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We’ve all heard a story about someone mistakenly thinking somebody is pregnant. The Juice will wager you haven’t heard of anything remotely similar to this. As reported by TCPalm.com:

A woman told police a dispute began after Jessie Mae Dorsey told her she was pregnant but she said she was “just getting fat.”

Awkward. But okay? Nope, not okay. Here’s how it went down:

“I’ve had five kids, I know how you walk when you’re pregnant,” Dorsey is quoted as saying.

The victim said she was “just getting fat,” and told police Dorsey walked toward her.

“Who the (expletive) are you catching an attitude with,” Dorsey is quoted as saying.

“You,” the victim said.

Dorsey is then accused of lobbing a cinder block chunk at the victim, hitting her head. Dorsey jumped on her, pulled her hair and bit her face.

The man walking with the victim pulled Dorsey off, and Dorsey beat feet.

Um, dude, think you could have jumped in a little sooner? And Ms. Dorsey, you bit her face! After you insulted her!

The victim had teeth marks on her face and bumps on her head.

Dorsey, 46, was arrested [for aggravated battery] March 16 on a warrant stemming from the … fracas … in Fort Pierce.

Go figure.

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unmarked police car

The Juice was going to give the perp the benefit of the doubt on this – like maybe he didn’t know it was a cop’s car – but then he read the rest of the article. Poof! went the benefit of the doubt. As reported by tcpalm.com:

Sheriff’s deputies are looking for a suspect in a burglary to an off-duty deputy’s personal vehicle, according to a news release.

So, you’re thinking, maybe he didn’t know it was a cop’s car. Well …

The vehicle was burglarized Thursday while the off-duty deputy was at the beach at Inlet State Park, according to the release. His department identification, badge and off-duty handgun were stolen, along with his wallet and credit cards.

So, not only did he know, but …

The credit cards were used at the Publix in the Taylor creek Commons Plaza soon after the burglary, according to the release. The suspect was seen wearing a black t-shirt and pushing a shopping cart.

He used the credit cards! Enjoy your freedom, perp. It won’t last. Here’s the source.

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handgun gun firing

Apparently it still is the wild west in some parts of Texas. This goes way beyond standing your ground or protecting your home. As reported by khou.com:

It happened in the 14400 block of Cypress Meadows Drive [in Harris County, Texas]. Investigators said the man was home when three robbers kicked their way into his home. The homeowner grabbed his gun.

These folks picked the wrong door to kick in. Hell, they picked the wrong state.

The homeowner ran outside and shot [and killed] a 47-year-old woman through the window of a car.

In case you missed that, the would-be burglars were fleeing in a vehicle when the homeowner shot and killed one of them. Clearly that fleeing part is a minor detail.

“I totally defend his decision,” said neighbor Doreen Hodgson. “Homeowners are tired of working hard and people feeling you can just take what you worked hard for.”

Investigators said her two partners in crime, both males, escaped in a green Chevy pickup truck.

Fortunately for them, the homeowner didn’t have an AK, or there wouldn’t have been an escape.

Neighbors are hoping this incident will send criminals a stern message. “Think twice,” Hodgson said.

Here’s the source.

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pets key chains live china

Different strokes, right? But you have just have to wonder how someone could think that  this (1) is okay morally (2) looks cool, and (3) will not send you straight to hell. As reported at vegfriends.com:

Yummypets revolts against this new fashion jewelry in China: live animals in a plastic sealed bag containing a liquid with nutrient and oxygen that allows them to live up to 2 months.

Yummypets has signed the petition and encourage you to do the same so that the UN requires the Chinese government to ban the manufacture and sale of amulets and jewelry containing live animals.

You’ll find the petition here.

 

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It stinks when your car breaks down. It really stinks when you borrow someone else’s car, and it breaks down. It really, really stinks when you steal someone else’s car, and it breaks down, and … Per the Colorado Springs Police Department:

Shortly after completing an unrelated call for service, officers pulled up behind a stalled vehicle on Nevada Avenue, just south of Arvada Street, to provide assistance to the motorist.

Protect and serve, right? Just trying to serve …

Two occupants exited the vehicle, with the male driver running away from officers

Now, time to protect …

A suspect description and direction of travel was immediately broadcast, as well as information that a computer check of the vehicle revealed it was reported stolen. Additional officers responded to assist contain the suspect within an area of a few city blocks. A search of the area was conducted with the assistance of our K-9 Unit, which forced the suspect out of hiding. The suspect was arrested without further incident. Further investigation led to the recovery of a second stolen vehicle.

Doh!

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One might think the f-bomb has the power of an a-bomb, the way folks deal with it. Take the recent case of a judge in New York who was not pleased with the shirt an alternate juror was wearing. Per the New York Post:

The shirt in question, worn by 19-year-old alternate No. 3, Nneka Eneorj, as she sat in the front row of the jury box, caught the judge’s eye just as the defendant was about to take the stand. “WHO THE F[UCK] IS KANYE WEST?” the shirt read, the offending obscenity resting just above the wood veneer rail of the jury box.

Manhattan Supreme Court Justice Thomas Farber ordered the other jurors out of the courtroom — directing Eneorj to stand before his bench.

Uh-oh.

“Do you think it’s appropriate to wear a shirt that says ‘f—‘ on it in my courtroom?” the judge asked, anger in his voice.

Based on the reporting, The Juice is unclear. Did the judge say “f—” or “fuck”? If it was the latter, oh no you din’t! Anyway …

When Eneorj started to protest about having a sweater on — not that it covered the front of the shirt — the judge cut her off, demanding, “You’re excused.” “Sounds like a personal problem,” she sniffed of the judge as she walked out of the courthouse, indignantly.

So she’s already an alternate juror, and is not even given the opportunity to turn her shirt inside out? Oh, and here’s some of the testimony from the case later that day:

Officer David London — caught on surveillance tape delivering a violent, 20-blow baton beating to a prone suspect in an Upper West Side lobby two years ago — let at least a dozen “F-bombs” fly as he recounted what suspect Walter Harvin was purportedly threatening as the blows fell. Among Harvin’s shouts, London told the remaining jurors, were, “You can’t take me,” “I’m gonna f—ing kill you,” and, it’s derivation, “I’m gonna f—ing kill you motherf—er.”

And here’s Ms. Eneorj after leaving the courthouse:

“You will not believe what the f[uck] just happened!” she gabbed into her cell phone, as two news photographers snapped away on the sidewalk outside.

Here’s the source, including a photo.

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If something bad happens to a candidate, some voters will feel sympathy for him/her, and will vote accordingly. Nevertheless, it’s crass to play the play the sympathy card even in the event of something serious. But this? Not cool. As reported at HighlineTimes.com (Burien, WA):

Campaign signs for Des Moines Municipal Court Judge Veronica Galvan were vandalized twice over the weekend. The signs, placed along Des Moines Memorial Drive, were cut off their stakes with a blade or sharp implement. Galvanʼs signs were initially vandalized sometime Friday evening. The culprit cut one side off each sign, so only half of each sign was left on the stake. A campaign volunteer replaced the damaged signs on Saturday. Then, on Saturday night, the signs were hit again. This time, both sides of the signs were cut off, leaving only the stakes.

Yeah, this is probably the only case of political signs being vandalized.  But what you clearly fail to understand is that this was not any old vandalism. Take it away judge.

Galvan noted that the manner in which the signs were taken down feels threatening. “This is more than a mere knocking down of signs,” said Judge Galvan. “Someone went to extra effort to send a message.”

Really? You’re going there? The message is that they don’t like you! Maybe you put the person in jail. Who knows, but please, don’t pander for votes off of this. Here’s the source.

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bad seat mate seatmate

Every trip is better when the seat next to you is open, whether you’re on a plane, a bus, or, as in this case, a train. Why was this gent a bad draw as a seatmate? Well, as reported atbrevardtimes.com:

 A 33-year-old Florida man was charged Tuesday with lewd or lascivious exhibition for masturbating in plain view on a passenger train. The defendant, Daniel Michael of Marathon, FL, is accused of exposing himself in front of a young child during the incident.

Yikes.

The Volusia County Sheriff’s Office was dispatched to the Amtrak station just west of DeLand Tuesday morning after the conductor reported the alleged incident to Amtrak authorities. An Amtrak agent called the Sheriff’s Office, saying the train was due in the station in just a few minutes.

When deputies got to the station at 9:16 a.m., the train had arrived and they talked to a passenger in the coach section who alleged that while he was trying to sleep, Michael was masturbating in the seat next to him. The witness said Michael then got up while still exposed and walked down the aisle to the bathroom to finish the act, passing by a small child along the way who appeared to be around 3-years-old.

Think Mr. Michael had an explanation for this? Yup.

According to deputies, Michael’s explanation was that his covers were moving back and forth because his stomach was itchy.  Deputies say that he later acknowledged to them that he might have accidentally ejaculated on the bathroom floor.

An accidental erection followed by accidental ejaculation? Really?

Michael was arrested for lewd or lascivious exhibition in the presence of a victim under the age of 16 and transported to the Volusia County Branch Jail in Daytona Beach.

You’ll find the source, including a mug shot, here.

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It probably went something like this: “Don’t worry, honey. I’ll call my friend the Judge. You’ll be out in no time.” Or not, though the call was made to the Honorable James (“Jim”) Patrick Sharp, Jr., Justice on the First Court of Appeals in Houston, Harris County, Texas. Here’s what happened, from the State Commission on Judicial Conduct’s Findings of Fact:

On January 17, 2012, at approximately 8:00 p.m., Justice Sharp received a telephone call from a family friend informing him that her 15-year-old daughter had been arrested for shoplifting at a department store in Brazoria County.

The friend informed Justice Sharp that her daughter had been taken to the Brazoria County Juvenile Detention Center (hereinafter “Juvenile Detention”). She further informed Justice Sharp that Juvenile Detention staff had advised her that pursuant to standard policy, her daughter would not be released until the following morning.

The friend asked Justice Sharp for assistance in securing her daughter’s early release from Juvenile Detention so that she would not be required to spend the night at the facility.

So what did the Judge do? Plenty.

During all of the calls, Justice Sharp identified himself as a Justice of the First Court of Appeals; he stated that he was calling on behalf of his friend’s daughter (hereinafter the “juvenile”); and he sought information on how to secure the juvenile’s early release from Juvenile Detention.

During all of the calls, Justice Sharp was advised that Brazoria County had a policy that required the juvenile to remain in Juvenile Detention until the following morning, at which time a judge would magistrate her and/or review her case.

Policy? Fuhgeddaboutit!

Not satisfied with the response he had been given, Justice Sharp repeatedly and persistently asked Juvenile Detention staff what could be done to secure the juvenile’s early release, and offered to drive to the facility to magistrate and/or “sign orders to release” the juvenile that night.

First up?

During his conversation with the Assistant Director, Justice Sharp referred to the possibility of Brazoria County being sued for failing to release the juvenile that night, stating: “[Y]our county is going to be sued for hundreds of thousands of dollars for this. You’ll have picked the wrong little girl that has friends in high places to mess with.”

Justice Sharp also stated to the Assistant Director, “Well, I can tell you this, things are about to change in Brazoria County. You guys are a bunch of back woods hillbillies that use screwed up methods in dealing with children and I can promise you this, things are about to change in Brazoria County.”

Charming. Moving right along …

At approximately 10:00 p.m. that night, Justice Sharp telephoned a local District Judge and left a voicemail message advising the judge that a friend’s daughter was being detained in Juvenile Detention, and that he hoped the judge would “make a call” to release her.

Justice Sharp also sent a text message to the District Judge asking if he would call Juvenile Detention to help “get [the juvenile] released tonight.”

Next up?

At approximately 10:30 p.m. that night, Justice Sharp telephoned a Brazoria County Commissioner and left a voicemail message identifying himself as “Justice Jim Sharp in Houston,” and advising the Commissioner that his friend’s daughter had been arrested for shoplifting and was being held in Juvenile Detention.

In his voicemail message, Justice Sharp asked the Commissioner, “What can we do to get that girl out tonight?” Justice Sharp further expressed his opinion there was “no sense” in having the juvenile spend the night in jail, and that, “I need your help. You will probably know who to call to make the keys go open.”

At approximately 11:47 p.m. that night, Justice Sharp sent a text message to the Commissioner, stating as follows: “If I were Brazoria Co. commissioner, I’d be on [the] look out for some serious lawsuits arising from your juvie [sic] facilities. . . You don’t release 15 yrs olds accused of simple shoplifting (bra and jeans) to their parents on the request of an Appeals Ct Justice? Serious problems there, Dude. Call me pronto, please. Justice Jim Sharp.”

Props for being such a good friend?

In voicemail and text messages to the District Judge and the County Commissioner, Justice Sharp made the following statements concerning a Juvenile Detention officer, who Justice Sharp accused of being “rude” to him:

a. The officer was the “most arrogant little prick [he] had ever talked to in [his] life,” and that if he had met with the officer “in person,” the officer would have known that he “had visited.”

b. If he had spoken to the officer “in person,” and if Justice Sharp had been in possession of a “baseball bat . . . that son of a bitch would have been cracked upside the head. Fucking little cocksucker.”

c. “Brazoria County Juvie Folks are [not] just arrogant but ignorant. When an Appeals Court Justice calls and identifies himself and then they refer to me as ‘Mr.’ Sharp, it bespeaks a fundamental misunderstanding of respect and pecking order!”

d. “[S]ome county paycheck functionary . . . call[ing] me ‘rude’ also is totally unacceptable and that stupid asshole need find [a] new job that never has him communicating with appellate court justices. Had I been there personally, it would have been damn ugly for him.”

Yikes.

During this same night, Justice Sharp unsuccessfully attempted to contact a former State Representative, a senior district court judge, and a local criminal defense attorney, all in an effort to secure the juvenile’s early release from Juvenile Detention.

Shazam! Like The Juice said, the Judge was fortunate to only receive a public reprimand. You’ll find the full document here.

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fast food grease cooking

The Juice assumed, as many of you probably did too, that working at a fast food restaurant would turn you off to the food. Kind of like, I don’t know what happens in the kitchen, and I don’t want to know. Well, this worker gives the lie to that notion, as reported by beenews.com (Western New York):

A manager at McDonald’s reported that one of the restaurant’s employees walked out with a package of Canadian bacon, two packages of hot fudge syrup, a package of ranch sauce, seven happy meal toys, six cooked grilled chicken patties and two pounds of cooked bacon.

Woo! The Juice’s stomach is percolating just thinking about downing that haul.