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Lots of people drink too much. Some people go on crime sprees. Not too many people do both simultaneously. Added to the list – a gent from from Wasilla, Alaska. Per The Alaska Dispatch News:

A 27-year-old Fairbanks man faces multiple charges after he robbed a Wasilla coffee stand, pulled a gun on another man, fled from authorities at high speed and drunkenly exposed himself along the Parks Highway, Alaska State Troopers say.

In an online dispatch, troopers wrote that a woman called authorities after she arrived at work around 5:15 a.m. Thursday at the coffee stand, on the Parks Highway at Vine Road. She found a man stealing money and other items from the stand, troopers said.

The woman’s husband confronted the robber, who then pointed a gun at the husband before fleeing in a blue Chevrolet Tahoe, troopers said. When troopers attempted to stop him, the man accelerated to 100 mph; troopers said the pursuit was discontinued near Mile 66 of the highway.

Just before 7 a.m., troopers reported, several people called to report an intoxicated man exposing himself on the side of the highway. When troopers responded, they found 27-year-old Harding Custer, whom they determined was also responsible for the coffee stand break-in and car chase, the dispatch said.

Yikes! Here’s the source.

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You be the judge. Mr. Moyer “was accused of touching the woman’s chest and buttocks in the Toontown area of the Magic Kingdom.” As reported by clickorlando.com:

“I’m not guilty,” Moyer told the judge. “I haven’t, as the prosecution says, molested or grabbed — maybe unintentionally touched, but that’s as far as it went.

The defense [said] that there were nine other people in the room, including Moyer’s family and other Disney employees who are assigned to watch over the characters, and none of them witnessed anything inappropriate.

“The state wants you to believe this man, in front of all these people, molested this woman. No one saw it. It was never caught on camera,” said defense attorney, Zahra Umansky.

For the state of Florida:

Prosecutors said during the trial that photographs show the Disney cast member pushing Moyer’s hands away from her after he touched her.

The woman playing Minnie Mouse said she did not yell for help because she feared that she could lose her job for being out of character. She did report the incident after Moyer left the area, according to investigators.

The verdict? Guilty. The time?

… 180 days of probation, 50 hours of community service and a $1,000 fine. [Mr. Moyer] also must undergo a mental health evaluation and write a letter of apology to the victim.

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If you thought you could find an expert on anything, you would be wrong.  As reported by HurriyetDailyNews.com:

A Turkish judge has taken full responsibility in a pornography case while acquitting the investigation’s suspects after the court failed to find an “expert on artificial vaginas.”

You’re probably wondering why the judge would need such an expert, aren’t you?

Daily Hürriyet learned that the 26-year-old suspect, a businessman identified as Emre Ş, started to import realistic vaginas and other sex toys into Turkey two years ago. The second suspect, 29-year-old Kadir P., published the photographs of the products on his website for marketing purposes.

The Telecommunications Directorate (TİB), however, took action against the men.

Yes, action had to be taken.  If not, who knows. Those things could end up taking over … their owners’ …

The TİB, which was granted the authority to monitor Internet users and block websites and their content without court permission last year, filed criminal complaints against both men. After the investigation, the prosecutor asked the court to sentence both men to between six months and three years in jail, beside a hefty fine, claiming that they committed the crime of “publicizing obscene graphics, texts or remarks.”

That’s not nothing. But …

The Criminal Court of First Instance at the Anadolu Courthouse in Istanbul acquitted both suspects on July 1.

According to the ruling seen by daily Hürriyet, the judge stressed that he evaluated the artificial vagina “with his own general knowledge” because the court failed to find an expert whose specialty covers the domain.

As such, the judge added, Turkey’s criminal law does not specify which products should be considered obscene, which led him to issue the ruling that acquitted the suspects, who had imported the sex toys legally and advertised them with a parental advisory on their marketing website.

Phew. Back to business. Speaking of business …

More than 81,000 websites, most of them pornographic, are currently blocked in Turkey. According to the monitoring website Engelli Web, 93.6 percent of these websites were blocked by the TİB without a court order.

No court order? Sounds a little extra-judicial. Here’s the source.

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Admittedly there aren’t a lot of plausible explanations for shoplifting. Nevertheless, this one is a real doozy.  As reported by The Times and Democrat (Orangeburg, South Carolina):

An Orangeburg woman was charged with shoplifting at the Walmart on North Road.

Walmart Loss Prevention personnel said the woman attempted to take $487 in groceries and merchandise Tuesday.

A deputy spoke with the woman, who said she attempted to leave the store with the items because she was under the impression that the man who was with her earlier paid for the goods, according to a police incident report.

How is that even possible with groceries? Did “the man” bag them too?

 

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The Juice’s middle school teachers were so boring. Such was not the case for a Houston middle schooler. As reported by The Houston Chronicle:

A 42-year-old Aldine middle school teacher who allegedly performed a lap dance for a student on his birthday has been charged with a felony.

Felicia A. Smith, of Spring, is charged with improper relationship with a student, according to a criminal compliant filed in the case.

According to the documents, a Stovall Middle School student told investigators Smith danced for him Feb. 26 in his classroom in front of other students.

He said she placed a chair next to her desk and other students yelled for him to sit down in it. Music began playing and Smith began performing a “full contact lap dance,” according to court records.

The student told investigators Smith sat down in his lap, moved back and forth and touched him all over his body. Toward the end of the dance, according to the documents, the boy said Smith got on her knees and placed her head between his legs.

Happy birthday! You can read a little more, and see a photo of the teach, here.

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A Mississippi state legislator wasted little time in between talking about the crime problem in Jackson to becoming part of it. As reported by wapt.com:

Hours after state Sen. John Horhn hosted a meeting addressing crime problems in Jackson, he was arrested on a DUI charge, police confirmed.

Horhn had called a meeting at the State Capitol earlier in the evening and heard from Jackson residents about crime.

The gent called the meeting! It must not have gone too well.

Horhn was pulled over about 11:30 p.m. Thursday on Beasley Road in front of Callaway High School, a Jackson police official said.

Horhn was booked and released early Friday morning, authorities said.

You’ll find the source, and a photo of the senator, here.

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Back in the time before there were CDs and DVDs, there was videotape. There was also a sportscaster named Warner Wolf whose catch phrase was “Let’s go to the videotape.” Well, if they do that here, this gent’s chances aren’t looking too good. As reported by tcpalm.com:

A corrections deputy charged with misdemeanor battery on an Indian River County Jail inmate has been fired, but he’s seeking his job back, officials at the Sheriff’s Office said.

Mario Pratt was placed on administrative leave Nov. 21 when he was charged with pepper spraying an inmate without justification. After a review by the internal affairs department, the Sheriff’s Office fired Pratt on Dec. 11.

Pratt filed a career services appeal Wednesday, which means his case will be reviewed by a board of deputies at a hearing. That hearing has yet to be scheduled.

So what happened?

The pepper spray incident happened on Oct. 28. Pratt is accused of spraying inmate Michael Dudley Palmer, 21, who was held on drug and theft offenses.

Pratt said the spraying was accidental and happened when he was putting the spray can back in a belt holder, according to a report. He described the discharge as a small amount that didn’t effect Palmer.

And there you were, jumping to all those conclusions when there is a perfectly innocent … wait, there’s some late-breaking news on this story. This just in:

Sheriff’s officials, however, reviewed surveillance video and said they saw the inmate grabbing his face “and staggering away from the area as if exposed to the pepper spray.”

The video also showed Pratt taking out the pepper spray, extending his arm “in a manner consistent with the deploying of the chemical agent, and pointed it toward the area where” the inmate was standing, the report states.

Hmm. Let’s not go to the videotape? You’ll find the source here.

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The Juice is a personal injury lawyer, not a criminal lawyer. Nevertheless, it’s obvious that you can’t steal your own stuff. But you can fake a burglary. The question is, why would you? As reported by The New Hampshire Union Leader:

Police said they responded to the 11 Cranberry Lane home of Theresa Cantella, 25, on Jan. 15 and found her lying at the bottom of a flight of stairs. She said she suffered injuries after interrupting a burglary and was assaulted by an intruder.

Police said in a release that a subsequent investigation did not match evidence at the scene with Cantella’s original statement.

Uh-oh.

During a follow up interview at the Brookline police station, “Cantella confessed she fabricated the story, caused injury to herself and staged the scene at her residence to make it appear as if she walked in on a burglary in progress,” the release said.

Okay. Why would you do that?

She did not give a reason why she fabricated the story, police said.  She was charged with making a false report and is scheduled to appear Feb. 4 in Milford Circuit Court.

Here’s the source, with Ms. Cantella’s mug shot.

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Malcolm Williams came to the Houston County Courthouse to pay some fines and to report to his probation officer. When he emptied his pockets before going through the metal detector, as reported in the Dothan Eagle:

…out spilled two baggies of marijuana along with a wad of cash and a cell phone.

Doh! And you know what else he had on him? A pocket knife and rolling paper. Oops. Deputies tased him, but it didn’t work because of his clothing. Mr. Williams was otherwise subdued and taken into custody, where he is looking at not just probation violation, but a few new charges too.

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Okay, so we’re not talking about the mailman. Surely the newspaper delivery guy is close enough? As reported by ktuu.com:

An Anchorage Daily News deliveryman has been charged with two counts of driving under the influence after his pickup truck slid off the road in Chugiak Wednesday morning — and police found him trying to finish his route in another vehicle.

APD responded at about 6:45 a.m. to a report of a brown Ford pickup with its rear wheels in a ditch creating a traffic hazard at Birchwood Loop and Spruce Crest Drive.

When police arrived, 54-year-old Clifford Johnson was emptying newspapers wrapped for delivery from the pickup into a red Chevy Blazer. Johnson said he’d accidentally backed his pickup into the ditch at about 5 a.m.

In addition to having a strong smell of alcohol on his breath, Johnson was spilling papers onto the ground and had trouble hitting buttons on his cell phone. After field sobriety tests, he was arrested on two counts of DUI — one for each of the two vehicles involved.

“He was just trying to get his papers in,” said APD spokesperson Lt. Dave Parker. “It’s just not something to do intoxicated.”

A breath sample from Johnson yielded a blood-alcohol content reading well over the .08 legal limit, and he was jailed on $250 bail. Both of his vehicles were impounded by police.