Legal Juice

The Juice definitely doesn't - and not just because it would reduce the amount of material out there. Anyway, talk about a harmless prank. And a damn funny one too ... Check this out, as reported by khou.com:

What happens when you drop the C and the L from class? You get in trouble, that’s what.

Three Cypress Ridge High School students were suspended and fined $135 each for allegedly pulling a prank in the senior class photo.

Seniors posed for the panoramic photos last month. First, there was a formal picture with students in the front row wearing t-shirts that spelled out "Class of 2010."

So far, no problem. But then ...

The second panoramic was an informal shot. The students were allowed to move around so they rearranged themselves, leaving only "ass" on the front row.

"I heard C and L ran off. That’s not ass’s fault. That’s C and L’s fault, said senior Austin Knight. "It was funny and they shouldn’t have been punished."

Right on, sir! You have just been awarded "quote of the month" - "That's not ass's fault."

But it was the three students wearing A, S and S that got in trouble. Along with the fine and suspension, they lost their positions as officers for various clubs.

"S" man George Bermudez, who was the senior class secretary, said it was an accident.

Cy-Fair ISD officials didn’t buy that story.

In a statement, the district said: "Three students were disciplined in accordance with the Student Code of Conduct. "

Uncool. Here's the source, including video.

I think the subject of this post would agree with Saint Jerome, who said that "The friendship that can cease has never been real." As reported in the Sun Star Courier:

A Columbia Station [Ohio] man was arrested Sunday for allegedly stealing a car from his friend. The man allegedly pushed his friend out of the car, took the keys and drove off while the pair was at the Royalton Road Shell station. The man was arrested about an hour after he took the car.

Cold. Stone cold. Time to get a dog?

Some people just want to be left alone, regardless of one's intentions to assist them. An Oklahoma man learned this the hard way. As reported by kxii.com:

It was a surreal scene yesterday at a Durant elementary school when a reckless driver confronted by a Good Samaritan hits him with his car, flashes an obscene gesture for all to see, and then takes off with the man still on the hood of his car.

Um, you can just drop me off here.

Durant Police say the victim went to confront 23-year old Johnathan Olive after he'd wildly circled Robert E. Lee Elementary School in his Camaro around 2:30 p.m.

When he tapped on the glass and asked Olive to roll down the window, he refused. The man then walked in front of the car [not the best of match-ups], and Olive hit the gas, throwing the victim onto the hood and traveling about four blocks with the man still atop the car. When the man pleaded with Olive to stop, police say he made an obscene gesture and laughed.

Just a tad sadistic?

He then entered a church parking lot and made several circles trying to throw the man off the car, before he was unable to hang on any longer. Thankfully the man escaped with only minor cuts and scratches. Olive fled the scene but was located a short time later by police.

The charges?

He was booked into the Bryan County Jail for Assault and Battery with a dangerous weapon, DUI, driving while suspended, and possession of marijuana.

Doubtful that Mr. Olive is still laughing...

Olay hires Twiggy (age 60) to promote a product (the Definity eye illuminator) that supposedly makes your eyes look younger. Said the ad, next to a photo of Twiggy ...

Olay is my secret to brighter-looking eyes.

There's just one small problem - the photo was airbrushed! I kid you not. And it was for this reason, as reported by The Guardian, that the ad ...

... has been banned by the advertising watchdog, after more than 700 complaints gathered for a campaign against airbrushing in ads by the Liberal Democrat MP Jo Swinson.

In its ruling, the ASA said that it considered that the post-production retouching of the original ad, specifically in the eye area, could give consumers a "misleading impression of the effect the product could achieve".

A combination of the retouching and the language of the ad was likely to mislead consumers, it ruled.

What was Procter & Gamble's (they own Olay) defense?

P&G said that there would "always be differences between uncomplimentary paparazzi shots and professional beauty photographs".

Really? Just fess up. You perpetrated a fraud (albeit not earth-shattering). You got caught. You're sorry. And it won't happen again. But Nooooooooooooo! (channeling John Belushi from SNL) ...

P&G added that it was "routine practice to use post-production techniques to correct for lighting and other minor photographic deficiencies before publishing the final shots as part of an advertising campaign".

That's your defense? That this shit happens all the time? Nevertheless ...

The company said that there had been some "minor retouching" around Twiggy's eyes, which was inconsistent with its own policies; this had already prompted it to withdraw the original ad and replace with one in which there was no post-production work around the eyes.

Here's the source, with a picture of the ad.

Having been ticketed for almost every imaginable violation of the traffic code (parking too close to an intersection, parking too close to an alley, parking too far from the curb, parking at a broken meter [under prior law], along with all the typical violations), the Juice no longer parks illegally. Back in the day, though, say, when he was 28, like Englishman Michael Raphel, he would park just about anywhere.

It would not be a stretch to assume that Mr. Raphel's carefree parking days are behind him too. Why? Because the police blew up his illegally parked car! As reported by The Telegraph:

Michael Raphel, 28, left his £18,000 red Honda Civic Type R on double yellow lines less than a quarter of a mile from Number 10.

But, fearing a potential terrorist attack, the Metropolitan Police carried out two controlled explosions after CCTV footage showed him running from the parked vehicle.

The force of the blast blew the doors off and smashed the windows, leaving the car wrecked.

£18,000! ($30,000 US!) Alright, pal, what were you really doing there?

... visiting London to celebrate a friend's birthday ...

How did Mr. Raphel react?

''We have laughed about it a bit now but I'm bit gutted to be honest.

''I know in this day and age they have to be suspicious but I didn't feel this was warranted.

''I wasn't treated badly, but they could've been a bit more tactful.

''The car was registered to me, I'm sure there are ways they could have contacted me if they had really tried to.''

Agreed. Here's the source.

You'll have to excuse the pun (you'll see what I'm talking about), but this was extremely uncool. From the Times Herald-Record:

A man who stuffed his 98-year-old mother’s dead body in a freezer chest and then cashed her Social Security money was sentenced to six months in jail on Friday.

Roland “Jack” Auslander, 70, stuffed Herta Auslander in the freezer at their Cooks Falls home after she died of natural causes, cashing her social security checks for at least 18 months and forging her signature. Troopers found the body in October 2008. Auslander was arrested five months later after hiding in Pennsylvania and Delaware County, and pleaded guilty to the charges in Sullivan County.

He only faced charges related to grand larceny and defrauding social security. There is a pending misdemeanor charge in Delaware County of unlawfully disposing a body.

Auslander appeared for sentencing with his attorney Gerald Orseck, wearing a sling around his arm and a surgical glove on his hand. Orseck asked Judge Frank LaBuda for probation because Auslander is gravely ill with cancer. He recently had surgery to remove melanoma from his hand.

Auslander told probation officers that he kept his mother in the freezer because he couldn’t bear to part with her. The county’s probation department recommended probation. But LaBuda said he did not find Auslander’s explanation credible. He ordered a mental health examination to go with the six-month jail sentence and five years probation.

“Anyone who buries his mother in his own freezer is not thinking right,” LaBuda said.

District Attorney Steve Lungen argued for prison because of Auslander’s extensive criminal history that includes 22 arrests and a prison sentence for drug dealing. He could have faced up to 2 1/3 to 7 years.

“The bottom line is that he put his mother in the freezer because he couldn’t bear to part with her Social Security checks,” Lungen said.

Auslander won’t have to report to the Sullivan County Jail until Friday. He stood outside the courtroom afterwards, saying he was heavily medicated when he packed his mom away.

“I accept responsibility for what I did,” Auslander said. “I wouldn’t have entered a plea otherwise.”

Here's the source.

As a daily bicycle commuter, it pains me to blast a fellow cyclist. All I can say about this gent is ... DUDE! From The Cairns Post:

A drunken cyclist wobbled along a highway before falling off his bike into a ditch in front of police.

Police say the 26-year-old Feluga man’s blood alcohol concentration was more than five times the limit when they breath-tested him after he crashed on the Bruce Highway at Tully.

They say he returned a reading of 0.28 per cent just after the incident, which happened about 10.50pm on Saturday.

The man was charged with riding a bicycle whilst under the influence of liquor, and will appear in the Tully Magistrates Court on November 19.

Uncool, very uncool.

Are we really still in this state of paranoia, such that Middle Easterners can't take photos in the United States without arousing suspicion? Sadly, the answer is "yes," for at least one police officer in Athens, Georgia. Per the Athens Banner-Herald:

An Athens-Clarke police officer questioned four Middle Eastern men he saw taking photos of the downtown police station about 6 p.m. Friday, but the men had valid visas and said they were tourists, so he didn't detain them.

Whew. That was a close one, no? No.

The men, all from Cairo, Egypt, and in their 40s or 50s, were standing back to back in a square at the corner of Lumpkin and Washington streets, capturing a panoramic view of the area with their cell phone cameras, the officer wrote in his report. Two men also specifically took a photo of the nearby police station, the officer wrote.

When the men saw the officer, they walked away but stopped at a Clayton Street clothing store, where the officer asked why they were taking photos of the police station.

The men said they were on their way to a conference in Alabama and were just taking snapshots of Athens while they were here, but couldn't relay much more information because of a language barrier, the officer wrote.

Hmm. The old "no hablo ingles." Interesting.

Yes, Mr. 9-year bus driver, they are. As reported in The State Register-Journal:

A Springfield Mass Transit District bus driver received a one-day unpaid suspension recently for wearing a pink tie to help raise awareness for breast cancer.

The driver had to serve the suspension, but his action also led to the SMTD agreeing that employees could wear pink on Fridays in recognition of National Breast Cancer Awareness Month in October.

William “Bill” Jones, 46, said he didn’t think wearing a pink tie on the first Friday of the month would be a problem, since National Breast Cancer Awareness Month is a nationally recognized event.

Incredible, no? You can read the rest of the article here.

This is how you [allegedly] treat your disabled wife? Per the Worcester, Massachusetts Telegram:

Wayne G. Prinsen, 50, of 5 Spring St., Spencer, was released on personal recognizance and ordered to stay away and have no contact with his wife in accordance with a restraining order. He was charged with assault and battery, assault and battery with a dangerous weapon (a shod foot), assault and battery on a disabled person and intimidation of a witness.

According to court documents, a family member called police Sept. 23, concerned that Mr. Prinsen had injured his wife. Police went to the home and found the alleged victim, who was upset.

Police said she told an officer that she had risen at 3:30 a.m. to make her husband’s lunch because she had not been feeling well the night before when she normally would have made him a sandwich. The woman suffers from fibromyalgia, an incurable disease that causes pain, sleeping problems, stiffness and headaches, according to the National Institutes of Health, Department of Health and Human Services.

She told police she was taking out peanut butter and jelly along with meat when Mr. Prinsen warned her that he would be leaving in 5 minutes. She told him the lunch would be ready and he responded by punching her in the stomach and kicking her, the report said. He also broke a telephone. She went upstairs and he left for work at a home improvement store in Shrewsbury.

Police wrote that the woman had “contusions” on her stomach and knee from the assault and they sought an arrest warrant for Mr. Prinsen.

He will be back in court for a pretrial hearing on Nov. 19.

Cold. Ice cold.

So this guy's estranged wife visited him regularly. How did he repay her kindness? He put mercury in her tea! At least five times! Why? So that when she got sick, he could take care of her, and win her back. How much jail time do you get for something like this? Zippy. Nada. Zilch. Squadoosh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There are mitigating factors. But still, not a single day in jail? To read the entire story at Metro.co.uk, and to see a video report, click here.

Definitely not the way to treat your daughter... As reported by the Gainesville Sun:

Sometimes throwing pizza is a crime.

That was the allegation that resulted in the arrest of a 38-year-old Gainesville man early Friday morning. The man, whose name is being withheld to protect the identity of the victim, is charged with child abuse without great harm, a felony.

Sometime after 10 p.m. Thursday the man told his daughter to turn the music off on the computer. According to an Alachua County Sheriff's Office report, he said something like: "Get off the computer you [racial slur]-loving [sexist insult]."

The girl, whose age was not immediately available, refused and fired back with some crude language of her own.

"The defendant then intentionally threw a slice of pizza at the victim, striking her in the back of the neck, against her will," according to the report by Deputy Nick Vickers.

The girl called 911 and her father was arrested.

Um. Er. Sorry?

Up his ass! And other places in the vicinity... Although the Juice does not *** expletives, fox12idaho does. Here's a portion of the transcript of a Boise, Idaho man's arrest:

Officer #3: Do you feel this?

Complainant: Yes, sir.

Officer #3: Do you feel that? That's my -

Complainant: okay

Officer #3: Taser up your a**.

Complainant: Okay

Officer #3: So don't move.

Complainant: I'm trying not to. I can't breathe.

Officer #3: Now do you feel this in your balls?

His cajones too?

Complainant: I do, sir. I'm not going to move. I'm not gonna move.

Officer #3: Now I'm gonna tase your balls if you move again.

A minute later, this exchange occurred:

Officer #3: Okay, I'm gonna take this taser out of your a**hole now. Are you going to fight with me?

Complainant: No, not at all, sir.

That there's some mighty fine police work ... The "Complainant" complained and

Last week an ombudsman reported the police officers did use excessive force. That ruling came about because of that second round of tape we played you in which the officer threatened to taser the man's genitalia, and did taser his buttocks.

And yes, the guy is filing suit against Boise. Wouldn't you? (The other side: "The Police were initially called to the man's house in response to a domestic dispute. They say the man pushed against the door to keep them out, and also yelled profanity.") Here's the source.

Custodian Stephen L. Thompson must really dislike a certain Clark County court reporter. We know this because he urinated on her chair. How do we know this? Per the courier-journal.com:

A probable-cause affidavit filed in Clark Superior Court said an employee with the county circuit court discovered a “wet substance” on her chair upon arriving at work July 15.

Okay, so how do they know it was Mr. Thompson?

Following that, a hidden surveillance camera was installed.

Doh! Mr. Thompson was then caught on tape.

Thompson was arrested when he arrived for work and later posted bail, according to Jeremy Mull, Clark County's chief deputy prosecutor.

The charges?

...attempted battery by body waste

What, you've never heard of attempted battery by body waste? Here's the source.

The old saw remains true: if it's sounds too good to be true, it is. So how did former high school secretary Caroline McNeal allegedly assure that her daughter increased her grades and SAT scores? Per The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette:

The first clue that something was amiss came when a high school guidance office employee in fall 2007 noticed that the SAT college entrance exam score in the school computer for Ms. McNeal's daughter was higher than the one sent by the College Board, 1730 vs. 1370.

Further investigation showed the girl's grades had been altered about 193 times in 24 courses between May 30, 2006 and July 12, 2007, covering school years from 2003-04 through 2006-07.

Many of the changes boosted grades that were already in the 90s, such as changing an accelerated social studies term grade from 94 to 95 and a family and consumer sciences final grade from 98 to 100.

In some cases, the increase was significant, such as raising an exam grade in advanced algebra from 69 to 94.

But that's not all. She's also charged with reducing the grades of two other girls!

The girls had higher class ranks than Ms. McNeal's daughter did before the grades were altered.

According to the affidavit, the grades of the two girls were changed by a couple of percentage points, such as reducing one's advanced algebra grade for one term from 96 to 94 and the other's accelerated English grade for a term from 96 to 93.

All very uncool, and felonious.

[Ms. McNeal] was charged with 29 counts of unlawful use of a computer and 29 counts of tampering with public records, all third-degree felonies.

Click here to read more.

I guess it depends on what you mean by "helping." If you mean helping the possible jumper - who had been standing on the bridge for hours - make up his mind, then yes, Lai Jiansheng provided a helping hand to Chen Fuchao. Lai approached Chen and shook his hand, then pushed him off the bridge! Luckily for Chen, as reported by The China Post,

[he] fell 26 feet (8 meters) onto a partially inflated emergency air cushion laid out by authorities and survived, suffering spine and elbow injuries, the official Xinhua News Agency said Saturday.

Really? Only 26 feet? Why was Chen on the bridge?

According to Xinhua, Chen wanted to kill himself because he had accrued 2 million yuan (US$290,000) in debt from a failed construction project.

Okay, but the burning question is, why did Lai push him?

... Lai Jiansheng had been fed up with what he called Chen's "selfish activity," Xinhua said. Traffic around the Haizhu bridge in the city of Guangzhou had been backed up for five hours and police had cordoned off the area.

"I pushed him off because jumpers like Chen are very selfish. Their action violates a lot of public interest," Lai was quoted as saying by Xinhua. "They do not really dare to kill themselves. Instead, they just want to raise the relevant government authorities' attention to their appeals."

Photos in the Beijing Morning Post showed Lai, shoeless and in a T-shirt, saluting after Chen fell.

Cold. But, here's one more thing about Lai: it has been reported that "he had been on medication for "a mental illness" for decades and had been on his way to a hospital for his pills." So what happened to Lai?

A police officer who answered the telephone Saturday at a station close to the bridge confirmed the incident and said it was under investigation. He refused to give any other details and hung up.

You can read more here.

Okay, how do you feel about strip "throw rocks at cars on the highway from an overpass" poker? Yes, that's what two dipshits in Washington have been charged with. As reported by KOMO News:

State troopers have arrested two people suspected of damaging at least 14 vehicles by throwing baseball-sized rocks onto them from a railroad trestle over Interstate 5 as a part of a stripping game.

Washington State Patrol Trooper Guy Gill said 23-year-old Joshua N. Sizemore and 18-year-old Amanda L. Madison were tossing large rocks from the trestle near Bridgeport way about midnight.

The rules of this "game?"

Investigators said the couple was playing a stripping game, the rules ... involved Madison shedding a layer of clothes for every left headlight the two managed to bust. The same rule applied to Sizemore and right headlights.

The Juice's blood is boiling. How were they caught?

Sizemore and Madison were tracked down by troopers on the ground with assistance from a State Patrol airplane which captured video of the couple throwing rocks. Investigators said Madison was in her underwear when police caught up with the couple.

Oh, and one of the cars that was hit was a police car!

"I think we very possibly could have saved a life," said Trooper Eric Hatteberg.

Double true.

Both Madison and Sizemore were booked into the Pierce County Jail for investigation of malicious mischief and assault.

Here's the source.

It can't feel good to be dumped. (Like The Juice would know?) But surely it must be better than having your penis nearly bitten off? The question could be posed to a 56-year-old Belgian man who has some serious teeth marks on his ... Per The West Australian:

A Thai woman bit her Belgian boyfriend’s penis out of jealousy during sex, but doctors managed to save the nearly-severed organ, police and reports said today.

“We still don’t know the identity of the suspect or whether he wants her to be prosecuted,” police Lieutenant Colonel Norwich Chulavanich said.

Local media reported that the pair quarrelled after she learned the Belgian man was having an affair with another Thai woman.

Here's the source.

There might be a webcam on you ... right now. There's definitely one on Old Faithful at Yellowstone National Park, as 6 trespassers found out. Some folks watching it online saw them leave the boardwalk, and saw 2 of them urinate on Old Faithful! They called park rangers, and the suspects were rounded up, as reported by redgreenandblue.org. (Click on the link for the webcam photos.) What happened to them? Per the AP,

Two seasonal Yellowstone National Park concession workers [at the Old Faithful Inn] have been fired after a live webcam caught them urinating into the Old Faithful geyser.

Park spokesman Al Nash says a 23-year-old man on Tuesday was fined $750 and placed on three years of unsupervised probation for urinating, being off trail in a restricted area and taking items from the area. The man also was banned from Yellowstone for two years.

The second employee's case is pending.

The geyser was not erupting at the time.

If it was, that likely would have been punishment enough ...

Regular readers know that the Juice is not fond of folks who try to weasel out of jury duty. But this is one of the more idiotic methods I've seen employed (but did it work?). As reported by the Bozeman Daily Chronicle:

Erik Slye, a Belgrade auto painter in his mid-30s, was summoned to appear for jury duty on Jan. 26 by District Judge John Brown’s court. Slye, who had previously told the court that he could not take time off from work to serve on a jury, responded with a written tirade of insults and profanities that landed him in front of the judge last week. His wife now says she wrote the affidavit, even though her husband signed it.

So what did it say? [From The Smoking Gun]

Apparently you morons didn't understand me the first time. I CANNOT take time off from work. I'm not putting my familys well being at stake to participate in this crap. I don't believe in our "justice" system and I don't want to have a goddam thing to do with it. Jury duty is a complete waste of time. I would rather count the wrinkles on my dogs balls than sit on a jury . Get it through your thick skulls. Leave me the F__k alone.

You sent this to the court? What the hell were you thinking? And what did the Court have to say?

... the note landed Erik Slye in front of Judge Brown. On April 21, Brown had Slye read the entire note aloud in court.

Um, er, oh. Did I say that?

“Mr. Slye, do you think I’m a moron?” Brown asked after he was finished.

Erik Slye said no, and apologized to Brown and the clerks of the court.

The result?

[Judge] Brown excused Erik Slye with a warning.

Slye's wife apparently learned nothing from the ordeal.

Asked if she had any advice for others trying to get out of jury duty, she offered only this: “Freedom of speech doesn’t apply to jury affidavits.”

You can read a few more jury weasel posts here and here.