Legal Juice

All of these laws are on the books. Click on the statute and see for yourself.

No tattoos? Yup, no tattoos!

It shall be unlawful for any person to tattoo or offer to tattoo any person. As used herein to "tattoo" means to insert pigment under the surface of the skin of a human being, by pricking with a needle or otherwise, so as to produce a permanent indelible mark or figure visible on the skin. Provided, however, that the provisions hereof shall not apply to any act of a licensed practitioner of the healing arts performed in the course of his practice. §21-841

I'm in trouble with this next one:

Profane swearing consists in any use of the name of God, or Jesus Christ, or the Holy Ghost, either in imprecating divine vengeance upon the utterer, or any other person, or in light, trifling or irreverent speech. §21-904

No "holy shit?" No "damn you to hell?" No "sweet Mary, mother of God?" What about "holy crap?" Not to worry too much, though. The penalty:

Every person guilty of profane swearing is punishable by a fine of One Dollar ($1.00) for each offense. §21-905

Kids, watch your butts because:

... nothing contained in this Act shall prohibit any parent, teacher or other person from using ordinary force as a means of discipline, including but not limited to spanking, switching or paddling. §21-844

Damn, switching or paddling? Well, at least the fraternities have one less thing to worry about.

Again with the duels!

Any person guilty of fighting any duel, although no death or wound ensues, shall be guilty of a felony punishable by imprisonment in the State Penitentiary not exceeding ten (10) years. §21-662

Oh no you didn't just try and serve me with those legal papers on Saturday.

Whoever maliciously procures any process in a civil action to be served on Saturday upon any person who keeps Saturday as holy time, and does not labor on that day, or serves upon him any process returnable on that day, or maliciously procures any civil action to which such person is a party to be adjourned to that day for trial, is guilty of a misdemeanor. §21-912

... walks right out of the courthouse, a free man. This is the same man who is being investigated for e-mailing death threats to President Bush. Michael Dahlquist was in court in New York regarding some threatening letters he sent a woman in 2004. He had pleaded guilty, and served some time, but was in court for violating his probation.

So Judge David Howard had been talking for less than a minute, when, as reported in the Rutland Herald, Mr. Dahlquist interrupted him:

"And the numerous occasions where the court has repeatedly violated my constitutional rights," Dahlquist said.

When Judge Howard warned him that he could be tossed, let's just say Mr. Dahlquist did not take heed:

Go fuck yourself, you piece of shit. You're obligated by law to uphold my legal rights. Fuck you.

And then Judge Howard tossed him from the courtroom.

"While he is obviously very angry at times and believes the court is holding him illegally, that does not prove psychosis. Since two judges have disagreed about his condition and the need for hospitalization and several psychiatrists disagree as to his conditions and needs, it is hard to hold as delusional that the defendant is upset and feels he should be released," Howard wrote.

Judge Howard then determined that Mr. Dahlquist had served all his time. So he left the courthouse a free man, at least for now. Click here to read more (a fair amount).

Barbers Anderson and Banks are opening up a barbershop. While the space was being remodeled, an old, ornate sign was uncovered. As reported in The Argus, the sign reads "J. Barker", "dispensing chemist" and "practical phrenologist," and is carved in ornate gold leaf writing. Since the sign has historical significance,

They were then told by planning officers from the city council they must keep the old sign as it is protected by conservation laws - even though it advertised the wrong kind of business.

So they have this cool old sign, and life is good at Trafalgar Barbers, no? No, it's not.

Last week the barbers received a letter from the Royal Pharmaceutical Society of Great Britain saying it was illegal to advertise themselves as a "dispensing chemists" when they weren't. The letter said it would take further action unless the sign, which contravened the Medicines Act 1968, was taken down.

Only one problem - they paid £500 ($1,000 US) for their sign, and a new "old" sign would cost about £1,000 ($2,000 US)! They don't have it, and they're feeling a bit boxed in. Said Mr. Anderson:

The council has made us break the law. It feels like we are in a nowin situation and it is all a bit bizarre. We never wanted the sign in the first place but were told we had no choice. Now we are being told we have to take it down and pay for another one. We are told we have to preserve the cultural heritage of the area but all the other shops in the area have the signs they want above the door.

Yeah! People, get your shit together and let these guys cut hair! Here's The Argus article.

If your honor has been besmirched, or if someone has 14 items in the "10 items or less" line, and "rock, paper, scissors" just won't do, consider challenging the offender to a duel. If you are in Rhode Island, though, try flipping a coin. DO NOT CHALLENGE YOUR OPPONENT TO A DUEL.

Merely challenging a person to a duel will get you 1-7 years in jail, as will accepting the challenge, whether the duel is fought or not! And don't ask your friend to set it up. That offense is punishable by up to 5 years in jail.

Undeterred, you decide to have the duel anyway, netting you another 1-7 years. Go alone. Anyone who helps you, acts as your second, or comes as your "surgeon," is looking at up to 5 years.

Jail time or not, you will not be denied. So you decide to have the duel in another state. Vengeful? Yes. Stupid? Perhaps. If you have the duel in another state, and injure your equally clever opponent, who then dies in Rhode Island, you have just committed murder! And both seconds are accessories to murder.

True, one guy may be dead. But on the plus side, a score has been settled, and you and the seconds may be off the hook. If you were smart enough to pick a state that does not frown upon dueling (oh, maybe Virginia - one of the 29 states where an ordinary citizen can get a permit to walk around with a concealed handgun) and that state clears you of wrongdoing, you walk baby!

If you are thinking that dueling is outdated, and that you'll just meet your opponent for an old-fashioned, bare-knuckled fight, think again. "Fighting by appointment" is punishable by up to 10 years or $5,000. In Rhode Island anyway, perhaps spontaneity is the best course. In Virginia, North Carolina, Idaho, Ohio, Louisiana, Florida ... where some folks walk around with loaded handguns - perhaps not.

Petaluma, California (and its residents) contributed generously to the wacky and weird happenings this year. As reported in The Argus Courier, here are a few:

In June, a Petaluma man apparently didn’t get the memo about what you can and can’t take in your carry-on luggage — he was stopped at a Salt Lake City airport security checkpoint for having a lighter in his bag. Of course, that prompted security to inspect further, finding a glass pipe they thought was used for smoking crack cocaine (the man politely corrected them that no, it was actually a meth pipe). But that’s not all — investigators pulled his checked luggage out and found sex toys and 46 DVDs of sexual videos, many containing child pornography.

Back in Petaluma that same month, a teen boy made a serious bid for “dumb criminal of the year” when he grabbed an iPod off the belt of a woman holding a baby at 24-Hour Fitness in the Great Petaluma Mill.
The victim — baby in arms — gave chase, but the teen jumped a fence and got away. However, since he had to sign in to get inside the members-only gym, the victim ID’d the perp’s membership photo, and police caught up with him at his home.

This fall, two men parked outside the Ross store at Petaluma Plaza learned that if you’re going to shoplift 100 items of clothing during repeated trips inside a store, it’s not a good idea to draw attention to yourself by changing clothes next to your vehicle in the parking lot.

[In July] another man decided to take advantage of the warm summer sun and strolled leisurely along the railroad tracks near Southpoint Boulevard. Were it not for the fact that he wasn’t wearing any clothes and had reportedly masturbated in front of a woman and her children, police might have let him enjoy the rest of his walk.

You can find the entire Argus Courier article (it's a long one) here.

I don't think so. Not like Mr. Sandy Wong, of Edmonton. As reported in the Edmonton Sun, here are a few details of his relationship with a BMW:

Wong was busted for masturbating while sitting on the roof of a 2007 BMW 328i sedan on display at the Home and Garden Show at the Northlands AgriCom.

According to psychiatrist Dr. Curtis Woods, Wong says he is "sexually attracted" to the BMW's rooftop because "it's curved like a woman's body, the sex appeal, it felt good." Court heard Wong also gets aroused by certain classic cars, motorcycles and women with big feet.

Shazam! The time? After pleading guilty to indecent exposure and mischief, he was sentenced to 90 days in jail and 2 years probation.

So you're an attorney with a trial coming up, but are still recovering from back surgery. You want the court to continue the trial. You even have a doctor's note! So you file a "Motion for a Continuance" with one teeny, tiny typo:

Plaintiff moves the court for a continuance of the trial for the reason that counsel for the plaintiff is recovering from dick surgery ...

Now that has got to hurt! Click here - ouch! - to see the Motion and the doctor's note (for the injured disk).

Certainly a Judge must control the courtroom. How a Judge may do this, not surprisingly, is determined by the law. One tool is the power to hold someone in contempt. [Hint: It's a power used, a lot, below.] According to the Supreme Court, if the sentence imposed for contempt is less than 6 months, there is no right to a jury trial. Now, to our man in Maryland.

In 1990, Mr. Johnson was convicted of malicious destruction of personal property, placed on probation, and given a 3-year suspended sentence. He had to stay out of trouble for 3 years. Unfortunately, in 1991 he was convicted of burglary, and sentenced to 10 years. So Mr. Johnson is in jail for a couple years, when he is called to court for violating his 1990 probation - with just 10 days remaining on the 3-year suspended sentence.

Althought the prospect of serving an additional 3 years - on top of the 10 years he was already serving - did not sit well with him, his probation agent told him that the State would not seek to tack on the additional 3 years for violating his probation. WRONG! The Judge added on the 3 years, and a lively, lengthy, colorful conversation ensued. And just when you think it might be over ...

THE COURT: Call the next case please. [PROSECUTOR]: State calls Eugene Wright ...

MR. JOHNSON: -- at the same time. Don't make no motherfucking sense.

THE COURT: Bring him back. Take him back.

MR. JOHNSON: No motherfucking sense.

THE COURT: Pull him back.

MR. JOHNSON: Yo, man, stop yanking on my motherfucking arms. Motherfucking --

THE COURT: Sit him back over there in front of the table. [Uh-oh]

THE CLERK: Give me the file back. He might be under contempt of court.

THE COURT: Now, stand up there. Come back to that table there. Step on up now. What's wrong with you?

MR. JOHNSON: What the fuck you think wrong with me, man? Goddamn, I'm trying to tell you I ain't have no motherfucking option in this shit, man.

THE COURT: All right.

MR. JOHNSON: What the fuck? You think everybody just want to go sit in prison for the rest of their life because you ain't got nothing better to do than to sit up there and crack jokes. This ain't no motherfucking joke, man. This is about my goddamn life.

THE COURT: That cost you five months and twenty-nine days in addition to the three years I've just given you [#1, and suspiciously shy of the 6 months that would require a jury trial]

MR. JOHNSON: Fuck this shit, man.

THE COURT: All right. That's five months and twenty-nine more in addition to the five months and twenty-nine I've given you. [#2]

MR. JOHNSON: Fuck you, bitch.

THE COURT: That's five months and twenty-nine days. That's three years. That's five months and twenty-nine days. Now, wait a minute. That's consecutive to the three years that you're now doing. Each one of those. Separate and independent. [#3]

MR. JOHNSON: If I had a gun, your motherfucking head would be splattered all over the back of the goddamn wall for --

THE COURT: And you'd better shoot straight when you try. When you get out, come on. Five months and twenty-nine more for that. That's consecutive to the three others and consecutive to the one that you're doing now. [#4]

MR. JOHNSON: Whatever man. You're tired of giving it out? Did you finish or what?

THE COURT: Well, we can see. That's five months and twenty-nine more. [#5]

MR. JOHNSON: Kiss my ass again.

THE COURT: Five months and twenty-nine more. [#6]

MR. JOHNSON: Kiss my ass until you're tired of giving me another.

THE COURT: That's six of them.

MR. JOHNSON: Kiss my ass again.

THE COURT: Seven. Five months and twenty-nine days. [#7]

MR. JOHNSON: Fuck you. Kiss my ass again.

THE COURT: Five months and twenty-nine days. [#8]

MR. JOHNSON: All right.

THE COURT: Consecutive.

THE CLERK: Silence.

MR. JOHNSON: So you finished giving out time?

THE COURT: I guess. Until you cuss again.

MR. JOHNSON: Suck my dick. [Very tricky, because "dick" isn't a cuss word.]

THE COURT: Five months and twenty-nine days consecutive. [#9] [Damn!]

THE BAILIFF: Quiet in the Court.

MR. JOHNSON: You finished?

THE COURT: I suppose.

MR. JOHNSON: Well, what the fuck are you holding me for then?

THE COURT: Five months and twenty-nine more days. Consecutive. [#10]

MR. JOHNSON: Get the fuck off me, man.

THE COURT: Call the next one.

Not thrilled with the prospect of finishing his 10-year sentence, then 3 more years for the probation violation, then just under 5 MORE YEARS for contempt of court, Mr. Johnson appealed. Who do you think won? Mr. Johnson did. The Maryland Court of Special Appeals reversed the contempt convictions.

In the instant case, the trial judge, by engaging in a prolonged dialogue with the appellant,may have provoked the appellant into repeatedly committing acts of contempt. Convictions for those acts may not stand.

The Court of Special Appeals held that the entire incident described above be considered as only one episode of contempt, and sent the matter back to the trial judge on that one count of contempt, with the not-so-subtle hint that they "leave it to his judgment what further action should be taken." Johnson v. State, 642 A.2d 259 (Md. Ct. Spec. App. 1994).

Dr. Jean-Gilles Blain, a 72-year-old neurologist, will not be accused of being oversensitive. When a patient came to him for an EMG, complaining of numbness in her arm, here's what he said, as reported on Canada.com:

He called her "fat" several times, told her she ate too much and said her problems were all in her head.

Blain later stuck his hand between her thighs, saying: "How can such a beautiful girl like you be such a fat balloon?" the patient recalled.

The doctor also fell asleep during the consultation and snored, she testified.

Such compassion. What did the Quebec College of Physicians do to Dr. Blain when the patient filed a complaint? No doctoring for 12 months. If that seems a little harsh, it's likely because Dr. Feelgood was disciplined in 2001, and got remedial training, and was disciplined again in 2003, and got remedial training. To read more (just a little), click here.

(For the uninitiated, that's from Animal House.) I have no idea if Christopher Kelly is fat or stupid. I do know that on a recent night, he was incredibly drunk. Here are some highlights of his bender, as reported in This Is Lancashire:

When the story of Christopher Kelly's escapes were told to magistrates, a probation service officer had to leave the court in fits of laughter.

The court heard that Kelly, 31, of Railway Street, Nelson, had got extremely drunk on lager and vodka during a night out in Morecambe.

Kelly lost his friends, who were celebrating a friend's birthday and were also drunk, and wandered onto the beach where he got stuck in boggy sand and lost his shoes, trousers and jacket.[Really? He lost his pants in a sand bog? Hmmm.]

Cold and wet, he staggered across the road to Morecambe Town Hall where, seeing a window open, he climbed inside. There he went in various rooms, took a camera and a mobile phone which he tried to use to call his friends.

Then he soiled his underwear which he threw into a black bin bag. [Personally, I would have left that little detail out.]

He found a 'Grim Reaper' fancy dress outfit and put this on before leaving the town hall and wandering down Lord Street towards Poulton Square where he eventually arrived at the police station which was, at that time, unmanned. He stood there for three hours, still in the Grim Reaper gear, until police arrived.

Mr. Kelly admitted the crime. [This may have been made easier since some of it was recorded on CCTV.] The time? A six-month conditional discharge and payment of prosecution costs. You can read more (not a whole lot) here.

This crew makes the Montana Board of Barbers and Cosmetologists look great! I'm talking about the Florida Department of Business and Professional Regulation. As reported in The Ledger:

It began in 2005, when Sydney Bacchus, who holds a master's degree in biology from Florida State University, spoke at a public hearing on behalf of opponents of a proposed sand-mining operation in Putnam County.

You see the problem, right? Of course you don't! But those pointy-headed bureacrats did.

Soon after the appearance, Bacchus received a "cease and desist" order from the Florida Department of Business and Professional Regulation. Bacchus, the department claimed, was practicing geology without a license.

Would it surprise you to know that the complainant is a genuine state-licensed geologist (and supporter of the sand mine)? I didn't think so.

Then those geniuses on the Board tried to fine Ms. Bacchus up to $5,000, and have her reprimanded. So she sued the Board, and they caved, dropping the case against her. What do you think the Judge said when the Board asked that her suit [against the Board] be thrown out? Nope. Now the Board has offered her $100,000 to settle the case! To read more, click here.

Former Texas Justice of the Peace Thurman Bartie is running for Jefferson County Commissioner. Why "former" JP? Because he was kicked off the bench. Okay, he resigned, then he was removed. According to the Texas Judicial Conduct Commission, among other things, Bartie "punched a juvenile in the chest, and hit another juvenile on the head with his knuckles." Also, "on at least one occasion, [Bartie] brought juvenile twin brothers into his chambers and engaged in corporal punishment." There's much more. As reported in The Southeast Texas Record:

Bartie also had magistrate duties at the Jefferson County Correctional Facility and, according to the Tribunal Order, on several occasions told the inmates that he was planning to have sex with their wives while they were incarcerated.

In another incident referred to by the Tribunal, Bartie tried to intervene in a Port Arthur police investigation after his brother-in-law was stopped for driving while intoxicated. Records submitted to the Tribunal showed that Bartie asked officers to let him drive his brother-in-law's vehicle away, but changed his mind when the officers found crack cocaine in the vehicle. [Nevermind!] Bartie ordered that his brother-in-law be released on a personal recognizance bond, which he himself later signed.

When a local reporter attempted to investigate the allegations that Bartie was abusive to litigants, the JP had the reporter removed from court, used obscene language and called the reporter a racist.

The Review Tribunal stated that records presented to them indicated that while on the bench Bartie threatened to hit juveniles on the head with his gavel ... He also removed his belt and encouraged parents to whip or beat their children with the belt.

Just how offensive was Bartie's language? I don't know!

Justice Catherine Stone, who wrote for the Tribunal, found the language so offensive that it was omitted from the opinion and added that Bartie, "while sitting in his judicial capacity, used some of the most vulgar and offensive language imaginable."

"The nature and frequency of the extremely obscene language employed by respondent are, standing alone, sufficient to warrant his removal from office and the prohibition from holding judicial office in the future," Stone wrote.

To read the entire opinion of the Texas State Commission on Judicial Conduct, click here. You can read the Southeast Texas Record article here.

And the tattoo says "Hot Rod." That HAD to hurt! The patient was undergoing surgery, and was sedated when the surgeon took the photo. Seems the doc showed it around (so he's not a brain surgeon - ba-da-bing), and someone made an anonymous call to the press. Snap! You can read more (a fair amount) here.

So you're a doctor, and you're convicted of sexual assault and drug trafficking. You automatically lose your license, right? Nope. Dr. Sean Buckingham, of Canada, was so convicted, and still has his license! What did he do? Per the National Post:

Nearly two dozen witnesses testified during the trial, including a number of complainants who alleged Dr. Sean Buckingham sexually assaulted them.

One woman testified Buckingham, 47, tied her to a tree, beat her with a branch and sodomized her. Another said he asked her for oral sex while her seven-month old daughter was on her lap. A witness also said Buckingham agreed to write her a prescription for painkillers, but only if he could have half.

Throughout the seven-week trial, witnesses told the court the incidents happened in Buckingham's office, his home and his vehicle, sometimes after he picked them up at Narcotics Anonymous meetings.

At the time of his arrest two years ago, Buckingham was under police surveillance "from dawn to dusk." Police recorded more than 3,000 phone calls during which the doctor occasionally spoke to people about "candy bars" and "cigarettes."

The Crown said the items were code for drugs, in particular the highly addictive drug OxyContin, known as "hillbilly heroin."

Damn! A bona fide predator with an MD. So he was convicted - now what? Per The Aurora:

The Newfoundland and Labrador College of Physicians and Surgeons have the power to revoke or suspend his medical licence, but they need to 'investigate' first. They acknowledged his conviction but as an 'allegation against Buckingham'.

Wow, is there any such thing as automatic anymore? Seriously, who would even trust a doctor of his record with an ingrown toenail after all this?

What the hell is going on up there? To read more, click here and here.

Update: Click here to find out Buckingham's sentence.

That would be Steven Saleh's Washington, DC apartment. Via Craigslist, Mr. Conklin came down from New York to crash there. Two days later, he was lying dead on Mr. Saleh's living room floor. The cause? Acute intoxication - a mixture of alcohol and oxy.

Several days later, per The Washington Post, Dean Johnson arrived from New York to comfort Mr. Saleh. The next day, Johnson died in Saleh's apartment of ... acute intoxication. Per the Post:

As for Johnson, the office said, the tests showed that his fatal intoxication was caused by a combination of oxycodone and four other prescription drugs: clonazepam, an anti-anxiety medication with the brand name Klonopin; amitriptyline, an antidepressant sold as Elavil; ramelteon, a sleep aid marketed as Rozerem; and tramadol, a painkiller sold as Ultram.

What have the authorities concluded? No evidence of wrongdoing by Saleh. And his life's not going so well, either. He suffers from a disabling illness that causes chronic pain and fatigue. You can read more here.

A police car! A MARKED police car! Said the owner of the towing company, Gary Coe, "I think he just lost it." Gresham, Oregon police officer Tom Pohlman was resonding to an assault-in-progress at 2:20 a.m. When he was told over the radio that "They're towing you're car," Pohlman said "#@!&* + !&%*^#!" Actually, he said "You can't print my response." [Note to Officer Pohlman: This ain't The Oregonian. Contact the Juice. We will print your response, unedited.]

Why would tow truck driver Steven Syverson, who had 8 months on the job without incident, try to tow a police car? Because the car was parked in a fire zone. Guess what? The police can do this. What happened to Syverson? Lots of bad stuff. As reported in The Oregonian, he was fired AND "arrested on accusations of car theft, obstructing governmental administration, interfering with a peace officer, and third-degree criminal mischief."

So where does this rate on the weirdness scale? Per Officer Pohlman:

"I've been around cops and done this stuff since 1974," says Pohlman, who, at 55, is eligible to retire. "And this is in the top five or six things that I can say I've ever seen people do. And I've seen some pretty weird things."

To read more (not much), click here.

Talk about weird laws. In the state of Utah - I shit you not - it is illegal to have a keg party! Section 32A-12-206 - Unlawful sale or supply of beer - provides as follows:

(1) A person may not sell, offer to sell, or otherwise furnish or supply beer to the general public in containers larger than two liters. This does not preclude licensed beer wholesalers from selling, offering to sell, or otherwise furnishing or supplying beer in containers larger than two liters to beer retailers authorized by this title to dispense beer on draft for consumption on the beer retailer's licensed premises.

(2) A person may not purchase or possess beer in containers larger than two liters unless the person is a beer retailer authorized by this title to dispense beer on draft for consumption on the beer retailer's licensed premises.

Two liters! That's exactly 67.6280451 ounces - less than a six-pack-worth of beer! People, rise up! (Here's the law.)

So this dude, Omid Tahvili (per the Globe and Mail, "a top member of a Persian gang in the Lower Mainland that supplied drugs to Toronto"), was the number two flight risk in all of British Columbia. He was being held in the wing of a high-tech prison with 60 other inmates. Guess how many guards were on duty when Tahvili escaped? ONE! With major issues, too! He's been charged with aiding Mr. Tahvili's escape.

Where is Mr. Tahvili? Nobody knows, though he does call his lawyer occasionally. He's willing to turn himself in on one condition - that his sentence is time served! What does his lawyer think about the chances of him returning?

I have no doubt whatsoever that Mr. Tahvili has absconded ... and has no intention of returning for his sentencing hearing.

Regardless, he will be sentenced, in absentia, for his convictions on charges of kidnapping, assault with a weapon, and sexual assault. To read more, click here.

Melissa Franklin has been cutting hair for 16 years. She trained under 3 master barbers. She's been cutting hair in Whitefish, Montana for almost 10 years. There's only one problem - she's a licensed "cosmetologist," not a licensed "barber." Nobody in town cares. The Montana Board of Barbers and Cosmetologists does, though.

When an inspector told Ms. Franklin that she couldn't display a red, white and blue barbershop pole because she wasn't a barber, she took his advice and removed the blue stripe. The end, right? Not even close. The inspector returned a year later - with his camera - and brought the evidence to his bosses. As reported in The Missoulian, the Board then sent Ms. Franklin a letter telling her:

Get rid of that pole. And not just that pole out front. The painted pole on the window, too. And the little antique wooden pole on the wall that advertises shave and a haircut 5 cents, tooth pulling 2 cents. And the plastic spray bottles, whose cylindrical bodies are colored to look like poles.

Anything short of that would constitute “unprofessional conduct,” and Franklin could be fined, could even lose her license.

[See why I put this in the "Get A Life