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Throughout the years since our nation’s inception, the American courtroom has been the stage for some rather formidable legal battles. Marbury v. Madison, Brown v. Board of Education, and Bush v. Gore come to mind. Sometimes, however, it is highly unlikely that some of the biggest match-ups ever make it to the Law School curriculum. Such is the case of a recent Seventh Circuit decision (remember, these Judges are just below the Supreme Court) between two competing individuals: Pull My Finger® Fred and Fartman.

As described by Circuit Judge Wood, Fred “is a white, middle-aged, overweight man with black hair and a receding hairline, sitting in an armchair wearing a white tank top and blue pants.”

In contrast, Fartman “is a white, middle-aged, overweight man with black hair and a receding hairline, sitting in an armchair wearing a white tank top and blue pants.” Did I say “In contrast”? My mistake…

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Okay, so that’s a slight exaggeration, since the sound barrier on land is about 761 mph (it varies with the atmospheric conditions). But perhaps The Juice is in a state of shock after reading that a nun in Italy was busted for going 110 mph! Really, and with 2 other nuns in the car. Why? Well, as reported at news.com.au, they were …

… on their way to visit the Pope after a bathroom fall.

Demon driver Sister Tavoletta, 56, was at the wheel of the Ford Fiesta, while two other nuns aged 65 and 78, who have not been named, were with her when shocked police pulled them over.

When stunned officers asked them why they were speeding, Sister Tavoletta said: “We had heard how the Pope had fallen over and we were on our way to make sure he was OK.”

The nuns were stopped on a dual carriageway at Quincinetto, near Turin – just an hour’s drive from Pope Benedict XVI’s summer holiday chalet at Les Combes.

They had heard that Pope Benedict XVI had slipped and fractured his wrist at the Salesian convent where they live and immediately got into a car to try to visit him.

A Turin police spokesman said: “The officers involved were amazed to see three nuns in the Ford Fiesta when it stopped – it had been clocked at 110 mph.

“Hopefully, Sister Tavoletta will be making sure she confesses her bad driving the next she goes to confession but in the meantime she will have to pay the 375 Euro (A$659) fine she was given.”

Unlikely, since she is fighting the fine (and the one-month suspension she received), having retained “Italy’s best known lawyer in driving cases, Anna Orecchioni.”

She said: “I will be taking this matter before a judge to get the penalty removed and the nun’s licence reinstated.”

Here’s the source.

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When you think of petty crime, what do you think of? The Juice thinks of stealing something of little value. Here’s a petty crime you probably wouldn’t have thought of, out of New York, as reported by northcountrynow.com:

Jon L. Larue, 21, 5701 County Rt. 10, was charged with petit larceny by St. Lawrence County Sheriff’s deputies after they received a complaint from Perry’s Bottle Redemption Center in Oswegatchie.

They told deputies that they had given Larue cash for the seven rolls he brought in, but what he said were dimes were actually pennies.

Query: How do pennies fit in a dime roll? Answer: Not easily.

After charging him with the misdemeanor count, deputies released Larue on an appearance ticket calling for him to be in Oswegatchie Town Court on June 13.

You’ll find the source here.

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In a 6-week span, this New Jersey man was charged with driving while intoxicated FOUR times! Each time, he was charged and released. As reported by The News of Cumberland County (at nj.com):

[Anderson] Sotomayor [age 45] began his alleged traffic crime spree on April 2, when Ulrich said he collided with a school bus. Though not charged with DWI for that accident, he was charged with improper passing, leaving the scene of an accident and failure to report an accident.

And then …

A week later on April 9, Officer Phillip Martinez charged him with DWI on the 300 block of Axtell Avenue after he collided with a police vehicle.

And then …

Two days later on April 11, Officer Luis Rodriguez charged him with DWI after responding to an accident during which Sotomayor had struck a utility pole by the intersection of Main Street and Landis Avenue.

Two days! And then …

Two weeks later on April 25, Officer Adam Shaw charged him with DWI and several other offenses after stopping him by the intersection of Delsea Drive and Park Avenue. He said Sotomayor was swerving and had a cold, opened 40-ounce bottle of Budweiser on the floor behind the passenger seat. Sotomayor asked Shaw to either give him a ride home or follow him home as he drove, an offer which Shaw declined.

Seems like a question only a drunk guy would ask a cop. And then …

Just over two weeks later on Saturday, May 12, officer Adam Shaw again pulled over Sotomayor on the 200 block of Grape Street. Sotomayor refused to take a breathalyzer test and was again charged with DWI. He was released on a summons pending his case in municipal court.

And finally (hopefully) …

… Sotomayor … received his fourth DWI charge on Saturday and was again released without bail, said Captain Thomas Ulrich of the Vineland police department.

And before you go getting mad at the police, they’re not pleased either.

“Bail is a matter for the Court System. The Police Department or its officers do not set bail. In this case, bail was not approved,” responded Ulrich.

Here’s the source, including a mug shot.

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You seriously threatened a judge on the phone, and on Facebook? Brilliant! As reported by Courthouse News Service:

Ezra Osman [age 28] is the ex-husband of Iris Guillen, who works as clerk for 312th Family Court Judge David Farr, according to Harris County court records.

After Osman called the court repeatedly on May 9, Guillen told Judge Farr that Osman was harassing her, records state.

“The judge picked up the extension and told the defendant that if he continued to tie up the phone lines he would be in trouble,” according to the charging document signed by an assistant district attorney. “The defendant then told the (judge), ‘Fuck you, mother fucker. I’m gonna’ come down there and fuck you up.'”

Pure genius, only to be followed by this …

Guillen later showed a Harris County sheriff’s deputy that Osman had made a threatening post on his Facebook page. It said: “Got my ninjas … so heads are going to roll started with that punk ass judge,” according to the assault charge.

Very effective use of social media.

Osman is currently jailed on a $20,000 bond.

Here’s the source, including a link to the charging document.

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As a regular bicycle commuter, it pains The Juice to have to say this, but it’s not looking too good for this fellow cyclist. As reported by The Union Leader:

Police [in Somersworth, New Hampshire] arrested a Maine man riding a bicycle Friday in connection with a bank robbery across state lines.

Noooooo!

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If you don’t recognize the title of the post, go watch “Animal House.” Now. Since you’ve seen the movie, or at least the clip, The Juice can tell you that Dorfman has nothing on these two. As reported by the Volusia County (Florida) Sheriff’s Office:

Volusia County Sheriffs investigators have put the brakes on a two-man vandalism spree believed to be responsible for damage to nearly two dozen vehicles in the DeLand area over the past month. The two people arrested this week by investigators — 20-year-old Keith Dekoeyer and 21-year-old Christopher Jackson — said they were drunk during their escapades, acted out of boredom and for the most part hit vehicles at random.

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Sure, things would go a lot more smoothly for you if you could just pepper spray people who don’t listen to you. But you can’t. Or, can you … Okay, you can, but it’ll cost you, as a Georgia teacher discovered. As reported by 11alive.com:

According to a Macon police news release, officers were called to the Elam Alexander [Academy] … last Friday.

The release says a school video captured [teacher Barbara] Neeley spraying the 14-year-old boy. Police say two boys were disrupting a classroom and Neeley told them to return to their seats.

She warned she would pepper spray them if they didn’t sit down. They didn’t, and police say Neeley sprayed them. One boy closed his eyes and was not affected; the other boy was treated by a nurse and his parents were called to school.

And what happened to Ms. Neeley?

Bibb schools spokesman Chris Floore said Barbara Neeley resigned from Elam Alexander Academy on Wednesday, after school officials completed their internal investigation of the pepper-spray incident. Neeley still faces a charge of cruelty to children, according to Macon police.

Here’s the source.

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It was hard to decide whether to put this story in the “Uncool” or “Gross” category. The Juice went with “Uncool,” though it was a tough call. As reported by The Bastro Enterprise:

A video that went viral on the Internet appeared to show someone in a University of Alabama jacket abusing an unconscious Louisiana State University fan after Alabama beat LSU for the BCS football championship, Jan. 9.

Downing, of Smiths Station, Ala., was later booked on charges of sexual battery and obscenity. He was videotaped Jan. 9 “placing his genitals on an LSU fan’s face. The LSU fan appears to be heavily inebriated and practically unconscious,” a police statement said.

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It is abundantly clear that you just don’t mess with Malone. That dog can flat-out smell, as a gent with a full cavity discovered. As reported by kvia.com (El Paso, Texas):

The seizure was made at approximately 1:30 p.m. Monday at the Paso Del Norte pedestrian crossing. A 35-year-old U.S. citizen from El Paso entered the port from Mexico and was selected for a secondary exam by CBP officers. CBP drug sniffing dog “Malone” alerted to the man. During the course of an interview with CBP officers the subject admitted that he had heroin concealed within his body. The subject removed a single oval shaped pellet from an internal cavity. The contents of the 136 gram bundle tested positive for heroin.

CBP officers took custody of the subject and turned him over to U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement HSI special agents for arrest. Federal prosecution was accepted and HSI agents booked the subject, Paulo Alfredo Macias, into the El Paso County Jail where he is currently being detained without bond.

“From an internal cavity …”? Why not just say it was in his anal cavity, or his anus, or his butt? Is there any other plausible “internal cavity” other than the one he used to fess up? You’ll find the source here.