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How can you be guaranteed that you’ll catch the thief who stole your car? Easy. Report it stolen, then get caught driving it. Really. Per The Rome (Georgia) News-Tribune:

Ryan Lance Roland, 24, of 2005 Dean Ave., Room 315, told police that someone came to his room while he was at the store and that his 2001 Acura Integra was stolen.

After placing a lookout for the car, police found Roland driving it three hours later on Maple Street. Roland took an alcohol sensor test and was found to be over the legal limit.

Roland is charged with false report of a crime and DUI. He was released on $2,700 bond Sunday.

Doh!

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How could a 55-year-old man get arrested for playing on a trampoline? Here’s how, as reported by stv.tv.

As [his neighbor] looked out of her window, she saw James Burden stark naked with a cigarette in one hand and his genitals in the other. Falkirk Sheriff Court heard the gobsmacked victim told police that 55-year-old Burden was “as bold as brass …and purposeful”.

“gobsmacked” … nice

Mike McMahon, prosecuting, said that the woman, who lives in a block of four flats in Falkirk’s Westquarter, had got up to go to her bathroom as 5.14am on March 25 this year.

As she passed her kitchen window, she saw Burden – her upstairs neighbour – in the back garden. She then saw Burden approach the back door of the block of flats.

The woman rushed into her living room and called police. Mr McMahon said: “He told police he had gone out to the trampoline and had masturbated himself there.”

Zoinks! If you’re wondering “why?” …

… Burden told officers: “Just for the thrill of it.” He added: “I did not intend anyone to see me.”

Burden, of Yew Terrace, Westquarter, pled guilty to publicly exposing his person in a shameless and indecent manner, and approaching his neighbour’s house and placing the occupant in a state of fear and alarm.

The time?

Sheriff Craig Caldwell deferred sentence until next month for reports.

There’s probably not a lot of precedent for this particular crime.

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It’s so easy to say – “just keep your eyes on the road.” Some distractions are not that easy to ignore. Such was the case on I-95 in Connecticut, as reported by The Online Hour (Norwalk) Connecticut).

A naked man “yelling that he was Jesus” was the catalyst for a five-vehicle accident on I-95 Northbound near exit 16 early Saturday morning that injured three people, mangled a tandem tractor-trailer truck and slowed traffic to a crawl for nearly six hours, according to Darien Police Sgt. Jeremiah P. Marron Jr.

Marron said Darien Police responded to a call regarding a nude male causing a disturbance on I-95 north at exit 14. When police arrived, they saw the man hop into a silver car. With assistance from Norwalk and State Police, Darien officers were able to pull the car over near exit 16.

Now that would be an interesting court proceeding!

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The landscape is littered with men who have gone to great lengths to entice women to have sex. But this may be a new low. As reported by The Arab Times:

Police have arrested a Kuwaiti man for cheating an unidentified young woman, reports Al-Anba daily.


According to reports the man wanted to have ‘fun’ with the woman and he to fulfill his wish said he wants to marry her.
He then allegedly took her to a marriage officer in Ahmadi and married her in front of a marriage officer.

However, a few days later when the girl asked to see the marriage contract, she was shocked when she discovered the marriage officer was a fake person. 
Police are looking for the marriage officer.

Leaves one to wonder when he was going to tell her …

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By now just about everyone has heard of a few stupid homeowner’s association rules. But check this one out. Jim Greenwood lives in a suburb of Dallas, Texas called Frisco. More specifically, he lives in – hold your nose up, and speak nasally – Stonebriar Village. Now with his son just turning 16, old Mr. Greenwood wanted to get him a safe ride. So he dropped about $30,000 on a nicely appointed 2007 Ford F-150.

Now, if you’re thinking that the Stonebriar Village Homeowner’s Association does not allow trucks to be parked in driveways…. You would be … wrong! They just don’t allow FORD trucks [to be parked overnight, that is, in a driveway]. If Mr. Greenwood had dropped the extra coin for a Lincoln Mark LT, that would not violate the rules. What’s the difference? According to Mr. Greenwood, not much.

“It happens to come off the same assembly line in Dearborn, Mich., as the Ford F-150.”

What is the penalty for this high crime? $50 each night he’s cited for leaving the truck in the driveway overnight. It’s Texas, so you can probably guess what Mr. Greenwood decided to do.

“We’re doing the right thing now. We’re parking it in the garage.”

Yeah, that wasn’t my guess either. I’m with Austin American-Statesman writer John Kelso:

I wouldn’t call that doing the right thing. Greenwood should stick it to these snoots. After all, this is Texas. If you can’t park a new pickup in your driveway in the Lone Star State, what’s next? A ban on high school football, deer season and chicken-fried steak?

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I can already tell that even The Juice’s loyal readers are raising their eyebrows. Rest assured, though, breasts may be bared in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware. True, they are the breasts of transgender males, but tell that to the folks who complained to lifeguards about the “females showing their breasts.” As reported by Delaware Online:

Rehoboth Beach and the local Internet have been buzzing for days after a few transgendered men caused a stir on the beach over the holiday weekend by removing their tops and revealing their enhanced breasts.

“Passers-by came up to the lifeguard and said they were alarmed and unhappy with the females showing their breasts,” Police Chief Keith Banks said. “The lifeguard responded and saw that they were males.”

Banks said police were called because the men originally refused to put their tops back on, but had consented before police arrived. Officers made sure the situation was under control, and no citations were issued.

Turns out they couldn’t have issued citations.

… Rehoboth law defines indecent exposure two ways:

“A male is guilty of indecent exposure if he exposes his genitals or buttocks under circumstances which he knows his conduct is likely to cause affront or alarm to another person.

A female is guilty of indecent exposure if she exposes her genitals, breasts or buttocks under circumstances which she knows her conduct is likely to cause affront or alarm to another person.”

So …

“It is important to say that under Rehoboth law this was not against the law,” Banks said. “In this case, they had male genitalia; therefore, they are not guilty of a crime.”

To read more (a fair amount), click here.

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It’s one thing for a boss to be a jerk to an employee. There are only so many Michael Scotts out there … One must draw the line, though, at beating an employee. Local prosecutors have drawn that line in the case of Vladimir Khapalov, the mayor of the Russian town of Shakhtyorsk. As reported by Reuters:

The woman was on the night watch at the administration building … when [the] mayor showed up after midnight one night last November, Interfax said.

Citing local prosecutors, it said Khapalov struck her with the door when she opened it, and hit her two more times.

Done? Nope.

He then kicked her in the hip area after accusing her of sleeping on the job and demanding she resign, Interfax said.

At one point the woman fell and hit her head on a radiator, the report said. She suffered scrapes, bruises and concussion. Interfax said the woman was hospitalized for 20 days afterwards.

Shazam! What happened to the mayor?

Khapalov has now been suspended and faces a criminal charge of violent abuse of authority.

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In Readington Township, New Jersey, a 59-year-old man actually went to his 88-year-old mom’s senior center residence – apparently drunk – and got into it with her. So what did she do? She put the hurt on him! Per the Hunterdon County Democrat:

An incident between a mother and her son brought police to the Mirota Senior Residence on Van Horn Road on Friday. Police were called around 8:30 a.m.; they gave the following account of the incident.

An 88-year-old woman and her 59-year-old son got into an argument and then the mother assaulted the son, causing visible injuries to his face. The son appeared to be intoxicated and was being loud and disturbing other residents at the complex.

The son was arrested for harassment and disorderly conduct and was released after being detained for several hours.

The mother was also arrested and charged with simple assault. She was released after being served with a summons.

Both were offered various forms of assistance provided by the county, but they both declined.

Who needs assistance? Everything is totally under control …

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Drunk people often do really stupid things, as illustrated by the acts of a gentleman in New Port Richey, Florida. Per the St. Petersburg Times:

A man was arrested Friday after deputies said he called 911 multiple times to complain his mother took his beer away.

BUT YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND! SHE TOOK HIS BEER!

Charles Dennison, 32, who was “very intoxicated,” told a deputy who went to their home at 1739 Dennison Road that he wanted his mother arrested for taking his beer, according to a Pasco County Sheriff’s Office arrest report. If she wasn’t charged, he said, he would continue to call 911.

A deputy charged him with making false 911 calls and took him to the jail in Land O’Lakes, where he remained Monday morning. His bail is $150.

Perhaps it’s time to find an apartment? A group house?

(Hang in there. It gets funny at 46 seconds.)

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It would be harder to make this stuff up than to tell you about it. Yes, Mr. Imran Khan, or Bristol, England, filed a claim against his employer for offering wine as an incentive. Mr. Khan, a Muslim, claimed that he was a victim of racial and religious discrimination because Muslims may not drink alcohol. He asked for damages for “hurt feelings” before the employment tribunal. The result? A unanimous raspberry. Said Chairman Clive Toomer:

A teetotal non-Muslim would have been in precisely the same position as the claimant. In those circumstances it did not seem to us that the claimant could show that there was, in fact, less favourable treatment than would have been afforded to such a hypothetical comparator.

Indeed. You can read more, but not much, here.