Legal Juice

I would say “only in America,” but this happened in Scotland, pursuant to European human rights laws. Seems that in some Scottish prisons, for a number of years, the prisoners had to “slop out” (clean out) their own toilets. And? Per the Daily Record:

The slopping-out bonanza began in 2004 when knife-wielding mugger Robert Napier used European human rights law to win a court case against the prison service.

So now Scottish prisoners, and ex-prisoners, are cashing in. As for the title of the post …

A drug dealer used his s2000 compensation payout for “slopping out” in jail to buy heroin to sell to his pals.

The taxpayers’ money allowed scheming junkie Joseph Torano to get a discount on the drugs by buying in bulk.

Here’s how the bust of Mr. Torano went down:

Police raided the house after a tip-off. Hannah Kennedy, prosecuting, said Torano appeared from a bedroom in his underwear and a wrap of heroin fell out of his boxer shorts.

Detectives saw something in his mouth, which turned out to be another package of drugs, and a full body search uncovered a third stash.

And check out the language this Member of Parliament used to describe the situation, which has already cost the Scottish taxpayers millions:

“The SNP Scottish government will end slopping out and clean up the mess these administrations have created.”

Get it? “… clean up the mess …” Brilliant! To read more (quite a bit) click here.

No doubt regular readers know that The Juice is not fond of folks who try to weasel out of jury duty. But this is one of the more idiotic methods I’ve seen employed (but did it work?). As reported by the Bozeman Daily Chronicle:

Erik Slye, a Belgrade auto painter in his mid-30s, was summoned to appear for jury duty on Jan. 26 by District Judge John Brown’s court. Slye, who had previously told the court that he could not take time off from work to serve on a jury, responded with a written tirade of insults and profanities that landed him in front of the judge last week. His wife now says she wrote the affidavit, even though her husband signed it.

So what did it say? [From The Smoking Gun]

Apparently you morons didn’t understand me the first time. I CANNOT take time off from work. I’m not putting my familys well being at stake to participate in this crap. I don’t believe in our “justice” system and I don’t want to have a goddam thing to do with it. Jury duty is a complete waste of time. I would rather count the wrinkles on my dogs balls than sit on a jury . Get it through your thick skulls. Leave me the F__k alone.

You sent this to the court? What the hell were you thinking? And what did the Court have to say?

… the note landed Erik Slye in front of Judge Brown. On April 21, Brown had Slye read the entire note aloud in court.

Um, er, oh. Did I say that?

“Mr. Slye, do you think I’m a moron?” Brown asked after he was finished.

Erik Slye said no, and apologized to Brown and the clerks of the court.

The result?

[Judge] Brown excused Erik Slye with a warning.

Slye’s wife apparently learned nothing from the ordeal.

Asked if she had any advice for others trying to get out of jury duty, she offered only this: “Freedom of speech doesn’t apply to jury affidavits.”

You can read a few more jury weasel posts here and here.

Yes, really. So here’s what Joseph Decker, of Hughestown, Pennsylvania, had on the back window of his truck:

IF YOU’RE IN AMERICA & CAN’T SPEAK ENGLISH GET THE FUCK OUT!

I think that’s idiotic, and I don’t think Joe (Decker, not “the Plumber”) would have a problem with my opinion. As reported by WNEP:

“Some people give me thumbs up, they say, ‘Yeah, that’s the way it’s supposed to be.’ Some people say, ‘Oh, that’s stupid you shouldn’t have that on there.’ Everybody has an opinion,” Decker said Tuesday.

The Juice is a First Amendment diehard, but the local fuzz? Nope.

[Mr. Decker] was recently cited by Hughestown police for disorderly conduct because of the “obscene language” on his truck. He’s fighting that charge.

And he’s going to win. He has the law on his side, and a lawyer, Barry Diller, who has won 2 similar cases recently.

Dawn Herb of Scranton was charged for swearing at her overflowing toilet. People outside heard her. A judge ruled Herb’s First Amendment right to free speech was violated. She won a settlement of $19,000.

Dyller said he also won a settlement of $19,000 for a man from Larksville charged with swearing at police.

Is it just me, or does it seem like these cases are worth somewhere in the neighborhood of, say, $19,000?

People always ask how I find the stories for Legal Juice. I found this one on the back page of the “A” section of yesterday’s Washington Post. I was skimming a full-page ad for a new allergy drug called “Xyzal.” Ignore, if you can, the idiotic name “Xyzal.” In the not-so-fine print, I read the following:

Do not take Xyzal if you are allergic to Xyzal …

I had to read it again, and again, because it was SO STUPID. I’m trying to think of an equally stupid analogy, but I can’t!

But there’s more. The “don’t operate heavy machinery while taking this drug” warning is very common. But what about driving your car?

“Patients taking Xyzal should avoid operating machinery or driving a motor vehicle.”

You can’t take this allergy drug and safely drive a car? Doesn’t this eliminate MOST PEOPLE IN THE DEVELOPED WORLD? And just to be sure it wasn’t a misprint, I checked the company’s website, and found the exact same warning! Brilliant!

So said 27-year-old professional soccer player Bob Malcolm after being arrested for driving while intoxicated. Here’s a man who truly believes in accepting responsibility for his actions:

I recognise that footballers are role models and that, as such, they should set a positive example. On this occasion, I have failed to do that.

Okay. Sounds good.

“But I must say that I was very upset and frustrated with the poor performance of the referee in our match at Plymouth the evening before.”

Doh! What were the circumstances of his arrest? As reported in the Daily Mail:

The drama happened on the M1 northbound at Tibshelf, Derbyshire, at around 6.30am on December 27 last year.

A shocked motorist told police he nearly smashed into Malcolm’s car, which was straddling the middle and fast lanes of the motorway.

The other driver pulled over, woke up Malcolm, persuaded him to move to the hard shoulder, and then phoned 999.

Malcolm’s blood alcohol level was more than double the legal limit. In addition to blaming the ref, Malcolm did have one more comment to try and distance himself from the crime:

“I would also like to stress that at the time of the incident, I was not driving my car. “I had pulled over to the side of the road and was sleeping. Once again, I apologise for what has been a major error of judgment.”

Wow. And how exactly did you get there, Malcolm? By getting shitfaced, and then driving to your parking spot in the middle of the road? NO EXCUSES. Just cop to it, and people will respect you a lot more. (I’m sure that ref is looking forward to his next match with you.) Here’s the article.

You live in Georgia, and you Lose a City Council election (the right to be in the run-off, actually) to a transgender candidate. Naturally (if you’re Georgia Fuller, anyway), you sue for fraud. One small problem, Loser lady, City Coucil Member Michelle Bruce IS AN INCUMBENT. Doh! This doesn’t stop Fuller from arguing that, as she calls him, “Michael Bruce,” has an unfair advantage running as a woman! We’re talking about a town of 12,000 people, which Michelle has been serving for 4 years! Said Michelle:

I’m Michelle. I’m the same Michelle they elected four years ago. They’re just distracting the voters from the issues. Everybody in my district knows me, everyone in Riverdale knows me. I’ve done a real good job representing the people. I am for the people.

Because I think Fuller’s lawsuit is one of the most idiotic I’ve ever seen (considering how many cases I review daily for this blog, that’s saying something), Bruce get’s the last word: “People want a candidate that will listen to them, protect them, save them money and be there for them. And I always will be.” Hopefully, Ms. Fuller has moved on. Here’s the story from PrideSource.

With what? A fart. Yes, the police charged Clarksburg, West Virginia resident Jose Antonio Cruz with battery for farting on a policeman! As reported in the Charleston Daily Mail:

South Charleston police said they were fingerprinting Cruz at police headquarters Tuesday when Cruz moved near Patrolman T.E. Parsons, lifted his leg and passed gas “loudly” on the officer, according to a criminal complaint.

Cruz then waved the air in the direction of Parsons, who was preparing a breath test machine nearby.

“The gas was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature with Patrolman Parsons,” the complaint said.

Charges this serious cannot go unanswered.

Cruz acknowledged passing gas, but said he didn’t move his chair toward the officer nor aim gas at the patrolman. He said he had an upset stomach at the time, but police denied his request to go to the bathroom when he first arrived at the station.

“I couldn’t hold it no more,” he said.

A valid defense. So what happened to Mr. Cruz? Someone thought better of it (perhaps everyone), and the battery charge was dropped.