Legal Juice

As reported in The Cincinnati Enquirer:

A Columbus man has been charged with crawling under a table at a library on University of Cincinnati's campus, spraying a substance from a syringe on a woman's shoes and then photographing them.

Dwight Pannell, 43, was booked into the county jail Wednesday on charges of voyeurism, assault and criminal trespass.

What did Mr. Pannell tell the police?

"He admitted taking pictures of her feet," [University Police Captain] Patterson said. "He said he was doing so because it was a new camera."

Okay, what about this?

According to a July 18, 2000, story in The Enquirer, Pannell was accused of attacking a woman with a syringe at Ohio State University's main library. He was charged with assault and possession of criminal tools. The woman was treated at a hospital and released.

Um. Er.

Oh yes she did. Stefanie Woods stole a 9-year-old girl scout's cookie money! And, she just pleaded "no contest" to skipping out on a $25.84 bill at Denny's. As reported by WPBF-TV, here's what Ms. Woods had to say for herself about the Denny's case:

"All I can say is that, I'm really sorry, and Denny's was not my fault, even though you guys don't want to believe me. Nobody wants to believe me, so, that's all I can really say."

Hmm. Maybe people are unlikely to believe you because of what you said after the cookie job:

The teens told WPBF that they were not sorry for stealing the money but were sad that they got caught.

Here's the source.

You might think that the government official who represents the Motor Accidents Authority, and is also the Education Minister for over 1 million kids in New South Wales, Australia, is biking to work to set a good example. You would be wrong. Minister John Della Bosca is riding his bicycle to work because he has gotten seven speeding tickets, from the same camera, in the same place. So his driver's license has been suspended. Here he is!

He will be forever known as the "duct tape bandit." Why? Kasey Kazee, unarmed, entered a liquor store in eastern Kentucky - with his head and face almost completely covered in duct tape. The manager tackled him and held him until the police arrived. Incredibly, despite the fact that the duct tape was removed from his face at the scene, Mr. Kazee initially denied he was the "duct tape bandit." He had a change of heart, and pleaded guilty. He was just sentenced to 10 years in prison. Here's an article from his arrest and one from his recent sentencing.

Okay, so I'm overstating it a little bit. Sanchez Brumfield was charged with killing a man in Louisiana. He's being tried for first-degree murder. While in a holding cell in the courthouse basement, he was seen masturbating by the deputies who were monitoring him by camera. How is this relevant in the murder case? It's not, but the prosecutor argued that, if Brumfield is convicted, the jury should consider it in deciding whether to give him life in jail, or the death penalty. What what what? What possible relevance could masturbating have in the life or death decision? Here's what prosecutor Aaron Brooks said, per The Advocate and WBRZ News 2:

“He will make a lousy prisoner if he’s given a life-sentence,” Brooks said. “And this stunt proves that.”

Huh? What do you do with that kind of reasoning? Just what the judge did - he rejected it. Here's the source.

While Mr. Swinyer was in jail, [former] correctional officer Cole admitted that he assaulted Mr. Swinyer by grabbing him around the throat and shoving him against the wall in response to - what else - a "donut" comment (really). Mr. Swinyer filed suit and litigated the case himself. The docket contains over 100 entries. In the end, more than 2 years after the case began, Judge Leighton held that the injury was de minimus and dismissed the case. (Here's the Court's decision.)

Understandably, Mr. Swinyer did not take the news well. Here is the Notice of Appeal he filed:

I hereby am informing you that I am appealing the asshole Ronald B. Leighton's decision in this matter.

You have been hereby served Notice. You're not getting away with this shit that easy.

Signed this 10th day of July 2006. George C. Swinyer, Jr. Click here to view Mr. Swinyer's Notice of Appeal.

This was not well-received. The Court rejected the Notice of Appeal, stating that it was "not taken in good faith." (Read it here.) Soon thereafter, the case was closed.

An 18-year-old stole an SUV, but couldn't shake the cops. So he ditched it, and ran into the woods. Bad move, because he ran into a bunch of wild boars. The boars were pissed, scaring the thief so much that he started yelling for help. The police gladly responded, and arrested the young man. Here's the source.

So the Largo, Florida police respond to a call about a problem at a bar, and they find Dana Shelton. But there's no problem, and they tell Shelton to move along. Unless you are completely plastered, you realize this is a good thing. Not Shelton. He called 911 - the Largo police - to report that he was "surrounded by Largo police." A definite head-scratcher. Said Largo Sgt. Melanie Holley:

Our officers were standing there scratching their heads. He called, standing there in their presence. It's one of our 'truth is stranger than fiction' cases.

Just like I said, an official "head-scratcher." Shelton got hit with misuse of 911, a misdemeanor. Thanks to Mr. Shelton for providing today's Juice!

The Juice thanks Cindy Hill for submitting this story.

Just like the McDonald's coffee case (PLEASE click here to read the incredible truth about that case, not the BS put out by business groups and the insurance companies), I'm sure that, though the facts are bizarre, Mr. Mustapha's injuries are real and quite serious. Here's what happened, per canada.com:

Mustapha came to Canada from Lebanon in 1976 when he was 16 years old. A decade later, a Culligan Canada representative convinced him to keep a cooler of water in his home, which he was told was particularly beneficial for pregnant women and children. The family bought into the idea in a big way - keeping only Culligan water in their home for the next 15 years.

That all changed in 2001 after the fly incident. Mustapha said he could not get it out of his mind. He said he felt nauseous and suffered abdominal pain. He started avoided all things having to do with water - even drinking it and taking showers. He sought psychological treatment and medication.

"He pictures flies walking on animal feces or rotten food and then being in his supposedly pure drinking water," [Trial] Justice John Brockenshire, of the Ontario Superior Court, wrote in his 2005 ruling. While acknowledging the reaction seemed to be "objectively bizarre," Brockenshire stressed that Mustapha's obsession with cleanliness and predisposed aversion to insects explained his disorder.

At the trial level, Mr. Mustapha was awarded $341,000. Culligan appealed ... and won. Mr. Mustapha appealed to the Supreme Court of Canada and ... lost.

"I conclude that the loss suffered by the plaintiff was too remote to be reasonably foreseen and that consequently, he cannot recover damages from the defendant," Chief Justice Beverley McLachlin wrote in the 9-0 ruling.

Click here to read more.

As a result of this diet, you've gone from 413 pounds to 308 pounds in 8 months. Awesome, right? Not according to much-lighter Broderick Lloyd Laswell. Not only is he not pleased, he filed suit against the responsible parties - his jailers in Benton County, Arkansas (the Sheriff and the Jail Captain). Here are some of his complaints, as reported in The Northwest Arkansas Morning News:

"There are noticeable differences on the size of biscuits and cakes, as well as the sides," according to Laswell, who also wants hot meals to be served from the jail's kitchen.

"On several occasions I have started to do some exercising and my vision went blurry and I felt like I was going to pass out," Laswell wrote in his complaint. "About an hour after each meal my stomach starts to hurt and growl. I feel hungry again."

"If we are in a small pod all day do next to nothing for physical exercise we should not lose weight," according to Laswell. "The only reason we lost weight in here is because we are literally are being starved to death."

If Jail Captain Hunter Petray is correct, it's unlikely Mr. Laswell will starve to death. Captain Petray said that the meals average 3,000 calories per day. Here's the source.

For 57-year-old truck driver Mohamed Nor of Malaysia, 3 wives and 18 kids (ages 4 to 34) are not enough. So he is seeking the permission of the Syrariah High Court to marry a fourth women. And guess who has consented to the marriage? Wives 1,2 and 3. Said Judge Shaikh Ahmad, per the New Straits Times:

“I find it rather strange because since becoming a (syariah) judge, this is the first time where all three wives not only allow their husband to marry another woman but are very supportive of it,” he said during the hearing of Mohamed Nor’s application.

Do you think the Judge allowed the marriage? Not yet. His concern? How can a truck driver making RM 1,500 per month (US $468.75) take on another wife? So Mr. Nor has to answer this question to the court's satisfaction before the marriage will be approved. Here's the source.

It's 2:30 a.m. in Hartman, Arkansas. Do you know where your 12-year-old is? No worries. He's just drinking your beer, with his 10-year-old friend, then taking the truck out for a spin. Why? Per the AP, to find a girl they met at the rodeo! Here's what happened:

The boys made it about 10 miles before the 12-year-old lost control of the truck... the truck hit and jumped over a guardrail, sending it careening 50 feet down a steep hill into a forest.

Incredibly, neither boy was seriously hurt. Clark James, who lives near the crash scene, was a little surprised when he heard someone banging on his door.

"I opened the door and the first thing (the 12-year-old) said to me was, 'I'm drunk and I had a wreck,'" James said. "I looked at him and I thought 'You're kind of young to be out drinking. And you sure shouldn't be driving.'"

The 12-year-old is facing drunk driving, plus a few other charges (like, maybe driving without a license?) Click here to read a little more.

... reap. A saying that will no doubt be heeded (even though I just made it up) by Jane Kodros, who was substitute teaching at Alton High School in St. Louis, Missouri when the brag bug bit. What did she brag about? Per the St. Louis Post-Dispatch:

... having an outstanding warrant for her arrest.

In a further display of good judgment,

Kodros also allegedly made an obscene gesture with her middle finger and used derogatory words when she taught on Monday...

Guess what happened when she returned to teach at the school a few days later? The ball and chain, in second period. What landed Kodros in the soup?

...failing to appear at a court hearing related to a derelict vehicle in Alton.

Whatever that is. I'm sure the police are also looking into how she got to school because ...

her drivers license was suspended due to a drunken driving conviction.

Doh! Here's the source.

Dude (Horace Bordelon) robs a bank in California, the same one he robbed 7 years earlier. His defense? As reported in The San Francisco Chronicle:

He robbed the bank only so he could return to the routine of prison life, so he didn't actually intend to steal any money.

Brilliant - but unsuccessful, both at trial, and on appeal. Click here for the source.

So here's what David Aston, married (but not for long) father of two, likes to do in his spare time, as reported by the Oxford Mail:

Oxford Crown Court heard Aston twice stripped naked from the waist downwards, crouched on all fours on a towel in woodland near Bicester and encouraged four girls to kick him in the groin until he could no longer handle the pain.

Said Judge Julian Hall:

This particular fetish is not one I have come across before.

Unfortunately for Mr. Aston, Judge Hall also said:

I found this a bizarre case. The description of predator is not ill-founded and the overwhelming probability is you are going to go to prison.

How could he avoid prison, having also been convicted of engaging in sex acts with one of the minors in the front seat of his car, as the others watched from the back seat? No doubt his fellow inmates will help him satisfy his fetish. Click here for the source.

There is no doubt that a recently arrested 46-year-old Canadian man would be in the book. (His name has not been released.) As reported at canada.com, he was arrested after "an apparent bungled break and enter." His real purpose was soon revealed.

He was carrying a digital video camera and two tapes, which contained 23 instances of alleged voyeurism in the form of women photographed in secret, said Sgt. John Price, police spokesman.

Yes, 23 is a big number, but ...

Later that day, officers searched the man's home and found 16 additional tapes containing as much as 90 hours of footage.

Shazam! 90 hours! The good news:

"He's been collecting material for his own use, it's pretty unusual to see that," said [criminology professor] Beauregard. "You would have thought you would collect such material to sell it to people or distribute it on the Internet... It looks to me like this guy is very into his own fantasies and he's using all this material just to fulfill all his fantasies."

Maybe that's why the neighbors haven't seen him in years ... Here's the link to the story.

No, I wouldn't normally think of them together either. Catherine McCoubrey and her boyfriend did, though. As reported in the Winnipeg Free Press:

... the couple had been drinking alcohol and were engaged in so-called “rough sex” when the boyfriend asked McCoubrey to carve a heart-shaped symbol on to his chest.

One small problem. Instead of cutting a heart into his chest, she actually cut his heart. Although her boyfriend almost died, he made a full recovery. Maybe he shouldn't have introduced her to "body modification?"

Ms. McCoubrey pleaded guilty to assault. How much time did she get? None - just 3 years probation. Hear's the article.

It would appear that Maryland District Court Judge Bruce S. Lamdin had a lot of bad days. The excerpts below are from the opinion released yesterday by the Court of Appeals of Maryland. As stated in the opinion, "... Judge Lamdin expressly admitted that he made each of the comments attributed to him and that those comments violated specific Canons of the Maryland Code of Judicial Conduct..."

As to State v. Crook, #C 00239557, Judge Lamdin, in a case in which defendant entered a guilty plea to possession of paraphernalia and driving without a license, admitted that he made the following comments during the case:

‘Why did you drive so poorly? Smoke a little weed before you got behind the wheel? . . . Smoke a little crack before you got behind the wheel? . . . Well, you’ve got the appropriate last name. . . . All right crack head, Crook. . . . You’ve got your money all tied up in the next shipment that’s coming in? Never mind. . . . My comment was, do you have all your money tied up in product?’

Alrighty. Here's another.

As to State v. McClaughlin, #C 00240823, Judge Lamdin admitted, upon being informed by the Assistant State’s Attorney that the defendant had been asked to remain in the hallway with her baby until her case was called, that he stated:

‘Well, you know, I got in trouble because I told some lady we confiscate cell phones and we put the cell phones in plastic bags and send them down to Annapolis. I suggested maybe we ought to do the same thing with children except poke holes in the bag. She filed a complaint against me for that so that’s why they keep all of the children out of my courtroom now. . . We ordered some plastic bags about five foot tall but they haven’t been — they haven’t come in yet.’

More about kids ...

As to the complaint filed by Ronald Jacobson, Judge Lamdin admitted that during the course of his opening remarks for the afternoon docket, he made the following comment to the audience regarding a woman leaving the courtroom with her baby who was crying:

‘If she only knew how much I hate kids, she would not have brought that kid in here today.’

There's plenty more. Keep reading.

Continue reading "Wo. You Don't Want To Catch This Judge On A Bad Day" »

Certainly it's natural to want to maximize one's real estate investment. But we are still, for the most part, a nation of laws. San Francisco landlords Kip and Nicole Macy apparently didn't care much about the law. They were trying to clear out a 6-unit building they bought in San Francisco. As reported in The San Francisco Chronicle:

When one of the tenants, Scott Morrow, successfully fought eviction, the couple allegedly told workers in September 2006 to cut the beams that supported his apartment's floor. They also shut off Morrow's electricity, cut his phone line and had workers saw a hole in his living room floor from below, prosecutors said. Morrow has since sued the Macys.

That's not all. Two other tenants paid reduced rents because they thought the Macys were charging them more than they were legally allowed to under the city's rent control laws. I think it goes without saying that the Macys did not take kindly to this.

Prosecutors said the Macys broke into the tenants' apartment last June and stole $2,000 in cash, a Gucci watch and a cell phone. The tenants, Erik Hernandez and Jason Lopez, later filed a lawsuit accusing the Macys of first changing the locks on the apartment, then illegally entering their unit and dismantling some of their furniture.

When Hernandez came home and confronted Kip Macy as the landlord was ransacking his apartment, Macy kicked him in the chest, the suit says. Threatening notes then started appearing at the tenants' door, and the water was shut off after the Macys stopped paying the bill, the suit says.

In October, Nicole Macy broke into the apartment and poured ammonia on clothes, bedding and home electronics, prosecutors said.

What became of the Macys? They were "arrested ... and charged with felony stalking, felony residential burglary, conspiracy and other counts ... They posted bail after their arrest." To read more, click here.

I don't think Michael Spillman, Jr., of Mansfield, Ohio, will be stealing anything anytime soon. He was at the home of Jacqueline Champion and Bernard Demuth when they left for a funeral. When they came home, Spillman was gone, and so was $2,200 in gaming equipment. As reported in The Mansfield News-Journal:

"[Ms. Champion] got onto his MySpace page and invited him to a cookout," the detective said. "Their plan was to call the police so we could arrest him."

Hey, plans change.

After leading Spillman to the basement, Demuth reportedly clubbed him in the back of the head with a leather-covered baton, causing his head to split open. Parrella said Spillman required six staples to close the wound. The suspects reportedly beat and kicked Spillman for some time, breaking his arm.

Ouchee! After Spillman confessed, and promised not to disclose the beating, they dumped him at the police station. He confessed to the police - and told them about the beating. Champion and Demuth were arrested and charged with felonious assault and kidnapping.

Daniel Ranallo can tell you, because he did it in Phillipsburg, Pennsylvania, and got busted. As described by Judge Pursel, per The Morning Call:

This is a bizarre case where the defendant was wandering around with a gun looking for someone and firing the gun in a public place.

So what do you get for that? A scolding? Community service? No such luck for 21-year-old Mr. Ranallo. He got oe year in jail. You can read more (just a tiny bit) here.

In a Fairfax County, Virginia Food Lion, a customer and a Food Lion manager got into an argument over the use of certain coupons. It goes without saying that coupon use is a very contentious issue. So perhaps it's not surprising that the manager then knocked over the customer's grocery cart. While leaving the store, the customer was pelted in the back with an egg - thrown by the store manager. Ever loyal, other store employees laughed at the customer, and refused to provide information about how to file a complaint with Food Lion's corporate office.

Perhaps not being satisfied with landing only one egg, the store manager filed criminal trespass charges against the customer. At the criminal trespass trial, since nobody from Food Lion showed, the case was dismissed. The customer then sued Food Lion for malicious prosecution and assault, and was awarded $3,800 in punitive damages, and $1,200 in attorney's fees. Alam v. Food Lion, Inc., Fairfax County General District Court.

Warning: Brushing your teeth will not be the same for a little while after you read this. As reported in the Evening Telegraph, nursing home worker Nina Strange

...dip[ped] a toothbrush into bath water, in which a patient had just defecated, before using it to brush the 75-year-old woman's teeth.

That's just the grossest of the transgressions of which Ms. Strange was convicted. Here are the others:

- hitting an 88-year-old wheelchair-bound woman across the back of the head;

- twice hitting an 81-year-old man around the head; and

- pulling an 81-year-old woman's hair as she put her to bed.

Ms. Strange has been suspended, and is awaiting sentencing. Here's the source.

So maybe it's only a little strange that 65-year-old Tad Gunter is living with his 85-year-old mother, Margery Gunter. Actually, it's really nice if he's taking care of her. What do you think, nice or strange?

Margery Gunter told deputies that her son, Tad Gunter, has been acting weird for the past month, according to an arrest report. She told deputies that her son sits in the living room and fondles himself sexually five times a day in front of her.

Shazam! I guess you could say the day was going along like any other [at least for the past month] until Ms. Gunter messed with her son's routine. She asked him to refill a prescription for her, and he wigged out, throwing a bottle of laundry detergent at her. Then, as reported by the Naples Daily News,

A witness, Ruel Montez, grabbed Margery Gunter, brought her to the kitchen and locked the door. Tad Gunter began yelling and throwing things around the room, reports said.

Mr. Gunter did not take kindly to police intervention.

When a deputy arrived, Tad Gunter told him to leave, put his hand on the deputy’s chest and pushed him, authorities said. During a confrontation, the deputy pushed Tad Gunter to the floor. When he tried to get up while swinging his arms and kicking his legs, the deputy drew his Taser.

Don't tase him, bro!

When Tad Gunter attempted to kick the deputy, the deputy deployed his Taser, striking him with a five-second jolt. During the struggle the deputy gave Gunter two more five-second jolts until one of the Taser’s probes fell out, report said.

When Gunter continued to struggle, the deputy delivered two three-second shocks by placing the Taser against his calf, the Sheriff’s Office reported.

Is this dude shockproof? Nope.

After he was handcuffed Tad Gunter apologized for his behavior.

Um. Er. Uh. Sorry. (Here's the Naples Daily News story.)

In addition to a few previously noted wacky British laws, as reported in The Daily Mirror, here are a few more that are still on the books:

A law enacted by George I states that: "The severest penaltys will be suffered by any commoner who doth permit his animal to have carnal knowledge of a pet of the Royal house."

In York, it is still legal to murder a Scotsman within the city's ancient walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow.

In a law passed in 1837, women are allowed to bite off a man's nose if he kisses her against her will.

A law enacted by Edward VI states that anyone found breaking a boiled egg at the sharp end will be sentenced to 24 hours in the village stocks.

It is illegal to stand within one hundred yards of the reigning monarch when not wearing socks.

A motorist who feels compelled to urinate in public can do so only if he aims for his rear wheel and keeps his right hand on his vehicle.

To read more, click here.

Perhaps that's the reason Tennessee House Republican Leader Jason Mumpower did what he did. As reported in the Nashville Scene:

Tennessee is the only state in nation with a law preventing sex-change recipients from retroactively revising the sex designation on their birth certificates to correspond with their new gender identity. The law makes it difficult for those who have undergone such surgical changes to get driver’s licenses and other documentation, because obtaining such critical documents invariably requires a birth certificate.

So a bunch of Democrats put together a bill to bring Tennessee in line with EVERY OTHER STATE. Mr. Mumpower would have none of this. How did he kill the bill?

Mumpower attached an amendment that would have essentially created a new category of sex.

Really? Go on.

“A birth certificate can be amended with the designation MTF,” Mumpower tells the Scene, “designating male to female, or FTM designating female to male.”

I wonder if he considers himself a "compassionate conservative?" Here's the source (scroll down).

Yes, Christian Haughwout, a 14-year-old student at The Morgan School in Clinton, Connecticut, was suspended for 10 days for ... bringing a camera to school that emits a mild shock! The official reason for the suspension?

"Possession of a dangerous instrument and causing a threat or danger to the physical well-being of himself or other people."

Really? Yes, and on top of that, as reported by The Hartford Courant:

In juvenile court, the boy also faces charges of possession of a dangerous weapon on school grounds, attempted assault and breach of peace.

Suspended and busted! What to do. Christian's parents challenged the suspension via a lawsuit in federal court. The case was settled, with the school letting Christian return, and his parents agreeing to drop the lawsuit. Of course that doesn't dispose of the juvenile court case. Christian is definitely an interesting kid. You can read more (a lot) here.

This is not your garden variety "babe-calling" case. Ms. Aude sued Mr. Mullaney for negligently giving her herpes. (The jury found that he did, but that she was "contributorily negligent.") Mr. Mullaney was represented by Allen Harris (and Benjamin Lipsitz). Ms. Aude was represented by Susan Green and Gary Bernstein.

At Ms. Aude's deposition, "as [she] was leaving the room to retrieve [a] document, Mr. Harris remarked that she was going to meet '[a]nother boyfriend' at the car. Ms. Green and Mr. Bernstein quickly told Mr. Harris that his comment was in poor taste and asked him to refrain from making further derogatory comments. The following ensued:"

MR. MULLANEY: It's going to be a fun trial. [Oh, and he's a lawyer, too. Very professional, no?]
MR. HARRIS: It must have been in poor taste if Miss Green says it was in poor tasted. It must have really been in poor taste.
MS. GREEN: You got a problem with me?
MR. HARRIS: No, I don't have a problem with you, babe. [uh oh]
MS. GREEN: Babe? You called me babe? What generation are you from?
MR. HARRIS: At least I didn't call you a bimbo. [have shovel, will dig]
MR.LIPSITZ: Cut it out.
MS. GREEN: The committee will enjoy hearing about that.
MR. BERNSTEIN: Alan, you ought to stay out of the gutter.

"According to Ms. Green's legal assistant, Harris's reference to Ms. Green as 'babe' continued throughout the litigation. In an affidavit ... she stated that 'in the course of her employment, [Mr. Harris] did telephone Ms. Green's office and ask, 'Is the babe in?' He also referred to [the legal assistant] as 'babe."

Ms. Green then filed a motion asking the Court to put an end to this conduct (and some other defense conduct), and requested attorneys' fees. So what do you think happened?

Continue reading "Male Lawyer Called Female Lawyer What?" »

Actually, "hot" and "warm" revenge didn't work out too well either for David Alan Hawkins, who had the misfortune of trying to develop a condominium project when the Savings and Loan crisis hit in the 1980s. He lost his financing, and the project, with the collapse of Queen City Savings and Loan. And, as reported by the Seattle Times:

To add insult to injury, Hawkins won a $3.5 million jury verdict against the S&L, only to have it stripped from him by a judge over a technicality — a move that outraged the jurors who had awarded him the money, according to court documents and news accounts from the time.

How would Hawkins get even?

For years, Hawkins sought justice, using increasingly confrontational and bizarre tactics that included placing invalid liens on the homes of those he blamed — including bankers, judges and lawyers — and filing so many lawsuits that he was banned from filing documents in King County in 1994.

You know it's bad when you are banned from filing documents with the court, a fate usually reserved for pro se prisoner plaintiffs. Fast forward to the present. Hawkins ratcheted the revenge WAY up, with the help of attorney Harry Skeins Jr. They were "selling" the homes of people involved in Hawkins' misfortune 25 years ago (e.g. Judges, lawyers, a bank executive). Just one problem - they had no interest in the homes! How did they do it?

Hawkins and Skeins set up a fake title-insurance company and convinced lenders that they held legitimate liens on the homes of their victims. An Atlanta lender gave them more than $1.5 million for the sale of homes belonging to a state appeals court judge and a bank executive ...

How did they get busted?

... the men were arrested in 2006 after a judge's wife questioned a real-estate appraiser who showed up at her home one day, according to court documents.

The time? Four years in prison, and about $1.6 million in restitution. Here's the source.

Okay, maybe that sounds just a little insane. But consider this - he was driving! As reported in the Reading Eagle,

Messerly was driving his employer’s minivan on the bypass in West Reading about 3 p.m. April 4 when he climbed out of the driver-side window, stood on the roof and was catapulted into the woods when the van crashed into a guide rail, borough police said.

And that was just the beginning. Mr. Messerly (age 38, of Reading, Pennsylvania) was then seen running - totally naked - along the road. Someone called the cops, and here's what happened:

When they arrived, the officers were confronted by a nude Messerly, who came toward them and ignored orders to stop. Two of the officers used Taser stun guns on Messerly to try to stop him.

Messerly fell to the ground, but got up as the officers approached him. A third officer hit Messerly in the back with a Taser, which briefly stunned him.

Messerly still refused to heed the officers’ orders and started toward them again.

One of the officers sprayed Messerly in the face with pepper spray, another hit him in the back with a baton and another reactivated one of the Tasers.

Messerly still refused to cooperate.

After a second shot of pepper spray to his face, another hit to his back with a baton and a fifth jolt from a Taser, Messerly was taken to the ground and handcuffed.

Unbelievable! The explanation?

... Messerly ... told police he had used crack cocaine the night before the April 4 accident and had not slept since then, according to [Court] documents.

The charges?

... driving under the influence, risking a catastrophe, indecent exposure, resisting arrest, public drunkenness and related offenses.

Here's the source.

So no matter what happens, the lesbians win! Actually, that's not true. The Lesbians might win. What the hell am I talking about? Three Greek women who live on the island of Lesbos filed suit against the Homosexual and Lesbian Community of Greece, per the AP, claiming that its name "insults the identity" of the people of Lesbos.

Please! Even assuming the Lesbians defeat the lesbians, what about the other, um, BILLIONS OF PEOPLE who will still use the word "lesbian" as a synonym for a gay woman? What's next, Lesbos v. Rest of World? Ladies, you can't unring the bell. You can't put the genie back in the bottle. (Help. Any more trite phrases to express this?)