Squeezed on:

zipper%20unzipped%20zip%20unzip.jpg

It pays to know and understand the Constitution, especially the 5th Amendment. A man in Fort Walton Beach, Florida would be well-advised to read it, or at least catch a few episodes of Law & Order. As reported by the Northwest Florida Daily News:

A man stopped for driving with an inoperable brakelight on Nov. 23 was questioned when the officer noticed the man’s pants were unbuttoned and unzipped. The condition of the man’s pants was obvious when he was asked to step out and look at the lights for himself.

Yeah, probably the first guy ever to have a partially unzipped fly…

When the officer questioned him, the driver said he had just left his girlfriend’s house and had picked up the 36-year-old female in his car to give her a ride home.

Okay…

After the officer advised the man that he believed a sexual act was performed in the vehicle, the man said the female had offered to perform that sexual act for $20. The man added that he had paid the $20 but had not yet gotten the act.

Really? It’s not like you were tied to a chair, with a hammer about to smash your toes. How about this answer: nuh-uh.

The defendant had $20 in her pocket, according to her Fort Walton Beach Police Department arrest report.

She was charged with soliciting for prostitution.

Really? What about the loose-lipped, would-be john? Not cool.

Posted in: Best Of
Squeezed on:
Updated:
Squeezed on:

well.jpg

When you’re a burglar, going to the same well twice is going once too often.

A Madrid man faces multiple felony charges after he allegedly stole coins and cash during two separate home invasions, St. Lawrence County sheriff’s deputies said.

Yeah, they were separate home invasions, but invasions of the same home!

Jeffrey R. Lavare, 29, of 401 Haig Road, was charged with two counts of second-degree burglary, fourth-degree grand larceny and petit larceny.

Deputies said Lavare entered a residence located on the Elliot Road and stole coins value at more than $1,000. Deputies said he returned to the residence at a later date and stole coins and cash valued at about $350.

You’ll find the source here, at North Country Now (Potsdam, New York).

—–
EXTENDED BODY:

—–

Posted in: Odd Cases
Squeezed on:
Updated:
Squeezed on:

Lobsters.jpg

Like many shoppers before him, Mr. Walter Tessier walked into a grocery store (in Amsterdam, New York) and bought a lobster. He later returned to the store claiming that the lobster was bad, and exchanged it for a bag of king crab legs. So whatsamatta? Just this: the lobster shell was empty! As reported by The Times Union:

When confronted, the man with a passion for seafood ran from the store with the bag of crab legs in hand, they said.

Deputies said they caught up with him at his home only to discover that he had already eaten the crab legs.

Walter Tessier, giving new meaning to the phrase “eat and run” … (We actually had a case involving a woman who admitted to eating a crab she had just purchased – while she was driving! Not surprisingly, she rear-ended our client.)

Tessier was charged with petit larceny and given an appearance ticket to return to court at a later date.

Posted in: Best Of
Squeezed on:
Updated:
Squeezed on:

insane%20insanity%20plea%20straight%20jacket%20crazy%20nuts.jpg

Per the St. Petersburg Times:

To prove he’s incompetent to stand trial on multiple felony charges, Robert Sinclaire Lee hid a razor in his mouth and used it to cut his wrist in court.

He smeared feces on his face.

And Monday, he entered a courtroom with feces hidden in his jail jacket pocket.

Did it work? Nope. Why not? Well, among other evidence of malingering,

Prosecutors also have jail phone call recordings on which Lee laughs about acting “crazy.”

Who knew that prisoner’s phone calls were monitored, other than EVERYONE (except Lee)? To read more, click here.

So what happened at the trial? Guilty. You can read more here.

Squeezed on:

911%20emergency%20call.jpg

I would imagine that 911 operators get a lot of strange calls. Still, I’ll bet they don’t get calls like this too often. As reported by the St. Petersburg Times:

Joshua Basso said his cell phone ran out of minutes Wednesday, so he called the one number that he knew is always free — 911 — with an unusual request.

He wanted someone to have sex with him.

Is there [pardon the pun] stimulus money for that? [Oh!]

When 911 operators hung up on him, he called back four times, police said.

Fifteen minutes after his last call, police arrested Basso at his home, at 4202 N Nebraska Ave., on charges of making a false 911 call. He was taken to the Hillsborough County Jail, where he remains without bail.

No bail?

Basso has been arrested a dozen times in Hillsborough on charges including grand theft of a motor vehicle, violation of probation, domestic violence battery, possession of marijuana, trespassing and burglary, jail records show.

Add one more to that cornucopia of criminal charges. Here’s the source.

Posted in: Best Of
Squeezed on:
Updated:
Squeezed on:

light%20saber.jpg

It sounds crazy, right? A light saber beating a taser? But it happened. It all started one night … as reported by kgw.com (Portland, Oregon) …

Officers were dispatched to the [Toys R Us] store shortly before 10 p.m., Wednesday on reports that the man had already assaulted three customers with [two ‘Star Wars’ light sabers]. None of them was injured.

Before officers arrived, dispatchers were told the man had walked out into the parking lot, still swinging the swords. Police found the man in the lot talking incoherently.

An officer tried to use a taser, but the device failed. A second Taser also failed after the man used the light sabers to break one of the wires, Simpson said.

You doubted The Juice? The light saber neutralized the taser! So, it had to be done the old-fashioned way.

Officers then rushed the man, taking him to the ground as he struggled violently and continued to shout nonsense.

David A. Canterbury, 33, was placed on a police hold at a hospital for a mental evaluation.

The charges?

He was cited for three counts of fourth-degree assault, second-degree disorderly conduct, third-degree theft, resisting arrest and interfering with a police officer.

 

Posted in: Best Of
Squeezed on:
Updated:
Squeezed on:

doh%21%20doh.png

You have to be pretty hammered to think that the candor pander has any chance of working when you’re driving drunk. As reported by www.beenews.com (New York):

A man was arrested for driving while intoxicated after patrol observed his vehicle 
pass 
through a steady red light at Seneca Creek Road and swerve several times on 
Union Road.

The 
man told patrol, “I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been drinking,” then produced a Rite Aid 
rewards card 
for ID instead of his driver’s license.

Doh!

Posted in: Best Of
Squeezed on:
Updated:
Squeezed on:

FbombTHfinal.jpgCook County, Illinois Judge Stanley Sacks, during the trial of a Chicago police officer convicted of reckless driving, said:

Pardon my language, but big fucking deal.

So… judicial. For this little doozy, Chief Judge Timothy Evans re-assigned Sacks to non-judicial duties for four months.

Squeezed on:

tattoo.jpg

Yup. When Rachel Monk, a 24-year-old Scottish woman with cerebal palsy, wanted to get a tattoo, the first establishment she and her family tried was up a flight of steps. Since Ms. Monk is in a wheelchair, she was referred to another tattoo parlor. At that establishment, called Body Creation, the owner told her

We don’t do people like you.

Me thinks they will now. A discrimination claim was filed. The Disability Rights Commision awarded Ms. Monk £2,500 ($5,000), stating

It was abundantly clear, once one took the trouble to communicate with Rachael, that she knew her own mind, was proud of the small heart (tattoo) already displayed on her right arm, and wanted that tattoo she had chosen for her left upper arm… [Mr Dean] did not attempt to make any assessment of Rachael’s vulnerability or capacity He simply ignored her and made assumptions based upon her physical abilities.

Posted in: Best Of
Squeezed on:
Updated:
Squeezed on:

barber%20funny%20britain%20english.jpg

Barbers Anderson and Banks are opening up a barbershop. While the space was being remodeled, an old, ornate sign was uncovered. As reported in The Argus, the sign reads “J. Barker”, “dispensing chemist” and “practical phrenologist,” and is carved in ornate gold leaf writing. Since the sign has historical significance,

They were then told by planning officers from the city council they must keep the old sign as it is protected by conservation laws – even though it advertised the wrong kind of business.

So they have this cool old sign, and life is good at Trafalgar Barbers, no? No, it’s not.

Last week the barbers received a letter from the Royal Pharmaceutical Society of Great Britain saying it was illegal to advertise themselves as a “dispensing chemists” when they weren’t. The letter said it would take further action unless the sign, which contravened the Medicines Act 1968, was taken down.

Only one problem – they paid £500 ($1,000 US) for their sign, and a new “old” sign would cost about £1,000 ($2,000 US)! They don’t have it, and they’re feeling a bit boxed in. Said Mr. Anderson:

The council has made us break the law. It feels like we are in a nowin situation and it is all a bit bizarre. We never wanted the sign in the first place but were told we had no choice. Now we are being told we have to take it down and pay for another one. We are told we have to preserve the cultural heritage of the area but all the other shops in the area have the signs they want above the door.

Yeah! People, get your shit together and let these gents cut hair! Here’s The Argus article.

Update: Fortunately, some agreement was reached, as the gents are still cutting hair. Click on this link, and scroll down to “Cut and dried.” Recognize those blokes?

—–
EXTENDED BODY:

—–

Posted in: Best Of
Squeezed on:
Updated: