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Didn’t I tell you not to complain about the calzone? But no, you wouldn’t listen. As reported by the Sun Sentinel:

Flagler County authorities say a restaurant owner pistol-whipped and beat a customer who complained that his takeout order was incorrect.

Joseph Milano, the owner of Goomba’s Pizzeria, has been charged with aggravated assault and battery with a deadly weapon and released on bail.

According to a police report, security footage from the pizzeria shows that Milano struck Richard Phinney with a gun. He then jumped over a counter and started to assault Phinney and his roommate.

Phinney was at the pizzeria to collect a refund for a calzone, which he said was prepared incorrectly. He was taken to a hospital after the incident with a bloodied head.

Is it just me, or would you like to try one of Goomba’s calzones too?

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Mr. Weusi McGowan was on trial in San Diego. It’s clear that he was dissatisfied with both his lawyer and the jury. How do we know this? Per 10news.com:

At the mid-morning break, McGowan produced a plastic baggie filled with fecal matter and spread it on [his attorney’s] hair and face, then flung the excrement toward the jury box, hitting the briefcase of juror No. 9 but missing the juror himself.

Ooooooh. What then? The jury was dismissed (whew) and the trial was postponed until another lawyer could be appointed. And in case you think this was the first time …

The prosecutor said the defendant had previously wiped human feces on himself and was examined by doctors to ensure he was mentally competent to stand trial.

What do you Mr. McGowan was alleged to have used in the case he was on trial for? Wrong! Not feces.

The prosecutor said the defendant hit a man with a rock in a sock as the victim came out of his home to investigate a commotion on Oct. 17, 2007. McGowan allegedly ransacked the man’s apartment then stole some of the victim’s belongings and took off in the victim’s car.

Here’s the source.

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That headline is not hyberbole. As reported by the AP:

Law officers in western Kansas are investigating the bizarre case of a woman they say sat on her boyfriend’s toilet for two years.

TWO YEARS! What would you think happens to your body under those circumstances?

The sheriff said the woman’s muscles had atrophied and that medical personnel had to remove her from the toilet because she was bound to it by “natural means.”

So, the obvious question: What kind of boyfriend would let his girlfriend sit on a toilet for 2 years without getting her help? Answer: A dude who said that, hey, she stayed in the bathroom of her own free will. Legally, what’s going to happen to the “worst boyfriend over a two-year period” ever?

Sheriff Whipple said his office may charge the boyfriend with mistreatment of a dependent adult.

Sitting on his toilet for 2 years? I’d say that definitely made her “dependent” on him.

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foot_lick.jpg Target the store, that is. I don’t understand what drives a foot fetishist, though when I think about the sweet, gentle curve of the arch, the juicy meat of the big toe … oh, sorry. Anyway, I don’t know what Robert James, Sr. of Montgomery County, Pennsylvania was thinking when he went to Target, posing as a podiatrist. He identified himself as a doctor, and asked a woman what kind of shoe she was wearing because he was concerned about her arch support.

In furtherance of his Hippocratic oath, Dr. James got on his knees and “began to manipulate her toes and touch her foot” according to Officer Patrick Malloy. Then the jig was up. The woman told Target’s security about the good doctor. They found Mr. James in his car. He was [cover your kid’s eyes] playing with himself. What did the fuzz do? “Um, sorry to interrupt you, doctor…” No, they hit him with charges of indecent exposure and open lewdness. And surely he was charged with foot fondling? Nope. It’s not a crime in Montgomery County, Pennsylvania! Perhaps coincidentally, next year’s FLAP convention (Foot Lovers and Podiatrists) will be held in … Montgomery County, Pennsylvania. [not]

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Football%20flying%20fly%20throw%20throwing%20air.jpg No! I told you not to tell me that! As reported by The Cincinnati Enquirer:

The 88-year-old Blue Ash woman arrested after refusing to give a 13-year-old neighborhood boy his football back after it landed in her yard has sued the youth’s parents, alleging emotional distress.

Don’t laugh. This is serious stuff.

The suit contends that members of the Tanis household “have thrown objects against the side of Ms. Jester’s house, into her gardens and onto her porch.”

The Tanises and their minor children “regularly and without permission” enter Jester’s yard to retrieve footballs and other play items that have been “carelessly tossed” onto her property, the suit adds.

See what I mean? Very serious stuff. Oh, the pain! This is exactly the kind of case a personal injury lawyer hates to see. Click here to read more.

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[Warning: kids, leave the room.] Ms. Gill Hodges committed an almost unspeakable crime: she used four parking vouchers to pay for her parking, instead of two! And she had the nerve to wonder what difference it made, since her four vouchers added up to £2, exactly the required fee. I can answer her question the same way I answer my kids on occasion [the occasion being that I can’t think of a reason] – because. Ms. Hodges is not one to take such things (including a £60 [$120 US]) fine lying down. She e-mailed the council, and, per The Guardian, here’s how it responded:

Despite clear instructions on the reverse of Mrs Hodges’ vouchers warning that you can only use two vouchers at any time, the council decided to use its discretionary powers and revoke the fine.

However, this cancellation came with the proviso that should Mrs Hodges get another parking ticket, that fine will not be cancelled.

So kids, remember today’s lesson: while 2 x 1 = 2, don’t assume that 4 x .5 = 2. Click here to read more.

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Calvin Edwards of Fort Pierce, Florida takes his chicken VERY seriously. Just ask his brother. Per The Treasure Coast Palm:

The brother said he and Edwards were “scuffling over chicken wings when Calvin pulled a small pocket knife and threatened to cut him” …

Not just chicken, but chicken wings. Now it’s all making sense … But surely Mr. Edwards has a different version?

Edwards said his mother and brother started yelling at him and said he “needed to defend himself.”

The charges? Aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, and battery. Pretty serious, since the brother only had a scratch on his wrist, and the knife was never found.

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This one is bizarre, even to the Juice. Shaun Michael Burke has been charged with seriously beating a woman with a rubber dildo (wrapped in duct tape) while he robbed her house. The police also suspect that her dog bit Mr. Burke – for the last time. He has also been charged with killing the dog by duct-taping it to a tree (causing asphyxiation). Mr. Burke is in deep shit if the blood in the dogs mouth turns out to be his. (The attacker was wearing a leather mask.) Click here to read the full story in the Daily Mercury.

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Maybe you wouldn’t be so impressed if I told you that Elizabeth Okazaki pretended to be a student for 4 months at UCLA, even obtaining a BruinCard that allowed her to use the recreational facilities (where she stored some of her stuff!) and the libraries. She just got busted, and booted. But her prior stint?

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She posed as a physics graduate student at Stanford University for four years! Apparently Stanford is a real destination for fake students. They recently discovered that a woman who lived in a dorm and attended classes for a year was a fake student! Crazy. You can read more, mostly about the UCLA story, here.

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Kathleen Jennings, age 19, is getting hosed. This young lady is no reprobate. She is a Cub Scout leader who works with disabled children! And she is an A student, and is studying math at Manchester University. She’s never been in any trouble before. She is now, and here’s why: While riding the train, she put the tips of her flip-flops on the unoccupied seat in front of her. Said the big bad railway man: “Are you comfortable?” She immediately put her feet down. Not good enough.

Ms. Jennings was charged with “wilfully interfering with the comfort or convenience” of other rail passengers. Actually, I’d say that’s what the railway man did. Just to reinforce the kind of young lady we’re talking about, this was her reaction upon being charged:

I was crying my eyes out. I am not the sort of person who would do anything wrong. I have never been in trouble before and, working with children, I do not want a criminal record.

She will have to pay an attorney, and could face a fine of up to £150 ($218 US). Brilliant!

And Ms. Jennings is not alone. Since the “no feet on the seats” policy was implemented in February 2007, the company operating the trains, Merseyrail, has taken about 250 people to court! Mercy! If you want to read about another scofflaw who was busted under this 120-year-old rule, click here.

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