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… a turkey baster. This is a good example of why you put things in writing. People rarely think things will go wrong, especially when dealing with friends. But making babies is serious stuff, and should be treated accordingly as the mother in this case now appreciates. As reported by Virginia Lawyers Weekly (via ap):

A woman who used a turkey baster to impregnate herself is on the losing side of a legal battle over parental rights.

You really can’t make these cases up. If you tried, people would say “That’s absurd! That would never happen!”

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monkey
Tarzan was raised by apes, and looked how well he turned out! Case closed! Maybe, but not so fast. As reported by The Grand Island Indepedent (Nebraska):

A situation in which two monkeys were playing with a baby, as shown in a Facebook video, does not violate state standards for child neglect or abuse, said Sgt. James Laudenklos of the Merrick County Sheriff’s Department.

The video was shot in a Merrick County home not far from Grand Island. After seeing the video on Facebook, someone reported it to the state Department of Health and Human Services, concerned about the safety of the child.

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dollar bill paper money
Unless you just don’t follow the news at all, you know about the gent who landed his gyrocopter on the lawn next to the US Capitol. He got that far because he flew under the radar. These two gents also must have been trying to fly under the radar by counterfeiting such a small bill. Otherwise, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Hell, it doesn’t make much sense regardless! As reported by tcpalm.com:

Two Broward County men have been accused of passing counterfeit money at local stores Friday afternoon, said Martin Sheriff’s spokeswoman Christine Christofek.  The men used up to 40 counterfeit $1 bills at Publix in the 2700 block of Southwest Martin Downs Boulevard in Palm City, Christofek said.

Michael Rice, 30, of Fort Lauderdale, is accused of using 14 $1 bills with identical serial numbers inside Publix.  Jacques Michel Desire Jr., 28, of Tamarac, is accused of using 21 $1 bills identical serial numbers at the Publix, reports show.

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bicycycle tire tires wheel wheels
You may think you have a good hiding place, but that’s just visually. That won’t stop it from smelling. Just ask these two cyclists. Per The Tucson Sentinel:

Two Douglas-area teens were taken into custody Friday when Customs and Border Protection officers at the Douglas Port of Entry discovered seven pounds of marijuana hidden in their bicycle tires.

Officers arrested a 17-year old boy and girl when a drug dog led officers to inspect the tires of each bike. They discovered 3.5 pounds of marijuana hidden in the tires of each bike, worth an estimated $3,400 overall, a press release from the agency said.

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car key
Please, please, please just tell The Juice you did not fall for the oldest trick in the book – the “key swap.” Okay, so The Juice had never heard of the “key swap” either. As reported by tcpalm.com:

It sounds like a Hollywood heist. Thieves stole a $55,000 vehicle from the Arrigo Dodge dealership Wednesday afternoon without breaking a sweat or a window.

Maybe Hollywood, Florida, but pretty smooth nonetheless.

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thief
Talk about chutzpah. Check out this burglary, as reported by Sweden’s “The Local” and “Helsingborgs Dagblad”

A thief in southern Sweden took time off during a weekend break-in to surf pornographic websites on a company computer … local newspaper Helsingborgs Dagblad reports.

Here comes the real chutzpah:

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knife
Missy, I am crossing you off my list of babysitters! What did this woman do to deserve such a fate? Plenty, as reported by The Northwest Florida Daily News.

A Crestview woman is accused of picking up a knife and ordering a child she was babysitting to “go outside,” leaving the child afraid and crying.

The child, whose age is not reported, walked .5 miles to a friend’s house, crying and upset, on March 31, according to the arrest report. Okaloosa County Sheriff’s deputies were called around 5 p.m. by the friend’s mother.

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palm tree
A cautionary tale: If anyone offers you flakka, DON’T TAKE IT! As reported by clickorlando.com:

A Florida man believed to be high on flakka, a drug that authorities say is sweeping the state, attacked a Brevard police officer after twice being shocked with a Taser while he repeatedly saying he was God, according to officials.

Kenneth Crowder, 41, of Melbourne, was arrested Friday on charges of battery on a law enforcement officer, resisting with violence and assault with a deadly weapon on a law enforcement officer.

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You can’t make this stuff up. As reported by Counter Current News, and found at MintPressNews.com:

His story quickly went viral after a rural Oregon man was slapped with fines for collecting rain water on his own property. But now, as of last Wednesday, Gary Harrington of Eagle Point, has been sentenced to 30 days in jail and more than $1,500 in fines, all because he had three reservoirs on his own property, that he used to collect and use rainwater.

Harrington says he plans to appeal the conviction in the Jackson County Circuit Court. That conviction revolved around nine misdemeanor charges that come from a 1925 law. That archaic ordinance bans what state water managers called “illegal reservoirs.”

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subway nyc new york city
So often it’s the little things that trip up scofflaws. Take this case, where the gent was busted for a very, very minor offense, and then it kept getting worse. As reported by The Brooklyn Paper’s Police Blotter:

Police arrested an upstate man in Brooklyn Heights on drugs and weapons charges after transit officers stopped the alleged crook for hopping a turnstile on Thursday, according to a report.

A turnstile! That’s $2.75, or $3.00 at the most!