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Rule number one for a bank robber preparing a note for the teller: make it legible!

Hokc ogll sht es wlll ikkk you! Now!

I totally made that up. In her defense, Stephanie Martin’s note probably wasn’t that bad. Here’s what happened, as reported by kptv.com in Oregon:

Hillsboro police said Stephanie Martin walked into a Wells Fargo bank in Hillsboro and handed the teller a note that read, “Need $300 or I’ll kill you. I’m serious.”

The teller told Martin she couldn’t read the handwriting, police said. Martin then walked to a counter and re-wrote the note on a bank slip, according to Lt. Mike Rouches, of the Hillsboro Police Department.

The teller then hit the silent alarm and the bank’s manager asked how he could help Martin, Rouches said.

Note, what note?

Martin then said she wanted to open an account with the bank, according to officers.

They bought it, right?

Police and FBI agents arrived at the scene and arrested Martin

Since EVERYBODY knows about silent alarms, dye packs, etc., there is only one possible explanation: drugs.

… police determined [Martin] was under the influence of drugs …

 

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I’m not sure how I missed this May 2009 story, but it’s none the worse for wear. Bradley Dean Milne, age 33, had a helluva ride. As reported by the Northern Territory News:

Darwin Magistrates Court heard that the couple were planning to drive to East Arm Wharf in the Mazda ute to have sex.

The key word there is “planning.” They didn’t quite make it …

Police prosecutor Leigh Cahill said Milne “became aroused” and the woman gave him oral sex while he was driving until they reached the traffic lights at the Berrimah Rd intersection.

Zoinks! But wait …

They turned right onto Berrimah Rd, and the woman straddled Milne while he kept driving, swerving into the kerbside and back into the middle lane.

Then, after a call from a witness, came the buzz kill, and a truly classic defense offered up by Mr Milne:

When police stopped the car and Milne was asked why he had been drinking – with a blood alcohol concentration of .097 per cent – he said: “Come on, mate. What would you do? We were going to the wharf but we didn’t quite get there.”

And check out this defense offered up by Mr. Milne’s lawyer:

Mr Rowbottam told the court that Milne had not been paying attention to his intoxication, and had been surprised at the reading. “He wasn’t concentrating on that – he was concentrating on his amorous situation,” he said.

Really? That’s what you offer as mitigation? The charges were:

… not wearing a seatbelt, driving without due care and drink-driving when a witness called police after seeing his car swerving all over the road.

The time? No time, just a $1,400 fine and a six-month license suspension.

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scared-cat1.jpg What? You’ve never heard of “kick the kitty?” Perhaps that’s because it was only recently invented by Nicola Collinson. To see how it’s played, though, you’ll need her cell phone because she made a video of herself doing it on her phone! Or, perhaps you know one of the people she sent her video to, one of whom sent it to the RSPCA.

What was in the video? Just Nicole picking up a kitten, throwing it into the air like a ball, and then drop-kicking it. And if that’s not bad enough, she chased it down and punched it, and drop-kicked it again! Can you can guess her defense? She said she was drunk (I believe that) and doesn’t remember anything (bullshit). Here’s how the prosecutor described it:

This is what can only be described as a quite wicked case. It was only a kitten and it came (to her) looking for affection. It was suggested that at some stage it might have scratched (her) and that all this happened is really quite shocking.

This defendant took hold of the kitten and drop-kicked it, as if it were a rugby ball. The kitten got to it’s feet and went away and it was chased by the defendant who picked it up again and brought it back and did the same thing again. Not only was it drop-kicked but it was also punched.

It was absolutely deliberate, there can be no suggestion it was accidental. And what makes this all the worse is that someone was making a video on a phone camera. You hear laughing and joking.

The video was then sent round to various friends bragging about what happened. But one person was so incensed that they sent a copy to the RSPCA who were able to track who made it.

Ms. Collinson pleaded guilty, and is awaiting sentencing. She almost ended up in the clink pending sentencing. Here’s what the judge said:

Having looked at that video of what you did we seriously considered custody. It is appalling that any human can do such a thing to another animal. It is unthinkable and no excuses can be accepted. But we are going to ask for reports in the community band [? – no clue]. We feel you are desperately in need of help.

Um. Yeah.

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Attention all cats – WARNING: the following story may be disturbing to your kittens. As reported by wcbstv.com:

A man accused of forcing his 7-year-old daughter to stab the family cat by holding a knife in her hand has reached a plea agreement that would send him to prison for 18 months. Danield John Collins, 39, pleaded guilty Thursday to one count of domestic violence/animal cruelty and two counts of neglect of a dependent. He was being held on $40,000 bond.

If a judge accepts the plea deal, Collins will be sentenced to 18 months in prison and prosecutors will dismiss an intimidation charge. Sentencing was set for Aug. 28.

Collins was arrested March 13 after police said he forced his daughter to stab Boots, the family’s 8-month-old cat. The girl and Collins’ 11-year-old son said their father ordered them to stab the cat because he wanted them to “learn to kill.”

Police said the boy tried to hide the cat from his father, but Collins found the animal and strangled it as his children watched.

Collins said at Thursday’s hearing that he was intoxicated when the cat was killed and remembered little about that day’s events – other than falling on the cat at some point. He did not dispute his children’s account of his actions.

Perhaps Mr. Collins shouldn’t drink anymore if this is how he acts when he’s feeling uninhibited?

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So you say you like to cut your grass in the nude. Hmmm. Then what were you doing, topless, walking down the road? As reported by the Rock Hill Herald [North Carolina]:

Angela Jonas [age 50] … told officers she likes to cut her grass in the nude, a York County sheriff’s report says.

One neighbor complained in the report that Jonas has walked down the road topless several times before. Police tried several times to speak with Jonas when they first arrived, around 7:30 p.m., asking repeatedly why she was walking down the street “naked from the waist up.” She could not give a clear answer, officers said in the report.

She was charged with indecent exposure and remained in jail Wednesday morning on $1,000 bond.

Really? You’re gonna keep her locked up for that? Uncool.

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So, what would you do for a $16,000 Rolex watch? According to the children of retired Manteca Police lieutenant Jerry Kubena, Dr. Cleveland Enmon [formerly] of St. Joseph’s Medical Center in Stockton, California, let their father die so he could take his Rolex. To read more(a LOT) and to see photos and a video, click here for the story in The Record.

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How about some nice, relaxing rollerblading through the park? No? How about running over some little kids who are in the way? Perhaps I’m overstating it a bit. Here’s what happened, per the Stamford Advocate:

A 43-year-old Stamford in-line skater is charged with risk of injury to a minor and assault after an alleged confrontation with a father and his two sons over the right-of-way on a path in Cove Island Park Monday morning, police said.

Skater Chris Karamon, of 1307 Hope St., was charged with risk of injury to a minor, third-degree assault, fourth-degree criminal mischief, and breach of peace, according to Stamford Police Lt. Sean Cooney.

Shortly after 9 a.m. Monday, Karamon was skating down the path when he shouted and cursed at the father that his 4-year-old son on a tricycle was in a designated area for in-line skaters, police said.

“Mr. Karamon’s contention is that the 4-year-old was on the wrong side of the path,” Cooney said. “But the path is for use by everybody and we can’t have Rollerbladers or anybody cursing out people.”

A short while later, Karamon was approaching the family again and collided with the father who shielded his 4- and 2-year-old sons, Cooney said.

Karamon fell to the ground, and threw his helmet and water bottle at the father, police said.

Several bystanders called police, Cooney said, and another witness intervened to separate Karamon and the father. Karamon declined comment when contacted about the incident Tuesday morning.

Karamon was released on $10,000 bond, and is to appear in state Superior Court in Stamford on Oct. 13.

The Juice is thinking Mr. Karamon may not have any robots, er, kids …

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This is how you [allegedly] treat your disabled wife? Per the Worcester, Massachusetts Telegram:

Wayne G. Prinsen, 50, of 5 Spring St., Spencer, was released on personal recognizance and ordered to stay away and have no contact with his wife in accordance with a restraining order. He was charged with assault and battery, assault and battery with a dangerous weapon (a shod foot), assault and battery on a disabled person and intimidation of a witness.

According to court documents, a family member called police Sept. 23, concerned that Mr. Prinsen had injured his wife. Police went to the home and found the alleged victim, who was upset.

Police said she told an officer that she had risen at 3:30 a.m. to make her husband’s lunch because she had not been feeling well the night before when she normally would have made him a sandwich. The woman suffers from fibromyalgia, an incurable disease that causes pain, sleeping problems, stiffness and headaches, according to the National Institutes of Health, Department of Health and Human Services.

She told police she was taking out peanut butter and jelly along with meat when Mr. Prinsen warned her that he would be leaving in 5 minutes. She told him the lunch would be ready and he responded by punching her in the stomach and kicking her, the report said. He also broke a telephone. She went upstairs and he left for work at a home improvement store in Shrewsbury.

Police wrote that the woman had “contusions” on her stomach and knee from the assault and they sought an arrest warrant for Mr. Prinsen.

He will be back in court for a pretrial hearing on Nov. 19.

Cold. Ice cold.

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I like animals too, but this is nuts. As reported by The Daily Telegraph:

In one of Sydney’s weirdest crimes, a young woman has been accused of pulling a gun on a dog owner at their home in a brazen attempt to steal a Chihuahua puppy after posing as a would-be buyer.

A police spokesman said: “About 11.30am, the 26-year-old woman went to a house on Perkins Avenue at Kellyville after making an appointment to purchase a Chihuahua puppy.

“Once inside the home, the woman allegedly produced a firearm and demanded the puppy.

“The woman was then restrained and the firearm seized by the occupants, who included an off-duty policeman from The Hills Local Area Command.

“Police attended the house and the woman was arrested and taken to Castle Hill police station. The woman’s firearm was found to be a replica of a Glock pistol. She has been charged with robbery whilst armed and possession of a prohibited weapon and will appear at Parramatta Local Court on October 15.”

Here’s the source.

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Who knew a couple mankinis would cause such a fuss? As reported by the BBC:

Two students who dressed up as the TV character Borat are at the centre of a row in Vietnam.

The pair performed a dance act at a company party dressed as the spoof Kazakh journalist in his notoriously skimpy “mankini” swimming costume.

They have now found themselves suspended from college for 12 months.

The incident, dubbed the “nude dance of FPT Arena students”, has stirred up a storm on internet forums and also in the domestic media.

The leading technology firm FPT owns the college where the two performers were studying design.

In a statement, FPT Arena said the organisers of the party did not know about the act in advance, adding that two of the firm’s executives had been sacked over the incident.

Hanoi Cultural Inspectorate on Tuesday fined the college 4m dong ($240; £135) for a number of offences including “use of improper clothing”.

You can read more here.

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