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Just remember that you heard it here first: If you call a spade a spade, it’s a spade for certain purposes if you think it is, even if it’s really not. Confused? So, most likely, are the New York women who are referred to as “prostitutes” by Johnny Law because a man thought they were (they weren’t). As reported in North County Now (New York):

Robert E. Millar, 60, offered two females money in exchange for sex Monday morning at about 10:15, troopers said, and squeezed the buttocks of one of the females.

Millar has been charged with two counts of patronizing a prostitute and one count of forcible touching. The females were not prostitutes and did not accept any money, and state police explained that the law uses the word “prostitute” for anyone who is solicited to engage in sexual conduct.

Feel better ladies? Didn’t think so. Here’s the source.

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How would you like your books today – with syrup, catchup, or mayonnaise? A library in Boise, Idaho had a real problem because someone kept dumping condiments in the book-drop. The perp was finally caught after a surveillance system was installed. And yes, she did get jail time. Why did she do it? She was retaliating against the library for being banned from entering it. As reported by The Idaho Statesman:

Joy L. Cassidy was taken away in handcuffs Friday after pleading guilty to misdemeanor malicious injury to property.

The special prosecutor hadn’t pushed for jail time, and Cassidy’s attorney said she needed weekly counseling that had helped her with anger-management and other issues.

But Judge Kevin Swain sentenced her to serve at least 27 days in jail. “Judge Swain sent a message today that people who engage in the kind of conduct that Ms. Cassidy engaged in will not be tolerated,” said Special Prosecutor Tim Fleming of the Canyon County Prosecutor’s Office. “You’re going to go to jail.”

Cassidy’s sentencing was the final chapter in one of the more bizarre crimes in Boise in recent years. When she was arrested after dumping syrup, ketchup and mayonnaise into a library book-drop, many wondered what her motive was — other than to destroy public property and create a gooey mess.

It came out in court on Friday that Cassidy, 75, was retaliating for being banned from the Ada Community Library in 2007 because of conflicts she’d had with the staff and other patrons.

“The library was the one place that she went in a social setting where she had contact with people,” Cassidy’s attorney, Gabriel McCarthy, told Judge Swain. “It broke her heart when she couldn’t go back. And it’s something she couldn’t let go.”

In spring 2009, Cassidy dumped maple syrup in the box, the first of more than 10 acts of vandalism over the course of the next year, according to police and library officials. The library spent about $1,000 on a surveillance system to finally catch her.

10+? That’s a serious grudge. You can read more (a fair amount) here.

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If this dude decides to remain in the relationship, he would be well-advised to have a pack of cigarettes on hand at all times, and be willing to share them. As reported by The Morning Call (Allentown):

Bethlehem police said a woman went on a rampage Monday night when her boyfriend denied her a cigarette and attacked him with a steak knife.

Linda Sellers, 55, is charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, simple assault, reckless endangerment, terroristic threats, harassment and possessing an instrument of crime. Sellers, of 714 Hayes St., is in Northampton County Prison under $750,000 bail.

Yikes. Here’s the official police version:

Officers were called to the home for a report of a woman yelling. Sellers answered the door and said, “Oh, good. It’s the (expletive) police!”

Police said Sellers pointed to Camilleri, who was sitting on the couch holding a steak knife he had wrestled away from her, and told the officer she was going to kill him.

Camilleri told police he was sleeping on the couch when Sellers awoke him and asked for a cigarette. When he told her to buy her own, police said Sellers threw items around the apartment and overturned a glass coffee table.

Sellers went into the kitchen, grabbed a steak knife and attacked Camilleri, police said. He suffered three cuts on the top of his head and was treated and released from St. Luke’s Hospital-Fountain Hill, police said.

Here’s the source.

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Sure, there are more delicate ways to say this. But regular readers know The Juice prefers the blunt approach. So … The governing administration in Malawi is proposing legislation that would outlaw farting in public! Truth! As reported by afrik-news.com:

The Bingu wa Mutharika led administration is to introduce a raft of legislation that seeks to criminalize an everyday natural occurrence of “passing gas” with the intention to “mold responsible and discipl[ined] citizens.”

Certainly a fair amount of discipline would be involved …

The Local Courts Bill of 2010, according to Malawi media reports, is to be presented in the forthcoming Parliament sitting by Minister of Justice, George Chaponda. The bill, reports say, also deals with citizens who hinder the burial of dead bodies as well as people who pretend to be fortune tellers.

Is there any opposition?

Mr. John Tembo’s [he’s the leader of the opposition party] criticism of the bill is believed to have stricken a chord with local critics who argue that the capacity of the local justice system to handle the expected influx of cases is questionable.

And this, from an anonymous citizen:

Commenting on the bill, a Malawian is quoted as saying: “How can this government criminalise the release of intestinal gases …. Everyone does that, even if it’s in public or it has an accompanying sound which is boring, making it criminal is a joke of democracy.”

Any supporters out there? At least one.

Another [Malawian] said he “support(s) the bill and is welcome. Sometimes breaking wind in public or during meetings is a disturbance of the peace”.

Since the anti-flatulence provision is only part of the proposed bill, perhaps it’s removal would take the wind (oh!) out of the opposition’s sails. Here’s the source.

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So, why did a Georgia mother check her son and two classmates out of school? To rob a bank! As reported by WSBTV.com:

The woman checked the three teens out of Stephenson High School on Friday morning, Lilburn police Deputy Chief Bruce Hedley said. He said the four went to a Wells Fargo on Rockbridge Road and Lawrenceville Highway for a heist. The suspects were armed with at least one handgun, police said.

Unbeknownst to the perps, a witness was on to them.

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Per the Alaska Supreme Court’s decision, Judge David Landry: decorative_thermometer.jpg

made inappropriate sexual comments to female court employees in the workplace. These included a note to a female employee that her “Hillbilly thermometers are distracting”, a note to a court clerk referring to a juror, stating, “I think Ms. _______ wants me,” describing one court clerk as a “shameless hussy”…

hillbilly.jpgHillbilly thermometers?! Go ahead, google it in quotes. You’ll get 51 hits (or 52, including this post!). Where does a judge in Alaska come up with that? Judge Landry also routinely signed blank bail orders, leaving it to the prosecutors to decide “the particulars for out-of-custody defendants.” Gee, think there’s anything wrong with that? There are a few more findings (like 14 criminal cases that had to be dismissed in 2005 because Judge Landry failed to schedule the trials within the time required by law), but I think you get the idea. Partially because Judge Landry was defeated in November 2006, his punishment was only a “public censure.” Oh, and “at no time in the future [may he] seek or hold a position as a judicial officer in the State of Alaska.”

They really know how to dole out the punishment …

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The Juice yearns for the good old days, when robbers and burglars used to just rob and burgle. Alas, it appears we shan’t be returning to those days. Yesterday, we learned about the Beanie Baby robber. Today, it’s the fish-killing robbers. Per the TribLocal:

Three goldfish were killed when a burglar poured hot sauce, mustard, ketchup and spices into a fish tank and stole a BB gun among other items from an Arlington Heights apartment, police said Wednesday.

You bastards! You killed … the goldfish!

The front door of an apartment on the 2100 block of South Goebbert Road was pried open sometime between Jan. 22 and Jan. 24, and burglars made off with a Nintendo game system, CD player, 30 games, 30 DVDs, a Daisy BB gun with extra BBs, jewelry and a 50-pound fire safe containing personal papers and pictures, police said.

Here’s the source.

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What kind of person would steal a little girl’s Beanie Babies? And use a knife during the heist? Perhaps the kind of 18-year-old who would want 6 Beanie Babies… As reported by The Orlando Sentinel:

Two St. Cloud men accused of taking a little girl’s Beanie Babies and other items during a home invasion are being held without bail today at the Osceola County Jail.

Scott Napolillo and Sean Knapp, both 18, face charges of home-invasion robbery, aggravated assault and false imprisonment.

Napolillo is accused of pulling a knife from his waistband and forcing his way into a St. Cloud house to collect on a debt as Knapp waited outside with a souvenir baseball bat.

Must have been a large debt for all that.

The men rode their bicycles to the house.

Okay, maybe a medium-size debt?

The victim, who was not identified, told police Napolillo threatened to stab him if he didn’t have $130 to pay off his debt, the report stated.

Told there was no money, Napolillo ransacked the home and told the victim if he tried to run a friend known as the “Marlboro Man” was waiting outside.

After packing the robbed items in a black bag, Napolillo left after saying he would come back and kill the victim if police were called, the report stated.

After the men left, a police officer on patrol in the area recognized Napolillo as a suspect in several burglaries and followed the men as they rode their bikes across St. Cloud, an arrest report stated.

The officer stopped them for riding against traffic after they cut off a car on 17th Street.

Napolillo had a dagger stuffed inside his waistband and he showed the officer that the black bag contained nine Nintendo video games, six Beanie Babies, the souvenir baseball bat, a cell phone and 13 AA batteries, the report stated.

$130! STFU! NFW did you do all that for $130. Here’s the source, which includes mug shots of the young men.

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It’s difficult to believe that Utah would be doing this, especially given the recent shootings in Tucson. But it’s true. The “official state” what? Gun! As reported by The Christian Science Monitor:

In one of the most controversial state symbol designations since Alabama in 2006 attempted to name the peach the state fruit (amid protests from its neighbor Georgia, the Peach State), the Utah House voted on Wednesday to honor Utah-born John Browning, the M1911’s inventor, by naming the semiautomatic hand gun America’s first state gun.

And just in case you’re wondering whether it will pass the Utah Senate and become law …

Though the Utah House passed the Browning designation, the Senate still has to approve the bill. The House version passed primarily along party lines, with all but two Republicans voting in favor and every Democrat voting against. Republicans took control of the Utah Senate in November. The state also has a Republican governor.

You can read a lot more about this here.

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Unless you’ve never seen a movie or tv show, you’re familiar with the cop who makes a mess of things and ends up getting busted down to traffic. So what happens if you are a traffic cop, and you mess up? This gent is almost certainly going to find out. As reported in The New Straits Times:

A traffic policeman was ordered to enter his defence by the magistrate’s court yesterday for ordering a woman motorist to strip at a roadblock.

Say what?

Corporal A.S. Affendi Ahmad Sairi, 41, was charged with ordering Ang Ya Ying, 28, to remove her blouse and with pulling her pants to cause her embarrassment and insulting her modesty in front of a petrol station in Cheras at 1.15am on May 4 last year.

Defence counsel Faizal Abd Rahman told the court that he would be calling three witnesses, including the accused…

Whatever the deal is, take the plea bargain!