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Worst citation: A Little Rock bicycle rider was cited in May for shouting “Turn on your lights!” as two police cruisers sped past him on Seventh Street near the state Capitol. One of the policemen stopped and wrote the cyclist a ticket for expressing “dislike” of how the police were doing their jobs. Dismissed, of course. Is there such a thing as a ticket that an officer can give himself for being a prick?

Worst nap: Police arrested a Camden motorist in May and charged him with DWI when he fell asleep at the wheel after placing a to-go order in the drive-through lane at McDonald’s.

Worst class to attend if you’re a raccoon: An agri/shop teacher killed a live, caged raccoon with a nail gun in November at the start of a Huntsville High School class on wildlife skinning. School authorities saw no need for a reprimand or anything, and in fact with all the attention the coon-killer teacher became something of a folk hero at Huntsville, one admirer showing support by killing and skinning a dog and hanging the carcass on the gatepost of another Huntsville teacher who was thought to have reported the original coon-killing to the Humane Society.

Worst geezery: A state appeals court in March upheld a lower court’s ruling that an 85-year-old Hot Springs psychologist should pay about $1,000 a month in alimony to his estranged wife, a psychiatrist, age 52. The court said the man squandered the couple’s marital assets (earned mostly by the wife), using the money to buy cars and expensive lingerie for young Chinese women and to give them large sums of cash, instead of using it to pay bills. Last straw was said to be a box with a snake inside that turned up on the wife’s driveway, with a note inside saying, “Die, Bitch.” From guess who.

Worst packing: David Huckabee, son of the erstwhile governor, was arrested in April when Little Rock National Airport authorities found a loaded pistol in his luggage as he attempted to board a plane. He said he forgot it was in there.

Worst trunk surprise: Police found a missing car and returned it to its owner, a North Little Rock woman, in February, without bothering to check out the smell coming from the trunk, which the woman found to contain the body of her slain husband, who had also been reported missing.

Best news for sadists: In opposing a legislative measure in March to prevent the torture of household pets and horses, the outdoor editor of the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette warned homeowners that if the bill passed they could be arrested if their pussycat hassled birds at a yard feeder. Such nonsense, fanned by the Farm Bureau, frightened legislators into voting to let the sicko torturers, abusers, and starvers of Arkansas animals proceed with their fun.

Best hole: A sheriff’s deputy lunched at the International House of Pancakes at Benton in March, then went into the men’s room and blew a hole in the ceiling with his service revolver, then exited to explain to customers and employees that the bang they’d heard wasn’t a gunshot but rather the sound of a commode lid falling. Then he made a rather hasty departure. The Benton Courier ran a big picture of the hole.

You can read the entire Arkansas Times article (long, and with some entertaining entries) here.

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Okay, the good news: Ontario resident Barry Shell won the lottery, hauling in $4,377,298. The bad news? Per The Toronto Star:

… after a smiling Shell, 45, had posed for an OLG [Ontario Lottery and Gaming] photo holding his cheque for $4,377,298, he was arrested outside the building on outstanding criminal charges and taken into police custody.

The charges?

… failing to appear, theft under $5,000 and possession of property obtained by crime.

Seems the OLG conducts a “rigorous investigation” of anyone who claims a prize. Here’s the full story.

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Indeed it was for Mark Pannell of Buffalo, New York. Here’s how his day went, as reported by The Buffalo News:

… at about 8:45 a.m. Saturday … deputies stopped Pannell’s car on Grand Island Boulevard near Staley Road for what is being described as minor traffic violations.

Okay. A routine stop, then …

When Deputy Shaun Hediger returned to his patrol vehicle with Pannell’s driver’s license, Pannell stripped down to his underwear and fled into the woods.

Shazam! Surely he was quickly apprehended? Nope.

Deputies pursued Pannell, but lost site of him in the dense underbrush. Even bringing in state troopers, a Border Patrol helicopter and K-9 dog didn’t initially help. After about three hours, the search was suspended.

You gotta figure that he’s gone, at least for a while. Nope. He was spotted at 11:30 p.m., fully clothed. When the police chased him, he jumped into the river. He soon ran out of gas, though, and surrendered. What had he been doing all day – since 8:45 a.m.?

Pannell told police he was in the woods throughout the day, and even took a nap in a tree house at one point. When it got dark, Pannell told police, he returned to the south Grand Island Bridge.

Perhaps this is why he was running (though the stripping down to the underwear part remains unexplained): He was driving on a suspended license, and had outstanding warrants for marijuana possession and traffic offenses. Add charges for “obstructing government administration” to that list.

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This is one dude whose car you better not screw up, or else … Or else what? Here’s what, per the Orlando Sentinel:

A convicted felon is accused of battering an Orlando mechanic because of dissatisfaction with the mechanic’s work.

Yikes. And it wasn’t just any old [alleged] battery.

Patrick called his mechanic, Renaud Myrtil, on Sunday to complain about transmission problems with his gold 2000 Mazda 626. Myrtil had worked on the vehicle in June, according to the arrest affidavit.

When Patrick arrived at the mechanic’s shop about 5:30 p.m. Monday, Patrick told Myrtil to get in the vehicle so Patrick could demonstrate the problems with the car as it was in motion. Myrtil sat in the front passenger seat; a friend of Patrick’s was in the back seat behind Myrtil.

Fair enough, right? Because that “sound” always magically disappears if you’re not in the car.

While driving westbound on Washington Street toward Orange Blossom Trail, Patrick became angry while describing the vehicle’s problems, Myrtil told police.

Patrick and the man in the back seat, both of whom were wearing reflective work vests, then began to beat Myrtil, who told police that he did not try to leave the car because the vehicle was in motion.

When the car arrived in the area of Old Winter Garden Road and Ferguson Drive, Patrick told the man in the back seat to pass forward a gun. Myrtil hit Patrick with his left elbow, causing Patrick to drop the gun to the floor of the car.

Wo! Mr. Patrick was now doubly pissed.

Myrtil told police that Patrick then used a 12-letter expletive to refer to him and threatened to kill him.

[Hmm. 12-letter expletive. Really? Note even “motherf***ker”? Weak.]

Myrtil then jumped out of the car and flagged an Orange County Sheriff’s Office deputy, according to the arrest affidavit. The sheriff’s office contacted Orlando Police after determining that the crime happened within city limits.

 

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It’s just a fact that some folks will complain, whether they have good standing to do so or not. This dude is clearly one of those folks. As reported in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution:

A man who robbed a Wendy’s at gunpoint Saturday night apparently was so upset with his haul that he twice called the restaurant to complain, Atlanta police said.

“Next time there better be more than $586,” he said during one call. He made “a similar threat” in the second call, police said.

About 11:15 p.m., a man wearing a ski mask and holding a gun walked up to the drive-through window at the Wendy’s at 1940 Piedmont Road, police said. He told an employee to put the cash drawer on the counter.

After grabbing the drawer and running away, the robber discarded the drawer in the bushes at the nearby InTown Suites. Police dusted the drawer for fingerprints. However, the robber was seen wearing yellow gloves at Wendy’s.

Police also are checking to see if the robber shows up on hotel security cameras.

Dude would probably complain that the security camera makes him look fatter or older or shorter than he really is …

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It’s fair to say that people generally know what’s in their underwear, and where it came from, right? An Italian gentleman with a wad of a cash in his skivvies couldn’t answer the “where it came from” part, putting him in the soup. As reported at www.couriermail.com.au:

British border control officials caught an Italian man trying to smuggle £10,000 ($17,330) out of Northern Ireland in his underwear. The man was stopped by border control officials on July 23 as he boarded a flight to Rome from Belfast International Airport.

The cash – consisted of British Pound Sterling and Euro notes – was discovered in the man’s underwear, pockets and wallet.

The UK Border Agency said today the man was not able to provide a “reasonable explanation” for why he was carrying such a large amount of cash.

No explanation, no cash.

“The money was detained under the Proceeds of Crime Act and will only be returned if he can provide proof to a court that the money came from a legitimate source.”

The man chose not to travel on the flight, the agency said.

Hmm. Perhaps he wouldn’t be so welcomed without all that cashish. Here’s the source.

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Regular readers know that one of The Juice’s least favorite phrases is “expletive deleted.” So, straight from the indictment (with very brief intro’s) are the f-bombs uttered by Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich (and his wife!).

On squeezing some money from his authority to appoint President-Elect Obama’s replacement in the Senate…

ROD BLAGOJEVICH later stated, “I’m going to keep this Senate option for me a real possibility, you know, and therefore I can drive a hard bargain. You hear what I’m saying. And if I don’t get what I want and I’m not satisfied with it, then I’ll just take the Senate seat myself.” Later, ROD BLAGOJEVICH stated that the Senate seat “is a fucking valuable thing, you just don’t give it away for nothing.”

In regards to the Senate seat, ROD BLAGOJEVICH stated “I’ve got this thing and it’s fucking golden, and, uh, uh, I’m just not giving it up for fuckin’ nothing. I’m not gonna do it. And, and I can always use it. I can parachute me there.”

Showing his love and respect for President-Elect Obama …

ROD BLAGOJEVICH said that the consultants … are telling him that he has to “suck it up” for two years and do nothing and give this “motherfucker [the President-elect] his senator. Fuck him. For nothing? Fuck him.” ROD BLAGOJEVICH states that he will put “[Senate Candidate 4]” in the Senate “before I just give fucking [Senate Candidate 1] a fucking Senate seat and I don’t get anything.”

ROD BLAGOJEVICH raised the issue of whether the President-elect could help get ROD BLAGOJEVICH’s wife on “paid corporate boards right now.” Advisor A responded that he “think[s] they could” and that a “President elect . . . can do almost anything he sets his mind to.” ROD BLAGOJEVICH states that he will appoint “[Senate Candidate 1] . . . but if they feel like they can do this and not fucking give me anything . . . then I’ll fucking go [Senate Candidate 5].”

Later in the conversation, ROD BLAGOJEVICH said he knows that the President-elect wants Senate Candidate 1 for the Senate seat but “they’re not willing to give me anything except appreciation. Fuck them.”

Tidbits relating to (1) some Chicago Tribune writing Blagojevich didn’t particularly like and (2) the state’s assistance in the sale of the Cubs (the same man owns both) …

In another call between ROD BLAGOJEVICH and Deputy Governor A that occurred a short time later on November 3, 2008, ROD BLAGOJEVICH and Deputy Governor A discussed an editorial from the Chicago Tribune regarding the endorsement of Michael Madigan and calling for a committee to consider impeaching ROD BLAGOJEVICH. During the call, ROD BLAGOJEVICH’s wife can be heard in the background telling ROD BLAGOJEVICH to tell Deputy Governor A “to hold up that fucking Cubs shit. . . fuck them.” [His wife too!]

ROD BLAGOJEVICH said Tribune Owner should be told “maybe we can’t do this now. Fire those fuckers.” [“this” meaning aiding with the sale of the Cubs, and those “fuckers” meaning the offending Chicago Tribune writers]

ROD BLAGOJEVICH stated that because of the impeachment articles, “we don’t know if we can take a chance and do this IFA deal now. I don’t want to give them a grounds to impeach me.” ROD BLAGOJEVICH stated that “our recommendation is fire all those fucking people, get ‘em the fuck out of there and get us some editorial support.”

Trying to encourage contributions to “Friends of Blagojevich” …

According to Individual A, after Individual B left the meeting on October 6, 2008, ROD BLAGOJEVICH told Individual A that he was going to make an upcoming announcement concerning a $1.8 billion project involving the Tollway Authority. ROD BLAGOJEVICH told Individual A that Lobbyist 1 was going to approach Highway Contractor 1 to ask for $500,000 for Friends of Blagojevich. ROD BLAGOJEVICH told Individual A that, “I could have made a larger announcement but wanted to see how they perform by the end of the year. If they don’t perform, fuck ‘em.”

Mothertrucker! That boy has a mouth on him! To read the entire indictment,click here.

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Most folks want a clean record. But seriously, would you care if you got busted for jostling? If you would, you best watch your step if you find yourself in Warren, Michigan. From the Warren Code of Ordinances:

Sec. 22-108. Jostling.

It shall be unlawful for a person to be found jostling or roughly crowding people unnecessarily in a public place.

Can you imagine someone getting cited for “jostling” and fighting it in court? Think of how many times you could hear people say “jostle.” The thought makes The Juice chortle.

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The Juice’s first reaction upon reading about this was OUCH! This was followed by OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH! That had to hurt – a lot. For a whole bunch of reasons, this dude has to be regretting the piercing. From a report in The Jersey Journal:

A Belmar man was arrested in Downtown Jersey City after allegedly masturbating in front of a sharp-eyed 76-year-old woman who helped identify the man by telling police she noticed his penis was pierced, officials said.

Lionel B. Froloff, 32, was arrested in Hamilton Park at 2:26 p.m. Monday and charged with lewdness and endangering the welfare of children in a nearby playground, reports said.

The woman, who was sitting with her sister, told police she saw Froloff looking at her with a strange expression on his face and then realized what he was doing, reports said.

Arriving officers noticed Froloff had a pierced tongue and when the cop asked if he had any other piercings, Froloff confirmed what his victim had spotted moments earlier, reports said.

The officers said Froloff became angry at police headquarters, used profanity, and insulted one female officer using a racial slur and a second female officer with a sexual suggestion, reports said.

Charming.

Finally, Froloff began complaining of pain in his pants and said the piercing might be infected, reports said. He was taken by ambulance to the Jersey City Medical Center for treatment, reports said.

What a way to cap off the day. Here’s the source.

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It’s like natural law – you don’t have to write it down. It just is. Here’s the natural law in question: You don’t mess with someone’s toothbrush. Period. Tell it to Ms. Deborah Woist who, according to the police, definitely messed with HER SON’S toothbrush. As reported by The Morning Call:

Investigators say Deborah Woist, 52, decided on July 18 to tidy up a bathroom inside her Springtown Hill Road because it hadn’t been cleaned in two months. The problem, police said, is that she used her son’s toothbrush for the job and later returned it to its holder.

Yikes.

The son, 26-year-old Justin Novack, called police claiming his mother applied feces to his tooth brush.

Zoinks. The cops? Yup.

When police arrived at the home, Woist admitted she used the brush for cleaning and then put it back on the holder, police said.

The Juice gives her props for fessin’ up, though the cops clearly didn’t.

Woist was cited for harassment, police said.

So she ends up cleaning the bathroom and getting busted for her unorthodox methods. Harsh.

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