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A pack of cigarettes! She stole a pack of cigarettes! 22 years ago! People! Where is your sense of proportionality? As reported by wesh.com:

A mother of two sits in jail Monday unable to post bail after being put behind bars for the 1991 theft of a pack of cigarettes.

Jail? You couldn’t release her on her own recognizance for this?

“Back in 1991, I shoplifted cigarettes from Walmart,” Hall said.

So how’d they catch her now?

That 22-year-old crime followed her to Port Canaveral Thursday, where she was wrapping up a dream vacation with her husband and two kids.

The family had cruised aboard the Disney Dream, and authorities were waiting for her when they got back. “I was pulled to the side and told I had a warrant,” Hall said.

Authorities said Hall had failed to pay the $85 in court costs when she was 18; and when authorities checked the ship’s passenger list for terrorists, they found a warrant for Hall.

And to this even more ridiculous, check out the exemplary life Ms. Hall has led since her days as a career criminal …

Since the theft, she had put herself through college, receiving a degree in architecture, and now she helps design jet engines for Pratt & Whitney in Connecticut.

Clearly she’s a flight risk, right? What is wrong with these people? Here’s the official explanation:

The Brevard County Jail will not let her post bail because it’s an Orange County charge and she has to be transferred. However, because of the weekend and holiday, that might not be until Thursday.

That’s a bunch of bureaucratic bullshit. The Juice is not pleased with this “case.” Here’s the source, including a video news story.

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There she goes again, doing stuff for other people. Sure, the breaking-into-homes-to-clean-them part isn’t cool, but this? As reported by fox19.com:

Susan Warren also known as “The Cleaning Fairy” was back in police custody today but this time it wasn’t for breaking into homes to clean them; this time she was shoveling driveways without permission.

My snow! Not my snow! You beastly, wicked woman!

Elyria Police went to a home on Brandtson Avenue today for a report of a “suspicious female” shoveling a driveway without the homeowner’s consent.

Really? You couldn’t figure out that she was looking for some money by shoveling the driveway?

During questioning, the officer discovered that 53-year-old Susan Warren had a warrant through Cuyahoga County Sheriff’s Office for probation violation.

Oops.

In November of 2012, Warren was sentenced to one year of probation for breaking into a Westlake home, cleaning it and leaving a $75 bill for the homeowner on a napkin.

She said that it wasn’t uncommon for her to go into homes and clean them and that she never had a problem before that.

Now it’s getting a little creepy. But back to the snow shoveling …

Although Warren was arrested on the warrant, no charges were brought up for shoveling the snow.

And that’s as it should be. Click here for the source, including a photo of Ms. Warren.

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If something’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right. Okay, so maybe that doesn’t really apply to robbing banks. But still, the same sunglasses? Every time? As reported by The Belleville News-Democrat:

A serial bank robber responsible for more than a dozen bank robberies spanning seven states, including two in the metro-east, is now behind bars, according to FBI officials.

The robber dubbed the “Ray Bandit” for his tendency to wear Ray Ban-type sunglasses was identified as Jeremy Evans of Carol Stream in DuPage County.

Tendency?

The description of the “Ray Bandit” in all these robberies was similar: a white male, approximately 5-foot-8 to 6-foot tall, heavyset, wearing disguises ranging from a beard, either black or blond hair usually covered with a hat of some type, a plaid shirt and Ray Ban-type sunglasses.

So the dude changed all these other things, but wore the same shades each time? Brilliant! You can read more (a lot) here.

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Prison? Marry this boy? Prison? Marry this boy? This is just so wrong. As reported by wgntv.com:

A school teacher in North Carolina had sex with a 15-year-old boy, but she avoided going to prison because she married him.

42-year-old Leah Gayle Shipman waited until her divorce was final, then married Johnny Ray Ison six days later. By that time, Ison was 17, and his mother had to give permission since her son was still a minor.

Shipman was facing 15 years in prison on charges of statutory rape; but now, under North Carolina law, Ison can’t be compelled to testify against his new wife.

Without his testimony, prosecutors have no case.

 

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It wasn’t always like this. But on this day, everyone was feeling good, and a little hungry. As reported by The Sarasota County Sheriff’s Office:

Alex Miller, DOB 2/25/90, 3040 Hawthorne Street, Sarasota, [was arrested] for growing marijuana at his home.

Me?

A deputy on patrol last night was flagged down and alerted to a fire behind Miller’s home. He requested that the fire department respond, and upon entering the back yard they noticed several large marijuana plants growing in planters.

Doh!

Deputies notified detectives with the Special Investigations Section who obtained a search warrant for the house. They located 16 plants outside, and multiple bags and jars containing marijuana, and other drug paraphernalia inside the home. In all they seized 2050 grams of cannabis. Miller was charged with Cultivation of Marijuana and released on $5,000 bond.

 

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You may be wondering: “Can you break that?” Unfortunately for Mr. Doe, the answer is “yes.” And yes, it gave rise (sorry) to a lawsuit. The case, out of Massachusetts, is John Doe v. Mary Doe.

Facts. The summary judgment record, viewed in the light most favorable to the plaintiff, Coveney v. President & Trustees of the College of the Holy Cross, 388 Mass. 16 , 17 (1983), establishes the following facts. The plaintiff and the defendant were in a long-term committed relationship. Early in the morning of September 24, 1994, they were engaged in consensual sexual intercourse. The plaintiff was lying on his back while the defendant was on top of him. The defendant’s body was secured in this position by the interlocking of her legs and the plaintiff’s legs. At some point, the defendant unilaterally decided to unlock her legs and place her feet on either side of the plaintiff’s abdomen for the purpose of increasing her stimulation. When the defendant changed her position, she did not think about the possibility of injury to the plaintiff. Shortly after taking this new position, the defendant landed awkwardly on the plaintiff, thereby causing him to suffer a penile fracture.

Yeowwwwwwwwwwww! So, did Mr. Doe make the case that Ms. Doe negligently broke his, well, you know? Nope. You can read the opinion here.

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Craigslist is a great resource. However, as has been demonstrated all too often, it’s susceptible to abuse by all kinds of strange and bad folks. As reported by The Union Leader:

A Hooksett man with a history of faking a brain injury to get home care workers to change his diaper has been indicted for his latest alleged ruse in Hampton.

Eric Carrier, 24, is facing a single count of attempted indecent exposure and lewdness for his encounter with a home care worker in Hampton on Sept 12. A Rockingham County grand jury handed up the charge while deliberating earlier this month in superior court, according to an indictment made public this week.

Carrier allegedly responded to an advertisement the woman posted on the website craigslist.org, claiming he was a 22-year-old disabled man. When the two met in Hampton, Carrier claimed he needed help changing his soiled diaper in an attempt to expose himself to the woman, police said.

As for the other charges …

Carrier was charged last year by Hooksett police with indecent exposure for soliciting five other women by posing as a disabled person on Craigslist, according to police. He was convicted of indecent exposure on July 30, police said.

Court documents suggest that Carrier may already be negotiating a plea deal following his latest arrest. A conviction in his latest case could land him in state prison for up to 3½ to seven years. It’s unclear whether he may face additional punishment for a subsequent conviction.

Hampton police say Carrier claimed he could not control his bowel movements due to a brain injury. A 30-year-old Nashua woman who met Carrier on Sept. 12 grew suspicious of his behavior and later notified police, according to a court complaint.

Hooksett police said they received reports from several other women during their investigation last year, but could not go forward with those cases because they were beyond the statute of limitations. Carrier will be arraigned on his latest charge in Rockingham County Superior Court on Jan. 31.

Looks like he’ll be out of commission for a while. Here’s the source, including a photo.

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So what kind of DUI was it? Per the Beaver County Times (Pennsylvania):

An Ohioville police report said a 911 call came in at 1:40 p.m. Thursday for an “out-of-control male” in the 6000 block of Tuscawaras Road.

Hmm. Seems pretty average so far.

On the way to the location, the officer spotted Mark Grove, 44, of 146 Valleyview Drive driving a lawn tractor down the middle of the road, the report said.

Go on …

Grove smelled of alcohol, was slurring his words and was nearly unintelligible, the report said. There was also a coffee mug sitting on the tractor that was leaking beer, the report said. Grove told the officer, “I’m drunk. Just take me home,” the report said.

Once in the patrol car, Grove tried to kick out the window of the car and then kicked the officer three times, the report said. Grove then threatened to “tear up the hospital” and head-butted the partition between the front and rear seats of the patrol car, the report said.

Now you’re really not getting that ride home.

At the hospital, Grove refused to take a blood-alcohol test or sign any forms, the report said. Once back at the police station, Grove attempted to escape from police custody and damaged a bench and the floor of the station, the report said.

As Mr. Sulu would say “oh my.”

Grove is charged with drunken driving, aggravated assault, criminal mischief, institutional vandalism, resisting arrest, escape, disorderly conduct, driving under suspension, habitual offender for driving under suspension and disregard for traffic lanes.

Here’s the source.

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Ah roommates. If you’ve ever had a roommate, and you say you’ve never had an argument, you’re lying. Still, a knife? As reported in The Brooklyn Paper:

The victim told police that he knocked on his roommate’s door at their apartment between Norman and Nassau avenues at 12:30 am and asked him to lower the volume of his tunes.

Seems like a reasonable request.

The two then started to fight …

Uh oh.

… at which point the housemate grabbed a kitchen knife and stabbed the victim in hand, and then punched him in the head and face, cops said. The victim suffered a deep cut on his hand and bleeding and swelling to his face and was taken to Woodhull Hospital.

It wasn’t enough to stab him?

Police say that when they arrived at the house, they found the knife in the kitchen sink.

Hey, at least he’s not a slob too. The charge: assault. “Wanted: Quiet, considerate, non-knife-wielding roommate.”

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When a drug deal goes south, doesn’t everyone head to the police station? Well, that depends. In this case, it sure looks like the right call. Per the website of The City of Tampa, Florida:

Milton Coley and Louis Xavier Ruiz-Machado arranged to meet at 109th Avenue and Lantana Avenue to conduct a drug deal around 12:40pm on 1/11/13. Coley walked up to Ruiz-Machado who was driving a 2003 Dodge Ram pick-up truck. Ruiz-Machado handed over the marijuana, but Coley refused to pay. Ruiz-Machado fired a shot and Coley fled on foot. He then called a friend to pick him up. As Coley got into his friend’s Nissan Altima in the 2200 block of Bougainvillea Avenue, Ruiz-Machado began chasing them in his pick-up truck. The friend feared for his safety and drove to the Tampa Police Department’s District 2 Office for help.

The pick-up truck chased them twice through the parking lot at a high rate of speed. Ruiz-Machado fired at least one shot and then fled as officers exited the district office with guns drawn. A short time later, officers boxed in Ruiz-Machado on the University of South Florida campus at Bull Run Drive and Elm Drive. USF Police, Florida Highway Patrol and the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office helped detain the suspect. They recovered a 9 mm inside the vehicle. At District 2, witnesses saw Coley throw two large baggies with 59 grams of marijuana into the parking lot. He was charged with possession of marijuana. His friend who was driving did not face charges. Officers recovered one 9 mm shell casing in the parking lot.

Yikes.