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What would you do if you were running late for work? Would you stab yourself in the leg, and then report to the police that you were “approached by someone in his 40s who asked for a cigarette, then .. stabbed you?” Maybe you wouldn’t, but at least one person would, a 22-year-old Alpine Township (Michigan) man. Per Woodtv.com, after the initial report …

The man was re-interviewed and admitted to the fabrication. He told police he had overslept and was late, then decided to stab himself and report the incident.

Investigators are in the process of obtaining a warrant for his arrest for the false report of a felony.

Doh!

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Surely she didn’t mean she literally had a gun there… But, after Ms. Patterson was arrested in Orlando, Florida, when the police asked her if she had any weapons or drugs on her person, here’s what she is reported to have said:

“I have a gun in my vagina, you fucking idiot!” [expletive reinserted]

If you’re thinking that perhaps she was drunk, you can listen to the 911 tape (it’s not real exciting) and judge for yourself. As to how this came to pass, per wftv.com:

A woman called 911 Tuesday night from outside of a nightclub in an attempt to locate her keys. Kelly Patterson was told to leave Pulse nightclub (see map) and given a trespass warning by an employee.

Patterson, officers say, began to shout obscene comments and make gestures towards the employees. She was told a second time to leave the parking lot, but police said she replied by saying. “Fuck you, I need to get my keys from my friend.” [expletive reinserted]

Perhaps this wasn’t the best approach. Nevertheless, the police still tried to assist her.

An officer on scene told Patterson he would help her get her keys, but her friends told the officer they did not have her keys. Investigators said she was given four chances to leave property and was told she would be arrested.

It was then that she called 911, shopping for a more sympathetic cop. Not a good idea.

Patterson refused [to leave the property] and called 911, telling the operator that the officer would not give Patterson her keys and to please send out someone to help her. Patterson was arrested and, when asked if she had any weapons or drugs on her person, police said she replied, “I have a gun in my …

Sure, it’s funny, at least through Juice-colored glasses … Here’s the source (with a photo).

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A New Jersey man has been charged with soliciting a hit for $20 (and drugs) up front, plus payments after the hit. $20! Fortunately for the intended victim, the would-be hitman was an undercover police officer. From the pages (virtual, that is) of The Jersey Journal) …

A Union County man is being held at the Hudson County jail in Kearny on charges he offered drugs and a $20 down payment to an undercover police officer in an attempt to recruit him to paralyze or kill a man, officials said.

Abram Soliman, 21, of Elizabeth, was recently indicted on the charges of conspiracy to commit murder and conspiracy to commit aggravated assault, Union County Prosecutor’s Office spokesman John Holl announced today.

In July a 19-year-old Elizabeth man approached Elizabeth police and the Union County Prosecutor’s Office claiming Soliman asked him to kill a man, Holl said. They launched an investigation and set up a meeting with Soliman, the informant, and an undercover officer, Holl said.

Soliman first asked the officer “to paralyze this other man,” and then changed the request to murder, saying “He wanted this other man to disappear,” and offered drugs, cash and loot, officials said.

Should have gone with his gut ..

He said he would make a down payment of $20 and promised installment payments after the murder, officials said. Soliman’s gripe against the intended victim apparently stemmed from a drug deal gone bad, Holl said.

$20!

Soliman was arrested shortly after the meeting and has been held in Kearny since then in order to avoid a potential conflict with other inmates at the Union County jail, Holl said. His bail is set at $250,000.

Here’s the source.

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Assault by … breast milk, right from the source. Loyal Juice readers will recall a similar incident from across the pond a few years ago. Here’s the skinny, from wkyt.com:

A very unusual assault on an officer has more than doubled the trouble for a woman in Owensboro, Kentucky.

Thirty-one-year-old Toni Tramel was arrested Thursday for public intoxication, a misdemeanor. But it’s what she did later that has people talking.

As Tramel changed into an inmate uniform, she squirted a stream of breast milk into the face of the female deputy watching over her.

After the deputy decontaminated herself from the bio-hazard, Tramel was charged with third degree assault on a police officer. Her bond was set at ten-thousand dollars due to the felony charge.

Bam!

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After 6 years of litigation, everything else was settled in this divorce, which began just 4 months after the birth of the child at the heart of the controversy. Just what is the controversy? Whether the birth mother can prohibit her daughter’s stepmother from calling the stepmother “Mum” or a variation thereof. Really. This was the only issue left for a Judge in Australia to decide. Per the Australian:

The woman, who cannot be named, argued that her ex-husband was deliberately undermining her role as their child’s mother, by encouraging his new wife to answer to the terms “Mum” and “Mummy” and “Mummy-D” (D being the first letter of the stepmother’s first name).

Biological mum’s argument:

… the stepmother should not be permitted to refer to herself “as a motherly figure”.

Biological dad?

By consent, her ex-husband agreed that his new wife should not be “Mum or “Mummy” but thought “Mummy-D” was fine.

Sounds like a reasonable compromise. Mum?

Ms Klement [mum] was “adamant that the child should only call her Mum” or any variation of “Mum”.

Judge, please, put an end to this.

The court declined to make an order that the child not refer to her stepmother as “Mummy-D” in part because the judge was concerned that such an order would lead to further litigation “where it would be up to the court to determine whether the father had breached the order in relation to encouraging the child to use the term Mummy-D”.

Well done, sir. Here’s the source.

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Getting kicked there hurts. How about getting shot there?

A Vallejo teenager allegedly shot himself in the testicles Thursday afternoon, police said.

Police said the 17-year-old, whose name is being withheld because he’s a minor, walked into Kaiser Permanente Vallejo Medical Center at about 5:45 p.m. with a gunshot wound.

The gun is still outstanding, police said, and the teen has not been cooperative.


Cooperation is probably not at the forefront of this kid’s mind right now… Source:
The Oakland Tribune/Times-Herald

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There is a law in Japan that forbids the importing of photographs showing male genitals. Why would The Juice know this? No, not because of a recent trip to Japan. Because, returning home from a trip abroad, Japanese publisher Takashi Asai was carrying a book of Mapplethorpe photos that he published in Japan in 1994. Under Japanese law, imported genital photos are illegal. So how did he make the book in the first place? When he brought the negatives in years ago, customs did not check them.

Mr. Asai is challenging the ban. Although he lost in the lower court, he is confident that the Supreme Court will rule in his favor. To see some of Maplethorpe’s work, click here.

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A crushing blow has been dealt to schoolboys throughout the Indian State of Andhra Pradesh by it’s highest court.

The Andhra Pradesh High Court on Friday barred the release of a controversial Telugu movie after it allegedly inspired a Warangal schoolteacher to elope with her student.

NO! Oh, sorry.

The ruling came on a public interest litigation alleging that the film High School, said to be woven around a 30-year-old teacher’s love affair with a 13-year-old schoolboy, could have a corrupting influence on students and vitiate the atmosphere in schools.

Vitiate?” Takes The Juice back to the SATs …

The petitioner, S. Chakrapani, president of the Warangal Town Consumer Council, also challenged the state censor board’s decision to clear the movie without considering its social impact.

On behalf of teenage boys across Andhra Pradesh: Curse you Mr. Chakrapani!

The film’s plot has been in the news for some time. It is said to have encouraged a 21-year-old teacher and her 15-year-old student to elope and marry by exchanging garlands at a temple in Warangal on February 15.

It’s a movie! Not a directive! It is indeed a very slippery slope. And what about this 15-year-old?

B Nagesh, a student of C V Raman High School, told his parents of his marriage with his Hindi teacher D Ramyasri four days later.

Hmmm. Four days later …

The parents complained to the State Human Rights Commission. Unlike the movie, their marriage was declared null and void.

“This act… on part of the teacher is not only immoral but also illegal,” commission chairperson Justice B Subashan Reddy said

Indeed, but don’t blame the movie. The Juice wonders if “Call of Duty” is popular in Andhra Pradesh…

Source: Hindustan Times

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Talk about pushing your luck. This is from the Colorado Springs Police Blotter:

Summary: Burglar alarm tripped at 7:25 PM at Dublin address, which is a medical marijuana dispensary. Access made by breaking front, glass door. Suspect gone upon officer arrival. At approximately 7:45 PM a burglary alarm was tripped at 300 W. Garden of the Gods Road, which is also a medical marijuana dispensary. Access was gained by breaking a glass door on the east side of the building. Suspect was gone upon officer arrival.

Keep it rolling, right?

At approximately 8:10 PM a third burglary (in progress) was reported via phone, at 5030 Boardwalk Dr, which is also a medical marijuana dispensary. When officers arrived on scene they found a suspect detained by victim and witness. Evidence found on the suspect linked him to all three burglaries. Adults Arrested: Gary Harrison, Age 45

Doh!

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Yes, sir. They’re tackling the big problems in Victoria, Australia. Here are a few recently enacted laws:

In Bass Coast shire, families were shocked to learn they needed a $100 permit for children to camp in their own back yards.

Geelong residents can be fined for feeding ducks or throwing stones into a public lake.

In Whittlesea, garage sales can’t be advertised until the day of the sale and if the signs aren’t removed by the end of the day the seller would get a $234 fine for each sign.

Pigeon keeper Frank de Pasqvale said new times for exercising pigeons in Wyndham would make the birds easy targets for eagles. He said it also would be difficult for owners who had work and personal commitments during those hours.

Controversy surrounding the exercising of pigeons? Who knew. Here’s the source, The Herald Sun.