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Up his ass! And other places in the vicinity… Although the Juice does not *** expletives, fox12idaho does. Here’s a portion of the transcript of a Boise, Idaho man’s arrest:

Officer #3: Do you feel this?

Complainant: Yes, sir.

Officer #3: Do you feel that? That’s my -

Complainant: okay

Officer #3: Taser up your a**.

Complainant: Okay

Officer #3: So don’t move.

Complainant: I’m trying not to. I can’t breathe.

Officer #3: Now do you feel this in your balls?

His cajones too?

Complainant: I do, sir. I’m not going to move. I’m not gonna move.

Officer #3: Now I’m gonna tase your balls if you move again.

A minute later, this exchange occurred:

Officer #3: Okay, I’m gonna take this taser out of your a**hole now. Are you going to fight with me?

Complainant: No, not at all, sir.

That there’s some mighty fine police work … The “Complainant” complained and

Last week an ombudsman reported the police officers did use excessive force. That ruling came about because of that second round of tape we played you in which the officer threatened to taser the man’s genitalia, and did taser his buttocks.

And yes, the guy is filing suit against Boise. Wouldn’t you? (The other side: “The Police were initially called to the man’s house in response to a domestic dispute. They say the man pushed against the door to keep them out, and also yelled profanity.”) Here’s the source.

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Yes, because then he could blackmail them! Fifty-year-old San Antonio, Texas lawyer Ted Roberts coaxed some serious cashish from an accountant, a lawyer, and two executives who had the pleasure of Mary Roberts’ company. Old Ted threatened to tell their wives and employers if they didn’t pony up. bribery.bmp

And pony up they did, to the tune of $155,000. But it was for a good cause, right Ted? The jury found that, after assuring 2 of the men that he would donate the money to a children’s charity, Ted instead used it to help pay for a new house and to fund his law practice. The good news for Ted? The jury acquitted him on 2 of the charges because one of the victims said he didn’t care where his money went, and the other said he knew it would be used to repay Ted for his start-up costs (paying the private investigator to get the goods). Surely Ted sees the error of his ways? Nope. Said Ted to the Court:

It is incredible to me after I sought protection from the law that … I face sentencing without having committed a crime.

Huh? And for good measure, the prosecutor brought in a teacher who claimed Ted said in 2005 that he would represent her for free, if only she’d share “deep, dark,” sexual secrets about the city’s movers and shakers. Said the prosecutor:

This is who you have before you … Somebody who wants sexual secrets and then wants to use them against people to blackmail and extort them.

What do you think the judge’s sentence was?

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Just when you thought you’d heard it all – an illegal songbird fighting operation! As reported by Fox61 in Connecticut:

Multiple state law enforcement agencies busted up a bird fighting ring in the town of Shelton Sunday morning. However the birds involved are known more for their voice than violence.

Police confiscated nearly 150 songbirds- canaries and saffron finches- from a home at 176 Ripton Road. Police say the birds were being prepared to fight. The raid was led by Shelton Police with help from the Department of Agriculture and officers from Bridgeport, Ansonia, Fairfield, and State Police departments.

“They have a cage in the middle that’s set up like a ring, where the two will go into one cage and fight.” said Shelton Police Sergeant Robert Kozlowsky. “It’s looking like animal cruelty and illegal gambling. They [officers] have found a large amount of currency also at this scene.”

Animal control officers were seen carrying cages upon cages filled with birds from the residence. According to a relative, the homeowner claimed to be collecting the birds to breed and sell. Neighbors who witnessed the raid were surprised at both the multi-agency response and the unorthodox nature of the bird fighting.

“Am I being punk’d?” asked neighbor John Coniglio, referring to a television show famous for playing pranks on celebrities. “I mean, this is crazy. I’ve never heard of a canary ring. I can’t picture little canaries with razor blades taped to their feet or anything.”

The raid christened 19 jailbirds along with $8,000 cash.

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Custodian Stephen L. Thompson must really dislike a certain Clark County court reporter. We know this because he urinated on her chair. How do we know this? Per the courier-journal.com:

A probable-cause affidavit filed in Clark Superior Court said an employee with the county circuit court discovered a “wet substance” on her chair upon arriving at work July 15.

Okay, so how do they know it was Mr. Thompson?

Following that, a hidden surveillance camera was installed.

Doh! Mr. Thompson was then caught on tape.

Thompson was arrested when he arrived for work and later posted bail, according to Jeremy Mull, Clark County’s chief deputy prosecutor.

The charges?

…attempted battery by body waste

What, you’ve never heard of attempted battery by body waste? Here’s the source.

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judge%20leave%20out%20of%20courtroom%20gavel%20funny.gif I kid you not. As reported in The Kansas City Star:

[Fulton Superior Court Judge Marvin] Arrington asked all white people to leave before he lowered the boom on the defendants, telling them that bad behavior in poor black neighborhoods drags down black advancement.

Why did the judge ask all the white folks to leave?

I wanted to have a fireside chat. And my grandmother said years ago that if you’re going to fuss at black people, you don’t need to do it in front of white people.

Zoinks!

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Let’s say you have a resale store, and you want some “new” merchandise at a good price. What to do? Steal it! That’s what Celia Arocho of Berwyn, Illinois has been charged with, per The Chicago Tribune.

Arocho, 52, stands charged with several crimes following her arrest last Saturday in Riverside. Police pulled over the vehicle she was driving because it matched the description of a green SUV which had earlier struck a parked car. Weitzel said they found open containers of alcohol inside the SUV and arrested Arocho on drunken driving charges.

And?

Then officers found two chairs and a plant in her vehicle. They later searched her business, at 7022 16th St., and her Cicero home and found numerous stolen items that she intended to resell at the store, which has been open about two months, Weitzel said.

“She didn’t break into homes,” said Riverside Police Chief Tom Weitzel. The accusation is that “she just took items off porches and from yards and offered them for resale at her business.”

Talk about low overhead.

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Not you, knucklehead. You can pick up your beer and keep drinking, unless you’re in Malaysia. Such was the case for 32-year-old part-time model Kartika Sari Dewi Shukarno, a mother of two who was busted for throwing a beer down at a night club, and sentenced to six strokes of the cane (and fined). And she’s not appealing. Per the New Straits Times:

… Pahang Syariah chief prosecutor Datuk Abdul Rahim Jaafar said the caning would not cause physical injury as it was merely to make the offender feel repentant.

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The good news: Ontario resident Barry Shell won the lottery, hauling in $4,377,298. The bad news? Per The Toronto Star:

… after a smiling Shell, 45, had posed for an OLG [Ontario Lottery and Gaming] photo holding his cheque for $4,377,298, he was arrested outside the building on outstanding criminal charges and taken into police custody.

The charges?

… failing to appear, theft under $5,000 and possession of property obtained by crime.

Seems the OLG conducts a “rigorous investigation” of anyone who claims a prize. Here’s the full story.

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Okay, so that’s a slight exaggeration, since the sound barrier on land is about 761 mph (it varies with the atmospheric conditions). But perhaps I am in a state of shock after reading that a nun in Italy was busted for going 110 mph! Really, and with 2 other nuns in the car. Why? Well, as reported at news.com.au, they were …

… on their way to visit the Pope after a bathroom fall.

Demon driver Sister Tavoletta, 56, was at the wheel of the Ford Fiesta, while two other nuns aged 65 and 78, who have not been named, were with her when shocked police pulled them over.

When stunned officers asked them why they were speeding, Sister Tavoletta said: “We had heard how the Pope had fallen over and we were on our way to make sure he was OK.”

The nuns were stopped on a dual carriageway at Quincinetto, near Turin – just an hour’s drive from Pope Benedict XVI’s summer holiday chalet at Les Combes.

They had heard that Pope Benedict XVI had slipped and fractured his wrist at the Salesian convent where they live and immediately got into a car to try to visit him.

A Turin police spokesman said: “The officers involved were amazed to see three nuns in the Ford Fiesta when it stopped – it had been clocked at 110 mph.

“Hopefully, Sister Tavoletta will be making sure she confesses her bad driving the next she goes to confession but in the meantime she will have to pay the 375 Euro (A$659) fine she was given.”

Unlikely, since she is fighting the fine (and the one-month suspension she received), having retained “Italy’s best known lawyer in driving cases, Anna Orecchioni.”

She said: “I will be taking this matter before a judge to get the penalty removed and the nun’s licence reinstated.”

Here’s the source.

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Before the potheads among you get too excited, or the wingnuts blow a gasket, this new iPhone application won’t direct you to your neighborhood dealer. Here’s what it will do, as reported by The Sun:

Simply named Cannabis, the £1.79 [$2.99 US] app lets users search by city for their nearest medical cannabis suppliers, doctors, clinics, lawyers and other relevant organisations.

It currently covers 13 US states which have passed laws allowing medical cannabis use, legal cannabis “coffee shops” across Europe and uses Google Maps for directions.

Makers [sic] the campaign group Ajnag.com hope to add cannabis related news, menus, reviews and videos soon.

It is available from the Apple iTunes App Store now, and requires the iPhone 3.0 Software Update.

Having just checked the App Store, the Juice can confirm that Cannabis is indeed available, though the initial reviews are not exactly glowing. …

Worthless in the state of Colorado …

Want my money back …

(The average rating is 2.5/5.) Here’s the source.