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Your boat breaks down in the middle of nowhere. But wait, help is on the way … or is it? Well, sort of. As reported by The Florida Sun-Sentinel:

Boynton Beach TowboatU.S. captain Timothy R. Pooler was dispatched to rescue two men in a disabled boat 25 miles off Delray Beach.

But the rescue operation Thursday evening suffered some irregularities, according to the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission. Pooler, 63, arrived drunk, four hours after being dispatched, and for several hours towed the disabled boat around in circles.

Doh!

At dawn, he asked the men, Lionel Casey and Lewis Dames of Fort Lauderdale, to drive his tow boat, which then ran out of fuel. Casey and Dames took fuel from their boat, which regained power after the engine had cooled sufficiently.

And they lived happily ever … um, not so fast.

So they towed Pooler’s boat. Until they decided to cut him loose.

Well, that was cold. Maybe not unreasonable, but still cold. And then?

Then their boat broke down again.

Hmm. Karma?

About 12 hours after their initial breakdown, a second tow boat delivered the men to shore — in Jupiter, 30 miles north of their departure point. The FWC picked up Pooler, who admitted that he was drinking and should not have reported for duty as a tow boat operator, and charged him with drunken boating.

All arrived home safely. It could have been a lot worse, like if the Captain was a tow truck driver. Here’s the source.

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Maybe she isn’t quite a cougar, which is why The Juice used the word “cougar-esque.” Anyway, it wasn’t your normal hook-up, as reported by The Gainesville Sun:

A Hampton man was arrested on a lewd and lascivious charge on allegations he engaged Tuesday in a sexual act with a drunken woman at a public park on Lake Santa Fe in Melrose.

Ohhh! “Lewd and lascivious.” Tell me more.

Meanwhile, the woman with whom he engaged in the act was so intoxicated she was taken to the hospital and will be charged via a sworn complaint, Alachua County sheriff’s spokesman Art Forgey said.

No, you won’t learn what the “act” was.

The incident occurred about 2:14 p.m. at the park at 25500 Davonia St. An arrest report states the 35-year-old woman, who is from Keystone Heights, was extremely intoxicated and fell off a bench.

Enter our hero …

The 19-year-old man came out of the water to assist the woman, and they engaged in a sexual act that went on for several minutes until someone stopped them, the report states.

Again with the “act”!

Several people were present, and the act was witnessed by a 12-year-old, the report states.

Here’s the source.

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Is there anyone who doesn’t know that 911 is just for emergencies? The Juice is guessing this dude knew, but was not deterred from calling it an absurd number of times. What stopped him? As reported by The Santa Cruz Sentinel:

From July 30 to Tuesday, Nathan Jarvie, 33, called 911 to chat with dispatchers and officers about nonemergency things such as dirt, overpopulation and other random things, Watsonville Sgt. Tony Magdayao said.

“It’s pretty common sense that if somebody calls in excess of 100 times, I think it’s time for law enforcement to take action against them,” Magdayao said.

Yikes. So what happened?

Officers arrested Jarvie on Tuesday afternoon on a misdemeanor charge of harassing calls to 911.

You’ll find the source here.

(If you like 911 stories, go to any page on Legal Juice, scroll down and enter “911” in the “Search This Blog” box on the right-hand side.)

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What does a police officer in Wales have to do to get fired? As it turns out, more than this gent, although you might have thought otherwise had you read the facts first. As reported by The Telegraph:

An armed police officer who had sex with a married woman while on duty kept his job after arguing that he could still reach his gun because it was attached to his trousers around his ankles.

Bam! You gotta like that argument.

Pc Shaun Jenkins, 36, met the woman while he was on patrol and took her to his house, where they had intercourse as his colleague waited outside for 40 minutes in their car.

At first, there were no consequences. Then he was fired. Then he was reinstated. You can read more (a fair amount) here.

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(No, not in the book.) Warning: This post is not suitable for children. And The Juice isn’t just saying that to pique your interest. You will not believe this woman’s hiding place. As reported by The News-Press:

A Pompano Beach woman is in custody at the Lee County Jail for possession of a counterfeit driver’s license and a fraudulent credit card, which she allegedly hid inside her vagina.

Shazam!

According to the Lee County Sheriff’s Office, Ann Marie Hernandez,46, was arrested during a traffic stop on Interstate 75 on Friday night when deputies discovered thousands of dollars in items bought with a fraudulent credit card aboard her vehicle.

Members of the Highway Interdiction Unit pulled her vehicle over at about 7 p.m. Upon making contact with the driver, the detective immediately noticed the vehicle was full of high-end power tool equipment, some of which still had security tags attached.

As the investigation unfolded, a detective determined the items were recently purchased at a Cape Coral Home Depot using a fraudulent credit card account.

Home Depot was contacted and Citibank confirmed the fraudulent transactions totaling more than five-thousand dollars. Nearly half of the fraudulent items purchased were recovered during the traffic stop.

Yeah. Yeah. But how do you get from there to …

After a female deputy was called to the scene, Hernandez admitted to concealing a fraudulent credit card and fraudulent Florida driver’s license inside her vagina.

Say what? Having gone to the trouble of concealing the items in this manner, it’s unlikely Ms. Hernandez would have just fessed up. So? For now anyway, it’s a mystery.

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Now remember, we’re talking about a new iPad, not just any old iPad … From a report in the Global Times …

A teenager in China sold one of his kidneys to buy an iPad 2 [it was new then] …

A kidney!!!!!

The 17-year-old boy, identified only by the surname Zheng, searched the internet and found a buyer who was willing to pay 22,000 yuan ($3400) for the organ.

Without telling his family of his plans [“Oh mom, dad – I’m going to sell my kidney for an iPad 2. Back in a bit.”], he travelled north from his home in the eastern Anhui province to a hospital in the city of Chenzhou in Hunan province, where he was operated on under the supervision of a kidney-selling agent.

Whew. At least it was supervised …

His mother’s suspicions were aroused when her son returned home with an iPad 2 and an iPhone, and Zheng, who was left with a deep red scar from the surgery, was forced to admit what he did.

Wo there. An iPhone too? That changes everything!

She took him back to Chenzhou to report the crime, but the contact numbers the kidney agents gave Zheng were not working. The hospital, which admitted contracting out its urology department to a businessman, denied any connection with the kidney-removal operation.

On to another town. Yikes.

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Did you know that eight is a very lucky number in China. Know why? Per the BBC:

The number eight is considered auspicious in China because it sounds similar to the word for “to make money”.

There are five Chinese guys who are most likely cursing the number eight right about now. Here’s why:

A Beijing court has jailed and fined five men for fighting over a “lucky” licence plate containing the auspicious number 8888, Chinese media report.

License plates are issued a little differently in China than they are in the States.

The men used knives and clubs to beat anyone who came near a machine issuing the number plates at a Beijing vehicle registration centre, Beijing News said.

The incident occurred in July last year as number plates ending with the numbers “8888” were about to be issued, the reports said.

Several people were injured, one of them seriously, it added.

That’s the crime. The time?

Three men were sentenced to one year in jail. All were ordered to pay $8,000 (£5,000) to compensate the victims.

The ringleader, identified only as Xu, had paid four accomplices 10,000 yuan ($1,500) to guard the machine.

Here’s a suggestion for a vanity plate: H8TE 8.

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This simple plan failed in the execution (of the plan, not the flies …). As reported in The Nanjing Morning Post:

Police in Nanjing, Jiangsu province, recently arrested three men who cheated restaurants of money after putting dead flies in their food.

Wu, Wang and Zheng, all in their 20s and jobless, extorted money from three restaurants using this modus operandi, threatening to smash the eatery if they are not compensated.

Smash the joint? Crude, but definitely faster than filing a lawsuit. So how were they caught?

They were arrested after a restaurant owner spotted them putting a fly in their food and phoned the police.

Should have eaten the evidence …

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Ieshuh Griffin of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, surely must believe in the old adage that “there is no such thing as bad publicity.” Otherwise, why would this candidate for the Wisconsin state assembly want to place the words “not the whiteman’s bitch” next to her name on the ballot?

Snap! She may want to use those words (she can pick 5 words to go next to her name on the ballot), but will she be allowed to? Almost, but … nope. As reported by www.CBS58.com:

After first saying she couldn’t use the phrase on the grounds that it’s obscene and derogatory, the state’s Government Accountability Board voted 3-2 Wednesday to allow it. However, four votes were needed for the reversal, so as of now, Griffin will only have “independent” next to her name on the ballot.

Griffin denied a request from CBS 58’s Eric Rucker to do an on-camera interview, but defended her slogan over the phone.

“Not, the whiteman’s bitch and whiteman’s bitch is in quotations,” said Griffin. “It’s not geared towards a person. The whiteman is a compound word put together. A bitch is a dog or a rollover. I’m making a statement that says, I’m not an average politician.”

True.

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Sure, there are more than 1,344,000,000 people in China, but we’re still talking about a boatload of corruption. As reported by crienglish.com:

Chinese disciplinary organs have punished 881,000 officials for misconduct from July 2003 to December 2008, the Communist Party of China (CPC) Central Commission for Discipline Inspection (CCDI) said on Wednesday.

The Juice is wondering how many people they needed to investigate the “852,000 cases of corruption, commercial bribes, and other discipline or law-breaking activities” that were involved. Were crimes committed?

… 24,718 of them had been transferred to judicial organs to wait for criminal charges …

No doubt these folks will be thinking about Zheng Xiaoyu. …

… former food and drug administration head Zheng Xiaoyu … Zheng was executed in 2007 for taking 6.49 million yuan (about 889,000 U.S. dollars) in bribes, and for dereliction of duty.

So he wasn’t a public official, but can you imagine what would happen to a Chinese Madoff? Here’s the story.

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