Articles Posted in Juice Drops

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Really. Mr. Bryson Pillars was chewing some tobacco when … [I’ll let the Mississippi Supreme Court take it from here. They just don’t write them like they used to.]

It seems that appellant [Mr. Pillars] consumed one plug of his purchase, which measured up to representations, that it was tobacco unmixed with human flesh, but when appellant tackled the second plug it made him sick, but, not suspecting the tobacco, he tried another chew, and still another, until he bit into some foreign substance, which crumbled like dry bread, and caused him to foam at the mouth, while he was getting “sicker and sicker.” Finally, his teeth struck something hard; he could not bite through it. After an examination he discovered a human toe, with flesh and nail intact. We refrain from detailing the further harrowing and nauseating details. The appellant consulted a physician, who testified that appellant exhibited all of the characteristic symptoms of ptomaine poison. The physician examined the toe and identified it as a human toe in a state of putrefaction, and said, in effect, that his condition was caused by the poison generated by the rotten toe.[emphasis added]

I … think … I’m … going … to … be ………sick. So I guess you know what happened to Pillars at the trial court.

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Judges say the darndest things. Take the case of the Honorable Gary W. Velie, a Superior Court judge in Clallam County, Washington. Back in 1988, in response to a complaint, he admitted “the use of racist and sexist language and embarrassing jokes.” Not only was he not reprimanded, the complaint was dismissed “based upon [his] willingness to take corrective action.” But … sometime the next year … per The Commission on Judicial Conduct of the State of Washington,

[Judge Velie] made a remark to attorney John Doherty in open court and in front of court report Penny Wolfe and clerk Tammy Woolridge that he [Doherty] looked like he had been “jacking off a bobcat in a phone booth.” [I’m trying to imagine that level of dishevelment.]

In 1990, during the armed conflict between the United States and Iraq, [Judge Velie] remarked: “Nuke the sand niggers” in reference to [his] solution to the Mid-East crisis. The comment was made in the presence of others in the clerk’s office coffee room in the courthouse.

While viewing a property in the course of his duties, with two attorneys in his car, Judge Velie “stated that ‘Johnny,’ a defendant in an old case, “had gone crazy from sucking too many cocks.”

And there were a few others, like the time where he said, in open court, that he knows there are not many starving people. It’s just that “there’s a lot of them too stupid to cook what they are given… In other words, if you don’t give them a Kraft dinner with the instructions written on the box, you give them other normal food, they don’t know how to cook it.”

So, what do you think happened this time? Suspension?

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Zoinks. Judge Kerry Evans was before the Ontario Judicial Council in 2004. The charges included:

patting the groins and buttocks of co-workers;

French-kissing co-workers;

force-feeding Jujubes to his co-workers; and

engaging in oral sex with a court worker in his office washroom.

In his defense to the “oral sex in the washroom” charge, Judge Evans submitted photographs of his shaved genital area, taken by his brother. Why, you might wonder? Because if the incident really happened, surely she would have mentioned this. Brilliant! The old “shaved balls” defense. (Actually, for a variety of reasons, probably not the photographs (!), he prevailed as to that allegation.)

Alas, Judge Evans resigned from the bench in 2004 before he was sanctioned for misconduct. He recently applied for reinstatement to the bar, and got it! He may return to the legal profession after spending 2 years working for another lawyer, which he is now doing. To read more about this, click here.

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nokian901.jpgA New Zealand doctor took a number of photographs of his … genitalia, with his cell phone. You might ask, “Why?” According to the judge, the reasons “still remain largely inexplicable.” (Maybe he’s nuts – sorry!). Our doctor, whose name the court has not released, tried to send the photos to a female friend with the caption “before.” (I don’t think we’ll ever know what “after” would have been.) Well, the e-mail address was incorrect, so it bounced back. When the doctor tried to delete the photos, he caused them to be archived!

Another sexually explicit e-mail the doctor sent led to the discovery of the “self-portrait.” An Employment Court proceeding followed and, as they say in New Zealand, the doctor was sacked. He appealed. How do you think he fared?

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When the moment comes, I think it’s safe to say that most of us would prefer not to be in a public place, especially a fast food restaurant. The moment came for Henry Chai in a Wendy’s Restaurant in Montgomery County, Ohio. Now, as fast food goes, I like Wendy’s. I don’t want to believe that little Wendy, with those cute red braids, would allow this to occur. And remember, these were just allegations.

There was no toilet paper! Mr. Chai had to use his handkerchief! When the nightmare ended, Mr. Chai did what I think most of us would – he sued Wendy’s, seeking

$2.00 for the loss of a handkerchief, $5,000 ‘for the unreasonable risk to his health,’ $2500 ‘for humiliation and negligent infliction of emotional distress,’ and $5000 in punitive damages for Wendy’s ‘wanton act of failing to provide toilet tissue in contravention of the Ohio Food Services Rules.’

Wendy’s lawyers hit the law books, then filed a one sentence reply to Mr. Chai’s complaint: “Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaha.” Actually, they asked the court to dismiss the claim “for failure to state a claim upon which relief can be granted.” To Mr. Chai’s horror [don’t worry, he appealed], the court agreed.

The Court finds beyond doubt that the Plaintiff can state no cause of action upon which relief can be granted. The entire complaint consists of the Plaintiff’s frustration and inconvenience caused by the temporary omission of toilet paper from the men’s restroom area… The plaintiff had several alternatives and his lack of ingenuity caused an alleged $2 loss. This Court has held a scheduling conference [oh to be a fly on the wall for that one] and has considered the facts set forth in the motions and having spent adequate time reviewing the allegations and facts brought to the Court’s attention, this Court finds that the Plaintiff is not entitled to proceed further with this action.

Well, this did not sit well with Mr. Chai, so he appealed. And what do you think happened?

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Spell check, the devil’s proofreader.

So you’re an attorney with a trial coming up, but are still recovering from back surgery. You want the court to continue the trial. You even have a doctor’s note! So you file a “Motion for a Continuance” with one teeny, tiny typo:

Plaintiff moves the court for a continuance of the trial for the reason that counsel for the plaintiff is recovering from dick surgery …

Now that has got to hurt! Click here – ouch! – to see the Motion and the doctor’s note (for the injured disk).

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Mr. Smith (that’s his name, really) was sentenced to 21 years for six drug offenses. He requested a new trial, fired his lawyer, and represented himself at the hearing on his request for a new trial. Mr. Smith’s “first use of profanity occurred when he used the word ‘fuck,’ apparently for emphasis [Well I never!], in recalling an earlier conversation with his trial counsel who allegedly invited [Smith] to [appeal] based on ineffective assistance of counsel at trial.” The Judge warned him, but damned if it didn’t slip out again. Contempt #1. Six pages of trial transcript later, f-bomb number 2, and Contempt #2. And what do you think Mr. Smith said after the second contempt? “Shit.” Really. The Judge let that one go.

No more bombs for 37 pages of trial transcript. But when it became clear that Mr. Smith was SOL, he interrupted the Judge with “That’s bullshit. That’s bullshit.” The Judge ignored the BS-bombs. Mr. Smith later dropped the B-bomb (bitch), also ignored. But when it came time to sentence Mr. Smith for Contempts 1 & 2, things heated up a little bit.

THE DEFENDANT: What is the maximum on contempt, sir?
THE COURT: What is the maximum on contempt? If I am going to give you in excess of six months, I believe I have to give you a jury trial, is that correct …?
[STATE’S ATTORNEY]: Yes.
……….
THE DEFENDANT: … from day one, you have been prejudiced to the defense …. I am not asking you to believe me. I am only asking to bring forth witnesses in this case who could testify —
THE COURT: I asked you if you had anything you want to say as to what sentence the Court should impose —
THE DEFENDANT: Yeah. You know what? You can give me six more months, motherfucker, for sucking my dick, you punk ass bitch. You should have a white robe on, motherfucker, instead of a black. Fuck you.
THE COURT: I find you in contempt again.
THE DEFENDANT: Fuck you in contempt again.
THE COURT: I find you three times in contempt —
THE DEFENDANT: Fuck you. And fuck.
THE COURT: On each charge, the Court will impose a sentence of five months to run consecutive to each other and consecutive to any sentence you are now serving or obligated to serve.
THE DEFENDANT: Yeah. You better leave now, you, Ku Klux Klan.
THE COURT: The Court will adjourn. [Not so fast, there.]
THE DEFENDANT: Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you, you, Ku Klux Klan —
(Whereupon, the Proceedings were concluded.)

So what do you think the Maryland Court of Appeals decided – three contempts or one?

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If your honor has been besmirched, or if someone has 14 items in the “10 items or less” line, and “rock, paper, scissors” just won’t do, consider challenging the offender to a duel. If you are in Rhode Island, though, try flipping a coin. DO NOT CHALLENGE YOUR OPPONENT TO A DUEL.

Merely challenging a person to a duel will get you 1-7 years in jail, as will accepting the challenge, whether the duel is fought or not! And don’t ask your friend to set it up. That offense is punishable by up to 5 years in jail.

Undeterred, you decide to have the duel anyway, netting you another 1-7 years. Go alone. Anyone who helps you, acts as your second, or comes as your “surgeon,” is looking at up to 5 years.

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