Legal Juice

All of these laws are on the books. Click on the statute and see for yourself.

No tattoos? Yup, no tattoos!

It shall be unlawful for any person to tattoo or offer to tattoo any person. As used herein to "tattoo" means to insert pigment under the surface of the skin of a human being, by pricking with a needle or otherwise, so as to produce a permanent indelible mark or figure visible on the skin. Provided, however, that the provisions hereof shall not apply to any act of a licensed practitioner of the healing arts performed in the course of his practice. §21-841

I'm in trouble with this next one:

Profane swearing consists in any use of the name of God, or Jesus Christ, or the Holy Ghost, either in imprecating divine vengeance upon the utterer, or any other person, or in light, trifling or irreverent speech. §21-904

No "holy shit?" No "damn you to hell?" No "sweet Mary, mother of God?" What about "holy crap?" Not to worry too much, though. The penalty:

Every person guilty of profane swearing is punishable by a fine of One Dollar ($1.00) for each offense. §21-905

Kids, watch your butts because:

... nothing contained in this Act shall prohibit any parent, teacher or other person from using ordinary force as a means of discipline, including but not limited to spanking, switching or paddling. §21-844

Damn, switching or paddling? Well, at least the fraternities have one less thing to worry about.

Again with the duels!

Any person guilty of fighting any duel, although no death or wound ensues, shall be guilty of a felony punishable by imprisonment in the State Penitentiary not exceeding ten (10) years. §21-662

Oh no you didn't just try and serve me with those legal papers on Saturday.

Whoever maliciously procures any process in a civil action to be served on Saturday upon any person who keeps Saturday as holy time, and does not labor on that day, or serves upon him any process returnable on that day, or maliciously procures any civil action to which such person is a party to be adjourned to that day for trial, is guilty of a misdemeanor. §21-912

... walks right out of the courthouse, a free man. This is the same man who is being investigated for e-mailing death threats to President Bush. Michael Dahlquist was in court in New York regarding some threatening letters he sent a woman in 2004. He had pleaded guilty, and served some time, but was in court for violating his probation.

So Judge David Howard had been talking for less than a minute, when, as reported in the Rutland Herald, Mr. Dahlquist interrupted him:

"And the numerous occasions where the court has repeatedly violated my constitutional rights," Dahlquist said.

When Judge Howard warned him that he could be tossed, let's just say Mr. Dahlquist did not take heed:

Go fuck yourself, you piece of shit. You're obligated by law to uphold my legal rights. Fuck you.

And then Judge Howard tossed him from the courtroom.

"While he is obviously very angry at times and believes the court is holding him illegally, that does not prove psychosis. Since two judges have disagreed about his condition and the need for hospitalization and several psychiatrists disagree as to his conditions and needs, it is hard to hold as delusional that the defendant is upset and feels he should be released," Howard wrote.

Judge Howard then determined that Mr. Dahlquist had served all his time. So he left the courthouse a free man, at least for now. Click here to read more (a fair amount).

Barbers Anderson and Banks are opening up a barbershop. While the space was being remodeled, an old, ornate sign was uncovered. As reported in The Argus, the sign reads "J. Barker", "dispensing chemist" and "practical phrenologist," and is carved in ornate gold leaf writing. Since the sign has historical significance,

They were then told by planning officers from the city council they must keep the old sign as it is protected by conservation laws - even though it advertised the wrong kind of business.

So they have this cool old sign, and life is good at Trafalgar Barbers, no? No, it's not.

Last week the barbers received a letter from the Royal Pharmaceutical Society of Great Britain saying it was illegal to advertise themselves as a "dispensing chemists" when they weren't. The letter said it would take further action unless the sign, which contravened the Medicines Act 1968, was taken down.

Only one problem - they paid £500 ($1,000 US) for their sign, and a new "old" sign would cost about £1,000 ($2,000 US)! They don't have it, and they're feeling a bit boxed in. Said Mr. Anderson:

The council has made us break the law. It feels like we are in a nowin situation and it is all a bit bizarre. We never wanted the sign in the first place but were told we had no choice. Now we are being told we have to take it down and pay for another one. We are told we have to preserve the cultural heritage of the area but all the other shops in the area have the signs they want above the door.

Yeah! People, get your shit together and let these guys cut hair! Here's The Argus article.

If your honor has been besmirched, or if someone has 14 items in the "10 items or less" line, and "rock, paper, scissors" just won't do, consider challenging the offender to a duel. If you are in Rhode Island, though, try flipping a coin. DO NOT CHALLENGE YOUR OPPONENT TO A DUEL.

Merely challenging a person to a duel will get you 1-7 years in jail, as will accepting the challenge, whether the duel is fought or not! And don't ask your friend to set it up. That offense is punishable by up to 5 years in jail.

Undeterred, you decide to have the duel anyway, netting you another 1-7 years. Go alone. Anyone who helps you, acts as your second, or comes as your "surgeon," is looking at up to 5 years.

Jail time or not, you will not be denied. So you decide to have the duel in another state. Vengeful? Yes. Stupid? Perhaps. If you have the duel in another state, and injure your equally clever opponent, who then dies in Rhode Island, you have just committed murder! And both seconds are accessories to murder.

True, one guy may be dead. But on the plus side, a score has been settled, and you and the seconds may be off the hook. If you were smart enough to pick a state that does not frown upon dueling (oh, maybe Virginia - one of the 29 states where an ordinary citizen can get a permit to walk around with a concealed handgun) and that state clears you of wrongdoing, you walk baby!

If you are thinking that dueling is outdated, and that you'll just meet your opponent for an old-fashioned, bare-knuckled fight, think again. "Fighting by appointment" is punishable by up to 10 years or $5,000. In Rhode Island anyway, perhaps spontaneity is the best course. In Virginia, North Carolina, Idaho, Ohio, Louisiana, Florida ... where some folks walk around with loaded handguns - perhaps not.

Petaluma, California (and its residents) contributed generously to the wacky and weird happenings this year. As reported in The Argus Courier, here are a few:

In June, a Petaluma man apparently didn’t get the memo about what you can and can’t take in your carry-on luggage — he was stopped at a Salt Lake City airport security checkpoint for having a lighter in his bag. Of course, that prompted security to inspect further, finding a glass pipe they thought was used for smoking crack cocaine (the man politely corrected them that no, it was actually a meth pipe). But that’s not all — investigators pulled his checked luggage out and found sex toys and 46 DVDs of sexual videos, many containing child pornography.

Back in Petaluma that same month, a teen boy made a serious bid for “dumb criminal of the year” when he grabbed an iPod off the belt of a woman holding a baby at 24-Hour Fitness in the Great Petaluma Mill.
The victim — baby in arms — gave chase, but the teen jumped a fence and got away. However, since he had to sign in to get inside the members-only gym, the victim ID’d the perp’s membership photo, and police caught up with him at his home.

This fall, two men parked outside the Ross store at Petaluma Plaza learned that if you’re going to shoplift 100 items of clothing during repeated trips inside a store, it’s not a good idea to draw attention to yourself by changing clothes next to your vehicle in the parking lot.

[In July] another man decided to take advantage of the warm summer sun and strolled leisurely along the railroad tracks near Southpoint Boulevard. Were it not for the fact that he wasn’t wearing any clothes and had reportedly masturbated in front of a woman and her children, police might have let him enjoy the rest of his walk

Posted by John Mesirow | Permalink | Email This Post

Posted In: Wacky

I don't think so. Not like Mr. Sandy Wong, of Edmonton. As reported in the Edmonton Sun, here are a few details of his relationship with a BMW:

Wong was busted for masturbating while sitting on the roof of a 2007 BMW 328i sedan on display at the Home and Garden Show at the Northlands AgriCom.

According to psychiatrist Dr. Curtis Woods, Wong says he is "sexually attracted" to the BMW's rooftop because "it's curved like a woman's body, the sex appeal, it felt good." Court heard Wong also gets aroused by certain classic cars, motorcycles and women with big feet.

Shazam! The time? After pleading guilty to indecent exposure and mischief, he was sentenced to 90 days in jail and 2 years probation.

So you're an attorney with a trial coming up, but are still recovering from back surgery. You want the court to continue the trial. You even have a doctor's note! So you file a "Motion for a Continuance" with one teeny, tiny typo:

Plaintiff moves the court for a continuance of the trial for the reason that counsel for the plaintiff is recovering from dick surgery ...

Now that has got to hurt! Click here - ouch! - to see the Motion and the doctor's note (for the injured disk).

Certainly a Judge must control the courtroom. How a Judge may do this, not surprisingly, is determined by the law. One tool is the power to hold someone in contempt. [Hint: It's a power used, a lot, below.] According to the Supreme Court, if the sentence imposed for contempt is less than 6 months, there is no right to a jury trial. Now, to our man in Maryland.

In 1990, Mr. Johnson was convicted of malicious destruction of personal property, placed on probation, and given a 3-year suspended sentence. He had to stay out of trouble for 3 years. Unfortunately, in 1991 he was convicted of burglary, and sentenced to 10 years. So Mr. Johnson is in jail for a couple years, when he is called to court for violating his 1990 probation - with just 10 days remaining on the 3-year suspended sentence.

Althought the prospect of serving an additional 3 years - on top of the 10 years he was already serving - did not sit well with him, his probation agent told him that the State would not seek to tack on the additional 3 years for violating his probation. WRONG! The Judge added on the 3 years, and a lively, lengthy, colorful conversation ensued. And just when you think it might be over ...

THE COURT: Call the next case please. [PROSECUTOR]: State calls Eugene Wright ...

MR. JOHNSON: -- at the same time. Don't make no motherfucking sense.

THE COURT: Bring him back. Take him back.

MR. JOHNSON: No motherfucking sense.

THE COURT: Pull him back.

MR. JOHNSON: Yo, man, stop yanking on my motherfucking arms. Motherfucking --

THE COURT: Sit him back over there in front of the table. [Uh-oh]

THE CLERK: Give me the file back. He might be under contempt of court.

THE COURT: Now, stand up there. Come back to that table there. Step on up now. What's wrong with you?

MR. JOHNSON: What the fuck you think wrong with me, man? Goddamn, I'm trying to tell you I ain't have no motherfucking option in this shit, man.

THE COURT: All right.

MR. JOHNSON: What the fuck? You think everybody just want to go sit in prison for the rest of their life because you ain't got nothing better to do than to sit up there and crack jokes. This ain't no motherfucking joke, man. This is about my goddamn life.

THE COURT: That cost you five months and twenty-nine days in addition to the three years I've just given you [#1, and suspiciously shy of the 6 months that would require a jury trial]

MR. JOHNSON: Fuck this shit, man.

THE COURT: All right. That's five months and twenty-nine more in addition to the five months and twenty-nine I've given you. [#2]

MR. JOHNSON: Fuck you, bitch.

THE COURT: That's five months and twenty-nine days. That's three years. That's five months and twenty-nine days. Now, wait a minute. That's consecutive to the three years that you're now doing. Each one of those. Separate and independent. [#3]

MR. JOHNSON: If I had a gun, your motherfucking head would be splattered all over the back of the goddamn wall for --

THE COURT: And you'd better shoot straight when you try. When you get out, come on. Five months and twenty-nine more for that. That's consecutive to the three others and consecutive to the one that you're doing now. [#4]

MR. JOHNSON: Whatever man. You're tired of giving it out? Did you finish or what?

THE COURT: Well, we can see. That's five months and twenty-nine more. [#5]

MR. JOHNSON: Kiss my ass again.

THE COURT: Five months and twenty-nine more. [#6]

MR. JOHNSON: Kiss my ass until you're tired of giving me another.

THE COURT: That's six of them.

MR. JOHNSON: Kiss my ass again.

THE COURT: Seven. Five months and twenty-nine days. [#7]

MR. JOHNSON: Fuck you. Kiss my ass again.

THE COURT: Five months and twenty-nine days. [#8]

MR. JOHNSON: All right.

THE COURT: Consecutive.

THE CLERK: Silence.

MR. JOHNSON: So you finished giving out time?

THE COURT: I guess. Until you cuss again.

MR. JOHNSON: Suck my dick. [Very tricky, because "dick" isn't a cuss word.]

THE COURT: Five months and twenty-nine days consecutive. [#9] [Damn!]

THE BAILIFF: Quiet in the Court.

MR. JOHNSON: You finished?

THE COURT: I suppose.

MR. JOHNSON: Well, what the fuck are you holding me for then?

THE COURT: Five months and twenty-nine more days. Consecutive. [#10]

MR. JOHNSON: Get the fuck off me, man.

THE COURT: Call the next one.

Not thrilled with the prospect of finishing his 10-year sentence, then 3 more years for the probation violation, then just under 5 MORE YEARS for contempt of court, Mr. Johnson appealed. Who do you think won? Mr. Johnson did. The Maryland Court of Special Appeals reversed the contempt convictions.

In the instant case, the trial judge, by engaging in a prolonged dialogue with the appellant,may have provoked the appellant into repeatedly committing acts of contempt. Convictions for those acts may not stand.

The Court of Special Appeals held that the entire incident described above be considered as only one episode of contempt, and sent the matter back to the trial judge on that one count of contempt, with the not-so-subtle hint that they "leave it to his judgment what further action should be taken." Johnson v. State, 642 A.2d 259 (Md. Ct. Spec. App. 1994).

Dr. Jean-Gilles Blain, a 72-year-old neurologist, will not be accused of being oversensitive. When a patient came to him for an EMG, complaining of numbness in her arm, here's what he said, as reported on Canada.com:

He called her "fat" several times, told her she ate too much and said her problems were all in her head.

Blain later stuck his hand between her thighs, saying: "How can such a beautiful girl like you be such a fat balloon?" the patient recalled.

The doctor also fell asleep during the consultation and snored, she testified.

Such compassion. What did the Quebec College of Physicians do to Dr. Blain when the patient filed a complaint? No doctoring for 12 months. If that seems a little harsh, it's likely because Dr. Feelgood was disciplined in 2001, and got remedial training, and was disciplined again in 2003, and got remedial training. To read more (just a little), click here.

(For the uninitiated, that's from Animal House.) I have no idea if Christopher Kelly is fat or stupid. I do know that on a recent night, he was incredibly drunk. Here are some highlights of his bender, as reported in This Is Lancashire:

When the story of Christopher Kelly's escapes were told to magistrates, a probation service officer had to leave the court in fits of laughter.

The court heard that Kelly, 31, of Railway Street, Nelson, had got extremely drunk on lager and vodka during a night out in Morecambe.

Kelly lost his friends, who were celebrating a friend's birthday and were also drunk, and wandered onto the beach where he got stuck in boggy sand and lost his shoes, trousers and jacket.[Really? He lost his pants in a sand bog? Hmmm.]

Cold and wet, he staggered across the road to Morecambe Town Hall where, seeing a window open, he climbed inside. There he went in various rooms, took a camera and a mobile phone which he tried to use to call his friends.

Then he soiled his underwear which he threw into a black bin bag. [Personally, I would have left that little detail out.]

He found a 'Grim Reaper' fancy dress outfit and put this on before leaving the town hall and wandering down Lord Street towards Poulton Square where he eventually arrived at the police station which was, at that time, unmanned. He stood there for three hours, still in the Grim Reaper gear, until police arrived.

Mr. Kelly admitted the crime. [This may have been made easier since some of it was recorded on CCTV.] The time? A six-month conditional discharge and payment of prosecution costs.

This crew makes the Montana Board of Barbers and Cosmetologists look great! I'm talking about the Florida Department of Business and Professional Regulation. As reported in The Ledger:

It began in 2005, when Sydney Bacchus, who holds a master's degree in biology from Florida State University, spoke at a public hearing on behalf of opponents of a proposed sand-mining operation in Putnam County.

You see the problem, right? Of course you don't! But those pointy-headed bureacrats did.

Soon after the appearance, Bacchus received a "cease and desist" order from the Florida Department of Business and Professional Regulation. Bacchus, the department claimed, was practicing geology without a license.

Would it surprise you to know that the complainant is a genuine state-licensed geologist (and supporter of the sand mine)? I didn't think so.

Then those geniuses on the Board tried to fine Ms. Bacchus up to $5,000, and have her reprimanded. So she sued the Board, and they caved, dropping the case against her. What do you think the Judge said when the Board asked that her suit [against the Board] be thrown out? Nope. Now the Board has offered her $100,000 to settle the case! To read more, click here.

Former Texas Justice of the Peace Thurman Bartie is running for Jefferson County Commissioner. Why "former" JP? Because he was kicked off the bench. Okay, he resigned, then he was removed. According to the Texas Judicial Conduct Commission, among other things, Bartie "punched a juvenile in the chest, and hit another juvenile on the head with his knuckles." Also, "on at least one occasion, [Bartie] brought juvenile twin brothers into his chambers and engaged in corporal punishment." There's much more. As reported in The Southeast Texas Record:

Bartie also had magistrate duties at the Jefferson County Correctional Facility and, according to the Tribunal Order, on several occasions told the inmates that he was planning to have sex with their wives while they were incarcerated.

In another incident referred to by the Tribunal, Bartie tried to intervene in a Port Arthur police investigation after his brother-in-law was stopped for driving while intoxicated. Records submitted to the Tribunal showed that Bartie asked officers to let him drive his brother-in-law's vehicle away, but changed his mind when the officers found crack cocaine in the vehicle. [Nevermind!] Bartie ordered that his brother-in-law be released on a personal recognizance bond, which he himself later signed.

When a local reporter attempted to investigate the allegations that Bartie was abusive to litigants, the JP had the reporter removed from court, used obscene language and called the reporter a racist.

The Review Tribunal stated that records presented to them indicated that while on the bench Bartie threatened to hit juveniles on the head with his gavel ... He also removed his belt and encouraged parents to whip or beat their children with the belt.

Just how offensive was Bartie's language? I don't know!

Justice Catherine Stone, who wrote for the Tribunal, found the language so offensive that it was omitted from the opinion and added that Bartie, "while sitting in his judicial capacity, used some of the most vulgar and offensive language imaginable."

"The nature and frequency of the extremely obscene language employed by respondent are, standing alone, sufficient to warrant his removal from office and the prohibition from holding judicial office in the future," Stone wrote.

To read the entire opinion of the Texas State Commission on Judicial Conduct, click here. You can read the Southeast Texas Record article here.

And the tattoo says "Hot Rod." That HAD to hurt! The patient was undergoing surgery, and was sedated when the surgeon took the photo. Seems the doc showed it around (so he's not a brain surgeon - ba-da-bing), and someone made an anonymous call to the press. Snap!

So you're a doctor, and you're convicted of sexual assault and drug trafficking. You automatically lose your license, right? Nope. Dr. Sean Buckingham, of Canada, was so convicted, and still has his license! What did he do? Per the National Post:

Nearly two dozen witnesses testified during the trial, including a number of complainants who alleged Dr. Sean Buckingham sexually assaulted them.

One woman testified Buckingham, 47, tied her to a tree, beat her with a branch and sodomized her. Another said he asked her for oral sex while her seven-month old daughter was on her lap. A witness also said Buckingham agreed to write her a prescription for painkillers, but only if he could have half.

Throughout the seven-week trial, witnesses told the court the incidents happened in Buckingham's office, his home and his vehicle, sometimes after he picked them up at Narcotics Anonymous meetings.

At the time of his arrest two years ago, Buckingham was under police surveillance "from dawn to dusk." Police recorded more than 3,000 phone calls during which the doctor occasionally spoke to people about "candy bars" and "cigarettes."

The Crown said the items were code for drugs, in particular the highly addictive drug OxyContin, known as "hillbilly heroin."

Damn! A bona fide predator with an MD. So he was convicted - now what? Per The Aurora:

The Newfoundland and Labrador College of Physicians and Surgeons have the power to revoke or suspend his medical licence, but they need to 'investigate' first. They acknowledged his conviction but as an 'allegation against Buckingham'.

Wow, is there any such thing as automatic anymore? Seriously, who would even trust a doctor of his record with an ingrown toenail after all this?

What the hell is going on up there? To read more, click here and here.

That would be Steven Saleh's Washington, DC apartment. Via Craigslist, Mr. Conklin came down from New York to crash there. Two days later, he was lying dead on Mr. Saleh's living room floor. The cause? Acute intoxication - a mixture of alcohol and oxy.

Several days later, per The Washington Post, Dean Johnson arrived from New York to comfort Mr. Saleh. The next day, Johnson died in Saleh's apartment of ... acute intoxication. Per the Post:

As for Johnson, the office said, the tests showed that his fatal intoxication was caused by a combination of oxycodone and four other prescription drugs: clonazepam, an anti-anxiety medication with the brand name Klonopin; amitriptyline, an antidepressant sold as Elavil; ramelteon, a sleep aid marketed as Rozerem; and tramadol, a painkiller sold as Ultram.

What have the authorities concluded? No evidence of wrongdoing by Saleh. And his life's not going so well, either. He suffers from a disabling illness that causes chronic pain and fatigue. You can read more here.

A police car! A MARKED police car! Said the owner of the towing company, Gary Coe, "I think he just lost it." Gresham, Oregon police officer Tom Pohlman was resonding to an assault-in-progress at 2:20 a.m. When he was told over the radio that "They're towing you're car," Pohlman said "#@!&* + !&%*^#!" Actually, he said "You can't print my response." [Note to Officer Pohlman: This ain't The Oregonian. Contact the Juice. We will print your response, unedited.]

Why would tow truck driver Steven Syverson, who had 8 months on the job without incident, try to tow a police car? Because the car was parked in a fire zone. Guess what? The police can do this. What happened to Syverson? Lots of bad stuff. As reported in The Oregonian, he was fired AND "arrested on accusations of car theft, obstructing governmental administration, interfering with a peace officer, and third-degree criminal mischief."

So where does this rate on the weirdness scale? Per Officer Pohlman:

"I've been around cops and done this stuff since 1974," says Pohlman, who, at 55, is eligible to retire. "And this is in the top five or six things that I can say I've ever seen people do. And I've seen some pretty weird things."

Posted by John Mesirow | Permalink | Email This Post

Posted In: Oops

Talk about weird laws. In the state of Utah - I shit you not - it is illegal to have a keg party! Section 32A-12-206 - Unlawful sale or supply of beer - provides as follows:

(1) A person may not sell, offer to sell, or otherwise furnish or supply beer to the general public in containers larger than two liters. This does not preclude licensed beer wholesalers from selling, offering to sell, or otherwise furnishing or supplying beer in containers larger than two liters to beer retailers authorized by this title to dispense beer on draft for consumption on the beer retailer's licensed premises.

(2) A person may not purchase or possess beer in containers larger than two liters unless the person is a beer retailer authorized by this title to dispense beer on draft for consumption on the beer retailer's licensed premises.

Two liters! That's exactly 67.6280451 ounces - less than a six-pack-worth of beer! People, rise up!

So this dude, Omid Tahvili (per the Globe and Mail, "a top member of a Persian gang in the Lower Mainland that supplied drugs to Toronto"), was the number two flight risk in all of British Columbia. He was being held in the wing of a high-tech prison with 60 other inmates. Guess how many guards were on duty when Tahvili escaped? ONE! With major issues, too! He's been charged with aiding Mr. Tahvili's escape.

Where is Mr. Tahvili? Nobody knows, though he does call his lawyer occasionally. He's willing to turn himself in on one condition - that his sentence is time served! What does his lawyer think about the chances of him returning?

I have no doubt whatsoever that Mr. Tahvili has absconded ... and has no intention of returning for his sentencing hearing.

Regardless, he will be sentenced, in absentia, for his convictions on charges of kidnapping, assault with a weapon, and sexual assault. To read more, click here.

Melissa Franklin has been cutting hair for 16 years. She trained under 3 master barbers. She's been cutting hair in Whitefish, Montana for almost 10 years. There's only one problem - she's a licensed "cosmetologist," not a licensed "barber." Nobody in town cares. The Montana Board of Barbers and Cosmetologists does, though.

When an inspector told Ms. Franklin that she couldn't display a red, white and blue barbershop pole because she wasn't a barber, she took his advice and removed the blue stripe. The end, right? Not even close. The inspector returned a year later - with his camera - and brought the evidence to his bosses. As reported in The Missoulian, the Board then sent Ms. Franklin a letter telling her:

Get rid of that pole. And not just that pole out front. The painted pole on the window, too. And the little antique wooden pole on the wall that advertises shave and a haircut 5 cents, tooth pulling 2 cents. And the plastic spray bottles, whose cylindrical bodies are colored to look like poles.

Anything short of that would constitute “unprofessional conduct,” and Franklin could be fined, could even lose her license.

[See why I put this in the "Get A Life!" category?] Ever reasonable, the 16-year "barber" offered to take the state barber's test. Nope, said the Board. You'll have to attend the 150-hour barber school! Fortunately for Ms. Franklin, State Senator Verdell Jackson has taken up the cause, and says he won't stop until that 3-color pole is back up in front of the Clip Joint. You can read more (a fair amount) here.

[Remove the "Liar" graphic? Let me know with the "Contact Us" box at the top of the page.]

15-year-old Eric Crespo was charged with attempted murder and illegal possession of a gun. On the night of his arrest, he was interrogated by Detective Perino for over an hour. In court, though, Perino sang a different tune. As reported in The Village Voice:

Under cross-examination by Crespo’s attorney, Mark DeMarco, Perino denied 11 more times that he had any conversations with Crespo after he was in custody.

“I never interrogated your client, sir,” Perino told DeMarco.

Turns out that was 12 outright lies!

After questioning Perino, DeMarco turned over the MP3 recording to the prosecutor prompting the district attorney’s office to drop the most serious charge of attempted murder. Crespo eventually pleaded guilty to illegal possession of a gun.

Doh! And it was quite an interrogation, too. Check out this morsel from Detective Perino:

DET PERINO: NOW EVEN IF I WENT TO A COURT OF LAW…THEY’RE
GONNA FUCKING ACCUSE ME OF TRICKING YOU, THEY’RE GONNA ACCUSE ME OF FUCKING PUTTING WORDS IN YOUR MOUTH. THEY ALWAYS DO THAT TO THE DETECTIVES. I’M THE BIGGEST FUCKING LIAR IN THE WORLD WHEN THEY BRING ME INTO THE COURT.

At least he was telling the truth then. You can read a huge chunk of the recorded interrogation in The Village Voice piece.

Judge John P. Wulle, of the Clark County, Washington Superior Court, was attending a conference entitled "Planning Your Juvenile Drug Court in Los Angeles in July 2006. I know, skip the details - get to the dirt. Here's some of what he said, as set forth in the "Stipulation" entered into by the Judge and the Commission on Judicial Conduct:

During a breakout session, the team's facilitator wrote a star on an assignment the team completed and said jokingly, "Clark County gets a star." Respondent [Judge Wulle] replied, "I don't need a star, I'm not a Jew."

Later in the week, during a break in the conference, other faculty members asked [Judge Wulle] who Clark County's facilitator was, and he answered, "the black gay guy."

A team member asked [Judge Wulle] to lower his voice ... and he acknowledged the request by raising his middle finger at the team member.

During a breakout session ... [Judge Wulle] became frustrated with the pace or direction of discussion, and announced it was time for the group to move on to the next topic. A fellow team member spoke up, "No Judge, this is important, we need to work through this," or words to that effect. In response to this seemingly respectful entreaty, [Judge Wulle] angrily yelled, "F_ _ _ you" and threw his pen down on a table and left the room. [Regular Juice readers know that I don't delete expletives. The Commission does, though.]

Zoinks! Maybe it's me, but it seems like Judge Wulle wasn't real pleased about attending the conference. If you want to read the full "Stipulation, Agreement and Order of Censure," click here.

Since the entry before and after this (come back tomorrow!) involve "the bird" ...

I don't think there's any doubt that Anthony Vakeva's bird-flipping days are over. In January 2005, Mr. Vakeva flipped off Mr. Blackwell at a red light. I'm guessing he would have thought twice about doing so had he known that Blackwell was a TRAINED AMATEUR BOXER (with a very short fuse.) It didn't end when Blackwell sucker-punched Vakeva and kicked him in the head many times. After he was arrested and released on bail, Blackwell went and shot Vakeva! He was just sentenced to .... 8 years. You can read more here.

How's that? In 1988, Rhode Islander Paul Greider cracked Michael Trainor's skull. As a result, Trainor suffered permanent hearing loss. Although Greider escaped jail time (he got probation), in the civil suit, he was ordered to pay Trainor $1.5 million. The court ordered him to pay $400/month, which he hasn't been doing. He now owes almost $5 million! So the judge gave Greider a chance to catch up, ordering him to pay $3,000 to Trainor within 60 days (and $1,000 to his lawyer). Think he did it? Nope. 30 days in the hole, said the judge. Said Trainor's lawyer:

He got away without jail for the crime, but now he’s going to jail because he won’t pay the civil judgment imposed as a result of his crime. That’s a bizarre individual.

Tru dat. You can read more in The Providence Journal article here.

Leave the poor boy alone! Grant Stranaghan, age 15, of Ulster, Northern Ireland, dared to attend school with his hair 2 inches below his collar. Gasp! Hair must not be below the collar (of course, this just applies to boys), so Grant was suspended for 3 days. Since returning on November 26, he has been kept apart from his classmates, even during breaktime. That's 2 weeks of solitary. His pop is taking the case to the High Court. Click here to see a picture of Grant, and here to read more about the hair affair.

Incredible. Check out the article here.

(If you have seen this entry before, SORRY! The site gets a lot of new visitors.) The American Bar Association selected Legal Juice as one of the 100 best websites by lawyers, for lawyers (though Legal Juice is really for regular folks, which obviously excludes most lawyers.) If you want to vote for Legal Juice (in other words, PLEASE VOTE FOR LEGAL JUICE), click on the link below, scroll down 7 blawgs, and vote! (The shameless plugging does take its toll. Make my whoring worthwhile.)

If you're a neighbor of 15-year-old Ryan Bowen, you could always move. (One poor family did.) So what do you have to do to get the court to issue an ASBO (Anti-Social Behavior Order) against you? And to take the unusual step of naming you? (The ASBO imposes a curfew, prevents Ryan from associating with certain people, and imposes other restrictions on his behavior.) As reported in The Herald Express, here are some of the allegations the court heard before imposing the ASBO:

Police legal adviser Mr Quinn told the court that Ryan was a 'complete thug - and that's putting it mildly'. He added: "He may not yet be 16 years, but in his short life he has terrorised the people of Teignmouth and the surrounding area. He seems to have no redeeming features.

He targeted vulnerable neighbours, subjecting them to obscene and racial abuse, threatening their children and attacking their cars and homes.

Ryan went to one woman neighbour's workplace and subjected her to an abusive attack there.

Ryan fired a BB gun at people, pushed used condoms through their doors, walked over their cars, and jumped up and down on them.

One family had finally moved because they could no longer take the abuse and intimidation meted out by Ryan and his friends - only to be subjected to more abuse when they ran into the teenager in a Tesco store. "He was not satisfied to drive them out of their home. He still approached them and abused them," said PC Colley.

Ryan would ride a mini motorbike around the area until 11.30pm and midnight - kicking out at parked cars as he went.

Hoochiemama. It's no wonder that "Devon and Cornwall Police's legal adviser Peter Quinn told magistrates ...: 'Police and the authorities have become increasingly aware of what a force for evil this boy is.'" Click here to read the entire Herald Express article.

Perhaps Illinois attorney Marvin Gerstein will now keep his temper in check ... and trim his bushes. As stated by the Supreme Court of Illinois:

On or about June 15, 2005, Respondent [Mr. Gerstein] received a Notice of Public Nuisance signed by Jason Arrasmith, an Environmental Control Officer for the City’s Public Works Department. The notice stated, in part, that the City had inspected Respondent’s property and found that the bushes and vegetation growing in the parkway in front of Respondent’s house were a nuisance because they created a visibility hazard for drivers entering and exiting driveways near Respondent’s house. The notice directed Respondent to abate the nuisance by cutting the vegetation to a maximum height of 24 inches by June 23, 2005.

You already know he didn't do it. On July 5, 2005, Mr. Gerstein met with City Attorney Jack Waaler and agreed to wack the weeds by July 12th, and that Mr. Arrasmith "had sole discretion to determine whether his yard was in compliance with the agreement." Come July 12th, think Mr. Gerstein complied? Nope. So the City sent a contractor to do it. Gerstein was not pleased. Here's the letter he sent to Jason Arrasmith that same day:

Jason:

I hate your fucking existence. What you did to my property was a vicious attack against the sumac cover planted by Irene Poulsen.

Your existence obviously is predicated upon a pair of pig fucking parents otherwise I can’t otherwise explain that you are the by product of the sow factor of birth. Too bad your abortion of a birth wasn’t successful.

So know this you scum piece of a cunt. I pray every time I pass the front portion of my property that the rest of your life is a living hell. I damn you in the name of my God you piece of human dog shit.

Marvin

Ouch! But Mr. Gerstein was not done. Guess what set him off next? The invoice for the yard work! Gerstein's letter to Mr. Arrasmith is long, but here are a few highlights:

Okay Creep ... you can take your Nuisance Abatement invoice and shove it up your anus... On another note, I want to know when I can expect the complaints provided to you in my letter of July 14, 2005 to be addressed. Because I am telling you right now boy, you living abortion, too bad your mother didn’t flush you down the toilet when you were born, I knew this did not happen to [City Attorney] Jack Waaler because his head is too big, and obviously he is the product of some other aberration ...

The punishment? It should be noted that Mr. Gerstein "has been disciplined on three previous occasions for conduct that includes sending profane and insulting letters to attorneys and others involved in cases he was handling for clients." His law license was suspended for 60 days. The Juice learned of this story from a News-Gazette article by Kate Clements. You can read the entire Consent Petition to Impose Discipline here.

Would I make this stuff up? (It would save a lot of time.) But no, it's true. A summons was issued by an Italian court for Signor Topolino (Mickey Mouse) and Signor Paperino (Donald Duck), who "are kindly instructed to appear before the Naples Tribunal on December 7." How could this happen?

In what the newspaper [Corriere della Sera] describes as a "bizarre" bureaucratic blunder, the Disney cartoon characters have been named as witnesses in the trial of a Chinese man accused of peddling counterfeit toys and decals bearing the images of the pair.

Corriere dell Sera, Italy's most respected newspaper, denounced the error as emblematic of Italy's justice system where delays - which it says are caused by lack of proper staffing and other resources - often result in cases being dismissed on technicalities.

Viva Italia! Here's the Earthtimes story that brought this to my attention.

Straight from the ABA's "Sample Press Release" - "Editors of the ABA Journal today announced they have selected [blawg name] as one of the top 100 best websites by lawyers, for lawyers." If you want to vote for Legal Juice, click on the link below, scroll down 7 blawgs, and vote!

Here are some highlights (from Barrie Segal’s book "The Parking Ticket Awards"):

Disabled driver Peter Stapleton was given a fine after stopping to re-attach his artificial leg which had fallen off while driving. After he refused to pay the fine the ticket’s cost spiralled to £465.

Truck driver Michael Collins was given a parking ticket after a burst water main had caused the road to collapse, leaving his 17-tonne truck stranded.

Nicky Clegg was driving with her 82-year-old mother and 11-year-son when a tree fell and crushed the front of the car. They all escaped without serious injury but when Ms Clegg returned to the mangled wreck the following day she found she had been issued with a parking ticket.

Robert McFarland’s horse was given a parking ticket under the heading, “Vehicle Description: Brown Horse”.

In July 2005, Dennis Williams was convicted at Carmarthen Magistrates’ Court for littering after throwing his parking ticket on the floor just as a street warden was walking past on litter patrol. The warden then promptly booked him for littering.

A Brooklyn priest was given a ticket after rushing to park outside a hospital to administer the last rites to a dying woman.

Similarly, David Holmes got a parking ticket outside a hospital when he drove himself there after having a heart attack.

A warden gave a ticket to the Dundee Utd disabled fans’ coach for parking outside the ground.

A young mother was given a ticket after pulling over because her three-year-old son was choking. Instead of helping her, a passing traffic warden just gave her a ticket. [Cold!]

Last year a parking attendant at a hotel car park was found to be charging people using the car park for the Snowdon Mountain Railway £4 if they spoke in English but only £2 if they spoke Welsh.

Funeral directors McKenzie and Millar were amazed to find their hearse given a £60 parking ticket by Edinburgh City Council as they waited to load a coffin into their vehicle.

A motorist who received a ticket in an NCP car park, despite returning to her car an hour early, was told the attendant had fined her because he had “reasonable cause to think she would stay longer than the four hours for which she had paid”.

Crazy. Here's the article, which has just a few more.

Lawyer (and doctor) Lawrence Dry took on a medical malpractice case. This was a case that he had reviewed and rejected just a month before. Only this time, not recognizing it as that case, he agreed to take it on. Big, big mistake. Here's where it gets a little crazy. When a lawyer blows a sure winner, he gets sued for malpractice (rare). Or, when a lawyer brings a clearly frivolous case (which is also very rare, despite the propaganda to the contrary), the lawyer has to pay the other side's costs - if a court so rules.

Now try and imagine a situation where the lawyer gets nailed for losing a clear winner, and for bringing a frivolous case. Yeah, makes your brain hurt, but it happened to Mr. Dry. Seems he filed suit without having an expert to back up his theory (WHICH WAS THE WRONG THEORY, INVOLVING THE WRONG DOCTOR). He later dismissed the case voluntarily. This didn't sit well with his client. Nor did it sit well with the doctor, who had been defending himself for 2 years. So they both sued Dry and ... won! How? Dry apparently had a solid case for the blindness he suffered due to the surgery - but against a different doctor (the anesthesiologist, not the surgeon Dry sued). And the surgeon who was sued had a case against Dry because Dry never produced an expert supporting his theory that the surgeon was responsible for the client's blindness. The surgeon recovered $80,000 from Dry, while the former client recovered $750,000 from him.

You live in Georgia, and you Lose a City Council election (the right to be in the run-off, actually) to a transgender candidate. Naturally (if you're Georgia Fuller, anyway), you sue for fraud. One small problem, Loser lady, City Coucil Member Michelle Bruce IS AN INCUMBENT. Doh! This doesn't stop Fuller from arguing that, as she calls him, "Michael Bruce," has an unfair advantage running as a woman! We're talking about a town of 12,000 people, which Michelle has been serving for 4 years! Said Michelle:

I'm Michelle. I'm the same Michelle they elected four years ago. They're just distracting the voters from the issues. Everybody in my district knows me, everyone in Riverdale knows me. I've done a real good job representing the people. I am for the people.

Because I think Fuller's lawsuit is one of the most idiotic I've ever seen (considering how many cases I review daily for this blog, that's saying something), Bruce get's the last word: "People want a candidate that will listen to them, protect them, save them money and be there for them. And I always will be." Move on, Ms. Fuller. Move on. Here's the story from PrideSource.

Apparently so, according to witnesses and cell phone videos from a Fishkill, New York concert. As reported by MTV news:

During the show, which took place on June 3 and was caught on fans' cell phone cameras, Akon allegedly threw a 15-year-old fan into the crowd. According to the Journal, a small object sailed by Akon's shoulder as he was about to start performing a song onstage, which prompted him to say, "Oh, wait a minute. What was that?" He then urged the crowd to "point him out, point him out. Who is he?"

Audience members identified the alleged culprit, after which a security guard asked Akon if he wanted the boy brought onstage. Akon responded, "So go get him. Bring him out to me."

As the fan was brought to the stage, Akon removed his shirt and chain and then grabbed the boy, tossed him over his shoulder and threw him into the crowd, saying, "Now we can start the show, y'all ready." A moment later, Akon looked down at the crowd and said, "He's OK, he's all right," then shortly later chastised the audience for a perceived lack of support. "See, now you got me feeling by myself," he said in the cell phone video footage. "I thought I had fans and support." According to TMZ.com, after the child was thrown, he fell on another teen who later said she had been diagnosed with a concussion.

The latest? Word is that Akon will be arraigned on Monday. Click here to read the MTV piece.