Legal Juice

Actually in the United Kingdom, what Americans call potato chips, they call "crisps." The burning question before a UK High Court judge was: Are Pringles "crisps" or not? Why is this important? Because if they are crisps, they get taxed at 17.5%! If not, they are exempt from the tax, as is most other food. So what was the decision?

Judge Justice Warren said Pringles' "unnatural shape", distinctive tube packaging, and non-potato ingredients meant that the snack could not be classified as a crisp.

The ruling yesterday pointed out that Pringles – who are most famous for their irritatingly catch adverts "once you pop, you can't stop" – contain corn flour, wheat starch, maltodextrin, emulsifier, rice flour and dextrose, and just 42 per cent potato content.

So Shelley Gallant was approaching the 12-mile mark of the Chicago Marathon when, out of the blue, a man she didn't know "came out of nowhere" and sucker-punched her in the face! And she crumbled to the ground. She stopped running right? Nope. She sat down, dazed, for about 30 minutes, and then ran another 8 miles before the race was terminated due to the heat. Oh, and she vomited 4 times. Tough lady. Does she want revenge? Nope. Said Ms. Gallant:

I don't want to press charges. I just want to know what happened. Was he out of his mind? Why did he do that to me?

We were running on the left side of the course when, suddenly, a runner on the other side of the course turned around and starting running in a curve towards our side of the course. He was wearing a red top and looked to be in his 20's. He was yelling and screaming, and, without warning, ran up to a young woman, running nearer our side of the course, and punched her in the face. It was a wild hay maker that connected. She had no chance to defend herself and anyone with her would have had no way to protect her. She went down. In the few seconds it took for us to reach her, some runners had grabbed the berserk young man and others were giving aid to the young woman, who was in tears and utterly distraught. We saw no sign that she could have done or said anything to him that would trigger such a violent reaction...Pat Dooley, Cleveland

It was pretty appalling. What I distinctly recall is that he was running against the crowd as if to find someone behind him. He looked angry and was zigzagging around the runners. It seemed like this poor woman got in the way and within a second of crashing into her, he just punched her and she went down. He kept running and was tackled within 10 seconds or so. Once the cops arrived and the guy was restrained, he was crying....Martha-Victoria Diaz, South Loop

It was extremely strange...Either the guy lost his mind because of the heat, was off his meds, or was upset about something this woman did and attacked her. Anyone know what happened to this guy?....Ryan McQueeney, LaGrange Park

I'll call him Fuzzy because, well, I don't know his name. Since he's a minor and wasn't charged with a felony, his name has been withheld. Now technically, Fuzzy didn't actually "streak" across the Parkland High School (Pennsylvania) gym [during a basketball game!] because he had a sock on his ... jimmy. You're the school superintendent. What do you do? I would suspend him for a couple days. But nooooooooooooo, not Superintendent Louise Donohue. She booted him, for the rest of the year, to an alternative school (also attended by [former] knife-wielding students) run by a private company. Said Fuzzy of the punishment:

It's just because of the publicity, I think. I'm still sorry for what I did -- I would never do it again -- but that punishment is … out there.

So said Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes of the United States Supreme Court in a case that blew me away when I first encountered it in law school. The case is Buck v. Bell, 274 U.S. 200 (1927). Virginia passed a law allowing the state to forcibly sterilize certain "mental defectives" to promote "the health of the patient and the welfare of society." Shockingly, not all of these folks wanted to be sterilized. Carrie Buck, a resident of the State Colony for Epilectics and Feeble Minded, was one such person. When you read how Justice Holmes sets forth the case, you can probably guess how it came down. (I guess the title of the post offers a small hint too.) Here's what he said:

Carrie Buck is a feeble minded white woman who was committed to the State Colony ... She is the daughter of a feeble minded mother in the same institution, and the mother of an illegitimate feeble minded child.

We have seen more than once that the public welfare may call upon the best citizens for their lives. It would be strange if it could not call upon those who already sap the strength of the State for lesser sacrifices, often not felt to be such by those concerned, in order to prevent our being swamped with incompetence. It is better for all the world, if instead of waiting to execute degenerate offspring for a crime, or to let them starve for their imbecility, society can prevent those who are manifestly unfit from continuing their kind. The principle that sustains compulsory vaccination is broad enough to cover cutting the Fallopian tubes. Jacobson v. Massachusetts, 197 U.S. 11. Three generations of imbeciles are enough. (emphasis added)

I'm not saying Florida Judge Jorge Labarga was wrong. I'm just saying that, if 18-year-old Alexandria Severino believes in a higher being, she should now call him "Labarga." The crimes? Ms. Severino pleaded guilty to 2 counts of trafficking in ecstasy, and one count of trafficking in hydrocodone. The mandatory minimum for each count is 3 years. Guess how much jail time she'll be doing? Squadoosh. Zippy. Nada.

This is one of those times. Remember the New York judge who jailed 46 people because a cell phone went off in his courtroom? (If you don't, click here. It was outrageous.) Guess what happened to him (Niagra Falls City Court Judge Robert M. Restaino)? He's gone! He was removed from the bench by the State Commission on Judicial Conduct, whose decision was upheld by the State Court of Appeals.

Regular readers know the Juice is not a fan of dress codes. Check this out, from Georgia's Thomson-McDuffie Junior High School website:

In order to foster a climate conducive to [blah, blah, blah] ... the following guidelines have been developed with input from councils, faculty, administration, and students.

... sunglasses are not to be worn on campus. ... No grills are to be worn.

Proper and acceptable undergarments must be worn and must not be visible to others. Cleavage must not show.

Shoes or sandals must be worn. ... and athletic sandals are not allowed at school.

Shirts or blouses must have sleeves; shirts and blouses must be tucked in. ... Belt line must be visible at all times. Any shirts or blouses that cannot be tucked in may not be worn.

Shorts/pants must be long enough to touch the top of the kneecap. Shorts/pants must be fitted at the waist and not be baggy or frayed at the bottom.

All students must wear identification badges properly at all times.

Personal grooming should be done at home, not at school.

The principal of the school has a right to prohibit any item of clothing he deems to be inappropriate.

Now that you know the crimes, the times ...

Penalty for failure to comply with dress code: First offense - correction (if possible) or ISS and 3 hours detention. Second offense - correction (if possible) and one (1) day of Saturday School. Third offense - three (3) days ISS and required parent conference. A Fourth offense is considered Defiance and will result in three (3) days suspension minimum.

Up his ass! And other places in the vicinity... Although the Juice does not *** expletives, fox12idaho does. Here's a portion of the transcript of a Boise, Idaho man's arrest:

Officer #3: Do you feel this?

Complainant: Yes, sir.

Officer #3: Do you feel that? That's my -

Complainant: okay

Officer #3: Taser up your a**.

Complainant: Okay

Officer #3: So don't move.

Complainant: I'm trying not to. I can't breathe.

Officer #3: Now do you feel this in your balls?

Complainant: I do, sir. I'm not going to move. I'm not gonna move.

Officer #3: Now I'm gonna tase your balls if you move again.

Officer #3: Okay, I'm gonna take this taser out of your a**hole now. Are you going to fight with me?

Complainant: No, not at all, sir.

Last week an ombudsman reported the police officers did use excessive force. That ruling came about because of that second round of tape we played you in which the officer threatened to taser the man's genitalia, and did taser his buttocks.

Yes, because then he could blackmail them! Fifty-year-old San Antonio, Texas lawyer Ted Roberts coaxed some serious cashish from an accountant, a lawyer, and two executives who had the pleasure of Mary Roberts' company. Old Ted threatened to tell their wives and employers if they didn't pony up.

And pony up they did, to the tune of $155,000. But it was for a good cause, right Ted? The jury found that, after assuring 2 of the men that he would donate the money to a children's charity, Ted instead used it to help pay for a new house and to fund his law practice. The good news for Ted? The jury acquitted him on 2 of the charges because one of the victims said he didn't care where his money went, and the other said he knew it would be used to repay Ted for his start-up costs (paying the private investigator to get the goods). Surely Ted sees the error of his ways? Nope. Said Ted to the Court:

It is incredible to me after I sought protection from the law that ... I face sentencing without having committed a crime.

This is who you have before you ... Somebody who wants sexual secrets and then wants to use them against people to blackmail and extort them.

Just when you thought you'd heard it all - an illegal songbird fighting operation! As reported by Fox61 in Connecticut:

Multiple state law enforcement agencies busted up a bird fighting ring in the town of Shelton Sunday morning. However the birds involved are known more for their voice than violence.

Police confiscated nearly 150 songbirds- canaries and saffron finches- from a home at 176 Ripton Road. Police say the birds were being prepared to fight. The raid was led by Shelton Police with help from the Department of Agriculture and officers from Bridgeport, Ansonia, Fairfield, and State Police departments.

"They have a cage in the middle that's set up like a ring, where the two will go into one cage and fight." said Shelton Police Sergeant Robert Kozlowsky. "It's looking like animal cruelty and illegal gambling. They [officers] have found a large amount of currency also at this scene."

Animal control officers were seen carrying cages upon cages filled with birds from the residence. According to a relative, the homeowner claimed to be collecting the birds to breed and sell. Neighbors who witnessed the raid were surprised at both the multi-agency response and the unorthodox nature of the bird fighting.

"Am I being punk'd?" asked neighbor John Coniglio, referring to a television show famous for playing pranks on celebrities. "I mean, this is crazy. I've never heard of a canary ring. I can't picture little canaries with razor blades taped to their feet or anything."

The raid christened 19 jailbirds along with $8,000 cash.