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english%20Judge.jpg Let’s say you are Sheikh Khalid Ben Abdfullah Rashid Alfawaz, you’re rich, and you’re getting a divorce in an English court. During a Hearing, here are some of the judge’s comments:

That the sheikh could choose “to depart on his flying carpet” to escape paying costs.

That the sheikh should be available to attend hearings “at this relatively fast-free time of the year.”

That he should be in court so that “every grain of sand is sifted.”

And the sheikh’s evidence was “a bit gelatinous . . . like Turkish Delight.”

What a card! The Sheikh was not amused. He asked the judge to recuse himself due to bias. When the judge refused, the Sheikh appealed and … won. He was booted from the case, and had to apologize. Not to worry, though. Lord Justice Ward threw him a bone.

No little part of my embarrassment comes from my belief that the injection of a little humour lightens the load of high emotion that so often attends litigation and I am the very last judge to criticise laughter in court. For my part I am totally convinced that [the judge’s] jokes were not meant to be racist and I unreservedly acquit the judge of any suggestion they were so intended.

Shazam! Next time I do something stupid, I want Lord Ward speaking on my behalf!

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doll.jpg As reported by the Associated Press:

A man was arrested after a government agent allegedly found him in an office building restroom lying next to an inflatable, anatomically correct doll with his pants down.

Seems he’s got a thing for mannequins, too.

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A mom in Lincoln, Nebraska went a bit too far. She drove her 12-year-old and 6 other kids (3 who are 12,and 3 who are 13) to a 7th grade English teacher’s house, which they proceeded to TRASH as follows:

Using toilet paper, syrup, adhesive tape, dishwashing soap and eggs, they vandalized her house, yard, trees and driveway.

Wow. Must have stopped at the grocery store on the way. tp.jpgFor her troubles, mom was cited for suspicion of contributing to the delinquency of minors.

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That’s what Natasha Riley, not pleased with the way things were going for her client, said to Judge Mangano in the Brooklyn Family Court during a custody proceeding. But Judge Mangano would have the last laugh. Because most lawyers aren’t dumb enough to address a judge that way [even if it is bullshit!], Judge Mangano became suspicious. Turns out Ms. Riley, who had at least 8 clients, and 4 court appearances, is not a lawyer! Her punishment? Five years probation and $3,267 in restitution. You can read more here.

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Okay, so it’s not like a lot of smart people ingest a pill of unknown origin from a drug dealer but… Emma Louise Fischer and Tara Jay Loane, both age 21, definitely put some distance between themselves and the rest of the ecstacy pack.

It all started when the police busted a drug dealer, and started checking the numbers on his cell phone. They put names to the numbers, and then addresses with the names. Our young ladies happened to be on the dealer’s phone. When the police went to their house, they found another cell phone. On that phone was a video of 2 girls who filmed themselves … snorting ecstacy! Brilliant! Not surprisingly, they pleaded guilty.

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That headline is not hyberbole. As reported by the AP:

Law officers in western Kansas are investigating the bizarre case of a woman they say sat on her boyfriend’s toilet for two years.

TWO YEARS! What would you think happens to your body under those circumstances?

The sheriff said the woman’s muscles had atrophied and that medical personnel had to remove her from the toilet because she was bound to it by “natural means.”

So, the obvious question: What kind of boyfriend would let his girlfriend sit on a toilet for 2 years without getting her help? Answer: A dude who said that, hey, she stayed in the bathroom of her own free will. Legally, what’s going to happen to the “worst boyfriend over a two-year period” ever?

Sheriff Whipple said his office may charge the boyfriend with mistreatment of a dependent adult.

Sitting on his toilet for 2 years? I’d say that definitely made her “dependent” on him.

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foot_lick.jpg Target the store, that is. I don’t understand what drives a foot fetishist, though when I think about the sweet, gentle curve of the arch, the juicy meat of the big toe … oh, sorry. Anyway, I don’t know what Robert James, Sr. of Montgomery County, Pennsylvania was thinking when he went to Target, posing as a podiatrist. He identified himself as a doctor, and asked a woman what kind of shoe she was wearing because he was concerned about her arch support.

In furtherance of his Hippocratic oath, Dr. James got on his knees and “began to manipulate her toes and touch her foot” according to Officer Patrick Malloy. Then the jig was up. The woman told Target’s security about the good doctor. They found Mr. James in his car. He was [cover your kid’s eyes] playing with himself. What did the fuzz do? “Um, sorry to interrupt you, doctor…” No, they hit him with charges of indecent exposure and open lewdness. And surely he was charged with foot fondling? Nope. It’s not a crime in Montgomery County, Pennsylvania! Perhaps coincidentally, next year’s FLAP convention (Foot Lovers and Podiatrists) will be held in … Montgomery County, Pennsylvania. [not]

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[Warning: kids, leave the room.] Ms. Gill Hodges committed an almost unspeakable crime: she used four parking vouchers to pay for her parking, instead of two! And she had the nerve to wonder what difference it made, since her four vouchers added up to £2, exactly the required fee. I can answer her question the same way I answer my kids on occasion [the occasion being that I can’t think of a reason] – because. Ms. Hodges is not one to take such things (including a £60 [$120 US]) fine lying down. She e-mailed the council, and, per The Guardian, here’s how it responded:

Despite clear instructions on the reverse of Mrs Hodges’ vouchers warning that you can only use two vouchers at any time, the council decided to use its discretionary powers and revoke the fine.

However, this cancellation came with the proviso that should Mrs Hodges get another parking ticket, that fine will not be cancelled.

So kids, remember today’s lesson: while 2 x 1 = 2, don’t assume that 4 x .5 = 2. Click here to read more.

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Maybe you wouldn’t be so impressed if I told you that Elizabeth Okazaki pretended to be a student for 4 months at UCLA, even obtaining a BruinCard that allowed her to use the recreational facilities (where she stored some of her stuff!) and the libraries. She just got busted, and booted. But her prior stint?

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She posed as a physics graduate student at Stanford University for four years! Apparently Stanford is a real destination for fake students. They recently discovered that a woman who lived in a dorm and attended classes for a year was a fake student! Crazy.

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Kathleen Jennings, age 19, is getting hosed. This young lady is no reprobate. She is a Cub Scout leader who works with disabled children! And she is an A student, and is studying math at Manchester University. She’s never been in any trouble before. She is now, and here’s why: While riding the train, she put the tips of her flip-flops on the unoccupied seat in front of her. Said the big bad railway man: “Are you comfortable?” She immediately put her feet down. Not good enough.

Ms. Jennings was charged with “wilfully interfering with the comfort or convenience” of other rail passengers. Actually, I’d say that’s what the railway man did. Just to reinforce the kind of young lady we’re talking about, this was her reaction upon being charged:

I was crying my eyes out. I am not the sort of person who would do anything wrong. I have never been in trouble before and, working with children, I do not want a criminal record.

She will have to pay an attorney, and could face a fine of up to £150 ($218 US). Brilliant!

And Ms. Jennings is not alone. Since the “no feet on the seats” policy was implemented in February 2007, the company operating the trains, Merseyrail, has taken about 250 people to court! Mercy! If you want to read about another scofflaw who was busted under this 120-year-old rule, click here.

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