Legal Juice

This one is just really strange. Per wtol.com:

Bellevue Police Captain Matt Johnson says Art Price, Jr., 40, was seen on four occasions between the hours of 10:30 a.m. and noon having sex with his picnic table.

Holy shiznit! So what charge is Mr. Price looking at? A felony!

What makes this a felony, Johnson says, is that it took place in close proximity to a school, which made it likely that children could have seen Price.

And if all that isn't bad enough, a neighbor videotaped the latest incident. Said Police Captain Johnson,

Once you think you've seen it all, something else comes around.

Here's the source.

And that headline is not hyberbole. As reported by the AP:

Law officers in western Kansas are investigating the bizarre case of a woman they say sat on her boyfriend's toilet for two years.

TWO YEARS! What would you think happens to your body under those circumstances?

The sheriff said the woman's muscles had atrophied and that medical personnel had to remove her from the toilet because she was bound to it by "natural means."

So, the obvious question: What kind of boyfriend would let his girlfriend sit on a toilet for 2 years without getting her help? Answer: A dude who said that, hey, she stayed in the bathroom of her own free will. Legally, what's going to happen to the "worst boyfriend over a two-year period" ever?

Sheriff Whipple said his office may charge the boyfriend with mistreatment of a dependent adult.

Sitting on his toilet for 2 years? I'd say that definitely made her "dependent" on him. If you are really bored, you can read the Kansas statute here to see what you think. Click here for the story.

I'm having a hard time thinking of anything that compares to what brothers Nicholas and Alexander Grunke were planning on doing. They saw a young lady's picture with her obituary (I think you have an idea where this is going), and thought she was attractive. So, naturally, they decided to dig her up and have sex with her corpse. Fortunately, things did not go as planned. As reported at investigation.discovery.com,

On the night of Sept. 2, 2006, a concerned citizen called the Grant County Sheriff's Department and reported a suspicious vehicle that was parked by the St. Charles Cemetery. When Officer Brent McDonald arrived on the scene, he observed Alexander Grunke walking towards the vehicle. According to the criminal complaint, Grunke was sweating profusely and appeared to be nervous.

Oh, and somehow, the brother managed to convince a friend, Dustin Radke, to help them.

"Complainant is informed by Sgt. Kopp's report that Radke informed him that he had brought Nicholas Grunke to the Cassville Cemetery the first part of the week, that Nick wanted to come down and locate L.T.'s grave, that Nick asked him to help him dig up L.T.'s body so that he could have sexual intercourse with her, that Nick wanted to take her back to a pre-selected location behind his house, that he did assist in digging up L.T.'s gravesite, and that they had stopped at Wal-Mart in Dodgeville on the way down and bought condoms because Nick wanted to use them when he had sex with a corpse," reads the Sept. 5, 2006 criminal complaint filed by Chief Deputy Jack Johnson.

The charges? Attempted theft and attempted sexual assault. The defense? No sexual assault because the victim was already dead. Did the Judge agree? He did, and his decision was upheld on appeal, but the state appealed that decision to the Wisconsin Supreme Court. Guess how many states have a law that specifically bans necrophilia? Just 16 (and Wisconsin isn't one of them). You can read more (a fair amount) here.

If your dog is looking over your shoulder, be warned that this story may really disturb her. Hell, it really disturbs me. As reported by Kansas station KAKE:

Police make an unusual arrest Tuesday evening. A woman in the 3700 block of E. Clark heard someone break into her garage. When she went to check on the noise, she says she found a man sexually assaulting her four year old female rottweiler.

Police arrested Josh Coman, 20, for aggravated burglary of a home and criminal sodomy. Coman pleaded guilty last year to a similar crime involving a dog in Reno County. Police say the state's new Magnum's Law, designed to protect animals from abuse, does not cover sexual assaults. However, state law prohibits sexual contact between humans and animals.

Authorities say Coman knew the family of the dog he reportedly attacked. Investigators plan to present their case to the District Attorney later this week.

A serial dog cornholer? Dude has some serious issues (not that a one-timer doesn't ...) Here's the source.

That would be Steven Saleh's Washington, DC apartment. Via Craigslist, Mr. Conklin came down from New York to crash there. Two days later, he was lying dead on Mr. Saleh's living room floor. The cause? Acute intoxication - a mixture of alcohol and oxy.

Several days later, per The Washington Post, Dean Johnson arrived from New York to comfort Mr. Saleh. The next day, Johnson died in Saleh's apartment of ... acute intoxication. Per the Post:

As for Johnson, the office said, the tests showed that his fatal intoxication was caused by a combination of oxycodone and four other prescription drugs: clonazepam, an anti-anxiety medication with the brand name Klonopin; amitriptyline, an antidepressant sold as Elavil; ramelteon, a sleep aid marketed as Rozerem; and tramadol, a painkiller sold as Ultram.

What have the authorities concluded? No evidence of wrongdoing by Saleh. And his life's not going so well, either. He suffers from a disabling illness that causes chronic pain and fatigue. You can read more here.

Megan, a 13-year-old St. Louis girl, was being harassed online. Turns out the 16-year-old harasser, "Josh Evans," who initiated things by contacting Megan on MySpace, was the creation of the parents of Megan's former best friend. Over the course of 6 weeks, "Josh" said some nasty things, including that Megan was "fat" and a "slut." The last posting was too much for Megan, who suffered from depression. It said: The world would be a better place without you. Soon thereafter, Megan hung herself.

So is it a crime, what these wicked folks did to a young girl? Apparently not. Investigators are still looking for a crime a year later. Seems that the federal law enacted to prevent cyberharassing punishes direct messages, not postings. And in case you weren't outraged enough, The Chicago Tribune reported "another neighbor as saying the parents encouraged their daughter 'to join in the joke' of the Josh Evans ruse. These 2 were meant for each others. On the bright side, though the paper hasn't identified them, everyone in town knows who they are. So they will pay some price, even if not at the hands of the law. Click here to read The Chicago Tribune article.

Call Guinness Book. At least I've not read about an older streaker. As reported in the Irish Independent:

Police in Duisburg, Germany are becoming rather irked with a serial streaker.

They hauled him into court after he streaked during a girls' football match. But they were rather surprised when, during the adjournment the man removed his clothes again.

It appears he views himself as a living work of art. Given that he is 60, it’s presumably abstract art.

(My sources tell me that the man received funding from President Bush's abstinence program.)

The store, that is. I don't understand what drives a foot fetishist, though when I think about the sweet, gentle curve of the arch, the juicy meat of the big toe ... oh, sorry. Anyway, I don't know what Robert James, Sr. of Montgomery County, Pennsylvania was thinking when he went to Target, posing as a podiatrist. He identified himself as a doctor, and asked a woman what kind of shoe she was wearing because he was concerned about her arch support.

In furtherance of his Hippocratic oath, Dr. James got on his knees and "began to manipulate her toes and touch her foot" according to Officer Patrick Malloy. Then the jig was up. The woman told Target's security about the good doctor. They found Mr. James in his car. He was [cover your kid's eyes] playing with himself. What did the fuzz do? "Um, sorry to interrupt you, doctor..." No, they hit him with charges of indecent exposure and open lewdness. And surely he was charged with foot fondling? Nope. It's not a crime in Montgomery County, Pennsylvania! Perhaps coincidentally, next year's FLAP convention (Foot Lovers and Podiatrists) will be held in ... Montgomery County, Pennsylvania. [not]

Choppers, choppers, choppers. Eric White, 42, of Edinburgh, Scotland, just can't get enough of the pearlie whites. He roamed the city streets, telling women that he worked for a dental company, and wanted to photograph their teeth. And he didn't just roam the streets in search of worthy teeth. In 2004, he drove alongside a woman, flashing his lights and beeping his horn to get her to pull over. As reported in The Scotsman:

When she did so, he told her about his work for a dental company, commented on her "beautiful teeth" and asked if he could photograph them for a dental magazine. She initially agreed, but became suspicious and left when he told her she had a "sexy mouth" and a "beautiful tongue". He repeatedly approached her until she finally reported him to the police in March 2006 when he reappeared at her new home in Newtongrange.

Although he wasn't prosecuted for that one, there were plenty of others. Mr. White was arrested for breach of the peace by placing three women in a state of fear and alarm. He pleaded guilty, and is awaiting sentencing. You can read more by clicking here for The Scotsman article.

It's Valentine's Day, and your girlfriend wants to tie you up. What the hell, you figure, and you agree. If your girlfriend is Tiffany Sutton, you have just made a huge mistake, as Robert McDaniel learned - the hard, bloody way. No worries for her, though, because she had him sign a release beforehand! Brilliant! It probably didn't help that they had both smoked meth and consumed a 6-pack of beer, and 1/2 a bottle of whiskey.

Back to the blood. After tying him up, she cut his leg, and [ouch!] stabbed him in the back, neck, abdomen and ... through his arm! Then, as reported in The Arizona Republic, she drank some of his blood. When McDaniel escaped, Sutton chased him with a pickax. Then he passed out.

What happened to McDaniel and Sutton? He was okay. She got busted. And what did she have to say to the court? "I'm sorry for everything. I didn't mean to hurt anybody." Really? Was that the pickax of love you were carrying? For more details, click here.

You won't hear Dwayne Goff talking about the "spirit" of the law. The letter of the law will do just fine, thank you. See, he used to work in a hospital, for a company that disposed of, among other things, body parts. Using his cell phone, he took a picture of some toes, and made a video of a co-worker manipulating a leg. As reported in The West Australian:

Police alleged that during the footage of the leg, which was played to Magistrate Elizabeth Woods but not the rest of the court, Mr Goff was heard to say “It’s a f…… knee-cap. Meaty”. Mr Goff claims he said “a bit of meat”, not “meaty”.

The charges? Interfering with and making indignant comments about human remains. The charges seem pretty solid, right? Nope. Goff's lawyer argued that the law deals with a "dead human body or human remains." Since the toes and leg were most likely amputated from a live body, argued the lawyer, the statute doesn't apply. Did the judge agree? He did, saying that the law must be construed strictly, else it could be applied to donated blood, sewage, or a baby's tooth. Me thinks that's a bit of stretch, Meaty, though I do agree with the judge.

Why would Mr. Goff, whose employer said he was a good worker, do this? He wanted the photo and footage as "memorabilia," and to see if his friends could stomach what he does. Crikey! You can read more here.

This Thomas Blacine is one weird dude. (Though that is apparently urine in the photo below, it's not Mr. Blacine.) He has been breaking into women's homes, naked, and tickling them while they sleep. And videotaping them while they sleep. And peeing in at least one woman's milk container!

Now he obviosly likes the way Linda Combs looks while she's sleeping - because he's hit her house twice! "I felt something on my leg and thought it was my cat and I look up and it was this naked guy, and he ran again," said Ms. Combs. Surely she must be able to describe him?

"Well, not really. I would recognize him more if there was a shot of his skinny, white butt. The second time he was naked as could be."

I doubt a butt line-up would withstand judicial scrutiny. What was Mr. Blacine charged with? Tampering with a consumer product (yummy) and burglary. For more on the naked, urinating, tickling burglar, including a photograph of Mr. Blacine, click here.

So Shelley Gallant was approaching the 12-mile mark of the Chicago Marathon last Sunday when, out of the blue, a man she didn't know "came out of nowhere" and sucker-punched her in the face! And she crumbled to the ground. She stopped running right? Nope. She sat down, dazed, for about 30 minutes, and then ran another 8 miles before the race was terminated due to the heat. Oh, and she vomited 4 times. Tough lady. Does she want revenge? Nope. Said Ms. Gallant:

I don't want to press charges. I just want to know what happened. Was he out of his mind? Why did he do that to me?

And what did police tell Mr. Gallant, who was at the race but did not see the attack? Only that the attacker "was apparently low on electrolytes." Gee, thanks officer. Here are a few comments from runners who witnessed the attack:

We were running on the left side of the course when, suddenly, a runner on the other side of the course turned around and starting running in a curve towards our side of the course. He was wearing a red top and looked to be in his 20's. He was yelling and screaming, and, without warning, ran up to a young woman, running nearer our side of the course, and punched her in the face. It was a wild hay maker that connected. She had no chance to defend herself and anyone with her would have had no way to protect her. She went down. In the few seconds it took for us to reach her, some runners had grabbed the berserk young man and others were giving aid to the young woman, who was in tears and utterly distraught. We saw no sign that she could have done or said anything to him that would trigger such a violent reaction...Pat Dooley, Cleveland

It was pretty appalling. What I distinctly recall is that he was running against the crowd as if to find someone behind him. He looked angry and was zigzagging around the runners. It seemed like this poor woman got in the way and within a second of crashing into her, he just punched her and she went down. He kept running and was tackled within 10 seconds or so. Once the cops arrived and the guy was restrained, he was crying....Martha-Victoria Diaz, South Loop

It was extremely strange...Either the guy lost his mind because of the heat, was off his meds, or was upset about something this woman did and attacked her. Anyone know what happened to this guy?....Ryan McQueeney, LaGrange Park

To read more, click here.

(The above scene from "Diner" involves something else that ended up in some movie popcorn.) Sagrado Martinez took her kids to a movie in Tucson, Arizona. Little did she know that this would be a movie experience she would never forget - but not because of the movie. Everything was good, until she took a bite of popcorn, and bit into a razor blade! She was treated at the hospital for a cut to the palate of her mouth, and had to get a tetanus shot. Now - how the hell did a razor blade end up in a bag of popcorn? Is she going to sue? She's thinking it over. There's more (not much) here.

Remember the neighborhood kid who used to stick a firecracker in a tadpole's mouth and light it? Or the kid who smeared lightning bugs on each fingernail and proudly held up his hands? No? (And no, it wasn't me!) Anyway, that kid would have felt right at home at the annual fiesta in Sagunto, Spain. The fiesta featured one strange tradition. In honor of the local patron saint, revellers would fight over specially-bred ducks that have had their wings clipped and can't fly. Guess what happens to the ducks? They are torn to pieces, literally. The Supreme Court has banned the tradition, calling it a "bloody spectacle." You can read more (not much) here.