatic, right? Nope.

… the woman became very angry and pulled a large knife from her backpack and menaced the doctor and the assistant.

When the assistant tried to call 911, the woman slashed the phone cord with the knife. The man with her then armed himself with a hammer from the backpack but did not raise it in a threat.

WTF is wrong with you people?

Sergeant Terri-Lynn Collings said a cleaner who was in another part of the building heard the commotion and called police.

Admit it. This is getting exciting.

While the cleaner was calling, the vet got between the woman and his assistant, allowing his staff member to scoot out of the room to safety. The doctor then ran out the front door to a neighbour’s home and called 911.

Well done sir. And the perps?

The man and the woman and their dog ran from the office as police began to swarm into the area.

The pair were caught hiding in a nearby yard as the woman was trying to call a cab.

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Honestly, sir, get a life. Don’t look at it. Move to the mountains. Read the Constitution. But please, don’t waste anyone’s time with your complaints about this decal!!!!! As reported by Great Falls Tribune (Montana):

Brian Smith is tired of coming home from work to see what he calls pornography [see above] staring him in the face from across the alley.

Smith, who lives on the 1600 block of 1st Avenue North, said the problem began when he noticed a large decal on the back window of a car in the parking lot of Quality Life Concepts. The decal is a white silhouette of a naked woman.

“To me, this has crossed the line,” he said.

What does the decal’s owner think?

Offensive or not, Shanna Weaver, who owns the car and decal in question, said it’s her right to display the picture.

“It’s my freedom of speech, which he can’t take away,” Weaver said. “It’s no different than the mud flaps that you see on trucks.”

What do you have to say to that, sir [other than that you want all those mud flaps on trucks across the country removed]?

Smith feels differently. There are certain parts of the body in that silhouette that neither he nor his wife, Louise, like to look at when they pull into their garage directly across from Quality of Life Concepts, where Weaver works — and parks.

“My upbringing dictates that the human body is a sacred thing, not something that should be put on display,” Smith said.

Perhaps your upbringing would have been aided with a dose of tolerance. With such disparate views on the subject, could they work this out?

Smith and Weaver confirmed in separate interviews that Smith talked to Weaver about the decal, telling her that he didn’t like looking at it and asking if she could back her car into her parking spot or park it somewhere else where the decal didn’t face his house. Weaver initially agreed, honoring Smith’s request for one day. The next day, the decal was back in Smith’s view.

Although The Juice prefers to back in, good for her! But that wasn’t the end of it for Mr. Smith.

That’s when Smith wondered if he could take his complaint to the police. Smith’s point of view is that the sticker on the back of Weaver’s car is pornography, and it should be illegal to display it in public.

A police officer dispatched to check out the decal determined that the illustration didn’t fit the city or state’s statute defining obscenity. The legal spat between Smith and Weaver never made it past a complaint with the Great Falls Police Department …

You can read more (a lot) here.

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Truth be told, The Juice isn’t a Kohl’s guy either. But some people get really excited about shopping there …

A man from Oconomowoc, accused of fondling himself in a department store, was charged Monday with one count of Lewd and Lascivious Behavior.

According to the criminal complaint, Daniel Wagner, 38, was seen masturbating in a Kohl’s Department store on St. Paul Ave. in April.

Wagner was also charged with Disorderly Conduct. If convicted, he faces up to a year in prison.

(The above is from a report by Wisconsin station TMJ4 at todaystmj4.com.)

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What do you do when your live-in girlfriend comes home early, and your Craigslist date arrives at the door? Perhaps it shouldn’t be all that surprising that a two-timer, when caught in a situation like this, wouldn’t just come clean. As reported by The Gazette (Colorado Springs):

Five Colorado Spring police officers sped to the aid a man and his girlfriend early Wednesday who pleaded for help from a person outside his house supposedly wielding a gun.

All they found was his “other woman.”

Really? Who would think that would work? Well …

Police suspect the frenzied rush came when Keith Gaylor, 24, called 911 to convince his girlfriend that the woman at his door was a burglar and not his date.

Gaylor met the “other woman” on Craigslist and agreed to meet her at his home in the 4900 block of Picturesque Circle, according to the Colorado Springs Police Department.

Gaylor’s plan met a hitch, however, when his live-in girlfriend arrived home unexpectedly, police said.

While his date knocked on the door shortly after 3 a.m., Gaylor called 911 and reported that a person was trying to break down the door, police said. Gaylor added the woman had a gun — prompting five officers to speed to his home.

Hmm. 3 a.m.? Not your typical dating hour.

Police immediately detained the supposed burglar, but soon let her go free.

As for Mr. Gaylor …

Officers served Gaylor a summons for false reporting to authorities, a misdemeanor.

Not so good under pressure, that one. Here’s the source.

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Nation, you’ve probably heard this expression before: “I may not agree with what you say but I will defend to the death your right to say it.” Fuhgettaboutit. Not in these times. Reinforcing that notion, as reported by wkrn.com …

A Nashville man says he and his 10-year-old daughter were victims of road rage Thursday afternoon, all because of a political bumper sticker on his car.

Give me an “O” ..

He said Harry Weisiger gave him the bird and rammed into his vehicle, after noticing an Obama-Biden sticker on his car bumper.

Duren had just picked up his 10-year-old daughter from school and had her in the car with him.

“He pointed at the back of my car,” Duren said, “the bumper, flipped me off, one finger salute.”

But it didn’t end there.

Duren told News 2 that Weisiger honked his horn at him for awhile, as Duren stopped at a stop sign.

Once he started driving again, down Blair Boulevard, towards his home, he said, “I looked in the rear view mirror again, and this same SUV was speeding, flying up behind me, bumped me.”

Duren said he applied his brake and the SUV smashed into the back of his car. He then put his car in park to take care of the accident, but Weisiger started pushing the car using his SUV.

Duren said, “He pushed my car up towards the sidewalk, almost onto the sidewalk.”

Damn!

Police say Harry Weisiger is charged with felony reckless endangerment in the incident.

Here’s the source.

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Do you think you would wake up while someone was setting your pants on fire? This gent didn’t. As reported by nj.com:

A 47-year-old Trenton man suffered burns to his leg when his pants were set on fire last night after he fell asleep on the front porch of his home, police said.

The man awoke around 9 p.m. on the 1200 block of East State Street to find his pant leg on fire, police said.

Is The Juice the only one who thinks this guy was shitfaced?

The man was taken to the hospital and treated for second-degree burns to his calf.

The man told police no one was in the area when he awoke and no suspects have been identified. The case remains under investigation.

Here’s the source.

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Sorry to break the news (okay, not exactly “break”), but you know that flute part of the song that goes “I come from the land down under…”? It was cribbed! And that’s final! Per theaustralian.com:

The High Court denied the band’s bid to appeal a federal court judge’s earlier ruling that the group had copied the signature flute melody of Down Under from the children’s classic Kookaburra Sits in the Old Gum Tree.

Kookaburra was written more than 70 years ago by Australian teacher Marion Sinclair for a Girl Guides competition. The song went on to become a favorite around campfires from New Zealand to Canada. The wildly popular Down Under remains an unofficial Australian anthem.

How big of a hit was the song?

Down Under and the album it was on, Business As Usual, reached No. 1 on the Australian, American and British charts in early 1983. That year, Men at Work won the Grammy Award for Best New Artist.

So what did the court award?

The judge later ordered Men at Work’s recording company, EMI Songs Australia, and Down Under songwriters Colin Hay and Ron Strykert to pay fove per cent of royalties earned from the song since 2002 and from its future earnings.

Probably some serious coin. You can read more here.