Legal Juice

Before you go calling the police about that giant schlong on your driveway, perhaps it's worth determining if it's paint or ... A homeowner in Millville, New Jersey skipped that step, and called Johnny Law, unnecessarily, as reported by The News of Cumberland County.

Someone graced an East Vine Street driveway with a drawing of a penis early Monday morning or before.

The person who called police reported that someone had spray painted the phalus, but police on scene discovered it was chalk. They advised the property owner to wash it off with water and reported no actual property damage.

It was not The Juice's intention to focus on poorly executed crimes this week. Nevertheless, fresh on the heels of yesterday's post, comes this story of a woman whose getaway car had vanity plates WITH HER NAME ON THEM. As reported by WMUR-TV:

Police said surveillance video show a woman wearing a ski mask and hooded sweatshirt robbing the store. Investigators said the robber approached a clerk who was stocking candy and said the pharmacy was being robbed.

Police said employees were on edge after the pharmacy was robbed two days earlier by two men with a shotgun, and workers thought the woman was armed, as well.

"The clerk saw an object in her hand," said Capt. Gerald Lessard. "The clerk assumed she was armed with a handgun because of statements made by the woman." Police said Usher was armed with a painter's knife.

Police said a witness who saw the robber get into a car made a note of the license plate, "B USHER."

In court, Usher said she doesn't remember anything that happened that day. She said she was just released from a hospital and was on medication.

What happens when a robbery is both poorly planned and poorly executed?

Even money says the dude is still running.

You can put your eyeballs back in their sockets. You read it right: 3 months in the slammer (and a fine of about $600!) for possessing 5 firecrackers. From the New Straits Times (Malaysia):

A jobless man was sentenced to three months' jail and fined RM2,000 by the magistrate's court yesterday for possessing five firecrackers.

Mohd Zafizie Mohd Zawawi, 29, pleaded guilty to committing the offence at Gate J of Sultan Mohamed IV Stadium at 9pm on Saturday.

Zafizie, from Kampung Belakang Masjid, who was unrepresented, told magistrate Nik Habri Muhamad neither he nor his parents could afford to pay a high fine.

"I have repented and I promise not to commit the offence again. This will be my first and last offence."

[The magistrate] told Zafizie that he had committed a serious offence because the stadium was a place for recreation.

"If you fail to pay the fine, the jail sentence will be extended by another month."

Forget about "I only had 2 drinks ..." or "I was looking for the Easter Bunny..." Wait, that's what this dude said he was doing. As reported by The Union Leader:

John Fowler, 50 ... claimed a man had come to his house with information about the location of the Easter Bunny, and Fowler said he attempted to follow him.

When he lost the Easter Bunny informant, he tried to return home but crashed his car, Fowler reportedly told police.

Fowler did not sustain any injuries in the minor crash in the area of 105 Main St. around 1:30 a.m., but faces numerous charges, including driving while intoxicated, reckless driving, driving after suspension and misuse or failure to display plates. He was also arrested on two outstanding warrants from the court, police said.

Fowler was released on personal recognizance bail and is scheduled to appear in Candia District Court on Dec. 13 for arraignment.

Hey man, The Juice just finds the news. He doesn't make this stuff up. (I know him, and seriously doubt his imagination would be up to the task.) Darin Cassler of Burlington, Vermont was arrested for starting a pillow fight, albeit a large one. As reported by The Burlington Free Press:

The pillow pugilism broke out Friday afternoon on Church Street and involved perhaps 50 people, according to a video organizers posted on the social-networking site Facebook. The “fight” wrapped up in less than two minutes, and then a police officer strolled up to the scrum, removed Cassler from the crowd and led him away by the left arm, according to the video.

[Cpl. Paul] Glynn issued Cassler a citation for disorderly conduct, a misdemeanor that carries a maximum sentence of 60 days in jail and $500 in fines. The statute requires a person to have acted with “intent to cause public inconvenience, or annoyance or recklessly creating a risk thereof” by engaging in “fighting or in violent, tumultuous or threatening behavior,” making “unreasonable” noise, using “abusive or obscene language” in public, disturbing a legal assembly or meeting, or obstructing vehicle or pedestrian traffic.

You did. You just jacked that little girl's Barbiemobile. Curse you! As reported by Florida's nwfdailynews.com:

A Crestview woman was arrested recently after city police determined she had slipped an acquaintances granddaughter’s Barbie Power Wheel Jeep into her car, on the advice of her boyfriend.

The boyfriend then sold the little girl’s toy, valued at $75, for $20, according to a Crestview police report.

Notified of the theft by an in-law, the victim offered to not go to the police if the thief would return the Barbie Power Wheel Jeep within 24 hours.

The Barbie Power Wheel Jeep had already been sold, according to the police report.

The victim went to the police.

All couples have disagreements. Fortunately, most folks don't handle them the way this Sioux Falls, South Dakota couple did. Here's what went down, as reported by The Argus Leader (per the police):

Edward Martin Lopez Jr. and Russett Lynn Cantrell, both 27, began to argue at their home ... early Sunday morning.

Mr. Lopez struck Ms. Cantrell.

Ms. Cantrell then chased Mr. Lopez around the house, throwing things at him.

Not surprisingly, Mr. Lopez left.

Mr. Lopez returned, and allegedly tried to hit Ms. Cantrell with the car.

In response, Ms. Cantrell then grabbed a rake and swung it at the car, then continued to swing it at Mr. Lopez as he got out of the vehicle brandishing the painter's pole.

A witness called police after Cantrell went into the house for a knife then came after Lopez with it ...allegedly stabbing at the car as he drove away again.

Lopez was pulled over near the house and charged with aggravated assault and DUI. Cantrell was charged with aggravated assault.

You're thinking "of course." Like most things in life, though, it's not that simple. Or ... is it? Dude got married in Pennsylvania, and years later married his girlfriend in Nevada. Pennsylvania charged him with bigamy, and got a conviction.

Not so fast, said Mr. Seiders. I got married in Nevada, not in Pennsylvania. So, even if I did commit bigamy, it was in Nevada, not here. Case dismissed!

What does the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania think of this argument? Not so much. Being married, it says, is conduct that occurred in Pennsylvania. Case closed!

So who won? Mr. Seiders. Said the Court:

The crime of bigamy, under section 4301, is committed at the time when and in the place where the second marriage is contracted or purported to be contracted.

A police officer who stepped up in a Fortitude Valley freestyle rap battle has become a cult hit on YouTube, as reported by The Courier-Mail.

The clip shows the officer being taunted by local rapper Fluence, who risks arrest for obscenity and public nuisance with a line about ``makin' bacon''.

Instead of whipping out the cuffs, Constable Jay pulls out a put-down - referring to his adversary ``downloading gay porn and watching it in slow-mo''. The crowd erupts. Constable Jay then quells the uproar with a plea to ``not cause too much of a ruckus''. Constable Jay has since earned the nickname ``Slim Shady'' from his fellow officers.

Constable Jay may have a new career ...

And Real Talk Battles League president Dennyson Willoughby has invited him to participate in a police versus citizens ``battle'' fundraiser at the PCYC. ``Honestly, I've had run-ins with officers and I've never met one so cool,'' Mr Willougby said.

"He just basically stood there, took it with a grain of salt, gave back his two cents and before it got out of hand, said: 'Oi, oi, calm down'.

``He's obviously got skills. Not only did his rhyme make sense, and it was an effective punchline, but he actually fed off of Fluence's rhyme scheme, rhyming 'low-low' and 'po po' with 'hobo' and 'slo-mo'.

``It was a pure, quality, 100 per cent battle-style rebuttal - which came from a cop... which was unexpected.''