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egg_mice.jpgNew Hampshire Federal Judge James R. Muirhead was not amused (okay, he was really amused) when prisoner Charles Wolff included a hard-boiled egg with his request for a better diet. Here is what the Judge had to say, in an Order issued about the filing of the egg:

No fan I am
Of the egg at hand.
Just like no ham
On the kosher plan.

This egg will rot
I kid you not.
And stink it can
This egg at hand.

There will be no eggs at court
To prove a clog in your aort.
There will be no eggs accepted.
Objections all will be rejected.

From this day forth
This court will ban
hard-boiled eggs of any brand.
And if you should not understand
The meaning of the ban at hand
Then you should contact either Dan,
the Deputy Clerk, or my clerk Jan.

I do not like eggs in the file.
I do not like them in any style.
I will not take them fried or boiled.
I will not take them poached or broiled.
I will not take them soft or scrambled
Despite an argument well-rambled.

No fan I am
Of the egg at hand.
Destroy that egg!
Today! today! Today I say! Without delay!

SO ORDERED (with apologies to Dr. Seuss).

Snap. And The Juice was having a bad day.

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As a regular bicycle rider (and commuter), The Juice must confess that, if he lived in Florida, he would be a serial offender of this absolutely ridiculous law. And yes, it’s still on the books.

Title XXIII – MOTOR VEHICLES – Chapter 316 – STATE UNIFORM TRAFFIC CONTROL

316.2065 – Bicycle regulations.

… (7) Any person operating a bicycle shall keep at least one hand upon the handlebars.

Might as well outlaw “things you do for kicks” … Here’s a link to the statute.

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If this is how she treats her sister, The Juice can only wonder how she treats her friends, let alone her enemies … As reported by The Northwest Florida Daily News:

The 15-year-old shared a bedroom with her sister for the last three years, according to the [Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office] report. The sister said she had $2,000 stashed in a hiding place in their room and that the 15-year-old had stolen it.

Do you get the feeling this is not going to end well?

During the argument, the sister admitted that she stole the money and said she had spent it on an Ipod touch and some other items, according to the report.

Uh-oh.

The 15-year-old pushed and slapped her sister during the argument. When the sister pushed her back, the 15-year-old went into the kitchen, grabbed a fork and stabbed her sister in the right side with it, according to the report.

Ouch. While it sounds bad, although it wasn’t a spoon, it could’ve been a knife! With such strong criminal lawyer instincts, clearly The Juice should not be spending his time as a personal injury lawyer.The charges?

The 15-year-old is charged with misdemeanor battery and felony theft of more than $300, according to the report.

Think their family meals will be fun?

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Most of the stuff speaks for itself – but not all of it. Per the Herald-Tribune (Sarasota, Florida):

A homeless man went to court and was arrested on Friday, but the notable part of the story is what he hid from the judge as he stood before him.

The judge sent Neil Lansing to jail, where corrections deputies conducting a routine search in a cell block found part of a condom sticking out of his rectum, the sheriff’s office said.

Conducting those “routine” searches must be a highly sought after assignment.

According to sheriff’s officials: inside the condom they found 17 round blue pills, one cigarette, six matches, one flint, one empty syringe with an eraser over the needle, one lip balm container, one additional unused condom, a receipt from CVS pharmacy and a paper coupon.

A CVS receipt and a coupon? Say what? Adding insult to injury …

Lansing, 33, now faces charges he possessed a drug and a tobacco product inside the Sarasota County Jail. He is being held there without bond.

Click here for the source.

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It’s unclear what it will take for this Maine woman to understand that “911” is for emergencies. Check out the series of events, as reported by The Bangor Daily News:

Shirley Isacson, 66, “placed 10 calls to 911 in just over an hour” Friday, he said. “She was not reporting any type of emergency.”

The calls started at around 4:15 p.m. Friday and after being warned several times to stop calling for help if she did not need it, Isacson was given a ticket charging her with misuse of the emergency 911 system.

Lesson learned? Nope.

At around 10:30 p.m. Sunday, Belfast Police Department officials called Old Town to say they had received a call from Isacson’s number and the woman wasn’t making sense. While en route to her home, Old Town police got a second call from Maine State Police barracks in Orono saying they received a similar call.

You are not going to believe who Ms. Isacson called when the police knocked on her door.

… Isacson called 911 to say police were at the door harassing her …

Nooooo! This time she was just given a warning. Surely that’s it. Nope.

An hour later she called the non-emergency number for the Old Town Police Department and when police arrived …

Wait for it …

… she called 911 to say police were again at the door harassing her.

If you’re wondering when this ends – not yet!

In fact when police told her she was under arrest, “she tried to call 911 again,” Casey said.

Isacson was arrested and charged with misuse of the emergency 911 system and taken to Penobscot County Jail in Bangor, where she remained Monday night, a jail official said.

The Juice is exhausted. Here’s the source.

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Either these gents did an amazing job with their make-up and clothes, or their pursuer was looking through some mega-thick beer goggles, or both. Regardless, he could’ve handled the discovery that the ladies were gents a little better. As reported by The Marco Eagle:

Josue A. Hernandez, 27, of an unknown Immokalee address, according to reports, was at a bar on Boston Avenue in Immokalee when he learned the people he was socializing with and purchased drinks for, which he believed to be female, “were in fact men dressed in women’s clothing,” according to deputies. He then became irate, breaking bottles, starting fights with other customers and causing a disturbance, deputies said.

A large, fixed-blade, hunting-type knife was discovered in Hernandez’s waistband. The knife, which had a wooden handle and a 6-inch blade, was hidden under his shirt, according to reports. The knife is the kind “normally used for the skinning and gutting of deer and other large animals and was in no way a common pocket knife based on its blade length and design,” deputies said.

Fortunately, it appears he kept the knife sheathed. The charges?

Hernandez was arrested shortly before 1 a.m. Saturday and charged with disorderly intoxication and carrying a concealed weapon.

With all that bottle-breaking and fighting, he probably blew his shot at just plain “orderly intoxication.” Here’s the source, including a photo of the accused.

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There’s not enough money in the world … Per The Courier & Mail:

French police say they have arrested a 63-year-old woman who was leading her 40-year-old companion along a busy shopping street by a leash attached to his exposed penis.

The couple were detained on Wednesday afternoon in the southwestern city of Carcassonne and were due to appear in court in April on charges of public indecency.

The couple admitted to being sex addicts and said they were in the middle of a game when arrested, police said on Thursday.

Only in France (until The Juice hears otherwise). And if you do hear otherwise, let The Juice know so he can create a new category (e.g. “Say What?“, “Just Weird“, “Odd Cases“) …

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Crime must be down in Strathclyde (Scotland). Why? Because police there apparently have nothing better to do than to give a man a ticket for blowing his nose! And his car was stopped! As reported by Sky News:

Michael Mancini had stopped his van in traffic and wiped his nose with a handkerchief.

When he moved off, he was pulled over by police who told him he had not been in control of his vehicle.

Mr Mancini, from Ayrshire, was handed a £60 fixed penalty and given three points on his driving licence.

He told Sky News: “I thought they were joking and that it was a wind-up.”

If it is a joke, kudos to the police for letting it play out for so long …

“I was stopped in traffic and had the handbrake on and thought to myself, ‘Ive just got time to blow my nose.’

“Then police pulled me over and I was booked. I genuinely thought they were joking, that it was a wind-up.”

The incident occurred in October, but Mr Mancini has refused to pay the penalty.

Well done, sir!

His solicitor wrote to prosecutors earlier this month explaining the offence could not have occurred because Mr Mancini’s handbrake was on.

But prosecutors replied the next day warning that if the fine wasn’t paid, the case would be taken to court.

Mr Mancini added: “I intend taking this all the way to court. I still don’t believe it actually happened.”

A Strathclyde Police spokesman said: “A 39-year-old man is the subject of a report to the procurator fiscal in connection with an alleged traffic offence on October 26.”

Do you think Mr. Mancini caved? Nope. And the charges were dropped! This will give you some insight into why the ticket was issued. As reported in The Daily Record:

The cop who handed out the ticket was PC Stuart Gray, who has been dubbed PC Shiny Buttons for his zealous approach and attention to detail.

He was exposed last year after issuing a £50 fixed penalty to a man who dropped a £10 note in the street by mistake.

If you want to confirm that The Juice did not make this up, click here for the source.

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It was not a good night for this young lady, who will most likely be looking for a new boyfriend. As reported by the Colorado Springs Police Department:

February 10, 2011 Time: 2:28:00 AM Division: Stetson Hills Title: Disturbance

Summary: Officers were sent to a residential area in close proximity to Sand Creek High School, to investigate a domestic disturbance. A couple had gone to a downtown nightclub and had a good time partying together. On the way home, it turned sour and resulted in the 22 year old male striking his 22 year old girlfriend several times while she drove home.

They continued their trip home while still arguing, the male grabbed the steering wheel causing the demise of the vehicle in which they were traveling. The 2009 Ford Sedan struck a tree, causing extensive damage and minor injury with the deployment of both front air bags.

The male fled the scene, but not before stealing his girlfriends purse. He was apprehended after an extensive search of the area by officers about a mile and a half from the scene. He was made to post bond on the charges of Theft from a Person (Felony) and three Misdemeanors; Reckless Endangerment, Third Degree Assault, and Harassment. Alcohol was a factor with all aspects of this event.

Hmmm. Smacked her a bunch of times while she was driving, caused them to crash into a tree, stole her purse, and then ditched her at 2:30 a.m. Not cool.