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Unlike some folks out there, The Juice is not about denigrating women. The “dog” in question is actually a dog.

As reported by The Helena Independent Record: At about 11:30 p.m. [on March 1], East Helena police responded to a report of an intoxicated dog being cared for at Smith’s Bar and found Arly II, a Pomeranian or Pomeranian cross, who could not walk a straight line and kept falling over when placed on the floor, according to an affidavit filed by police in District Court.

An intoxicated person who claimed part ownership of the 20-pound dog told police that ]Todd Harold] Schrier [age 49] had given the dog about a “to-go cup of vodka,” police wrote.

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How crazy is this guy? Or, wow, I didn’t know copper prices were that high! As reported by The Salisbury Post (North Carolina):

A thief pulled a fast one on the Department of Corrections Sunday night after police said someone broke into a minimum-security prison, stole copper and escaped.

Ouch. That’s embarrassing.

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Let’s just say this lady does not take criticism well, especially when she’s behind the wheel. What did she do when her husband took exception to her driving? As reported by The Argus Leader (South Dakota):

A Sioux Falls woman tried to run down her husband with a Chrysler New Yorker Thursday night for questioning her driving skills, police say.

Shazam! You might be wondering about the logistics of running someone down for “backseat” driving. The Juice will explain.

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Certainly domestic life often presents challenging situations. But this? As reported by BeeNews.com (New York):

Police responded to a North Seine Drive residence where a 
male and female
 were having an argument about how the pizza had been 
sliced.

Really?

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What the hell was this guy thinking? He had just been released from jail. From the Okaloosa County Sheriff’s office:

A Crestview man released from the Okaloosa County Jail on a domestic violence battery charge Wednesday didn’t even make it out of the parking lot before committing crimes which put him right back in a cell.

38-year old Gabriel Allen Kirkpatrick of Grady Lane in Crestview is charged with four counts of burglary.

Kirkpatrick had just been released March 14th when Okaloosa Sheriff’s deputies say he went into the jail parking lot and started trying to break into cars. In one case, he unscrewed the radio antenna from the exterior and was trying to use it to gain entry.

Kirkpatrick was placed into custody and taken back inside for processing.

Dude! Dude? Here’s the source.

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You’re thinking “of course.” Like most things in life, though, it’s not that simple. Or … is it? Dude got married in Pennsylvania, and years later married his girlfriend in Nevada. Pennsylvania charged him with bigamy, and got a conviction.

Not so fast, said Mr. Seiders. I got married in Nevada, not in Pennsylvania. So, even if I did commit bigamy, it was in Nevada, not here. Case dismissed!

What does the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania think of this argument? Not so much. Being married, it says, is conduct that occurred in Pennsylvania. Case closed!

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So the police will investigate you if your husband merely claims you are using black magic? Apparently so, at least if you live in Kuwait. As reported by the Arab Times:

A Kuwaiti man has filed a complaint with the Adan Police Station accusing his ex-wife of doing black magic. He claims the magic harmed him and his two daughters, reports Al-Rai daily.
 According to the man the woman planted some magic charms in his home to promote hatred between him and his daughters.
 He also said because of the magic he and his daughters are suffering from dermal disease. The suspect will be summoned for interrogation.

Hmm. Perhaps your daughters don’t like you because you’re a yutz? And maybe your daughters have “dermal disease” because they are teenagers? Just sayin’ …

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If these allegations are true … what a great example this Florida school superintendent is setting for her students. As reported by TCPalm.com:

The Florida Department of Law Enforcement is reviewing allegations that Martin County Schools Superintendent Nancy Kline cheated on a certification exam in 2009.

Yikes.

In a memo to School Board Attorney Doug Griffin dated Jan. 22, Kim Sabol, the district’s labor/employment representative, wrote that Terrie Kenney, a former consultant and volunteer with the district, claimed Kline phoned Kenney “for help in answering test questions while taking what Ms. Kenney later learned was a certification examination for the Florida Superintendent Special Certification Program.”

What are the specific allegations?

According to the memo, Kenney reported Kline called from a hotel room, said some of the questions were “really hard” and admitted she didn’t attend all the class sessions leading up to the test.

So like, if you don’t go to class, that makes the test harder? Who knew?

When Kenney suggested Kline call Frank Raffone, the district’s assistant superintendent, for help on some questions, “the superintendent did not say anything in response.”

Kline’s unwillingness to get help from a school official “solidified” for Kenney that the superintendent “knew what she was doing was wrong,” Sabol wrote.

Kline’s defense?

Kenney reportedly suggested to Sabol that Kline’s calls could have been allowed because it was an “open book exam.”

Sabol wrote that she replied, “Terrie, open book, if that is even true, does not mean cheating!”

“These allegations have no credibility – this is nothing more than a smear campaign,” Kline said Monday night.

Speaking of campaigns …

Kline is up for re-election this year, facing a challenge by School Board member Laurie Gaylord.

You can read more (a fair amount) and see a video here.

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It would be misleading, though not totally false, to say this guy walked into a Florida Papa John’s and stole pizza. Here’s what happened, per wptv.com:

Polk County deputies say a man walked into Papa John’s Pizza restaurant, put on a pizza costume, and then walked out of the Lakeland restaurant Sunday evening.

You stole a pizza costume? The Juice is guessing you didn’t know they have video cameras in the store.

Detectives say a white man, perhaps 18 years old, entered the restaurant with six others, wearing a white button-up shirt, dark pants and a dark tie. He put the costume on and left the store wearing it.

The costume is described as approximately six feet tall, and looks like a giant slice of pizza with pepperoni, mushrooms, green peppers and black olives.

Video surveillance shows the images of the suspect and four persons of interest. They are described as three older white males with dark hair. One had a full beard. The fourth person of interest is described as a white female with dark hair.

Here’s the source, including a photo and a video (skip to around 2:35).

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If you’re separated, but still living in the same house, don’t you expect awkward situations? Well, a Pennsylvania man claims, in his defense, that he was just trying to avoid those awkward moments (awkward for him, any way). As reported by the Beaver County Times:

Suzanne Cripe, no age given, of 111 Grays Lane, contacted police Feb. 20 and said she had found a “transmitter device” under her bed, according to a township police report. She told police she thought the device had been placed there by her husband, Wayne Comet Cripe, 66, also of 111 Grays Lane.

The Cripes “have been separated for some time,” and were still sharing a house, but they had separate bedrooms, the police report said.