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You call 911 when you are in trouble, not when you’re going to cause trouble. Who doesn’t know that? Well, there is this one guy … As reported by Lancasteronline.com:

At 11:45 a.m., [52-year-old Dennis] Auker called 911 and said he was going to beat up his neighbor and put him in the hospital, [Ephrata police Lt. Tom] Shumaker said. (The two neighbors had a verbal dispute earlier Thursday morning, Shumaker said. He did not know what it was about, but said they have had ongoing issues with each other.)

Auker told the dispatcher he would call 911 back when he was finished with the assault.

That call? Not such a good idea.

Police responded to the 100 block of East Walnut Street to ensure the neighbor’s safety when he returned home.

When he did, police arrested Auker. He was charged before District Judge Tony Russell and was committed to Lancaster County Prison after failing to post $5,000 bail.

Here’s the source.

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It probably went something like this: “Don’t worry, honey. I’ll call my friend the Judge. You’ll be out in no time.” Or not, though the call was made to the Honorable James (“Jim”) Patrick Sharp, Jr., Justice on the First Court of Appeals in Houston, Harris County, Texas. Here’s what happened, from the State Commission on Judicial Conduct’s Findings of Fact:

On January 17, 2012, at approximately 8:00 p.m., Justice Sharp received a telephone call from a family friend informing him that her 15-year-old daughter had been arrested for shoplifting at a department store in Brazoria County.

The friend informed Justice Sharp that her daughter had been taken to the Brazoria County Juvenile Detention Center (hereinafter “Juvenile Detention”). She further informed Justice Sharp that Juvenile Detention staff had advised her that pursuant to standard policy, her daughter would not be released until the following morning.

The friend asked Justice Sharp for assistance in securing her daughter’s early release from Juvenile Detention so that she would not be required to spend the night at the facility.

So what did the Judge do? Plenty.

During all of the calls, Justice Sharp identified himself as a Justice of the First Court of Appeals; he stated that he was calling on behalf of his friend’s daughter (hereinafter the “juvenile”); and he sought information on how to secure the juvenile’s early release from Juvenile Detention.

During all of the calls, Justice Sharp was advised that Brazoria County had a policy that required the juvenile to remain in Juvenile Detention until the following morning, at which time a judge would magistrate her and/or review her case.

Policy? Fuhgeddaboutit!

Not satisfied with the response he had been given, Justice Sharp repeatedly and persistently asked Juvenile Detention staff what could be done to secure the juvenile’s early release, and offered to drive to the facility to magistrate and/or “sign orders to release” the juvenile that night.

First up?

During his conversation with the Assistant Director, Justice Sharp referred to the possibility of Brazoria County being sued for failing to release the juvenile that night, stating: “[Y]our county is going to be sued for hundreds of thousands of dollars for this. You’ll have picked the wrong little girl that has friends in high places to mess with.”

Justice Sharp also stated to the Assistant Director, “Well, I can tell you this, things are about to change in Brazoria County. You guys are a bunch of back woods hillbillies that use screwed up methods in dealing with children and I can promise you this, things are about to change in Brazoria County.”

Charming. Moving right along …

At approximately 10:00 p.m. that night, Justice Sharp telephoned a local District Judge and left a voicemail message advising the judge that a friend’s daughter was being detained in Juvenile Detention, and that he hoped the judge would “make a call” to release her.

Justice Sharp also sent a text message to the District Judge asking if he would call Juvenile Detention to help “get [the juvenile] released tonight.”

Next up?

At approximately 10:30 p.m. that night, Justice Sharp telephoned a Brazoria County Commissioner and left a voicemail message identifying himself as “Justice Jim Sharp in Houston,” and advising the Commissioner that his friend’s daughter had been arrested for shoplifting and was being held in Juvenile Detention.

In his voicemail message, Justice Sharp asked the Commissioner, “What can we do to get that girl out tonight?” Justice Sharp further expressed his opinion there was “no sense” in having the juvenile spend the night in jail, and that, “I need your help. You will probably know who to call to make the keys go open.”

At approximately 11:47 p.m. that night, Justice Sharp sent a text message to the Commissioner, stating as follows: “If I were Brazoria Co. commissioner, I’d be on [the] look out for some serious lawsuits arising from your juvie [sic] facilities. . . You don’t release 15 yrs olds accused of simple shoplifting (bra and jeans) to their parents on the request of an Appeals Ct Justice? Serious problems there, Dude. Call me pronto, please. Justice Jim Sharp.”

Props for being such a good friend?

In voicemail and text messages to the District Judge and the County Commissioner, Justice Sharp made the following statements concerning a Juvenile Detention officer, who Justice Sharp accused of being “rude” to him:

a. The officer was the “most arrogant little prick [he] had ever talked to in [his] life,” and that if he had met with the officer “in person,” the officer would have known that he “had visited.”

b. If he had spoken to the officer “in person,” and if Justice Sharp had been in possession of a “baseball bat . . . that son of a bitch would have been cracked upside the head. Fucking little cocksucker.”

c. “Brazoria County Juvie Folks are [not] just arrogant but ignorant. When an Appeals Court Justice calls and identifies himself and then they refer to me as ‘Mr.’ Sharp, it bespeaks a fundamental misunderstanding of respect and pecking order!”

d. “[S]ome county paycheck functionary . . . call[ing] me ‘rude’ also is totally unacceptable and that stupid asshole need find [a] new job that never has him communicating with appellate court justices. Had I been there personally, it would have been damn ugly for him.”

Yikes.

During this same night, Justice Sharp unsuccessfully attempted to contact a former State Representative, a senior district court judge, and a local criminal defense attorney, all in an effort to secure the juvenile’s early release from Juvenile Detention.

Shazam! Like The Juice said, the Judge was fortunate to only receive a public reprimand. You’ll find the full document here.

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Remember The Juice’s post 2 days ago about the epic thermostat battle between 2 sisters? Well, this post involves 2 brothers who got into it over a bottle of shampoo! As reported by The Sheboygan Press:

Two brothers were charged Monday with disorderly conduct for fighting over a bottle of shampoo, according to a criminal complaint.

Jonathan R. Pippert, 32, and Jared J. Pippert, 27, came to blows Sunday at their home at 2728 S. 10th St., where both live with their mother. Jonathan Pippert faces up to two years behind bars due to prior offenses, while his brother face a maximum of 90 days.

2 years! Shazam!

According to a criminal complaint: Police called for a reported disturbance found Jonathan Pippert was on the lawn swearing at his mother. He and his brother both had scrapes and bruises throughout their upper bodies.

Both brothers said the fight began when Jonathan Pippert went into his brother’s bedroom and took a bottle of shampoo while Jared Pippert was in bed. Each claimed the other attacked him, forcing him to defend himself.

The Juice’s call: offsetting fouls. Dismissed!

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Yes, you can end up in jail for slapping a horse. As reported by wmbfnews.com (Wilmington, North Carolina):

Authorities in Wilmington say they were trying to break up a crowd after an assault Sunday outside of a night club when Seth Andrew Bishop apparently decided that slapping the horse of a mounted police officer was good idea.

Slapping any horse? Not cool. Slapping a police horse? Brilliant!

He’s being charged with injury to law enforcement or assistance animal.

He posted bond, which was set at 500 dollars and is out of jail.

Anyone else think the community service will involve working in a barn with a shovel? Here’s the source.

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This was not a well-planned crime. As reported by wate.com (Knoxville, Tennessee):

Police say the victim was stopped at a red light on Davida Lane at Merchants drive around 1:30 a.m. when the suspects walked to his car and asked for a cigarette.

So far, according to plan.

The victim says one of the suspects pulled out a handgun and ordered him out of the car. Both suspects tried to drive off, but the car stalled because they could not drive a stick shift.

Doh! Run!

The suspects both ran off, but officers were able to catch up with them on Clinton Highway.

Jamel Wilson, 18, and a 15-year-old accomplice were charged with aggravated robbery.

 

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Let’s just ignore the fact that the judge explicitly instructed you otherwise. If you were a juror, would you try to friend one of the parties, in the middle of the trial? A young man in Texas did, as reported by The Fort Worth Star-Telegram.

[Jonathan] Hudson was a juror on a Tarrant County civil case last month when he tried to “friend” the defendant and discussed the case on his Facebook page, according to court records. The woman notified her lawyer who, in turn, told the presiding judge, Wade Birdwell.

Dude! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? And about the judge’s instructions …

Texas recently added specific language to jury instructions that bans jurors from discussing the case on social networking sites such as Facebook and Twitter, which was in the instructions given to Hudson, officials said.

Doh! After attempting to weasel out of it (“saying he thought she was someone else”), Mr. Hudson pleaded guilty to contempt of court, and was sentenced to 2 days of community services.

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Everyone, and I mean everyone, has had a haircut they have been unhappy with. But, unlike with virtually every other problem, this one actually does go away with time. A man in Norway couldn’t wait. So, as reported at newsenglish.no:

A man in Drammen was so unhappy with his new haircut that he called police, demanding assistance because he didn’t want to leave the hair salon.

News bureau NTB reported that according to the Søndre Buskerud Police District’s logs, the man claimed that the hairdresser had done such a bad job that he couldn’t go outside without a cap. He apparently didn’t have one.

He also had complained about the result of his haircut to the salon’s proprietor, but was told it was too late to do anything about it.

If only the owner had told him he could take care of it … and then shaved him bald!

The police receiving his call for help told him they had many duties in the course of a day, and responded to many calls, but his would not be one of them.

Here’s the source.

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This robber’s weapon of choice – pruning clippers. It shouldn’t come as a big surprise that the endeavor didn’t go so well. As reported by The Bellingham Herald (Washington):

Police released photos of the robbery Thursday, Aug. 30. They show the masked man walking into Starvin’ Sam’s, 1101 Iowa St.

He brandished a pair of pruning clippers with 3-inch blades, said David Kassner, the clerk working the graveyard shift at 2:50 a.m. Aug. 20. The suspect, who wore a black ski mask with eyeholes, strode toward the cash register and demanded money.

He probably didn’t know the clerk was a Vietnam vet.

“But I wouldn’t do that,” said Kassner, a retired U.S. Army staff sergeant who served in southeast Asia.

Instead the clerk backed up and grabbed a hammer-style stapler that happened to be sitting on a countertop. Employees at the service station use the stapler to tack up posters.

Oh it’s on now.

The suspect grabbed the register and tried to take the whole thing with him. Kassner swung the stapler at the man’s head. He missed his target but must have made contact, because the man “ran out real quick” clutching his wrist, Kassner said, and without any cash.

See ya.

The man was last seen running northbound on Moore Street, said Bellingham police spokesman Mark Young.

Police dogs tried to track him, but the trail quickly “evaporated” – meaning he may have hopped into a car or rode away on a bike, Young said.

Here’s the source, with a surveillance photo of the perp.

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You’re up in a police helicopter, looking down at 3 plants on a guy’s deck. Can you really identify them as marijuana? Really? That’s what they’re saying, as reported by The Times at nj.com:

Peter R. Taylor, 23, was allegedly growing the marijuana on the back deck of his home on the 100 block of Coachman Drive. The plants were spotted by the state police Marijuana Eradication Unit during a helicopter flight yesterday, officials said.

“He saw the helicopter and attempted to pull the plants and destroy them,” said Sgt. Gregory Williams, a State Police spokesman.

Florence police and the Burlington County Prosecutor’s Office had received confidential information about the marijuana growing at Taylor’s house and initiated the joint investigation with the state police, officials said.

“Joint” investigation! Get it?

Law enforcement officers on the ground arrested him immediately after the team in the helicopter saw the plants, police said.

A search of the home revealed just over six ounces of processed marijuana valued at $1,800, Williams said. The three plants have a combined value of $6,000, according to the state police.

If they had information from a confidential informant, why not just get a search warrant? Why the flyover?

Taylor was charged with possession of marijuana, manufacturing drugs, and hindering apprehension by destroying evidence, Florence police said.

He was released after posting $25,000 full cash bail.

Here’s the source.

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In Newport News, Virginia, and some other fun-loving locales across the country, it is illegal for anyone over the age of eleven to trick or treat! This is truly one of the dumbest laws The Juice has encountered (and that’s saying something). Here’s the law:

Sec. 28-5. – Prohibited trick or treat activities.

(a) If any person beyond the seventh grade of school or over twelve (12) years of age shall engage in the activity commonly known as “trick or treat” or any other activity of similar character or nature under any name whatsoever, such person shall be guilty of a Class 4 misdemeanor. Nothing herein shall be construed as prohibiting any parent, guardian or other responsible person having lawfully in his custody a child twelve (12) years old or younger, from accompanying such child who is playing “trick or treat” for the purpose of caring for, looking after or protecting such child. However, no accompanying parent or guardian shall wear a mask of any type.

(b) If any person shall engage in playing “trick or treat” or any other activity of similar character or nature under any name whatsoever after 8:00 p.m., such person shall be guilty of a Class 4 misdemeanor.

Here’s a link to the City of Newport News Code of Ordinances (see Chapter 28, Sec. 28-5).