Legal Juice

Must have been "f-bomb the lawyer day." Mr. Aaron Wider is the owner and CEO of HTFC Corp. In a lawsuit brought by GMAC Bank against HTFC, Mr. Bodzin (GMAC's attorney) was attempting to take Mr. Wider's deposition. To say Mr. Wider was uncooperative would be an incredible understatement. Here are a few excerpts from the deposition:

Q. [By Atty. Bodzin] This is your loan file, what do Mr. and Mrs. Fitzgerald do for a living?
A. [By Mr. Wider] I don’t know. Open it up and find it.
Q. Look at your loan file and tell me.
A. Open it up and find it. I’m not your fucking bitch.
Q. Take a look at your loan application.
A. Do it yourself. Do it yourself. You want to do this in front of a judge. Would you prefer to
[do] this in front of a judge? Then, shut thefuck up.
Q. Sir, take a look--
A. I’m taking a break. Fuck him. You open up the document. You want me to look at something, you get the document out. Earn your fucking money asshole. Isn’t the law wonderful. Better get used to it. You’ll retire when I’m done.

Q. ... We’re going to adjourn this deposition if this happens again because you are offending every single person.
A. Don’t speak for anybody in here except yourself fuck face.
Q. I’m speaking for myself and I’m speaking for the Court Reporter.
A. If she had a problem with me she would say something. She knows it’s [not] directed toward
her. It’s directed to you because you’re a piece of shit and a piece of garbage and I’m the only
person in your life that is fucking up your world and I enjoy it. I enjoy it and when you sit there
and say I’m perpetrating a fraud I’m just better at the law than you are and you can’t get in the
fucking door and it’s pissing you off. Keep trying.

What what what? [Funnier for South Park fans.] Just how bad was the rest of the deposition? Per the court:

The above [which includes one more excerpt] are only a few examples of Wider’s hostile, uncivil, and vulgar conduct, which persisted throughout the nearly 12 hours of deposition testimony. In fact, Wider used the word “fuck” and variants thereof no less than 73 times. To put this in perspective--in this commercial case, where GMAC’s claim is for breach of contract and HTFC’s counterclaim is for tortious interference with contract--the word “contract” and variants thereof were used only 14 times.

So what did the court do with this? Click below to find out.

Continue reading "Witness Repeatedly F-Bombs Questioning Attorney - Hellish Deposition" »

Yup. A 30-year-old Toronto man was riding the bus. After making eye contact with the man next to him, the friendly guy said "hello." This was too much for the unfriendly guy, who, as reported in The National Post, then asked

Why do you say hello to me? I don't know you.

Um, er, okay. Nevermind. No such luck for the friendly guy.

The victim apologized on the bus, and again when they got off, but the man pulled out a knife and stabbed him. The victim was taken to hospital and received numerous stitches.

Friendly guy is doing alright. Unfriendly guy remains at large. You can read a little more here.

I'm having a hard time thinking of anything that compares to what brothers Nicholas and Alexander Grunke were planning on doing. They saw a young lady's picture with her obituary (I think you have an idea where this is going), and thought she was attractive. So, naturally, they decided to dig her up and have sex with her corpse. Fortunately, things did not go as planned. As reported at investigation.discovery.com,

On the night of Sept. 2, 2006, a concerned citizen called the Grant County Sheriff's Department and reported a suspicious vehicle that was parked by the St. Charles Cemetery. When Officer Brent McDonald arrived on the scene, he observed Alexander Grunke walking towards the vehicle. According to the criminal complaint, Grunke was sweating profusely and appeared to be nervous.

Oh, and somehow, the brother managed to convince a friend, Dustin Radke, to help them.

"Complainant is informed by Sgt. Kopp's report that Radke informed him that he had brought Nicholas Grunke to the Cassville Cemetery the first part of the week, that Nick wanted to come down and locate L.T.'s grave, that Nick asked him to help him dig up L.T.'s body so that he could have sexual intercourse with her, that Nick wanted to take her back to a pre-selected location behind his house, that he did assist in digging up L.T.'s gravesite, and that they had stopped at Wal-Mart in Dodgeville on the way down and bought condoms because Nick wanted to use them when he had sex with a corpse," reads the Sept. 5, 2006 criminal complaint filed by Chief Deputy Jack Johnson.

The charges? Attempted theft and attempted sexual assault. The defense? No sexual assault because the victim was already dead. Did the Judge agree? He did, and his decision was upheld on appeal, but the state appealed that decision to the Wisconsin Supreme Court. Guess how many states have a law that specifically bans necrophilia? Just 16 (and Wisconsin isn't one of them). You can read more (a fair amount) here.

For real - this defense was really used in court. The charge against Japanese pin-up Serena Kozakura was kicking a hole in a door, and then crawling through it to enter an apartment. She was convicted. On appeal, Serena's lawyer argued that, with a 44-inch chest, she could not possibly have fit through the hole in the door! The Judge agreed, and tossed the case. Said Serena,

“I used to hate my body so much, but it was my breasts that won in court.”

Shazam! Props to wizbangblog and Japundit for finding this story. Click here to see the story as posted on Weird Asia News (including photos and video).

So the husband, Ravi, wanted an omelette for dinner. And he's not real flexible (at least he wasn't at the time). Wife Kavitha, a school teacher, didn't feel like cooking no stinkin' omelette. After an argument, she began chopping onions for the omelette. After another argument ensued, she took that old knife and planted it right in Ravi's chest. Do NOT mess with Ravi! (And, generally speaking, don't argue with a knife-wielder.) The fuzz took Kavitha away, while neighbors took Ravi to the hospital. Here's the article. (Trust me, my write-up is better.)

Parents get divorced. Dad converts to Judaism, and wants son circumsised - and Mom doesn't. Now if I were to to tell you that the son istwelve years old, who else do you think they should ask? Yes, junior, of course! You would think someone would have thought of this before the case worked its way up to the Oregon Supreme Court! Nope - not in the 3 years the parents have been litigating this issue. So the Court sent the case back with instructions to determine what junior wants. That shouldn't take long. You can read more (just a little bit) here.

Regular Juice readers no doubt remember this "Motion for Continuance." This one is not quite as funny (the bar is now pretty high), but it's still juiceworthy. In the Louisiana case of Harrell v. Spencer, et al., defense counsel filed, I shit you not, an "Unopposed Motion To Continue Trial Due To Conflict With The LSU Tiger's National Championship Game." In his supporting Memorandum, defense counsel states:

All counsel to this matter unequivocally agree that the presence of LSU in the aforementioned contest of pigskin skill unquestionably constitutes good grounds [under the statute - for continuing the trial]. In fact we have been unable through much imagination and hypothetical scenarios to think of a better reason.

What do you think the Judge did with the Motion? Granted. Trial continued to February 11, 2008. Okay, now I have a problem. February 11th is George Washington's birthday. Really. As Stephen Colbert says, "Look it up." You can read the Motion, Memorandum and Order here

What did Canadian elementary school teacher Maria Pantalone do that resulted in her pleading guilty to assaulting a 12-year-old boy? Hint #1: She threw something at him. Hint #2: It was brown. Need another hint? Hint #3: It smells really, really bad. Yes, it was feces! And the kid was not even one of her students! Why did she do it? "I couldn't take it anymore. It was total, total frustration," she testified, as reported in the Toronto Star. The punishment? Zippy. No fine or jail time. She was suspended, but with pay. Her future as a teacher remains uncertain. Yes, there are several nagging questions: Where did she get the human feces? What could the kid possibly have done to drive her to do it? We're unlikely to find out because there is a publication ban to protect the minor's identity. Damn! Here's the article.

I don't think so. Not like Mr. Sandy Wong, of Edmonton. As reported in the Edmonton Sun, here are a few details of his relationship with a BMW:

Wong was busted for masturbating while sitting on the roof of a 2007 BMW 328i sedan on display at the Home and Garden Show at the Northlands AgriCom.

According to psychiatrist Dr. Curtis Woods, Wong says he is "sexually attracted" to the BMW's rooftop because "it's curved like a woman's body, the sex appeal, it felt good." Court heard Wong also gets aroused by certain classic cars, motorcycles and women with big feet.

Shazam! The time? After pleading guilty to indecent exposure and mischief, he was sentenced to 90 days in jail and 2 years probation.

Talk about weird laws. In the state of Utah - I shit you not - it is illegal to have a keg party! Section 32A-12-206 - Unlawful sale or supply of beer - provides as follows:

(1) A person may not sell, offer to sell, or otherwise furnish or supply beer to the general public in containers larger than two liters. This does not preclude licensed beer wholesalers from selling, offering to sell, or otherwise furnishing or supplying beer in containers larger than two liters to beer retailers authorized by this title to dispense beer on draft for consumption on the beer retailer's licensed premises.

(2) A person may not purchase or possess beer in containers larger than two liters unless the person is a beer retailer authorized by this title to dispense beer on draft for consumption on the beer retailer's licensed premises.

Two liters! That's exactly 67.6280451 ounces - less than a six-pack-worth of beer! People, rise up! (Here's the law.)

Judge John P. Wulle, of the Clark County, Washington Superior Court, was attending a conference entitled "Planning Your Juvenile Drug Court in Los Angeles in July 2006. I know, skip the details - get to the dirt. Here's some of what he said, as set forth in the "Stipulation" entered into by the Judge and the Commission on Judicial Conduct:

During a breakout session, the team's facilitator wrote a star on an assignment the team completed and said jokingly, "Clark County gets a star." Respondent [Judge Wulle] replied, "I don't need a star, I'm not a Jew."

Later in the week, during a break in the conference, other faculty members asked [Judge Wulle] who Clark County's facilitator was, and he answered, "the black gay guy."

A team member asked [Judge Wulle] to lower his voice ... and he acknowledged the request by raising his middle finger at the team member.

During a breakout session ... [Judge Wulle] became frustrated with the pace or direction of discussion, and announced it was time for the group to move on to the next topic. A fellow team member spoke up, "No Judge, this is important, we need to work through this," or words to that effect. In response to this seemingly respectful entreaty, [Judge Wulle] angrily yelled, "F_ _ _ you" and threw his pen down on a table and left the room. [Regular Juice readers know that I don't delete expletives. The Commission does, though.]

Zoinks! Maybe it's me, but it seems like Judge Wulle wasn't real pleased about attending the conference. If you want to read the full "Stipulation, Agreement and Order of Censure," click here.

What's the latest vanity plate to be retroactively deemed offensive? Hailing from the great state of New York, the newly banned plate is "GETOSAMA." The plate was issued to retired NYPD sergeant Arno Herwerth, and he is pissed! Said Mr. Herwerth:

This is unbelievable... It's unpatriotic and absolutely disgusts me that anyone would consider that in any way offensive other than if you're a member of al Qaeda... You look back at Pearl Harbor and WWII and you wonder, would they be offended by, 'Get Hitler'?

Hitler and Pearl Harbor? That must make anyone of a certain age think of this truly classic clip from "Animal House" during which Bluto asks "Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?"

You can read more (a fair amount) about the plates and Mr. Herwerth here.

The store, that is. I don't understand what drives a foot fetishist, though when I think about the sweet, gentle curve of the arch, the juicy meat of the big toe ... oh, sorry. Anyway, I don't know what Robert James, Sr. of Montgomery County, Pennsylvania was thinking when he went to Target, posing as a podiatrist. He identified himself as a doctor, and asked a woman what kind of shoe she was wearing because he was concerned about her arch support.

In furtherance of his Hippocratic oath, Dr. James got on his knees and "began to manipulate her toes and touch her foot" according to Officer Patrick Malloy. Then the jig was up. The woman told Target's security about the good doctor. They found Mr. James in his car. He was [cover your kid's eyes] playing with himself. What did the fuzz do? "Um, sorry to interrupt you, doctor..." No, they hit him with charges of indecent exposure and open lewdness. And surely he was charged with foot fondling? Nope. It's not a crime in Montgomery County, Pennsylvania! Perhaps coincidentally, next year's FLAP convention (Foot Lovers and Podiatrists) will be held in ... Montgomery County, Pennsylvania. [not]

It's Valentine's Day, and your girlfriend wants to tie you up. What the hell, you figure, and you agree. If your girlfriend is Tiffany Sutton, you have just made a huge mistake, as Robert McDaniel learned - the hard, bloody way. No worries for her, though, because she had him sign a release beforehand! Brilliant! It probably didn't help that they had both smoked meth and consumed a 6-pack of beer, and 1/2 a bottle of whiskey.

Back to the blood. After tying him up, she cut his leg, and [ouch!] stabbed him in the back, neck, abdomen and ... through his arm! Then, as reported in The Arizona Republic, she drank some of his blood. When McDaniel escaped, Sutton chased him with a pickax. Then he passed out.

What happened to McDaniel and Sutton? He was okay. She got busted. And what did she have to say to the court? "I'm sorry for everything. I didn't mean to hurt anybody." Really? Was that the pickax of love you were carrying? For more details, click here.

This Thomas Blacine is one weird dude. (Though that is apparently urine in the photo below, it's not Mr. Blacine.) He has been breaking into women's homes, naked, and tickling them while they sleep. And videotaping them while they sleep. And peeing in at least one woman's milk container!

Now he obviosly likes the way Linda Combs looks while she's sleeping - because he's hit her house twice! "I felt something on my leg and thought it was my cat and I look up and it was this naked guy, and he ran again," said Ms. Combs. Surely she must be able to describe him?

"Well, not really. I would recognize him more if there was a shot of his skinny, white butt. The second time he was naked as could be."

I doubt a butt line-up would withstand judicial scrutiny. What was Mr. Blacine charged with? Tampering with a consumer product (yummy) and burglary. For more on the naked, urinating, tickling burglar, including a photograph of Mr. Blacine, click here.

So you're in a car crash, and you go to see your dentist. It must be bad because, in one day, the dentist performs SEVEN root canals! Now see if you can guess how many should have been done. NONE!

Oh, and not only were the SEVEN root canals unnecessary, dentists who testified at Dr. Lawrence Ho's hearing said they were done improperly, and required five additional procedures to repair the damage. And, after the 7-bagger, Ho continued to treat the man, Wayne Chalazan, for four more months, doing additional work, none of which relieved the pain! Did I mention that Ho also pulled 2 teeth without sufficient evidence that it was necessary? What about the dental panel's finding that Ho overcharged for this butchery? And that he misdiagnosed Mr. Chalazan, and didn't keep proper records of the tests, treatments or anesthetic he gave him? And that, since this took place in 1999, Mr. Chalazan has continuous pain, and can only eat soft foods?

All this, and the guy gets ... a 2-month suspension (plus $102,000 in legal costs and other fees) from The College of Dental Surgeons of Saskatchewan! Absurd. They should have sentenced him to SEVEN root canals, and 2 pulled teeth (plus 4 months of pain and unnecessary treatment). Hopefully Dr. Ho will feel some pain in his wallet. Mr. Chalazan has filed a civil suit seeking at least $100,000.

The last word will go to Mr. Chalazan: "Basically, I was tortured." (You can read more here.)

Not that a lot of smart people ingest a pill of unknown origin from a drug dealer but... Emma Louise Fischer and Tara Jay Loane, both age 21, definitely put some distance between themselves and the rest of the ecstacy pack.

It all started when the police busted a drug dealer, and started checking the numbers on his cell phone. They put names to the numbers, and then addresses with the names. Our young ladies happened to be on the dealer's phone. When the police went to their house, they found another cell phone. On that phone was a video of 2 girls who filmed themselves ... snorting ecstacy! Brilliant! Not surprisingly, they pleaded guilty. You can read more here.

I could not make this shit up! [Sorry.] A priest in Morganfield, Kentucky is suing Shithead's owner and the city for allowing the dog to be buried near a veteran's memorial. It's not the name that upsets Father Gerald Baker: "What are we saluting? A flagpole with a monument to the dog? It's offensive. Any Christian, any American should understand why this is offensive."

Shithead's owner, Judy Hagan, (an American, and maybe a Christian too!) feels otherwise: "What right does he have to come to this town and put somebody else down for something they have done that he knows nothing about. It's not a disgrace. I didn't do it for a disgrace. If that's the way people wanna take it, then that's their problem."

Said Father Baker: "This woman in her arrogance and her ignorance, demanding she has the right do this? Well we'll just see." Yes, we will. You'd think this just happened, right? Nope. Shithead was laid to rest, with the city's permission, in 1999. You can read more in a FirstCoastNews.com article here.

If you are Matthew Dietrich of Berks County, Pennsylvania, you are PISSED! You just paid Christopher Katz $500 for a pound of marijuana. But when you open the bag - BROCCOLI! So what do you do? Kick his ass? Just leave? Not Mr. Dietrich. He was going to get the last laugh. Or was he? (Cue the creepy, mysterious laugh.) Young Mr. Dietrich called 911, joining the brotherhood of really stupid criminals. He told the police that he was beaten up and robbed by Mr. Katz, who then joined the brotherhood too, telling the police about the failed drug deal. Said Lansdale police Sgt. Robert McDyre:

It is bizarre, isn't it? 'You'd think [Dietrich would] just say, 'I can't believe I'm that stupid' and leave.

You can read more on this caper here.

They both sew with a steady hand, right? Somehow, a 30-year-old Indian man posed as a doctor for almost a year without raising even an eyebrow. So how was he caught? A security guard overheard the "doctor" telling a patient that he did not know the way to the pathology lab! And what did the man say when he was caught? He said he was a surgeon in India, had a applied for a job, and was just wandering around waiting for word on his application. But when the police checked him out, they learned that he works in a women's tailor shop! No doubt that's where he made (really) the doctor's uniform that he wore around the hospital. You can read more here.