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(No, not in the book.) Warning: This post is not suitable for children. And The Juice isn’t just saying that to pique your interest. You will not believe this woman’s hiding place. As reported by The News-Press:

A Pompano Beach woman is in custody at the Lee County Jail for possession of a counterfeit driver’s license and a fraudulent credit card, which she allegedly hid inside her vagina.

Shazam!

According to the Lee County Sheriff’s Office, Ann Marie Hernandez,46, was arrested during a traffic stop on Interstate 75 on Friday night when deputies discovered thousands of dollars in items bought with a fraudulent credit card aboard her vehicle.

Members of the Highway Interdiction Unit pulled her vehicle over at about 7 p.m. Upon making contact with the driver, the detective immediately noticed the vehicle was full of high-end power tool equipment, some of which still had security tags attached.

As the investigation unfolded, a detective determined the items were recently purchased at a Cape Coral Home Depot using a fraudulent credit card account.

Home Depot was contacted and Citibank confirmed the fraudulent transactions totaling more than five-thousand dollars. Nearly half of the fraudulent items purchased were recovered during the traffic stop.

Yeah. Yeah. But how do you get from there to …

After a female deputy was called to the scene, Hernandez admitted to concealing a fraudulent credit card and fraudulent Florida driver’s license inside her vagina.

Say what? Having gone to the trouble of concealing the items in this manner, it’s unlikely Ms. Hernandez would have just fessed up. So? For now anyway, it’s a mystery.

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Now remember, we’re talking about a new iPad, not just any old iPad … From a report in the Global Times …

A teenager in China sold one of his kidneys to buy an iPad 2 [it was new then] …

A kidney!!!!!

The 17-year-old boy, identified only by the surname Zheng, searched the internet and found a buyer who was willing to pay 22,000 yuan ($3400) for the organ.

Without telling his family of his plans [“Oh mom, dad – I’m going to sell my kidney for an iPad 2. Back in a bit.”], he travelled north from his home in the eastern Anhui province to a hospital in the city of Chenzhou in Hunan province, where he was operated on under the supervision of a kidney-selling agent.

Whew. At least it was supervised …

His mother’s suspicions were aroused when her son returned home with an iPad 2 and an iPhone, and Zheng, who was left with a deep red scar from the surgery, was forced to admit what he did.

Wo there. An iPhone too? That changes everything!

She took him back to Chenzhou to report the crime, but the contact numbers the kidney agents gave Zheng were not working. The hospital, which admitted contracting out its urology department to a businessman, denied any connection with the kidney-removal operation.

On to another town. Yikes.

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Did you know that eight is a very lucky number in China. Know why? Per the BBC:

The number eight is considered auspicious in China because it sounds similar to the word for “to make money”.

There are five Chinese guys who are most likely cursing the number eight right about now. Here’s why:

A Beijing court has jailed and fined five men for fighting over a “lucky” licence plate containing the auspicious number 8888, Chinese media report.

License plates are issued a little differently in China than they are in the States.

The men used knives and clubs to beat anyone who came near a machine issuing the number plates at a Beijing vehicle registration centre, Beijing News said.

The incident occurred in July last year as number plates ending with the numbers “8888” were about to be issued, the reports said.

Several people were injured, one of them seriously, it added.

That’s the crime. The time?

Three men were sentenced to one year in jail. All were ordered to pay $8,000 (£5,000) to compensate the victims.

The ringleader, identified only as Xu, had paid four accomplices 10,000 yuan ($1,500) to guard the machine.

Here’s a suggestion for a vanity plate: H8TE 8.

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This simple plan failed in the execution (of the plan, not the flies …). As reported in The Nanjing Morning Post:

Police in Nanjing, Jiangsu province, recently arrested three men who cheated restaurants of money after putting dead flies in their food.

Wu, Wang and Zheng, all in their 20s and jobless, extorted money from three restaurants using this modus operandi, threatening to smash the eatery if they are not compensated.

Smash the joint? Crude, but definitely faster than filing a lawsuit. So how were they caught?

They were arrested after a restaurant owner spotted them putting a fly in their food and phoned the police.

Should have eaten the evidence …

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Ieshuh Griffin of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, surely must believe in the old adage that “there is no such thing as bad publicity.” Otherwise, why would this candidate for the Wisconsin state assembly want to place the words “not the whiteman’s bitch” next to her name on the ballot?

Snap! She may want to use those words (she can pick 5 words to go next to her name on the ballot), but will she be allowed to? Almost, but … nope. As reported by www.CBS58.com:

After first saying she couldn’t use the phrase on the grounds that it’s obscene and derogatory, the state’s Government Accountability Board voted 3-2 Wednesday to allow it. However, four votes were needed for the reversal, so as of now, Griffin will only have “independent” next to her name on the ballot.

Griffin denied a request from CBS 58’s Eric Rucker to do an on-camera interview, but defended her slogan over the phone.

“Not, the whiteman’s bitch and whiteman’s bitch is in quotations,” said Griffin. “It’s not geared towards a person. The whiteman is a compound word put together. A bitch is a dog or a rollover. I’m making a statement that says, I’m not an average politician.”

True.

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Sure, there are more than 1,344,000,000 people in China, but we’re still talking about a boatload of corruption. As reported by crienglish.com:

Chinese disciplinary organs have punished 881,000 officials for misconduct from July 2003 to December 2008, the Communist Party of China (CPC) Central Commission for Discipline Inspection (CCDI) said on Wednesday.

The Juice is wondering how many people they needed to investigate the “852,000 cases of corruption, commercial bribes, and other discipline or law-breaking activities” that were involved. Were crimes committed?

… 24,718 of them had been transferred to judicial organs to wait for criminal charges …

No doubt these folks will be thinking about Zheng Xiaoyu. …

… former food and drug administration head Zheng Xiaoyu … Zheng was executed in 2007 for taking 6.49 million yuan (about 889,000 U.S. dollars) in bribes, and for dereliction of duty.

So he wasn’t a public official, but can you imagine what would happen to a Chinese Madoff? Here’s the story.

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Why would prisoners be forced to play computer games? In a word: cashish. (Money). As reported by The Guardian:

As a prisoner at the Jixi labour camp, Liu Dali would slog through tough days breaking rocks and digging trenches in the open cast coalmines of north-east China. By night, he would slay demons, battle goblins and cast spells.

Liu says he was one of scores of prisoners forced to play online games to build up credits that prison guards would then trade for real money. The 54-year-old, a former prison guard who was jailed for three years in 2004 for “illegally petitioning” the central government about corruption in his hometown [wow – you get paid for that in the States], reckons the operation was even more lucrative than the physical labour that prisoners were also forced to do.

“Prison bosses made more money forcing inmates to play games than they do forcing people to do manual labour,” Liu told the Guardian. “There were 300 prisoners forced to play games. We worked 12-hour shifts in the camp. I heard them say they could earn 5,000-6,000rmb [£470-570] a day. We didn’t see any of the money. The computers were never turned off.”

Maybe the work was virtual, but the punishment related to it was very real.

“If I couldn’t complete my work quota, they would punish me physically. They would make me stand with my hands raised in the air and after I returned to my dormitory they would beat me with plastic pipes. We kept playing until we could barely see things,” he said.

You can read more (a fair amount) here.

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You have to give the lady credit. It was an interesting approach to getting your bond reduced. But did it work? As reported by The Florida Sun Sentinel:

Felicia Underwood faced a $76,000 bond when she made her first court appearance before Judge John “Jay” Hurley Monday during a particularly interesting docket of cases.

Underwood, 38, was charged by Fort Lauderdale Police with distributing/delivering cannabis and trafficking in more than 10 and less than 200 grams of MDMA, a drug that is also called phenethylamines in a state statute.

Underwood told the judge she did not know what phenethylamines are. She also told Hurley she has two jobs and asked for a reduction in the bond amount, for which she would be responsible for 10 percent.

Of course that’s not the novel request. How did the judge respond to this first request?

Hurley ordered a reduced bond of $10,000, but Underwood, who told the judge she had no money and that her mother was not working right now, was hoping she’d get to pay even less to get of jail before her trial.

Wow, from $76,000 down to $10,000? She asked for a reduction, and got a huge one. So what was her next move?

“You can’t make it a little lower, hon?” Underwood seems to say on the Sun Sentinel live stream video.

Say what? You did not just call the judge “hon.”

[Judge] Hurley appears shocked for a moment.

“Did she just refer to the court as ‘honey’?” Hurley asked, while the voice of a woman in the courtroom who was off camera can also be heard asking, “Did she just say honey?”

Yup. So now what?

Said Hurley, “Oh well, hon or honey, it’s all part of the same…Ma’am, I’m going to leave your bond where it is today, alright?”

You’ll find the source, and a video, here.

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So maybe wearing this particular shirt to court was not the best decision Jennifer LaPenta, 19, of Round Lake Park, Illinois ever made. But did it warrant two days in jail? As reported by the Lake County News-Sun:

Associate Judge Helen Rozenburg charged LaPenta with contempt of court for wearing the garment in her courtroom Monday. LaPenta was sitting in the gallery waiting for a friend’s case to be called when the judge called her forward.

What did the shirt say?

“I own the [pussy], so I make the rules.”

So what happened?

Rozenburg asked LaPenta if she thought her shirt was appropriate.

LaPenta said she told the judge that it would have been inapprorpriate had she been the defendant.

Rozenburg immediately sentenced her to 48 hours in jail and had her cuffed, LaPenta said.

Why wear that shirt?

LaPenta said that she had been at a gym Monday when her friend asked her for a ride to the courthouse. She was wearing sweat pants and that T-shirt when she was cuffed and jailed.

LaPenta said she bought the shirt in the gay section of Spencer’s. She said she is openly homosexual and said the judge was a “homophobe” for putting her in custody for wearing the shirt.

“I’m shocked that the judge took the actions she did. She could have asked her to remove her shirt or leave the courtroom,” said Peter Kalagis, LaPenta’s attorney. “To me, that was an extreme action.”

LaPenta said the judge did not give her an opportunity to turn her shirt inside out or exit the courtroom.

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As long as drunk people are not driving or hurting anyone, why not cut them some slack? This drunk gent was not the beneficiary of any such slack. What did he do? As reported at tcpalm.com:

It could be argued that a majority of Fort Pierce residents sleep on beds. Pedro Garcia, however, broke with convention, choosing to slumber on (not in, but on) a local man’s car, according to a recently released arrest affidavit.

You read that correctly – “on” a car, and “arrest.”