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Here are some interesting excuses offered by speeding drivers, as recalled by a Tennessee judge and some police officers, per The Murfreesboro Post:

… When he asked why she sped, the driver replied, “My colon has fallen in my vaginal canal.” Spence wrote her a ticket anyway. He figured she could bring medical proof to court if she wanted to contest the ticket. She paid it without a hearing.

Smyrna Police Traffic Officer Casey Hughey stopped a speeding driver and asked about the reason for traveling so fast. “My colonoscopy bag is leaking,” the driver replied. “Prove it,” Huey said. When the driver proved his case, Huey simply told the driver, “Have a nice night.”

Murfreesboro Police spokesman Kyle Evans, a former traffic officer, said he stopped a man and inquired about the reason for speeding. “The reason I was going so fast is because I couldn’t see the speedometer,” the driver said. Evans peered inside the car and the speedometer appeared fine. The driver explained. “Sir, I had my head so far up my butt there’s no way I could possibly see how fast I was going,” the driver said. “After a few short laughs and a warning citation, he was on his way,” Evans remembered. “It was the most original excuse I’ve heard in my 10 years as a traffic officer.”

Tennessee Highway Patrol Trooper Kay Peay clocked a man driving more than 100 mph on U.S. Highway 231 South (Shelbyville Highway) one cold morning. “Why are you going that fast?” Peay asked. He replied he was trying to get his window to defog because he couldn’t see. “Let me get this straight,” Peay said. “You’re going 100 mph because you couldn’t see?” “Right,” the driver answered. He got a ticket.

THP Sgt. Rick Smith said he’s had several drivers ride right behind him when he’s driving with his lights and sirens on while responding to an emergency call. In one case, a “silver-spoon-fed 18-year-old driving a Mercedes” chased Smith responding to an crash call. Finally, Smith got behind the driver and pulled him over. The driver complained at the scene and later to Judge Loughry that Smith entrapped him. “He told the judge I said he was a smart a–,” Smith said. “The judge told him he tended to agree with me.”

Say what? Yuk. Nice one. Dork. Mama’s boy. Click here to read more.

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As a bicycle commuter who has been on the receiving end of many unkind words, The Juice can relate to this incident. From the Colorado Springs Police Department Crime Blotter:

Incident Date: April 5, 2010 Time: 4:34:00 PM

Summary: Stetson Hills Officers were dispatched to a weapons brandishing stemming from a road rage situation occurring at the intersection of Old Farm Drive @ Old Farm Circle West. Officers spoke with an adult male victim who reported that he was riding his bike on Austin Bluffs Park Way when he was confronted by a motorist in a red Jeep Cherokee. The victim alleged that the suspect in the Cherokee yelled at him for being in the street on his bike. A short time later, the two came to a stop at an intersection and they engaged in a mutual discussion about the situation. The victim said at some point, the driver of the vehicle displayed what appeared to be a small caliber hand gun. The victim then used his cellular telephone to take a picture of the vehicles license plate. A robbery charge was attached because the victim said the suspect tried to take the phone away from him, so he drove away from the area and called the police. Officers used the license plate information to obtain the suspects address. They responded to 5220 Farm Ridge Place and spoke with 46 year old Curtis Scrivner. Scrivner was contacted in the back yard of his residence. Scrivner was not compliant with the officer’s requests and a brief stand-off occurred. A short time later Mr. Scrivner ran into his house. A short time later, officers made contact with the suspect by phone and successfully negotiated his surrender. Mr. Scrivner was arrested and booked into the criminal justice center for felony menacing and aggravated robbery.

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If you have kids and they never argue with each other or you, call the doctor because something is definitely wrong. But this pre-teen took it to another level. As reported by nwfdailynews.com …

A father tried to give his 11-year-old daughter a time-out, but she ended up getting charged with a misdemeanor [domestic battery].

Around 9:30 p.m. March 24, the girl and her 7-year-old brother got into a fight over who got to sit in a certain chair, according to an Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office arrest report. The father ended up escorting the girl to her room.

The man stood in the hallway watching her, making sure she wouldn’t try to run away out her bedroom window, the report said. The girl grabbed a toy gun and threw it, striking her father in the head and causing him to bleed from a laceration on his scalp.

She’s due in court on May 5. The Juice is guessing that future time-outs may be more effective. Here’s the source.

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No, not the kitties! From High Bridge, New Jersey, per the Hunterdon County Democrat (via nj.com:

Three cats were reportedly locked in a freezer and oven during a theft at a Main Street apartment here. The cats were apparently not injured, but electronics and other items were reported stolen, police said.

The burglary and theft was discovered on Friday, March 26 around 5:30 p.m. Someone heard the cats meowing from the freezer and oven and released them, police said.

Now that could have been a LOT worse. Here’s the source.

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A woman in Broadview Heights, Ohio was kind enough to lend a helping hand to the police. Unfortunately for her, the help consisted of literally leaving a trail for the police from the scene of the crime directly to her house. From the police blotter, as reported by The Sun Star Courier:

RECKLESS OPERATION, RICHARD ROAD: At 4:46 p.m. on Saturday, a resident called police because a dark blue minivan hit a brick mailbox. Plastic remnants from the van’s headlight were scattered along the scene.

Thanks to an antifreeze leak, an officer was able to follow a trail to a home on Quail Oval in North Royalton.

A 39-year-old female admitted to striking the mailbox. She struck it hard enough to deploy the airbag.

The woman was charged with operating a vehicle intoxicated, reasonable control and failure to stop after an accident.

Doh. Good thing she only hit a mailbox.

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yellow.jpg Some people, like Principal Ethna Haines, get carried away with their power. Fortunately, the legislative branch is there to keep them in check. The Havant Borough Council has totally BUSTED this crazed megalomaniac for … painting her school to yellow! Before taking this bold stance against colorfulness, people used to ask of the Council, “Haven’t they got anything better to do?” Now we know that they do. This!

Of her outrageous decision to paint a school for 2-9 year-olds yellow, Ms. Haines said: “Other parts of our building are already painted yellow and we use the colour to make the school a bright, positive experience for small children.” Said the contractor who defiled the school: “I think the colour really brightens the whole place up and the children love it.”

Thank goodness for the voice of reason, the Council. Per Council officer Sarah Hain: “The bright yellow colour for the walls seriously detracts from the character and appearance of the conservation area and adversely affects the outlook of neighbouring occupiers.” Mercy! By a vote of 7-5, the Council agreed. Ms. Haines has 4 months to change the color to a dark-stained timber. “Pish,” she said. [not really, but she should have.] She did say that she’s going to appeal the decision, and has no plans to paint the school a darker color. Here’s hoping she wins. To see the school, click here.

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Not only did Adam Michael Kelly “violate” a parking meter, he also cussed out a police officer! Brilliant! As reported by The Cairns Post:

Police were called to a disturbance at the corner of Shields and Abbott streets on August 31 about 8.40pm and found Kelly dry-humping a parking meter and yelling out: “Yeah baby, you know you want it.”

Police prosecutor Sen-Constable Michelle Long said Kelly was making large pelvic thrust actions and officers saw people walking by reacting with disgust at the performance.

This definitely sets a new standard for beer goggles … Although some might find the parking meter behavior humorous, the conduct that followed was extremely offensive:

Then, while talking to police, a woman of Asian appearance walked by and in a loud voice Kelly looked at her and said “fucking gook, fuck off home”, Sen-Constable Long said. [expletives reinserted]

At that point, police arrested the young labourer and took him to the watch-house.

The defense?

Kelly’s lawyer Richard O’Shane said his client had been extremely drunk after an extended binge-drinking session with teammates to celebrate the end of the CDRL football season.

“He can’t remember much of the incident,” Mr O’Shane said.

You know the crime. The time?

…Kelly spent the night in the watch-house … and was fined $150 in court yesterday for causing a public nuisance.

Here’s the source.

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So, it’s 4:30 a.m. in Lincoln, Nebraska, and this guy needed some cigarettes. He was probably drunk (from drinking Bud Light.) Why would I guess that he was drinking Bud Light? Well sir, as reported by the Lincoln Journal Star:

A man who robbed a north Lincoln Kwik Shop on Monday morning brought a disguise — he was wearing a Bud Light box on his head.

The man had a green rag wrapped around his hand, implying he had a weapon, when he entered the store at 4400 Cornhusker Highway around 4:30 a.m. He made off with nine packs of Newport cigarettes, valued at nearly $50, police Capt. Bob Kawamoto said.

A truly wacky – and at least for now unsolved – crime. Here’s the source, which has a photo of the gent entering the premises.

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I would say “only in America,” but this happened in Scotland, pursuant to European human rights laws. Seems that in some Scottish prisons, for a number of years, the prisoners had to “slop out” (clean out) their own toilets. And? Per the Daily Record:

The slopping-out bonanza began in 2004 when knife-wielding mugger Robert Napier used European human rights law to win a court case against the prison service.

So now Scottish prisoners, and ex-prisoners, are cashing in. As for the title of the post …

A drug dealer used his s2000 compensation payout for “slopping out” in jail to buy heroin to sell to his pals.

The taxpayers’ money allowed scheming junkie Joseph Torano to get a discount on the drugs by buying in bulk.

Here’s how the bust of Mr. Torano went down:

Police raided the house after a tip-off. Hannah Kennedy, prosecuting, said Torano appeared from a bedroom in his underwear and a wrap of heroin fell out of his boxer shorts.

Detectives saw something in his mouth, which turned out to be another package of drugs, and a full body search uncovered a third stash.

And check out the language this Member of Parliament used to describe the situation, which has already cost the Scottish taxpayers millions:

“The SNP Scottish government will end slopping out and clean up the mess these administrations have created.”

Get it? “… clean up the mess …” Brilliant! To read more (quite a bit) click here.

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Sure, maybe that sounds just a little insane. But consider this – he was driving! As reported in the Reading Eagle,

Messerly was driving his employer’s minivan on the bypass in West Reading about 3 p.m. April 4 when he climbed out of the driver-side window, stood on the roof and was catapulted into the woods when the van crashed into a guide rail, borough police said.

And that was just the beginning. Mr. Messerly (age 38, of Reading, Pennsylvania) was then seen running – totally naked – along the road. Someone called the cops, and here’s what happened:

When they arrived, the officers were confronted by a nude Messerly, who came toward them and ignored orders to stop. Two of the officers used Taser stun guns on Messerly to try to stop him.

Messerly fell to the ground, but got up as the officers approached him. A third officer hit Messerly in the back with a Taser, which briefly stunned him.

Messerly still refused to heed the officers’ orders and started toward them again.

One of the officers sprayed Messerly in the face with pepper spray, another hit him in the back with a baton and another reactivated one of the Tasers.

Messerly still refused to cooperate.

After a second shot of pepper spray to his face, another hit to his back with a baton and a fifth jolt from a Taser, Messerly was taken to the ground and handcuffed.

Unbelievable! The explanation?

… Messerly … told police he had used crack cocaine the night before the April 4 accident and had not slept since then, according to [Court] documents.

The charges?

… driving under the influence, risking a catastrophe, indecent exposure, resisting arrest, public drunkenness and related offenses.

Here’s the source, including a photo.