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How often do you think to yourself “I love work so much, I wish I never had to go home”? Me too. How about “Wow, I wish this day would end so I can go home”? Me too. Still, how far would you go to get off of work early? Would you, say, start a fire in your office? How about turning off the breaker for the entire office building? How about rigging the phones so that there would be no incoming calls? Sounds crazy, right? Check this out, as reported by the St. Petersburg Times:

Pasco sheriff’s investigators said Michelle Perrino, 40, started a fire at Bayonet Point Oxygen on May 12, 2009. Perrino drew suspicion when she mentioned the fire’s origin — a filing cabinet — during an employee meeting. Employees had not been told where the fire started.

Filing cabinet? No, I didn’t say “filing cabinet.” I said “hire a rabit.” You know, rabbits are fast, and they’re so cute …

[The] Sheriff’s reports also quoted Perrino’s friend, who said she told him she also tripped the main breaker for the office building so it would lose power and adjusted the phones so no calls could come in, all so she would be sent home from work early with pay.

So what happened to Ms. Perrino?

[She] pleaded guilty Monday to criminal mischief and was sentenced to nine months in jail, followed by five years of probation. She must also pay $4,800 in restitution and have no contact with Bayonet Point Oxygen or its employees.

Works for The Juice.

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Regular readers know that The Juice is not a big fan of Big Brother. Like-minded Juicegoers probably won’t be too fond of this proposed ordinance now pending in Sullivan’s Island, South Carolina:

Sec. 14-15G. Yelling, shouting, etc.

It shall be unlawful for any person to yell, shout, hoot, whistle, or sing on the public streets, particularly between the hours of 11:00 p.m. and 7:00 a.m. or at any time or place so as to annoy or disturb the quiet, comfort, or repose of persons in any office, or in any dwelling, or other type of residence, or of any persons in the vicinity.

Really? You’re actually considering passing this? No offense to whoever drafted this, but The Juice really hopes he/she/they did not go to law school because this absurd ordinance sets a new standard for vagueness. What a hoot! Good luck enforcing it! Here’s a link to the proposed ordinance on the town’s website.

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Lots of people have a cup of coffee before work. Some weed before work? Not so many. Among those that do so indulge, at least on the day in question, is Mr. Brock Hopkins. Based on the title of the post, you can probably see where this is going. Dude gets high. Dude gets mauled by bear. Dude’s employer blames the weed (and also says Dude was a “volunteer” not an employee.)(And yes, dude, The Juice did recently see “The Big Liebowski”). On that last bit, said Mr. Kilpatrick, the owner of Great Bear Adventures [or misadventures] Park, per the AP,

Kilpatrick and the co-defendant in the case, the Uninsured Employers’ Fund, contended that Hopkins should not be eligible for workers’ compensation for those injuries because he was a volunteer acting outside of his duties and was not a paid employee.

Kilpatrick acknowledged giving money to Hopkins but it was given randomly and “out of my heart,” the owner told the court.

Interesting. So what did Judge James Jeremiah Shea of the Montana Workers’ Compensation Court have to say about that?

Shea ruled that Hopkins was a regularly paid employee and Kilpatrick’s claims were not credible.

“There is a term of art used to describe the regular exchange of money for favors — it is called ’employment,'” the judge wrote.

Snap! What about the weed?

Hopkins acknowledged smoking marijuana before arriving at work that day, the judge said. Hopkins worked on the park’s gate for about two hours, then prepared food for the bears.

Uh-oh.

After he stepped inside the bears’ pen with a bucket of food, one of the grizzly bears attacked him. Hopkins fled, managing to escape by crawling under an electrified fence. He suffered severe injuries to his leg and had to be hospitalized, according to the court.

The weed! The weed! What about the weed?

“I cannot conclude based on the evidence before me that the major contributing cause of the grizzly bear attack was anything other than the grizzly,” the judge wrote. “It is not as if this attack occurred when Hopkins inexplicably wandered into the grizzly pen while searching for the nearest White Castle. Hopkins was attacked while performing a job Kilpatrick had paid him to do — feeding grizzly bears.”

Bam! Eligible for workers’ compensation. Next case!

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Wow. Quite a compendium. These folks were caught (and some were busted for) having sex in all kinds of places. As reported by The Mirror, the places are …

On a cop car

For some people having sex in public just isn’t daring enough and they must take it that extra mile by, for instance, having sex on a police car. But not just any old cop car, one that has bobbies in it.

A randy Dutch couple – known for their clogs and proclivity to fornicate in full view of emergency service personnel – decided the bonnet was the place to bonk and say they didn’t notice the two cops sitting in the car (eating donuts and watching, no doubt).

The police got out of their car and politely asked the couple to stop and go somewhere else, as the law doesn’t specifically prohibit people from having sex on top of a cop car but does state that police officers need to be available for duty.

In church

Sometimes the Holy Spirit takes over in church and people leap to their feet to praise the Lord. A couple in Cesena, Italy, put a whole new spin on worship when they ‘took communion’ in the confessional booth during morning mass.

The police were called after members of the congregation heard ‘grunts and moans’. The couple – who were drunk – were cautioned for obscene acts and disturbing a religious function, which ‘religious function’ was disturbed we ask?

At school

That hotbed of hormones is a well known breeding ground for dangerous sexual liaisons but it’s not so controversial if two teachers get together on campus, unless they do it in front of a security camera.

That’s exactly what one stupid, married principal in North Carolina did. Not once, but many times with various women. He had the presence of mind to do it behind closed doors but neglected to turn off, or avoid, the security camera pointing directly at his desk. Video was later released forcing him and his co-stars to resign.

In a car park (parking garage)

A car park isn’t a particularly unusual place to find a copulating couple but this month two love cheats were exposed in Scotland when they “got carried away”. Gillian Stalker and John McDougall denied ‘dogging’ after having sex in a car and moving the romp outside into the car park at Irvine beach in Ayrshire.

Gillian Stalker, 40, said she was aware of another man watching them from his car but denied police claims that the area was busy with dog walkers and children and said neither she nor her lover would normally have sex in public.

The self-employed saleswoman told the court: “John and myself had engaged in some sexual activity in the car. “But as there was not much room, and also because it was a nice day, we decided to continue outside and in a public place.”

She said she and McDougall did not take much notice of the man watching them “as we were getting a bit carried away, as you do in a situation like that”.

In a bank

The French are well known for their sexual passion and one couple just couldn’t hold back when they found themselves alone in the bank.

The duo was caught by a group of teenagers armed with a mobile phone across the street. Be warned, the video is explicit, but the woman’s reaction when she realised she’s been sprung is priceless. She faints.

In the cockpit

In 1916, the first ever known case of sex on a plane resulted in a plane crash – probably because it was the pilot who was immersed in the action. Is this why it’s called the cockpit?

The National Transportation Safety Board has also attributed one fatal accident to a pilot being distracted by extra-curricular activities noting that she made an “improper in-flight decision to divert her attention to other activities not related to the conduct of the flight.”

Clear evidence that while joining the mile high club may be fun it’s not such a great idea if you’re in charge of keeping the plane up.

At work

One quite night in England a Polish contractor working late on a children’s hospital decided the stress of the day was just too much and he needed to relieve himself. There beneath him lay Henry, a vacuum cleaner with a great big cartoon smile on its face. Who could possibly resist?

A passing security guard saw the man in flagrante and asked him to clean himself, and the vacuum, up before leaving the premises.

On a crane

Have you ever looked at a crane and thought ‘Pwoar, I’d really like to get down on that’? Thought not. But Florida couple Justin Dunn and Nicole Albert climbed up on a crane in broad daylight to bump and grind.

The couple got off with just a warning, as Dunn’s father owned the crane and it was private property. They were told to try to be more discrete in the future.

In jail

In Boston Legal lawyers are prone to frenzied expressions of affection on the law books so perhaps we should expect high jinks of a David E. Kelly kind in real life?

Prison tends to evoke unfortunate images best left untouched but nothing as outrageous as a Seattle public defender getting caught having sexual relations with a triple-murder defendant she was representing.

Train tracks

This September a couple in South Africa decided that having sex in the path of a fast-moving train was a good idea…

When the train pulled into the station and the conductor shouted out the window for the couple to move they decided to finish off rather than save their own lives.

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So here’s what Andrew Allen admitted stealing from a home in Blackpool, England, per the Blackpool Gazette:

“He stole a dustpan and brush, a cat basket, a trowel and lawn feeder, a basket with tools and a gardening glove.”

Street value – £51 ($75 US)! Dude, why? In a nutshell: Methadone, sleeping pills, and alcohol.

How do you think this conversation will go? “So, what are you in for?” Uh, er, um …

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Really? All this for some cigarettes? Check this out from the Pocono Record:

Two males backed a pickup truck through the front glass door of the Tobacco Road store on Route 209 in Middle Smithfield Township at 3:38 a.m. Monday, police said.

And then they took a bunch of cigarettes? Not exactly.

The males then exited the vehicle and tried to break in, but couldn’t.

Damn. Where are we going to find another closed store with a window and cigarettes at 3:40 in the morning?

They fled the scene in the vehicle and, 12 minutes later, drove the same vehicle into the front entrance of Beer Nuts in Jay Park Plaza on Route 209 in Smithfield Township. They entered that store, took cartons of cigarettes and fled the scene.

Mission accomplished. The men are still at large, no doubt puffing away.

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No doubt regular readers know that The Juice is a hardcore free speech advocate. That said, surely most folks would agree that Pembroke Pines Principal Peter [damn you for not having a last name beginning with “P” !] Bayer grossly overreacted? As reported by CBS4:

On Friday, November 9th, 2007, then high school senior Katherine Evans posted a picture of her Advanced Placement English teacher, Sarah Phelps, on her page and called her “the worst teacher I’ve ever met.”

Ms. Sarah Phelps is the worst teacher I’ve ever met! To those select students who have had the displeasure of having Ms. Phelps, or simply knowing her and her insane antics: Here is the place to express your feelings of anger.

Evans created the posting after school hours and on her computer at home.

Principal Bayer suspended Ms. Evans for 3 days and “forced her into lesser honors classes.” The actual “charges?”

At the time, Bayer said Evan’s actions constituted “Bullying/Cyber Bullying Harassment towards a staff member” and “Disruptive Behavior.”

My response? WTF? NFW! Ms. Evans’ response? The ACLU filed suit on her behalf, stating that the posting ….

… was “protected off campus speech” and it didn’t contain any threats of violence, did not disrupt any school activities and “gave rise to a spirited exchange of opinions by students who disagreed with Evans, who ultimately proved her wrong in her assessment of the teacher.”

So what does she want? ” … that the three day suspension be revoked and removed from Evan’s permanent record.” Nevermind “the force.” May The Juice be with her.

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Yes, of course grandparents spoil their grandchildren. Maybe a little candy from grandma, or some new clothes. But how about this: 54-year-old Brenda Bouschet was arrested after driving around a Marathon, Florida supermarket parking lot with her 3-year-old granddaughter sitting on the roof! Not to worry, said Ms. Bouschet. Per the AP, “she was driving at “snail-speed” and holding the child’s leg.” And besides, she was just doing it to give the child some air and let her have some fun. Doesn’t everyone do this sort of thing? Uh, no. Ms. Bouschet is looking at child abuse charges.

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What was this young man thinking? I’m feeling depressed, so I’ll throw a dog at a motorcycle gang? Here’s the story, as reported by Reuters:

A German student created a major traffic jam in Bavaria after making a rude gesture at a group of Hell’s Angels motorcycle gang members, hurling a puppy at them and then escaping on a stolen bulldozer.

German police said on Monday that after making his getaway from the Hell’s Angels club, the 26-year-old dumped the bulldozer, causing a 5 km (3 miles) traffic jam near the southern town of Allershausen, local police said. He then fled to his home nearby where he was apprehended by the police.

“What motivated him to throw a puppy at the Hell’s Angels is currently unclear,” said a spokesman for local police, adding that the student had lately been suffering from depression.

The puppy was now in safe hands, the spokesman added.

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A clever theft job in which nobody is hurt is much easier to swallow than, well, a crime like this one out of Australia. Per The Courier-Mail:

About 2am, the offenders kicked in the windows of the Coffee Club in the Home Centre on Springwood and dragged a hefty safe out of the store. Police believe they used ropes to hook the safe up to their vehicle and then drove off, dragging the safe behind them.

So inconspicuous. Brilliant!

But the plans came unstuck when the car performed a u-turn and the safe “flicked” into a culvert.

Despite attempting to hide it with cardboard and some old tyre, a passer-by noticed the safe [essentially intact] before the baddies could return and reported it to police.

These guys are good. Incredibly, they have not yet been caught. Who thinks that day won’t be far off? [The Juice has his hand raised.]

Detectives will examine CCTV footage today in the hope of identifying the culprits.

CCTV!