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For those of you not familiar with a “happy finish,” have you not heard of Google? But back to today’s story, which takes us to an Australian Subway. As reported in the Northern Territory News:

A female robber surprised staff at a fast food restaurant with a strip, before fleeing with more than $500 in cash.

Before some of you get too excited, the term “strip” is used a little liberally.

Staff at the Subway restaurant in the Darwin suburb of Berrimah discovered a whole new meaning for “one with the lot” during the brazen daylight robbery at the weekend.

Police said a woman – believed to be between 25 and 30 years of age with dark hair – walked into the Subway on Sunday at 11.15am, demanding money and “waving a knife”.

Police said the woman then removed her top, exposing a black bikini top, before running to a waiting getaway car.

Now that’s an exit.

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Clearly The Juice is not a big Subway fan. And while it may be true that there are now more Subway “restaurants” than McDonalad’s “restaurants” worldwide, it’s also true that Subway has an incredibly low franchise fee.

Anyway, back to the Subway in question. It’s in Florida. And if you asked for “extra meat,” you really didn’t want extra meat… As reported by tcpalm.com:

Undercover investigators for the St. Lucie County Sheriff’s Office said a sandwich artist [ha!] was doubling as a drug dealer at the fast-food restaurant in the 1900 block of U.S. 1, Fort Pierce. The investigators said Elizabeth Hunt, 47, would slip a bag of marijuana to customers who asked for extra meat with their subs. They said Hunt gave them two grams of marijuana on two occasions last month when they used the code. The investigators dropped $10 into the tip jar for each purchase, according to her affidavit.

Hunt, of the 600 block of Grand Club Place, Fort Pierce, was being held Thursday in lieu of $55,000 bail on two charges of sale and delivery of marijuana within 1,000 feet of a convenience store, possession of marijuana with intent to sell within 1,000 feet of a convenience store and possession of drug paraphernalia.

And once again, many people have found that there is no good reason to go to Subway … Here’s the source, including a mug shot.

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That may be an understatement. Sure, if you’re in jail, maybe it’s not a big deal to steal from another inmate. But what about stealing a computer from the jail? Yup. Per the Kalamazoo Gazette:

Kalamazoo County Circuit Judge Gary Giguere Jr. sentenced [Western Michigan University student William K.] Bradley on Monday, telling the Kalamazoo resident his jailhouse theft was “the dumbest crime I’ve heard today” and “may be in the top half-dozen in my career.”

Bradley, who has racked up six felonies and four misdemeanors by the age of 25, agreed with the judge, saying, “I’m not the best criminal.”

This had to hurt …

Bradley asked for home arrest, but Giguere instead ordered him back to jail for six months.

Not a good sophomore year for Mr. Bradley.

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It was not a good night for employees at a Kalamazoo, Michigan Wendy’s. Why? A drive-thru order turned into a melee – outside of, and inside, the restaurant. As reported by The Kalamazoo Gazette:

Kalamazoo Department of Public Safety officers said they were called to the restaurant at 2814 Portage St. at about 12:17 a.m. Saturday to quell a large fight.

Upon arrival, officers encountered a loud disturbance between unsatisfied customers and frustrated employees inside the business, according to a police news release.

Remember, these were drive-thru customers.

During their investigation, officers were told the incident started outside when four customers in a vehicle, voiced their displeasure with an employee at the drive-up window.

According to the news release, customers said there was a discrepancy between the food that was ordered and that what they received. Wendy’s workers said it was simply a communication breakdown that could have been easily fixed.

But it wasn’t …

… officers said they were told that as tempers flared, fountain beverages, hamburgers and fries were all hurled through the drive-up window and the food struck an employee inside.

Well, the customer’s always right, right?

The employee allegedly then threw food items back out at the vehicle, striking it with carbonated soda, ketchup and fries.

Oh no you di’int.

Officers said two of the vehicle occupants went into the restaurant and began fighting with employees . Punches and chairs were thrown.

Wo. And?

Two of the customers, Kalamazoo residents, were arrested on charges of assault and excessive noise. The employee received minor scrapes and abrasions during the melee.

Shazam!

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Yes, a real fight, with weapons, began with some grass clippings. As reported by The Review (East Liverpool, Ohio):

Two men were charged with felonious assault Sunday after they got into an argument over grass clippings that evolved into a fight with a machete and a club.

Whoa there, fellas.

City police charged Raymond C. Link, 63, Anderson Boulevard, and Collin Neal, 82, South Park Circle after officers were called to Anderson Boulevard Sunday afternoon for a report of a machete attack.

There, they were advised by Link that he had had trouble with his neighbor, Neal, over grass clippings blowing into Link’s property.

So your neighbor is responsible for the wind?

Link said when he confronted Neal, he was assaulted with a wooden club, with Neal hitting him in the head.

Doink!

Link then armed himself with a machete and injured Neal’s left hand, according to reports.

Neal then got his AK-47 … (kidding)

Neal told officers he was trying to remove the clippings when Link struck him with the machete, so he went and got the club, but he denied striking his neighbor.

Think this is over? Unlikely. Here’s the source.

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Sure, the “is that a … in your pants” is not a not totally uncommon theme. Still, a loris? As reported by the BBC:

Two of the men were found with slender lorises concealed in pouches in their briefs, a customs official at Indira Gandhi International Airport told the BBC.

Yes, they had lorises in their underwear! How were these clever gents caught?

The animals were uncovered when security guards noticed a bulge in their underwear during a frisk.

You can read more (a fair amount) here.

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No, she didn’t hit him with a frying pan. She didn’t throw something at him. You can keep guessing, but you won’t get it. As reported by The Northwest Florida Daily News:

On Aug. 30 two Okaloosa County Sheriff’s deputies were called to a Country Breeze Lane residence about a disturbance. Once there they interviewed a husband and wife, the apparent source of the disturbance.

The man said he’d been involved in an argument with his wife over a text message. He came about 8:30 that night and the argument continued, with his wife following him around the house, yelling in his face.

While in the bedroom, she allegedly jumped on his back and put her arm around his neck. He removed her arm, but then she grabbed him from behind and placed her fingers in his mouth, pulling his mouth apart, the arrest report indicated. This was said to have caused a small cut in his mouth.

She jammed her fingers in his mouth and pried it open! Yikes. So what did she say happened?

The woman told deputies she had found out her husband was cheating on her and she’d told him not to come home. As they argued, somehow her fingers “ended up in his mouth,” the deputy wrote.

Yeah, that happens to The Juice all the time. Next thing you know, your fingers just end up in someone’s mouth!

The woman was charged with misdemeanor battery.

Here’s the source.

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You hear “police chase,” you think of police cars chasing a car, usually a drunk driver. Not this time. Sure, the police were in cars, but not the “perp.” He was on foot, and naked! And the cops bothered to chase him way too long, as reported by wpxi.com:

Police in Beaver County said a naked man led them on a three-mile foot chase through several communities.

Three miles!

Investigators said the man was first spotted near a busy intersection with a lot of traffic on April 20.

A groundskeeper for a nearby cemetery said he was shocked when he saw the man without any clothes on roaming the streets.

“We were working and I saw out of the corner of my eye this flash go by. I looked and I saw his naked butt go by. I didn’t need to see anymore,” said Mike Zorich.

Zorich said the man ran past him and kept running through Beaver Falls Cemetery. “He went by in a flash and that was the end of it,” Zorich said.

Well, maybe that should have been the end of it. But no way would the fuzz let this naked guy get away with it!

Police estimate he made it through three townships and ran about three miles completely nude through several wooded areas before they were able to catch up with him.

Investigators said they eventually were able to catch him while he was wading through a creek. Police said they have no idea why he was in the water.

The charges?

Carlos Noel Pena, 24, was charged with open lewdness.

Really? Open lewdness? Truly an excellent use of police resources. Here’s the source.

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You call 911 when you are in trouble, not when you’re going to cause trouble. Who doesn’t know that? Well, there is this one guy … As reported by Lancasteronline.com:

At 11:45 a.m., [52-year-old Dennis] Auker called 911 and said he was going to beat up his neighbor and put him in the hospital, [Ephrata police Lt. Tom] Shumaker said. (The two neighbors had a verbal dispute earlier Thursday morning, Shumaker said. He did not know what it was about, but said they have had ongoing issues with each other.)

Auker told the dispatcher he would call 911 back when he was finished with the assault.

That call? Not such a good idea.

Police responded to the 100 block of East Walnut Street to ensure the neighbor’s safety when he returned home.

When he did, police arrested Auker. He was charged before District Judge Tony Russell and was committed to Lancaster County Prison after failing to post $5,000 bail.

Here’s the source.

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It probably went something like this: “Don’t worry, honey. I’ll call my friend the Judge. You’ll be out in no time.” Or not, though the call was made to the Honorable James (“Jim”) Patrick Sharp, Jr., Justice on the First Court of Appeals in Houston, Harris County, Texas. Here’s what happened, from the State Commission on Judicial Conduct’s Findings of Fact:

On January 17, 2012, at approximately 8:00 p.m., Justice Sharp received a telephone call from a family friend informing him that her 15-year-old daughter had been arrested for shoplifting at a department store in Brazoria County.

The friend informed Justice Sharp that her daughter had been taken to the Brazoria County Juvenile Detention Center (hereinafter “Juvenile Detention”). She further informed Justice Sharp that Juvenile Detention staff had advised her that pursuant to standard policy, her daughter would not be released until the following morning.

The friend asked Justice Sharp for assistance in securing her daughter’s early release from Juvenile Detention so that she would not be required to spend the night at the facility.

So what did the Judge do? Plenty.

During all of the calls, Justice Sharp identified himself as a Justice of the First Court of Appeals; he stated that he was calling on behalf of his friend’s daughter (hereinafter the “juvenile”); and he sought information on how to secure the juvenile’s early release from Juvenile Detention.

During all of the calls, Justice Sharp was advised that Brazoria County had a policy that required the juvenile to remain in Juvenile Detention until the following morning, at which time a judge would magistrate her and/or review her case.

Policy? Fuhgeddaboutit!

Not satisfied with the response he had been given, Justice Sharp repeatedly and persistently asked Juvenile Detention staff what could be done to secure the juvenile’s early release, and offered to drive to the facility to magistrate and/or “sign orders to release” the juvenile that night.

First up?

During his conversation with the Assistant Director, Justice Sharp referred to the possibility of Brazoria County being sued for failing to release the juvenile that night, stating: “[Y]our county is going to be sued for hundreds of thousands of dollars for this. You’ll have picked the wrong little girl that has friends in high places to mess with.”

Justice Sharp also stated to the Assistant Director, “Well, I can tell you this, things are about to change in Brazoria County. You guys are a bunch of back woods hillbillies that use screwed up methods in dealing with children and I can promise you this, things are about to change in Brazoria County.”

Charming. Moving right along …

At approximately 10:00 p.m. that night, Justice Sharp telephoned a local District Judge and left a voicemail message advising the judge that a friend’s daughter was being detained in Juvenile Detention, and that he hoped the judge would “make a call” to release her.

Justice Sharp also sent a text message to the District Judge asking if he would call Juvenile Detention to help “get [the juvenile] released tonight.”

Next up?

At approximately 10:30 p.m. that night, Justice Sharp telephoned a Brazoria County Commissioner and left a voicemail message identifying himself as “Justice Jim Sharp in Houston,” and advising the Commissioner that his friend’s daughter had been arrested for shoplifting and was being held in Juvenile Detention.

In his voicemail message, Justice Sharp asked the Commissioner, “What can we do to get that girl out tonight?” Justice Sharp further expressed his opinion there was “no sense” in having the juvenile spend the night in jail, and that, “I need your help. You will probably know who to call to make the keys go open.”

At approximately 11:47 p.m. that night, Justice Sharp sent a text message to the Commissioner, stating as follows: “If I were Brazoria Co. commissioner, I’d be on [the] look out for some serious lawsuits arising from your juvie [sic] facilities. . . You don’t release 15 yrs olds accused of simple shoplifting (bra and jeans) to their parents on the request of an Appeals Ct Justice? Serious problems there, Dude. Call me pronto, please. Justice Jim Sharp.”

Props for being such a good friend?

In voicemail and text messages to the District Judge and the County Commissioner, Justice Sharp made the following statements concerning a Juvenile Detention officer, who Justice Sharp accused of being “rude” to him:

a. The officer was the “most arrogant little prick [he] had ever talked to in [his] life,” and that if he had met with the officer “in person,” the officer would have known that he “had visited.”

b. If he had spoken to the officer “in person,” and if Justice Sharp had been in possession of a “baseball bat . . . that son of a bitch would have been cracked upside the head. Fucking little cocksucker.”

c. “Brazoria County Juvie Folks are [not] just arrogant but ignorant. When an Appeals Court Justice calls and identifies himself and then they refer to me as ‘Mr.’ Sharp, it bespeaks a fundamental misunderstanding of respect and pecking order!”

d. “[S]ome county paycheck functionary . . . call[ing] me ‘rude’ also is totally unacceptable and that stupid asshole need find [a] new job that never has him communicating with appellate court justices. Had I been there personally, it would have been damn ugly for him.”

Yikes.

During this same night, Justice Sharp unsuccessfully attempted to contact a former State Representative, a senior district court judge, and a local criminal defense attorney, all in an effort to secure the juvenile’s early release from Juvenile Detention.

Shazam! Like The Juice said, the Judge was fortunate to only receive a public reprimand. You’ll find the full document here.